Untrusting (Troubled)

by A. J. Wells

  He puts his arm around me and pulls me to him. “Sher, are we ever going to come to terms with what’s going on between us?”

  I put my head on his should, “I hope so. It would be easier if I knew what it is.”

  “I know. Overwhelming is how it feels to me, but I’ve never felt this before.”

  “Yeah, I know what ya mean, but I’m at a loss as to what it is.”

  “Well, if we can’t put a name to it then I guess we’ll just have to wait ‘til we can.” We get up and I put my laundry away. Mom and Dad come over with a suitcase for me to use on my trip and stay to talk for a while.

  Steve tells me to pack a couple of cocktail dresses with my jeans, tank tops, blouses, sneakers and socks, and sandals when I pack this next week. I look at him like he’s crazy, “I don’t have any cocktail dresses, never had a use for them. Why would I need one now?” Miss Lili has a couple of dressy parties when she’s there. “Maybe, we won’t have to go. I hate those kinda things and I know Maria can’t dress like that either. Maybe this trip is a mistake for me and Maria.”

  “No, it’s not. Grams has some charity and political things she does while she’s there. You’ll meet a lotta people and have fun. She won’t be able to go if you girls don’t and she does like to do these things. She says it helps Granite Bluff. I don’t know how, but she’s managed to get help for the town making this trip every year. It’s important to her, so help her out will ya?”

  “The times Bob and I went with her, we didn’t have to do much, just the couple ‘a parties I mentioned and listen to her talk about who she’d talked to and saw in her meetings. We swam most of the day and laid around when we weren’t swimming. Maybe you can get some real rest while you’re gone. I hope so because you look worn out.”

  “What a nice thing to say,” I say snidely.

  “I just meant ya need some rest. Will ya go to supper with Bob, Maria and me?”

  “Yeah, but what about Miss Lili?”

  “Miss Lili will be babysitting Shay, if she has her way.” Steve puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me into a kiss. It isn’t as light as he’d meant it to be. “Sher, I can wait, but I hope it isn’t much longer.”

  “Your ankle needs to heal. Then you’ll have to be careful not to reinjure it for a few weeks after that.”

  “My ankle can be worked around in a few weeks. I just can’t put any weight on it. Are ya saying my ankle is the only hold up?”

  “Not necessarily, but it’s certainly a factor.” The last few comments have my head lowering somewhat.

  “Are you scared, or nervous about our being together? There’s no reason to be, because it’ll happen only when both of us are ready and when that happens, we won’t know what hit us. So relax, I’m not gonna rush ya.”

  “Thanks, now ya need to move your truck so I can get mine out, if we’re having dinner in town.”

  “Nope. You’ll need to drive back to town” he ducks his head, “and maybe in town and back out here, but you’re going with me this time. Can I use your phone to call Maria’s to see if they’re going out or not?” I hand him the phone and dial the number, since he doesn’t know Maria’s number.

  “Everything’s okay on their end. Ya ready to go?”

  “I gotta change into jeans. I’ll only be a minute.”

  “Too bad, I like your legs.” Steve sits down and props his leg up on the couch while I change in the bathroom.

  Steve props his knee on the seat while we drive in. “Is your ankle hurtin’?”

  “A bit. I bumped it getting in the truck when we left Grams, but it’ll be okay.”

  “Steve, we don’t have to do this tonight if you’re hurting.”

  “Yes we do. Bob and I want to see our girls tonight.”

  “Do you and Bob usually help decorate the house for Halloween? And when does Miss Lili decorate? Isn’t that really why ya wanted outta the house?”

  “It takes her a week to get all decorated and she started tonight. We did need to get outta her way, but we wanted to spend time with our girls, honest.”

  I laugh, “Okay, I almost believe that.”

  Steve chuckles, “Honest injin.” And he holds up his right hand.

  We stop at Maria’s and we girls start in on the guys about how they were in the way at Miss Lili’s and she shooed them off and the only place they could go was to see us. The guys finally give in and agree that was what had happened, if we want to believe it happened that way. It was really all circumstantial. They were getting ready to come see us and they were in the way of the first stages of the decorating crew. Okay, since they put their leaving first, we’ll accept their reasoning.

