Rickles' Book

by Don Rickles

  Then, an hour later, after the broadcast, he’s a different guy. We go to a deli where he says, “Should I have the corned beef lean or the pastrami thin without the cole slaw?” The man has a nervous breakdown over what to order.

  “If you can decide what to ask the President of the United States,” I say, “why can’t you decide between pumpernickel and rye?”

  “Maybe I’m better off with a scooped-out bagel and no butter,” says Larry. “And maybe a little cottage cheese. That can’t hurt me, can it, Don?”

  “Larry, stop planning on living forever. Everyone’s going to end up in a big talk show in the sky. But in the meantime, while you’re here, what about my book?”

  Pop-Pop holds court with grandsons, Harrison and Ethan.

  Barbara and Don Go Riding Off into the Sunset

  Beautiful life.

  Beautiful wife.

  Beautiful children, Mindy and Larry.

  Beautiful grandchildren, Ethan and Harrison, and son-in-law, Ed.

  Beautiful career.

  What more can a man ask for?

  My Barbara just gave me a beautiful party for my eightieth birthday. Steve and Eydie showed up to sing us “More,” the same song they sang at our wedding party back at the Elegante in Brooklyn. Jack Carter got up and said, “Old age is rough. I thought I’d be living on a golf course, but instead I’m living at Walgreens.”

  Old age does have its challenges. But I feel great. And fortunately I’m out there working clubs and casinos all over the country. And fortunately audiences are still laughing.

  The lady I love.

  Thank you, God.

  And thank you, Barbara, for being by my side and loving me all these years.

  It’s Sunday afternoon.

  “Barbara,” I say, “let’s take a ride to the beach.”

  “Good idea, sweetheart,” she says.

  We get in the car. I’m behind the wheel.

  “Isn’t it great, Barb,” I say. “Forty-one years together and here we are riding into a magnificent sunset.”

  “Watch where you’re going, Don.”

  “I’m watching.”

  “You missed that stop sign.”

  “I stopped at the stop sign.”

  “You didn’t stop, you rolled past it.”

  “I stopped.”

  “You’re in the wrong lane to make a left turn, Don.”

  “Barb, don’t yell at me. I hear you.”

  “Well, you’re not listening.”

  “Please, I am listening. I’m getting in the left lane.”

  “There’s a car in the left lane,” she says. “And you’re about to hit it.”

  “Barbara, I’m not going to hit it. I see it,” I say.

  “What are you talking about? You’re not wearing your glasses.”

  For the next twenty minutes, it’s a war of words. But when we reach the beach, get out of the car and watch the sky melt into the ocean, the world is right.

  Dad celebrates with his family, Barbara, Larry and Mindy.

  We look into each other’s eyes, and my Barbara says, “You did drive in the wrong lane.”

  Still, the birds are chirping.

  Seagulls are dive-bombing into the waves.

  And with all that’s going on, I look to the sky and say, “Thanks, Boss, for the wonderful life.”

  About the Authors

  DON RICKLES is one of America’s comic legends. Over the past fifty years, he has appeared in major motion pictures and television shows of virtually every genre. He continues to perform in nightclubs and casinos throughout the country. Rickles lives in Los Angeles.

  DAVID RITZ has collaborated with Ray Charles, Aretha Franklin, B.B. King, Marvin Gaye and Bon Jovi, among others, on their autobiographies. His novels include Blue Note Under a Green Felt Hat; his lyrics include “Sexual Healing.” Ritz lives in Los Angeles.