Untrusting (Troubled)

by A. J. Wells

  The guys tell us how they happen to be on crutches. They were walking down a creek, ankle deep in water when the fire picked up and branches and debris started falling around them. Steve saw a ball of fire falling for Bob and he ran toward Bob, slipping on the wet rocks. Bob in his attempt to dodge the fire ball slipped, fell and hit his leg on a rock in the water and Steve fell on it. Steve sprained his ankle in his fall and it became worse when he had to help Bob, with his broken leg, walk the two miles outta the woods, in the creek. They both have six weeks on crutches.

  Shay has fallen asleep on Bob’s lap, but Bob has yet to let go of him, or Maria. Maria’s sitting with her head on Bob’s shoulder, snuggling into him. Steve hasn’t let go of me, either and I’m just as hard pressed to let go of him. We’re sitting there, Steve one arm around my shoulders and the other hand holding mine, when Mom and Dad come in.

  They were driving by when they saw Steve’s truck parked at the clinic, so they stopped. Mom came over to give both the guys a hug and Dad shook hands with them. They had to tell the story of why they’re on crutches again. Dad offers to drive them home and they accept, but they have to go soon. Dad picks Shay up and he and Mom take him out to Maria’s car so we could have a proper kiss and hug. Steve’s holding me tight against him, but stands looking at my face for a while before he kisses me. He does nothing more because Mom and Dad could come back in anytime.

  Maria says Shay’s waiting and breaks the hug to leave. Bob walks her out and Steve and I follow. Outside, I hear Dad tell the guys about the barbecue tomorrow and he expects them to be there. Dad asks who drove home and Steve admits Pat drove home, neither of them are supposed to drive. He could, but he’s on pain meds. I imagine Miss Lili, Chief and José will be as glad to see them home as we are. I wonder how the guys will take to riding out with Miss Lili tomorrow. I have to chuckle at the thought, even tho’, I’ve never ridden with her.

  Miss Lili is overjoyed at the “boys” being home in time for Sunday dinner. Maria and I tell her to go enjoy they’re company while we finish cooking. Dinner is definitely pleasant. We talk about the construction and the fair. Dad talks about the cattle and the happenings at the ranch. We heard about the fire, the drive and the clinic where the guys got they’re injuries treated.

  We could see the guys were getting tired, so we left after the kitchen was cleaned. Bob and Shay said they would see each other tomorrow, as did the rest of us. Maria gets a sound kiss and Shay gets a kiss on the head. Mom hugs the guys and leaves with Dad. I hug Miss Lili and Bob, and won’t let Steve “walk” me to my truck. He’s tired and I don’t want him to take any chances just to walk me to the truck. He kisses me goodnight on the porch and holds me. “Sher,” he says into my hair then lets me go so I can go home.

  Mom comes over to see me after I get home. She asks how I’m doing now Steve’s home. “I’m better now I know he’s safe.”

  “Is that all?” She’s watching me, as if to see any changes.

  “No. I don’t miss him anymore and I’ve decided to give him a chance.”

  “That’s kinda arrogant, but I understand you can’t determine your feelings yet.”

  “I don’t want to be arrogant. I like him a lot and I want to give us a try.”

  “That’s more like it. I wish ya both the best. I like Steve and I hope ya make the right decision, for ya both. Well, I’ll see ya tomorrow. Goodnight.” Mom goes home after a hug.

  I get in the shower and go to bed. It’ll be a while before Steve’s sharing my bed, but I can wait ‘til he’s healed. I drift off to sleep smiling, happy I’ll be seeing him tomorrow.

  Chapter 9

  I’m at the clinic watching the dogs and looking over the other two buildings when Maria and Shay come out the back door. Shay comes over with Maria to say hello then goes running after the puppies that still need a bath. I swear they think their food bowl is a swimming pool. Maybe that’s the answer to the bathing routine. I need to remember to get together the puppy’s home bags and start leash training. I start tearing up and Maria asks why.

  “All the dogs will be gone. They’ve been a lotta work, but I’ll miss them.”

  “Yeah, me too. They sure kept us busy. What are you gonna do for Halloween? I thought we might hand out candy together, but you won’t have to be in town except for that. What’d ya think?”

  “Is Shay goin’ trick or treatin’?”