  We go to dinner and out to Wylie’s where Maria and I line dance for a while then we want to go home. I drop Maria and Bob off then drive to my place. Steve comes in for a while and we talk about Halloween at Miss Lili’s and have coffee. The night’s cool so we go outside to sit on the porch. It’s getting late and still we sit, the conversation drifting away to quiet. Steve puts his arm around me, pulling me into a kiss.

  He’s not kidding with this kiss and I can’t help myself, I’m shaking like I’m in Alaska, mid winter, with no coat. He pulls away, “Sher, what’s wrong? Does this scare ya?”

  “A little, but I’m not sure that’s why I’m shaking. I don’t know what’s going on.” He pulls away and stands up fumbling in his pocket for something.

  “I guess I’d better go. Have you still got my keys?” I tell him their on the end table and I’ll get them for him. He stands looking out toward the barn while I get them. The moonlight’s bright and I can see the look on his face when I hand him the keys. He’s upset, or angry with me.

  “Steve, I really don’t know what happened. Please don’t be angry.”

  “I’m not, but I have to go. Will ya call Bob to tell him I’m on my way?” I nod and he gets in his truck and leaves without another word or a kiss.

  I go in and call Maria’s, after I tell her Steve’s on his way, I ask her to call me after Bob leaves.

  When she calls back I tell what had happened and all she can come up with is that I’m not ready to commit enough to be okay alone with Steve when there are possibilities of things going further than I feel comfortable with. I don’t know, because I was fine ‘til he kissed me seriously. It wasn’t the same kind of kiss, it was different. But I wasn’t scared by it. I don’t know what caused the shaking. We can’t figure it out and its past midnight so we hang up so we can get some sleep.

  Bob and Miss Lili come over all week for lunch but I don’t see Steve ‘til Thursday morning. He and Bob are here to get to know the office and how it works. Steve and I are distant all morning. Miss Lili comes in with lunch and notices Bob and Maria are talking and teasing each other while Steve and I aren’t speaking. She decides we need to eat outside in the sunshine. Maria and I take the chairs from the waiting room out onto the small concrete slab and Miss Lili goes to get a folding table. We eat when she returns and there’s conversation while we eat, but Steve and I don’t speak to each other directly.

  After we eat, Miss Lili politely tells us to stay outside ‘til we work out our problem. Steve tells her, “I don’t know that we can. I scared her the other night and I don’t want to do it again.”

  “I wasn’t afraid of you. I don’t know what that was and I told ya so then.” I say it sternly. “But if ya don’t think we can work it out then I guess we can’t.” I walk away toward the boarding kennel, stopping to look at the cats’outside areas. I hear Steve following me and I step inside the building. He comes in after me.

  “Is this the way ya plan to work it out, by walking away?” He’s just a stern as I was.

  I soften my voice, “I told ya then I didn’t know what happened. I still don’t, but I don’t want to fight about it. You’re the one that made up your mind about why I reacted the way I did. I’m tellin’ you, I’m not afraid of you or what happens when you kiss me. I may be nervous about what it could lead to, but I�
��m not afraid of that either. I know I’ve missed you the last few days. I thought I’d lost ya and that scared me.” I turn away from him.

  He stands there a minute then comes to stand behind me. “Did you think I was mad at ya?” I nod. “I wasn’t. I’m not. I just don’t want to rush ya, or scare ya, so I backed off. Today, I didn’t know what to do. Bob made me come. We almost got into an argument before I’d come. Sher, look at me.” I turn, but can’t look up at him. He puts his hand under my chin and tilts my head up. “Why are ya crying?”

  I lift my hand to my face to find it wet. I start to speak, but find I can’t and shrug instead. He pulls me to him, the side of my face against his chest, and holds me. I put my arms around him to hold him and find myself sobbing and holding him tightly. We don’t speak we just stand there ‘til he kisses the top of my head. I look up and he has tears in his eyes, too. I tiptoe to kiss him and his eyes turn dark and bedroom hot. I kiss him on the cheek, knowing we’d never come out of the stratosphere before it was too late if I kissed him proper. He’s still on crutches and I don’t want to injure his ankle again. And here and now isn’t the time or place for what could happen between us, either. He pulls me closer, saying my name into my hair. “Are we okay again?” I ask.

