Old Men in Love

by Alasdair Gray

  He said that in some ways he admired us. He didn’t object to our Principal riding to hounds because there was nothing in Holy Writ against killing foxes, but Ollivant was too fond of money. He was Rector of two parishes, and angling for a third, and his work here meant he hardly visited any. Then he said, “But Prince, you are an abominable fellow. Abominable.”

  At this Rees told Thomas he had better leave. I said “No, stay Thomas,” (standing up to face him) and, “Abominable, yes, carry on.”

  He then said I kept suggesting people were not humble enough and I had the pride of Lucifer. I thought only of myself – how could I help people if I didn’t love them? I wanted fellow students in this prayer group because through prayer I could master them without liking them. That was also why I searched out poor dying men and women and plagued their last moments. It was not gentlemanly. It was not nice. He had no wish to be offensive but it was not nice.

  I had difficulty silencing the protests of the others but they listened when I told them that Thomas was right about me. I am cold-hearted. My mother and sister have idolized me and given me all they can but I do not love them. They are the kind of church-goers who have never experienced God, and the fact that they will go to Hell does not dismay me as it should. The only human creature I much like is an elderly Catholic lady who taught me to pray from the heart, but I love her less than I love Jesus, and my love for Jesus is feeble indeed. Sometimes I feel close to him and swim serenely in an ocean of living, liquid love. But after an hour of this Holy Communion with the bridegroom of my soul I feel, not that God is good and glorious, but that I am good and glorious. And at once I am cast down and have to lie many weeks before the gate of Hell without one drop of Heavenly moisture to wet my tongue. Yes, my pride is like Lucifer’s. I need honest friends to show me the detestable body of my wicked will. That was why Thomas had been sent here tonight by God. Could Thomas not see that? Would he not join us in a prayer for the salvation of my soul and the souls of my spiritual brothers here assembled? For the souls, if he wished, of all the college?

  He said he could hardly refuse a request like that, and knelt and joined us, heart and soul, I verily believe.

  June 20th – I returned today to my dying penitent. Her husband opened the door and tried to deny me entrance. He said his wife was very ill and I had made her terribly unhappy. I told him she needed me. He said violently, “You will not cross this door sir!”

  She heard his voice and screamed, “O David let him in! Let him in David.”

  He hesitated and I entered.

  At once she began telling me she was a great sinner and much afraid of dying. She incessantly asked me, “Shall I die? Am I dying? Has God answered your prayers? Will he forgive my sins? Are you sure?”

  The anguish of her mind became intolerable. Some perspiration appearing on the body she thought to be the forerunner of death, and jumping out of bed she dashed herself naked upon the floor, crying and shrieking in a most horrible manner. She called for leeches, blisters, bleeding to save her life, and then cried for prayer, Bible, sacraments to save her soul. And at last I dared to feel that it was indeed the hand of the living God who was shaking her soul and preparing it to receive his overwhelming grace. At last she lay still and exhausted in bed, her husband standing amazed at the door, biting his knuckles. As she stared into my eyes I asked if she recognized me? She nodded. I told her I thought she was now ready to meet God. Her mouth was moved by something like a smile. I asked if she loved him? She whispered, “I love God and I love you.”

  1837

  Sept. 24th – The Spirit having moved me to fast for several days, I feel the power of the flesh very much in respect of appetite: I frequently prefer a piece of bread and cheese to God. I discern distinctly that I am a beast – earthly, sensual, devilish; also that the world, all that is seen, is outside of God. The whole world lieth in the devil, but I am of God. Lord deliver me from self, and let my will be so wholly swallowed up in Thine that Thou mayest become my Self. Amen, and Amen!

  My health continues very precarious. Deemed it to be the will of God that I should not complete the College term; wrote for a certificate of exemption; the authorities readily consented. It is wonderful how God disposes the hearts of others toward me. Am to return to Bath on Wednesday with Mother who will take me up when her carriage passes through Lampeter: her plan to visit cousins (which would have made that impossible) is now put off. Truly, God is “wonderful in working”. When the promptings of a man’s heart affect the purposes of Jehovah, He makes a way for them. I have done with plans, purposes, intentions, I am a mere instrument, in the hands of The Divine Architect, for the building of His spiritual temple.

  Oct. 5th – Have been shaken over the grave by an attack of dysentery attended with extreme pain, tendency to fainting, with a fluttering pulse above one hundred, and a clammy skin, that I thought it not improbable that I should die in a few minutes. Like one hovering between life and death I took a hasty review of my past – the whole appeared like one long, uninterrupted sin. How wonderful is the wisdom of God: had this taken place at Lampeter, I should have died without the diet and close attention that has barely kept life in me, even here. Save me, O Lord, from my most subtle, persevering, ever present and most deadly enemy, my self; blot out my sin with Thine most precious blood. Cleanse my polluted soul with Thine own indwelling holiness! Amen, and Amen.

