The User's Manual for the Brain Volume I
Page 8
“B” -role plays as the subject (client, student, customer, etc).
“C” -is the meta-person (observer, adviser, helper, etc).
3.3.0.4 The Observer/Meta-Person’s Role
Monitor the time allotted for each exercise.
Make sure the exercise follows the guidelines as written.
Give high quality feedback to “A” when requested. “C” does not intervene unless the exercise progresses poorly or incorrectly.
Assist “A” in maintaining a good “Resource State.” Should “A” become discouraged, confused or apprehensive, “C” assists “A” respectfully back into their Resource State.
Observe “B’s” reaction to “A.” Should “B’s” reaction to “A” become incongruent, make note of this and inform “A” during the debriefing period. Do not break in during the exercise.
During the debriefing period following the exercise, give high quality feedback to “A.” Make complimentary statements first followed by a tactful summation of needed improvements.
Follow the same procedure in number 6 above with “B.”
“C” requires of the triad a high quality exercise. Much learning can take place during the exercises. “C” insures that each benefits from the exercise.
Should “C” observe that “A” operates below their potential with the specific exercise, then “C” “stretches” “A” by requesting that the next exercise be more challenging.
3.4 Calibration: Sensory Acuity Exercises
Form groups of four. Each person takes five minutes each and tells four learning experiences. Three of the experiences will relate a true and positive story. Share a fourth false story but one you wish had truth for you. The false story can come in any sequence of your presenting your four stories. After each person tells their learning experiences, the other three pick which one they believe to be false. Use your sensory acuity skills in determining which one you believe to be false. Give sensory-based descriptions as to why you believe the story contains false information.
Form groups of three. “A” begins by holding a dollar bill at waist level. “B” encircles the dollar bill with their hand about mid-way up. “B” stands ready to catch the dollar bill when “A” drops it. “B” calibrates each time “A” drops the dollar bill until “B” figures out “A’s” unconscious movements, etc., prior to “A’s” dropping the dollar bill. “A” will give off unconscious signals before dropping the dollar bill.
When “B” catches the dollar bill three times in a row, then you know you have determined “A’s” pattern. “B” notices what they calibrate to catch the dollar bill. “B” gives back to “A” sensory-based descriptions of their unconscious movements. “C” serves as the meta-person.
Do a round robin.
3.5 How to Gain Rapport: Matching and Mirroring
How do you gain rapport at the unconscious level? You become LIKE the other person through a process called Matching and Mirroring.
How do you gain rapport? How does one establish communication at the unconscious level? Actually, gaining rapport at the unconscious level occurs simply: you become like the other person. When people look, sound, act, and move like each other, they tend to like each other. Same-sized pendulums, when placed together on a wall and suspended with a taut wire, will gradually synchronize their swings. Nature thus seems to love for the physical world to move into a state of harmony. We too can gain rapport with people by acting like them through a process called matching and mirroring.
The next time you go into a restaurant, notice the tables alive with conversation. If you look carefully, the conversants will sit, talk, and gesture in very similar manner. They will seem to operate as if in sync. Do we match and mirror in large group meetings? The next time you attend a large group meeting, look down the row of chairs. Notice how many people sit in similar positions. Do these people do this consciously? No. They have entered into a rapport with each other at an unconscious level.
3.5.0.5 An Example of Rapport
As a Christian professional, Karen felt her life caving in around her. It went back to a time in her life when at seven years of age, a fifteen-year-old neighborhood boy sexually abused her. The abuse continued for some time. Now at thirty-six, feelings from those horrible experiences began to resurface. She sought help from a minister friend of mine who had some training in NLP. Because of his limited training, he referred her to me (BB).
When people become like each other, they like each other.
The referring minister said that Karen desperately wanted help. Such clients usually come most receptive for therapy, and Karen fitted that description. When we met at the minister’s office, I arrived first and waited with him for Karen’s arrival. I knew of Karen, but had not met her. Upon arriving, Karen said, “Hello Bob!” and sat down in the chair in front of me.
Now the first task of the therapist always involves establishing rapport. I did not have to do that with Karen. She did it. When she sat down in front of me, she took a position in her chair that reflected my posture. Her posture mirrored mine. She crossed her legs in the same way. She even placed her head in her hand in a way that matched mine. She also matched my voice. Did Karen do this consciously? No. All of this mirroring and matching occurred unconsciously. Without my training in NLP I might not have noticed her mirroring and matching me.
What elements can we match and mirror? We can match and mirror another’s physiology, voice, posture, gesturing, facial expression, blinking, words, tilt of the head, etc. When a person with whom you desire rapport tilts their head, do the same. If they tilt their head to the left, tilt your head to the right. In this way you mirror them exactly as you sit across from them. Their left corresponds to your right. Notice the curvature of their spine and align yourself with their posture. When they talk, take note of their gestures. As you respond, use the corresponding gestures. Give them back their gestures as you respond. But do not match their gestures while they talk otherwise your matching might not occur outside of their conscious awareness!
