Deciding to text her friends, she rolled over to reach for her cell phone and turn it on. Sunlight dappled the walls as a soft, warm breeze blew in from the window. Soon she’d need the air-conditioning, would no longer be able to keep the window open.
But a waiting text from Nick made her stomach flip. It’s 3 a.m. I rolled over & the bed is empty. Why’d you leave? Not happy here. Please call me when you see this.
She sighed deeply and decided to take a shower before responding. But as she got out of her bed and stretched, the buzzer from the lobby went off. Her whole body tightened. She wasn’t expecting anyone . . . so she knew who it had to be.
She padded out to the living room. Gretchen wasn’t home, so she clicked the intercom. “Who’s there?”
“It’s me.” Nick’s voice sounded tight. “Can I come up, please?”
She pressed the button to let him through and ran to the bathroom to quickly brush her teeth. Her reflection in the mirror made her wince. She wrangled her messy hair into a ponytail just as he knocked on the door. She looked down at the thin lavender camisole and matching sleep shorts she’d worn to bed. Clearly, she wasn’t ready for company, but she opened the door to Nick standing there, tension radiating off him. He wore a white T-shirt, navy athletic shorts, and a stormy look on his face.
“I thought you can’t drive,” she said. “What are you doing here?”
“I took an Uber,” he said tersely. “The better question is, what are you doing here, instead of being in my room? Without anything but a good-bye note on your pillow?”
She’d put off having this talk as long as she could. Apparently, it was going to happen now. Steeling herself, she moved aside and said, “Come in.”
She’d barely closed and locked the door when he said, “Why’d you leave?”
She turned to him with a sigh. “I needed to.”
“Why? Last night was . . . different. It felt like . . .” His voice softened as he stared down at her. “It was beautiful, Amanda. We were beautiful together. It was more than just sex, and you know it.”
Realizing he’d felt it too made her insides start to shake.
He looked at her, imploring, earnest. “I’ve never felt that completely connected, body and soul, to anyone in my whole life. I fell asleep at peace in a way I never have before. Because of you.” His dark eyes flashed. “And when I woke up, you were gone.”
Her heart started pounding in heavier thumps. He’d felt what she’d felt. She hadn’t imagined it or built it up out of silly romantic wishing. Maybe—
“Isn’t it bad enough I have to leave in a few days?” he asked. “Why are you cutting our limited time together even shorter?” He stopped and scrubbed his hands over his face. “I don’t mean to sound pissy, but I’m tired. I didn’t sleep well after I saw you were gone. I laid there with my brain going, trying to figure out why you left.”
She swallowed what she’d been about to say. He was leaving. To draw this out now would be even more painful. It had to end. Why not now? End it clean, let him go, cry in private.
“I’ll tell you something else I thought about, lying there in the dark and thinking about you. Before the surgery, that night we argued, you implied that anything I feel for you isn’t real. That because everything’s kind of crazy right now—finding out I’m a Harrison, getting to know Myles, the surgery—that I’m just all swept up in emotion.”
“Aren’t you?” she said. It came out harsher than she’d intended.
“Hell no!” he snapped. “I know what I feel is real. Don’t tell me how I feel, goddamn it—you’re not in my head. Christ, that pissed me off then, and it does now too.”
Her stomach roiled as she stood there, trying to stay strong under his withering, tangible frustration. You’re leaving, she chanted to herself. You’re leaving. This is hopeless.
“Last night . . .” He stared at her balefully. “That was real, Amanda. As real as it gets. Real and intense and fucking beautiful.” His eyes pinned hers, and she felt caught. “Tell me you didn’t feel it too and I’ll leave right now, and it’ll be over. Because if you tell me that, you’re a goddamn liar.”
She drew a shaky breath and stared back, unable to think of a clever response.
“You can’t, can you?” he murmured. His dark, heated gaze seared through her. “Because you felt it too. And it scares the hell out of you. That’s why you left last night.”