  “Better than okay, now. Sher….” But he doesn’t finish. “We’d better go in.” He lets me go and we walk back to the clinic.

  “You two get things worked out?” Bob asks as we come in. Steve says “Yeah.” “Aunt Lili said you weren’t to come in ‘til ya did. She had to leave to get the basket brigade lined up for tomorrow. Maria says you two are going to stay at her place to hand out candy tomorrow. Maybe we can get out of helping Aunt Lili and join y’all or y’all can join us.”

  “They have a better chance of gettin’ loose than we do. Grams hands out the baskets and we hand out the candy, except for our favorites, of course.” Steve and Bob are laughing.

  “Aunt Lili sure did read us the riot act when she found the candy wrappers last year, didn’t she?”

  “For a minute or two I thought she was gonna get a switch to us.” Steve’s laughing so hard he can hardly get the words out.

  “The sad part is we would’a let her switch us if she had’a gotten a switch. She’s isn’t young enough to chase us around like she use to when we were kids.” They’re laughing so hard they have to sit down.

  “I’ve often wondered if she would’ve used it on us if she’d ever caught us. I don’t think she wanted to do anything but scare us.” They sober and get a fond look on their faces. It shows how much they love her and from the story, she, obviously, loves them just as much.

  “Strange, she never told our parents about our misdeeds with her.” The guys smile and shrug.

  It’s time to lock up and go home. We say ‘bye to the guys, but they want us to come over to Miss Lili’s for supper, so we can see the haunted house she’s put together this year. So we agree and take on the usual drill. Steve and I go get pizza for all of us and Bob and Maria go get Shay.

  We tour the living room which is the epitome of an abandoned haunted house. Spider webs, thick dust, rattling chains, ghosts and spirit sounds are all through the living room. Then we eat and Maria and I prepare to go home. Steve kisses me goodnight gently and holds me for a few minutes then lets me leave. I don’t want to, but I know I can’t stay with him yet.

  Today’s as slow as yesterday, but the guys come in to help do nothing, they think. Maria and I leave them to answer the phone while we give the clinic a good cleaning. We know it’ll need it again when we get back, but we’re leaving it clean. I let Maria leave early so she can get Shay fed and ready to go trick or treatin’ early. Bob goes with her. I’m busy finishing things and straightening the office, feeling awkward alone with Steve. He comes up beside me but I keep working, so he goes out to the waiting room and sits down. Steve and I leave for Maria’s an hour later.

  Bob’s helping Shay get into his costume. It’s a fireman’s costume, wonder where he got that idea. Maria wanted him to be an astronaut, but Shay wanted to be a fireman and it almost came to a scene in the store, before she gave in. “I want to be like Bob and Steve,” Shay tells us.

  “We’ll have to bandage your leg if you’re going to be like us and a pair of crutches in your size would be impossible to find.” Bob’s teasing Shay. Shay hugs Bob and laughs at him.

  Maria’s sister comes in and the guys are introduced. “So this is the infamous fireman duo Shay can’t stop talking about. I hope you two can live up to his stories. Short of putting out a fire the size of the world, single handed, I think you’ll fall a little short. He certainly looks up to you two. Bob, ya break my nephew’s heart, and I’ll have to set fire to your boots. Now, Chief Shay, if you’ll get your treat bag we’ll be off to relieve the neighbors of their candy.” The guys chuckle, but Shay hugs them before he leaves. He’s a chief fireman now so he can’t hug his Mommy or his “aunt,” he’s too big for that. He turns and marches out the door with his head up and his helmet bobbing because it’s too big.

  After he’s gone, we laugh at his antics. “He’s too cute, but a good boy,” Bob says putting his arm around Maria’s shoulders. “I’d like to have a couple more just like him. You want more kids don’t cha?” Bob says to Maria.

  “I’d like to be married before I have more kids, but one or two more would be nice.”