You may wonder, “Won’t the person notice my mirroring? How should I respond if they accuse me of mimicking them?” Not surprisingly, this rarely happens. We have mirrored and matched people for years and almost never get caught!
Just once did I (BB) get caught. During a therapy session, the client said, “You are sitting like I am sitting.” I responded, “Well, yes, now that you mention it, I am. How is it that you noticed?” By the way, that client worked as a practicing psychotherapist. She said, “My boyfriend has become a student of NLP and he told me about mirroring and matching.” So she came cued to notice!
Crossover mirroring refers to mirroring a portion of a person’s physiology with a different portion of your physiology.
So match and mirror people discretely. You can delay your matching and mirroring by a few seconds. If they shift, wait a few seconds and then match their shift. You may also use crossover mirroring. Crossover mirroring refers to mirroring a portion of a person’s physiology with a different portion of your physiology. If they move their leg, you can move your arm. You may match a person’s breathing by moving your finger up and down at the same rate as their breathing. Such discretion will keep their conscious minds from becoming aware of your mirroring them.
You can also match facial expressions and blinking. You can match the tension in facial muscles. Note their lower lip and shape your lower lip to mirror their lower lip. Take note of the rate of their eyes blinking and match with your eyes.
An excellent way to gain deep rapport involves matching someone’s breathing. When someone talks, they breathe out. Match them by breathing out while they speak. When they take a breath, take a breath as well. When you speak to them, talk while they breathe out and inhale with them. If you have a difficult time observing someone’s breathing patterns, notice the tops of their shoulders. The rise and fall of their shoulders will reveal their breathing pattern.
A great portion of communication occurs through the au
ditory tonal channel. As you match someone’s voice tone you have another marvelous avenue for gaining rapport. Match the tone, speed, quality, and volume of their voice. If someone has a soft voice, then match their softness. Should they speak rapidly, then you match their voice with the same speed. If they speak loudly, you speak loudly. Matching someone’s voice provides an excellent tool in gaining instant rapport.
3.6 Mirroring Exercise
3.6.0.6 Body Molding
“A” faces “B” with “C” sitting (or standing) behind “B’s” line of peripheral vision.
“C” places themself in an unusual posture with unusual facial expressions. Don’t overdo it because “C” must hold this position for a few minutes.
“A” directs “B” to take on the same posture and facial expressions as “C.” Thus, “A” gives good sensory directions to “B.”
You can “stretch” this exercise further by asking “A” not to use words but gestures and grunts to mold “B.”
3.6.0.7 Behavioral Mirroring
Do this exercise with 5 people. Person number 5 serves as the meta-person.
“A” and “B” role play a short interaction. Keep very short…not over 2 minutes.
“C” and “D” observe and listen carefully to “A” and “B’s” role play. “C” observes “A” and “D” observes “B.” “C” and “D” reproduce “A” and “B’s” skit; and importantly, they mirror “A” and “B’s” physiology (posture, gestures, facial expressions and breathing), and match their voice tonality, pitch, speed, quality and volume. “C” and “D” may have “A” and “B” repeat their skit once or twice.
“E” serves as the meta person and coaches where necessary. “E” only interrupts should the exercise become badly out of order. Should “C” and “D” forget the exact words, just ad lib, concentrating on mirroring physiology and matching voice tonality, etc.
Should “C” and “D” become overwhelmed, chunk down and reproduce only those areas recalled.
Do a round robin. “E” becomes “A,” “A” becomes “B,” “B” becomes “C,” “D” becomes “E”, and repeat.
3.7 Difference Between Matching & Mirroring
In building rapport, we match and mirror physiology, tonality and words. What differs between these two verbs of matching and mirroring? The difference lies in degrees. When you mirror someone, you take on and “become” their mirror image. If they have crossed their right leg over their left leg, you cross your left leg over your right leg. Since you stand opposite them when you face them, you mirror them by crossing opposite legs. In mirroring their words, you give back to them their exact words.
If you match someone’s words, you do not give back to them their precise words. You rather seek to match their general rep system. If they say, “I don’t see what you are saying,” you match by responding, “Sure, let me show you what I mean.” A mirroring response would go, “I know you don’t see what I am saying.” In matching physiology with someone who has crossed right leg over left leg, you would match them if you crossed your right leg over your left leg. This works similarly to cross-over mirroring. In mirroring we do precisely as the person does; in matching, we match more generally.