“You’re leaving in a few days,” she whispered hotly.
“Yeah, and it sucks, but—”
“But nothing! It doesn’t matter what we felt last night, what we feel now.” Panic rose up in her throat. “This wasn’t supposed to—we weren’t supposed to—” Her hands fluttered at her chest, rubbing to ease the sudden tightness there. “I can’t do this.”
“You can’t do what?”
“Have feelings for you. Want this. Any of it.”
He moved closer, watching her, his voice low. “Why not?”
“You’re leaving,” she ground out. “You live in Florida. I live in New York. End of story. Game over.”
“It doesn’t have to be the end of the story.”
She stilled, confused, blinking at him.
“Come with me,” he said. “Move to Miami and be with me.”
Chapter Twenty-Three
“You can’t be serious,” Amanda sputtered.
“I’m dead serious,” Nick said, staring back at her, realizing with a jolt he absolutely meant it. “I don’t want this to end. We’re great together. Long-distance relationships suck. Move to Miami, sweetheart.”
“Just like that.” Her voice was strangely calm, a contrast to the growing excitement he felt.
“Yeah! I just got promoted. I can’t leave now. You’re a per diem nurse. You can find work anywhere.” The more he thought about it, the more sense it made. They could do this—they could make it work.
“Never mind the fact that I already have a job here I’m not done with,” she said. “Or the fact that the patient in question means a lot to me, and has become attached to me as well, and he’s going to need my services again very soon. And when he does, I’ll be working with him for months. Or the fact that I have a good standing relationship with a great hospital, should I need to go back to regular shift work in the future.”
“Those are all valid points.” He paused, mind scrambling. A moment ago, he’d felt like he was getting through to her, but now . . . she just looked pissed off. “Okay, so don’t move to Miami next week. But maybe in a few months, when Myles is better—”
“I have friends and family here, Nick,” she said. Color bloomed on her cheeks, the spots of pink another warning. “I have a life.”
“You’re the one always saying you don’t have a life,” he reminded her. “So would it be that hard to consider moving, starting over somewhere new? With a guy who’s in love with you? I am, Amanda. I’m so in love with you I can’t think straight.”
Her eyes widened and her lips parted. He’d shocked her with that last part. He’d shocked himself too. He hadn’t meant to tell her like that, just blurt it out that way. But desperate times called for desperate measures, and maybe now she’d see how serious he was about this.
She gaped at him for a long moment, then said quietly, “You need to leave.”
Now it was his turn to be shocked. “Excuse me?”
“Go. Just go.” She turned away and went to the door, opening it for him.
His gut started churning, nerves on red alert. “Did you hear what I said?”
“Every word. Every manipulative, thoughtless, selfish word.” Her face flushed, hot pink flooding her pale skin as her eyes narrowed on him.
He blinked, stunned speechless for a long moment. Then he said, “Telling you I love you is manipulative, thoughtless, and selfish?”
“When you do it as a means to an end? Absolutely.”
“Are you serious?”
“As a heart attack.” Her hand went to her cocked hip. “How convenient th
at you tell me you love me for the first time as you’re trying to convince me to do something you want. Something as big as walking away from my whole life here.”
“Let me get this straight,” he said, feeling his heart rate rise. “I tell you I love you and you think I’m trying to manipulate you?”
“You are!” she cried, hurling the words at him. “And either you meant to, which is despicable, or you didn’t mean to, which is troubling at best, but still fucked up. Either way, you need to get out of my sight right now.”
This was going to hell fast. His stomach twisted harder as he saw the steel in her eyes. “No! No, we need to talk about this.”
“Why should I? According to you, I have no life,” she spat. “Nothing worth staying here for. I should be thankful that a big, gorgeous guy like you wants to save me from my nonexistent, boring world. I should just throw everything to the wind and move a thousand miles away, where I know no one and have nothing in place, just so you can keep getting laid. Because you love me. You love me so much you don’t give a shit about me or anything in my life, only what I can do for you.”