  “Yeah, my sister’s takin’ him with her kids. They’ll go from five to eight and trick or treatin’ doesn’t stop ‘til nine. We’ll have a little time to talk. Maybe the guys’ll come over, but Miss Lilil might need some help. Everyone goes to her house, she has great decorations and a scary living room.”

  “Well, we can make plans and the guys can join us early, or later, or not at all. I can’t get between Miss Lili and the guys. I have to leave it up to Steve as to where he is and why he’s there. Miss Lili isn’t as young as she’d like to be. Oh, she’s still spry and I know none of us want it any other way. She’s sassy, opinionated, wants everything her way and can be hard to deal with occasionally, but I like her. And she hasn’t been hard to work with, just a little intrusive sometimes.”

  Maria nods. “She’s a great lady, but occasionally, she gets in the way when she’s trying to help. Shay and Miss Lili are hard and fast friends. We kept her company for a few hours on Saturday and Sunday afternoons while the boys were gone. Shay’s gonna miss that.”

  “Why? You can still see Miss Lili Saturday or Sunday or both. Bob being home may be a bit much for her. The guys did a lot for her, she may still need help. I know she’ll hire it out if she needs it done, but what’s wrong with us helping her out with the guys?”

  “I don’t want it to seem like I’m helping her to be around Bob. Ya know? I don’t plan to hold him to what he said on the phone. I, obviously, like him a lot, but I won’t push myself, or Shay on him. If he stills feels that way then he’ll have to be the one to make the moves. I won’t avoid him, but I won’t be stuck to him like Siamese twins. Ya know what I mean?”

  “Yeah, I feel the same way.” Shay lets out a scream and runs for the clinic. We turn and Steve, Bob and Miss Lili are standing there. We go over to greet them.

  Maria and I get chairs from the waiting room for Steve and Bob to sit in because Shay won’t stop clinging to Bob. We talk about how big the puppies are, the guys are surprised at their growth. Chaucee goes to Steve and sits at his feet. Miss Lili picks her up and puts her in his lap. After a few minutes Shay asks where Chief and José are. Miss Lili tells him they’re in the truck waiting to leave for the barbecue. She takes him out front to see them.

  While they’re gone, Maria and I get the puppies corralled, wash them up some and put them inside. Steve and Bob get up when we come out to get the chairs to take them in so we can get to Mom and Dad’s for the barbecue. In the waiting room I find Bob and Maria in clench that would cause a volcano to erupt. Steve, behind me, turns me, “Don’t you think it’s time for a proper welcome home kiss?” He clutches me to him, wrapping his arms around me and kissing me. It takes a while to get through the kiss. It’s gentle and explosive, but we manage to remain earth bound, this time. The lightening storm’s covering me. Steve groans in my ear, “Sher. “ He kisses me on the neck and says, “I’ve missed you too much.”

  Maybe I’m greedy but I say, “I don’t believe there’s such a thing as, “missing someone too much.”

  He pulls back and looks at me sternly, “Don’t ya believe I missed ya a lot?”

  “That’s not what I meant. I meant I don’t believe a person can miss someone ‘too much’.”

  “Maybe I should ask if you missed me,” Steve’s leaning further away, about to break the hold he has on me.

  “Yes, I missed you. Why would you ask?” Now I’m starting to get a bit miffed.

  “You don’t seem to put much faith in people missing others when they’re not together. And ya didn’t say you’d missed me.” He’s drops his hands to his side to his crutche
s.

  Maria turns, “She missed ya more than she’d admit to me, or herself. It showed in more ways than she knows. I think what she meant was, she believes people miss each other a lot and it can never be ‘too much’ only as much as they can and she did whether she admits it or not.” Maria smiles at me and I make a face at her that says “tattle tail.” She and Bob laugh at me.

  Steve turns me toward him, “Is that true? You wouldn’t admit to anyone you missed me?”

  I lower my head and nod. “Why not?” he asks. I shrug, I don’t know if I have an answer he’ll understand. “Did you miss me, Sher?” He asks again firmly. I nod, with my head down, slightly embarrassed. “I guess we’ll have to talk about this again, later.” He puts me back into a hug but not as tightly as before.