3.8 Matching & Mirroring An Angry Person
After attending an introductory conference on rapport building skills, a lady inquired, “How do you match and mirror an angry person?” Her father would often get angry and shout at her. Shouting became a pattern of behavior for him. In matching and mirroring someone in an angry state, simply match and mirror their physiology and tonality. However, as you do, do not match the angry content. In other words, do not use threatening language.
Suppose someone angrily said, “Why aren’t you doing a better job?” In your reply, match their voice tonality. Tonality includes the pitch, speed, quality, and loudness of their voice. While you so respond, give them back the gestures they used while questioning you and do all of this in a non-threatening way. You could respond, “How do you evaluate my work as not good?”
Rapport Summarized:
How do we gain rapport with people? We gain rapport by matching and mirroring the other person’s expressions.
Physiology Tonality Words
Posture Pitch Predicates
Gestures Speed
Facial expressions Quality
Breathing Loudness
Practicing these skills empowers us to gain rapport with anyone. You will find such rapport skills applicable to many areas of your life. Today you may have special needs to establish rapport with your spouse or child. Tomorrow your place of employment may require you to get into rapport with a supervisor, co-worker or subordinate. Even in leading a committee or a group, rapport skills greatly facilitate understanding and help to eliminate misunderstandings and unnecessary conflict. Because groups have leaders, identify the leader and establish rapport with him or her. In this way you can pace and lead the entire group. Life will present you with many opportunities to use your rapport skills.
3.9 Knowing When You Have Rapport
How do you know when you have rapport? James (1990) offered five indicators of rapport.
Check your matching of the person’s physiology, tonality, and words.
Notice if you experience an internal feeling like a feeling in the stomach. It may, at first, feel somewhat uncomfortable. Thereafter you may feel it as warmth of unity with the other person.
Within about a minute after you detect this feeling, you may notice changes in the other person’s color. You may feel this blushing feeling in yourself as well.
You may hear statements indicating that the other person feels connected, “I feel like I have known you before.” “I find it so easy to talk with you.” This commonly expresses the interpersonal state of two people in rapport. Each feels “at home” with the other.
You can lead and the other will follow. This indicates a certainty of rapport. Test for rapport by doing something different—leading out in a new response physiologically or verbally. If you scratch your ear, then so will the other person. If you shift your position, a sign of rapport lies in the fact that they shortly do too. If you lead verbally in visual predicates and notice that the other shifts to the same, then they have followed your lead. We can do the same with the subject. Does the other follow? Yes? Then you have rapport.
3.10 Homework
Establish rapport with as many people as you can this coming week. Practice, practice, practice.
Match and mirror someone near you in a restaurant. Notice your skills in doing so that establish rapport.
When you go up to a counter to purchase something, practice establishing instant rapport with the person at the counter.
Train your consciousness to closely observe different facets of non-verbal communication. On Monday watch for color changes in faces. Tuesday, watch for lower lip size. Wednesday, observe people’s breathing patterns. Thursday, notice the variety of body builds and their relationship to the rep systems. Friday, listen for voice tonality and quality. Saturday and Sunday, look for eye accessing patterns.
Use your television time to develop your sensory acuity. Tune into a talk show with your eye accessing chart before you.
3.11 Thought Questions To Assist Your Learning:
What do we mean by the phrase “sensory acuity”?
How can a person develop and increase their “sensory acuity”? Describe.
Why does matching or pacing another person’s rep system or physiology create “rapport”?
List the non-verbal facets that you have a natural skill for noticing or pacing. Then list all of the items that you seldom, if ever, notice.
What does “calibration” in NLP mean?
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Perceptual Positions
1st Position: Self, from one’s own eyes—total self-reference.
2nd Position: Other, from eyes of another person—total other-reference.
3rd Position: External Viewer, from any other position�
��totally dissociated.
4th Position: From the perspective of the system—associated in the perspective of the whole system.
5th Position: From the perspective of the universe—taking on multiple perceptual positions with ability to change rapidly among them.
The realization that we humans operate from three basics ways of looking at experience offers tremendous potential in state control and in the enhancing of our communication. In NLP we refer to these ways as being the first, second and third perceptual positions. When you associate into your own body, you live in first position. This permits you to look at the world from your own viewpoint. In the first position, you do not take into account anyone else’s position. You simply think, “How does this conversation or communication affect me?”
Second position means you walk in the other person’s shoes. You take into consideration how a communication or event would look, feel and sound from another person’s point of view. In the second position, you imagine yourself entering the other person’s body. In this position you imagine looking at yourself through their eyes. What do you look like, sound like, and what feelings do you get from the other person’s viewpoint of you? In the second position you develop ability in experiencing empathy. This position gives much flexibility when involved in conflict with someone. From the second position you can appreciate how they feel about your conversation and behavior. Build rapport before going second position. And, by going second position, notice how the rapport deepens. Second position offers an extremely valuable model in deepening rapport.