He swore under his breath. Christ, had he messed this up. He’d never seen her so angry, and he’d seen her pretty mad. How could he fix this, make her see? “None of that is true. I want you to move a thousand miles away,” he said, “because I’m in love with you and the thought of not being with you has me tied up in knots. You can find work—I know you can. I know we could be happy.”
She just kept glaring at him.
“By the way, I can get laid any time, by anyone. But I—”
“Congratulations.”
“Goddamn it, you didn’t let me finish. That’s not what I want. I want only you. I want us, together.”
“Then you move here,” she countered.
“I can’t,” he said. “I just started my new job a few weeks ago. If I put in for a transfer now, I don’t know that I’d be the same rank. I don’t—”
“But you have family here,” she pointed out. “You already know people here. I don’t know a goddamn soul in Florida. Do you care? I don’t think so.”
Shit, this was bad. “Amanda. Stop. Listen to me.”
“I think I’ve heard enough.” Her knuckles went white on the doorknob.
“I just want—”
“I, I, I. Do you even hear yourself, Nick? It’s always about you.”
All the air left his chest. She might as well have kicked him in the stomach.
“This was fun, what we had,” she said. “So good, and too fast. I got caught up in it too. But to give up my life and move somewhere new, with a man who didn’t even think through what that would mean for me? Who throws out a serious, life-changing idea on a whim? Who never tells me he loves me until he uses it to manipulate me? I deserve better than that.” Her voice was flat, but her eyes glowered with outrage. “Please go now. I mean it.”
His head whirred, his heart hammered, and all he could do was stare at her. Holy shit, how had this gone so wrong so fast? “Baby, please. I’m not trying to manipulate you. I love you. I may not have thought this through properly, but that’s because I—”
“I, I, I, again!” she said. “All. About. You.”
He hissed out an exhale as his stomach flipped over, as frustration and anger overtook him. His hands curled into fists. “You, Amanda Kozlov, mean more to me than you can imagine.” He stuffed his fists into his pockets. “You are beautiful and kind, smart and sexy, fierce as fucking hell. You take care of a deathly ill child and master it. You took care of me even when I was a dick to you.” He speared her with his gaze, hoping he was getting through to her. She didn’t look away, so he barreled on. “You give so much of yourself. You have a quick, razor-sharp sense of humor that makes me laugh all the time. I don’t just love you, I like you. I like being with you, even when we do nothing but lie around. Hell, especially when we just lie around. But know what else there is about you?”
He stepped closer, his heart thumping. “For all your tough talk, I think you’re afraid. I think you love me too and you’re afraid to admit it. I’ve tried to talk about what comes next for us several times this week, and you shut me down. Just like you’re shutting me down right now. That’s what’s driving this argument. You.” He pointed a finger at her, punctuating his words. “You. Are. Scared.”
“Fine! I do love you,” she said, and tears sprung to her eyes. “And yes, that scares me.” She cleared her throat, sniffed hard. “And it doesn’t matter. Because if you think we’re only fighting right now because of me, this won’t work. So we’re done. Good-bye, Nick.” Her voice broke on good-bye.
He lurched toward her, but she held out a hand and barked, “Don’t.”
“Please,” he said, urgency flooding him. “You—”
“Good-bye, Nick.”
“If you love me too, don’t do this. Dammit, Amanda—”
“Good-bye, Nick.” She ground out the words from between her teeth, a last warning, like if he didn’t leave right then she’d go ballistic. Her glassy-eyed glare was blistering.
His mind raced as wildly as his heart. She’d totally shut down, that was clear. But he couldn’t just leave. He didn’t know how she could tell him she loved him and throw him out at the same time. He didn’t know anything right now.
“This can’t be over,” he said, searching her eyes for a hint of an opening.
“It is,” she said, not moving, not giving him anything.
His heart dropped to his stomach. Nothing made sense; it was all chaos and waves and white noise. Swearing under his breath, he stormed out. Even halfway down the hallway, the sound of the door closing behind him made misery shoot through him, stealing his breath.