  We join Miss Lili and Shay at the truck, decide who’s riding with whom and we leave for the barbecue. Steve’s riding with me and he won’t let the conversation die. I finally have to tell him I’m not able to voice my feelings very well. I did once and it got me engaged to a gay man and hurt, so I guess I have trouble telling what I feel to anyone. When we get home, Steve reaches over and turns me toward him. “Tell me Sher, do you like me as more than a friend?” I nod. “No Sher, tell me. I want to hear it and I want ya to look at me when ya say it.” He puts his hand on my jaw and lifts my head up and waits.

  “Yes.” But he doesn’t let me go.

  “Yes, what, Sher?” He wants me to say it all and look at him when I do. I don’t know if I can, but I think I’d better.

  “Yes, Steve, I like more you than a friend.” He hugs me and I add, “much more and I missed ya so much,” into his shoulder. He hugs me tighter and kisses me like he used to. The banging on the back of the truck breaks us up. Bob’s warning that they’re coming to get us moving. Steve says “later” into my hair and we turn, open our doors and get out.

  Mom’s in the kitchen so we three ladies go in to see if she can use some help. She needs the potato salad mixed, the guacamole put together and the rolls taken out to the table. Dad has handed the grill off to Steve whose standing balanced on one crutch with the tongs on the grill shelf and a beer in the other hand. Bob’s sitting with Shay on his lap and a beer in his hand. Thank goodness for all the old trees in the yard shading the whole area.

  I take the rolls out and offer to take over for Steve so he can sit, but he gives me a hug and says he’s fine. He’s just relieving Dad for a while. I check the table and all the dishes and silverware are there. We’re using paper plates, but the silverware is the real thing. I’m glad Mom has a dishwasher. I go back in the kitchen with the ladies and ask Mom how many are coming. She says the game night crowd is coming. Now I understand the stack of dishes and the big bowls of food.

  Mom says the gang wants to play charades after we eat. Miss Lili is ready to start the game now. Mom bends over to check the oven and Miss Lili comments on the delicious smell of the pies. Mom takes out a pecan pie and a deep dish apple pie and slides in a peach pie and a berry cobbler, she’d taken from the refrigerator. Miss Lili is praising Mom for her skill and organization of the barbecue.

  Mom asks her about her Halloween house and Miss Lili says she wouldn’t miss handing out treats on Halloween. They talk for while when I hear Miss Lili say, “I have to go to Sam’s Club to shop for the food baskets. I’ve been so busy with everything, I’m running behind with Halloween.”

  “Miss Lili, you give out food baskets at Halloween?” I’d bumped Maria to get her attention. Miss Lili nods her head and adds “to those who need them.” “When are you planning to go shopping for those?” She’d hoped she could go tomorrow, but “the boys” aren’t able to drive her and help her unload when she gets back. “Oh.” I go outside and talk to Steve and Bob about the shopping trip. If Steve and Bob can hang out at the clinic tomorrow afternoon and we can borrow Bob’s truck, Maria and I will take Miss Lili shopping. They agree and they agree to keep Shay ‘til we get back. I go back in to talk to Maria. She agrees to the trip and Mom overhears us and wants to go along. We tell Miss Lili and she’s happy as a “lark.”

  She’ll have a few people help her get the “baskets” tomorrow morning from the hardware store before we leave right after lunch. People start arriving and the next thing we know the ladies of game night will meet us at Miss Lili’s Wednesday evening to help get the “baskets” together. We’re all set, what with the usual volunteers Miss Lili has and these three ladies and us. Since Miss Lili is behind in setting up the baskets the more help she gets the better, since Halloween is a week from Friday.

  We, ladies, go out to join the guys. The potatoes and steaks are ready so Dad puts on a hamburger for Shay. Shay has had his ride on Izzie thanks to Dad and Bob. The guys are sitting or standing around talking with a beer in their hands waiting for the “dinner bell,” which is “rung,” or signaled, as soon as the women are all present and accounted for and the meat comes off the grill.