  “Oh, that reminds me,” Bob reaches into his pocket and turns Maria toward him, “Maria Gomez, will you be my Mrs. Stuben?” Maria’s shocked and surprised. “I love you and Shay too much not to ask you to be my wife. Will ya?”

  Maria’s crying, but shakes her head yes. Bob kisses her and puts the ring on her finger. Maria kisses him and they don’t come up for a while. She’s laughing when they break the kiss. “Bob there’s one thing I have to say, I don’t want a ‘for now’ marriage. Shay could be hurt very badly if anything happened and you left. I have to know it’ll be forever, so can we have a long engagement?”

  “How long?”

  “’Til I can rely on this being forever. I don’t know how long.”

  “Will ya mind if I nag ya for a wedding date from time to time? I’m anxious to make you my wife, Shay my son and start our baby.” He hasn’t let her go yet.

  “Will six months to a year be too long?”

  “Yes. But I’ll wait if ya need that much time.” She smiles at him and kisses him. “I hope you won’t mind my telling ya how much I love ya in the mean time.” She shakes her head and he kisses her again.

  Steve steps over to congratulate them and drags me with him. I hug them both, but I’m not sure Maria didn’t feel pressured into accepting. I decide to talk to her when we’re alone in Corpus.

  The kids start arriving and Maria and I hand out candy ‘til seven when the younger kids stop coming. When the junior high kids started showing up we closed up shop, opting for going to supper then to Miss Lili’s to meet up with Shay.

  We decide where we’re going to eat and leave to have a nice supper. While we’re waiting to be served I look at Maria’s engagement ring. It’s pretty big for a fireman’s pay and it looks older. “Where did you get such a nice ring, Bob?” I ask.

  “It was my grandmother’s. Only she and Maria have worn it. I didn’t give it to my first wife. She wouldn’t have appreciated it, but I thought Maria would.” He took her hand and kissed it and the ring, as if to seal it in place.

  I believe he means what he says about loving Maria and Shay and wanting kids with her. I think this could last, if he doesn’t touch her in anger. If he does, I, personally, will skin him alive.

  Supper was good, but then Bob suggested the best place in town, a celebration, and paid for the entire meal. After supper, we go to Miss Lili’s to pick up Shay and find them asleep on the couch. When we leave Miss Lili’s, we drop the three of them off then I have to get home. Bob hollers at Steve to be sure to stop by to get him on his way home.

  On the drive to my office Steve and I talk about the enga
gement. Steve’s sure Bob’s ready to settle down and he loves Maria and Shay. Steve says he can’t talk about anything else. I know what will happen if I ask Steve what I want to know. He’ll be mad, but I can’t help trying to protect my friend.

  “Steve, Bob is in love with Maria and loves Shay, that’s pretty plain. But has he, maybe, built this up into more than it is? Is it more an internal clock thing than love?”

  Steve’s pissed. “You don’t believe in love, do ya? Are you capable of love? I understand you wanting to save Maria and Shay from harm, but Bob won’t hurt them intentionally. Bob’s ‘internal clock’ alarm didn’t go off ‘til he met Maria. Did he want to love someone? Doesn’t everyone? Don’t you? Or do you?”

  I wasn’t prepared for such a personal attack. I stop in front of my office and turn to look at him. “Just because I’m careful doesn’t mean I don’t want to love some one or be loved. It means I want to be as sure as I can be that it is love. Like Maria, I want a forever kinda love. I know ya have to kiss a-lotta-frogs to get a prince…or princess, in your case, but how do ya know a royal frog from the other frogs?”

  “In case ya haven’t noticed we’re all frogs. But there’s only one frog that makes ya feel ya want to be with them the rest of your life. It’s so strong, it hurts whether you’re with them or not. Ya can’t be close enough and yet ya can’t get too close for fear of smothering it. And ya think it’s so special that ya don’t deserve it, but ya can’t stop wantin’ it, touchin’ it and tryin’ to make it yours.”

  “That intense?”

  “It’s intense and yet gentle, but it’s always there.”

  “So you’ve been in love, real love. Was it bad when she ran off with the band?”

  “I wasn’t talking about my feelings for her.”

  “Must’ve been something. I haven’t felt that way for any man I thought I was in love with.”