* * *
Nick didn’t give up on anything he cared about without a hell of a fight. For the next few days, he called Amanda every day, texted every day—but calls went to voice mail and texts went unanswered. He didn’t bother going to her apartment building, because he knew she wouldn’t buzz him in past the lobby. There was no way to reach her. She’d barricaded herself. In full-blown “turtle mode,” as she herself had called it.
He tried not to go crazy. He took walks and took naps. He got visits from a different sibling each day. They’d been really great about keeping him in the loop about Myles’s progress and checking on him; he had to admit it. He liked this group more every day. But he still had plenty of time alone to think about what had happened. Time to realize what a complete selfish asshole he’d been.
Amanda was absolutely right; he hadn’t taken her life into consideration when he’d asked her to move. She’d often made cracks about how she had no life, how it centered around the job with Myles. . . . He’d taken that a little too literally. Of course she had roots in New York, but even if she didn’t, a cross-country move was a huge decision, not to be taken lightly or made on a whim. What the hell had he been thinking, dropping it on her the way he had? The answer was simple: he hadn’t been thinking. He’d gotten carried away and done it all wrong. And that pricked him with self-loathing every time he replayed their fight in his mind.
But dammit, he’d been right about two crucial things: that she loved him too, and that it scared her to death. He understood how loving him smashed every self-protective rule she’d put carefully into place. Which was why she’d run like hell. Combine that with his colossal screw-up, and things looked bleak.
He didn’t want to give up on her, but if she wouldn’t answer him in any way, how long could he try before having to concede defeat? He wasn’t a quitter, but he also wasn’t a fool. He was leaving the day after tomorrow, and there was nothing to do but . . . leave. Go back to his life. Miss her every damn day and wish he’d done things differently. Wish that she’d be open with him and honest with herself and that . . . so many things. So many goddamn things.
Early June was nice here—warm, the way he liked it, but not humid yet. Flowers bloomed everywhere; trees were lushly green—lots of color. Long Island was s
o much nicer now than when he’d first arrived on a gray day in April. New York had grown on him. It was a gorgeous evening, so he sat on the bench in the hotel courtyard, stared up at the clear blue sky, and felt the heartache and misery of missing Amanda wash over him for the thousandth time.
His cell phone rang, and he pulled it out of his pocket, the split second of hope crashing when he saw it wasn’t her calling. “Hey, Charles, how’s it goin’?”
“Fine,” Charles said. “I’m still at the hospital. Myles had a good day—I thought you’d want to know.”
Nick smiled for the first time all day. “That’s really great. Thanks for telling me.”
“He’s holding his own. Every day he does is a victory, and a step toward his getting out of here,” Charles said. “So listen. I know you’re leaving on Friday. Up for a good-bye family dinner tomorrow? At my house?”
“Sure,” Nick said. “That’d be fine. I can handle that.”
“Fantastic,” Charles said. “I’ll make the calls. Say . . . seven o’clock?”
“I’ll be there.” Nick paused, then added, “Can I ask you something?”
“Of course.”
“Have you spoken to Amanda in the past few days?”
“Yes, two days ago. She wanted to let me know she was going away for a week with her friends. A spa trip, somewhere in Maine.”
Nick felt nauseous. Not only wasn’t she answering him, she’d fled the state.
Blissfully unaware, Charles continued, “She wanted to let me know on the off chance that Myles was released from the hospital and I needed her, but I assured her that isn’t likely and told her to go have some long-overdue fun. Why do you ask?”
Nick swallowed a sigh and swiped a hand over his face. “Just curious.”
“You know . . . I did ask. She said you were a rough patient at first, but you mellowed out by the end of the week. She said she enjoyed hanging out with you once you were better.” Charles let out a wry chuckle. “You could’ve taken it easy on her, tough guy. She’s not just a great nurse—she’s a truly wonderful person.”
It Might Be You Page 29