  Shay picks this time to have to go to the bathroom. Bob takes him to the bathroom in my house. Now, all present and accounted for, we sit down to eat. Miss Lili insists Shay sit between her and Maria for supper. Shay has a tortilla with his guacamole and hamburger. Maria makes sure Shay eats some corn on the cob, too. I can’t believe the amount of food that’s eaten this afternoon. Steve and Bob aren’t bad a putting away a plate full of everything, either. Maria and I watch them eat twice what we do, then we tell them about dessert. They say they’ll have to wait about an hour then they’ll take one of each. Miss Lili eats well, too, and is anxious for dessert, as well.

  We clean up the dishes and put the food away. Mom brings out a blanket for a pallet should Shay fall asleep. We set up for charades and choose teams. Chief and José keep Shay occupied for a while then we see the three of them asleep on the blanket. We play ‘til seven when Mom brings out the dessert, with ice cream. It’s hard to decide what to eat so each of us take a small helping of each, ala mode. Even the pecan pie gets ice cream. Mom out did herself with dessert, the sweetest things are the pecan pie and ice cream. The fruit pies were very good, but hardly sweetened at all.

  We sit around talking for a while then I go to the barn to see Izzie and Steve follows me. “It’s getting dark. I guess we’ll be leavin’ soon.” He puts his arm around me and snuggles me into his side. “I’ve enjoyed myself and I think Grams has had fun, too. Sher, when are we gonna get things figured out?”

  I turn toward him, “I thought you had things figured out and I was the one draggin’ my feet.”

  “I’m draggin’ my feet a bit, too. I recognize some things, but I’m still confused and reluctant about other things…and a little scared. But if I’m ahead of you then I’ll wait for ya to catch up. Right now, I want to kiss ya.” He turns me into him, between his crutches, and kisses me.

  My stomach has the lightening storm I expect when he kisses me, but my heart and stomach flip, too. He’s pulling me closer and deeper into the kiss when we hear, “Back off boy, you’re in no shape to take it any further. Bob and Maria need to get Shay home and Miss Lili is ready to go.” Dad had come looking for us when Bob started looking for Steve.

  We break apart and Dad’s standing there smiling when we turn toward him. “Don’t worry, I’m not mad. I was young and in love once. Now I’m old and in love and still do those things. But your family is wantin’ to leave. So kiss her goodnight and come on.” He smiles, turns and walks out.

  We kiss again and turn to follow Dad. As Steve’s getting in the truck, he kisses me again. Maria’s picking up her car and going home. She’ll call me when she gets there. I rejoin the party that’s breaking up to see the others off. Then I hug Mom and thank her for the great supper and hug Dad and thank him, too. I hear Mom ask Dad what I was thanking him for as I walk away.

  I get my shower before Maria calls. We talk about the trip tomorrow with Miss Lili, then the barbecue and finally the guys. Maria says the guys are off duty for two weeks then they have to split up for light duty. There has to be one fire
man there that can drive the fire truck if there’s an alarm. Then we get to what’s really on our minds, what’s happening between us and the guys.

  Maria says Bob told her again tonight he loves her when he kissed her goodnight. She says again she’s falling for him and she starts to list everything she likes about him. But she’s still reluctant and not because of Bob. She doesn’t know why she can’t lighten up and just go with the flow and let her feelings guide her. She trusts Bob, but she doesn’t trust what she’s feeling. It led her down the wrong road before and it almost killed Shay. So she’s not trusting herself.

  I tell her she’s got to trust herself and her feelings and if she can’t do that she can trust me to not let her make a wrong choice this time. I suggest she get to know Bob’s family and talk to them to get a better idea of what Bob’s like. Don’t question them just talk about his childhood and things like that. The better she gets to know them, the more relaxed they’ll become and the more they’ll say. It’ll help her make the right decision when and if the time comes.

  “What about you and Steve? I can see you holdin’ back when it’s obvious you’re falling for him. What’s holding ya back? Ya know he’s not gay, so that’s not the reason.” Maria’s right, what is hold me back?

  “I don’t know. When we kiss I become so involved, it’s like I’m desperate for him and leading myself into a “wanna be” situation. It scares me that I may be convincing myself of something I want, not something I can’t live without. I’m crazy about him, but I’m afraid to show it because I’m not sure if it’s my heart or my loneliness. Do you understand what I’m trying to say?”

  “Yeah. So you’re holding back when ya could be having fun and trying to find out how ya feel because ya don’t trust your reasons for your interest in him. Let me ask ya what ya like about Steve.”