  Nov. 29th – The lord has been conducting my soul through clouds and darkness, and has convinced me of my entire impotency, to a degree I could scarcely conceive. My soul has been like a waste and howling wilderness, dark, barren, hard, and desolate; my Heaven was brass, and my Earth iron; and my soul seemed only fit to be the habitation of dragons, and a court for screech owls. Self was bound hand and foot in the midst of this unadulterated misery; corruption raged. I could see neither light, nor grace, nor God; could neither think, nor reflect, nor turn to God, nor recollect myself. My soul was driven to an extremity I could not turn to the right hand nor to the left. All doing was come to an end; it was a time of pure suffering: yet I was in perfect peace for my spirit was abiding in God, and dwelt in “a peaceable habitation”, even while the hail came “down on the forest”.

  I visited poor Y. last week; he had been ill three weeks. The door of the house was locked, so that I was obliged to clamber in at the window. He was alone in his miserable hovel, sitting shivering over a small fire, with a few potatoes and his Bible. The poor fellow had just been passing through a fiery trial, during which he was sore pressed by Satan to destroy himself: Hell seemed open to him, Christ far away, prayer almost impossible: he wandered about in agony and terror for many days until comfort gradually returned. He was much in the Spirit when I saw him, and very changed in character – though haughty, proud and independent spirit had sunk into the gentleness and meekness of a little child; he could not open his mouth for shame; he prayed and so did I: it was a good time; I felt God to be in the room, and found much communion of spirit.

  Y. was converted many years ago; his conversion was remarkable, and attended, at first, with great alarm, and subsequently, with full reconciliation, and much joy and love. Some years afterwards – about nine years ago – he was prevailed upon to take more liquor than he could bear, under the influence of which he was tempted by others, and actually committed fornication. The result was a total departure of his former peace, great anguish, fear of hell, and an accusing conscience. He has never known settled peace since, through he has sought it with many tears, but has been a mourner all his days. And not withstanding his outward diseases, which have been severe, he has scarcely ever known what it is to have the light of the Lord’s countenance shine upon him since the days of his iniquity. Surely, sin is indeed an evil, and a bitter thing; or, as he says, “God will not let His people have sin cheap.”

  Dec 6th – This day my beloved Mother in Christ consented to become my wife.

  “This is the Lord’s doing; it is marvellous in our eyes.” How peculiar has bee
n our intercourse; how remote from everything that could have led me to anticipate such a result as this. God has been wonderfully preparing us for each other, without our entertaining the least suspicion of what He was about. As I walk upon the downs with my dear Martha I am happy to find that, though I love her dearly, she is not the supreme object of my affections for I love God and Jesus Christ infinitely better. He reminds us that the other is a creature, and I feel that if God were to make over the whole universe to my absolute control, there is an appetite for Jesus which only He could satisfy. He calls me to walk with Him and be perfect.

  1838

  Dec 10th – Yesterday I saw myself so exceedingly wicked that I felt I had done M. an injury in asking her to marry such a wretch, and ought to ask forgiveness for doing so. Then I suffered, for about two hours, intense agony from toothache, during which I was enabled, through grace, to cleave unto Jesus inwardly, and find enjoyment in Him. I could bless Him for my pain and thankful that He allowed me to suffer in anyway to His glory. O self, thou are my bitterest, most implacable and cruel enemy! Why does’t thou pursue me so, even to the very gate of Heaven? For thou cans’t not enter it.

  Am returning to Lampeter. I do not go here or there; but God takes me up and puts me down just where He pleases. He gives me grace and strength to preach the Gospel from the sofa and armchair as effectually as from the pulpit.

  183?46 – Yesterday I had arranged to walk with Rees and Thomas into Swansea. Today they came into my room when I was asking the Holy Spirit whether or not I should take an umbrella and had received no clear reply. I told them that perhaps God did not choose that I visit Swansea. Rees asked me if some matters were not too trivial to refer to Almighty God. None, I told him. He said he was quite sure God did not mind him visiting Swansea. I bade him goodbye and he left. Brother Thomas chose to remain. I told him that my mother in God, my Catholic friend Miss Freeman, had written to tell me she is being baptized in to the Church of England. He agreed that as we are engaged to marry this is splendid news, then suggested that, since we were staying indoors this afternoon, we might construe Aristotle together. I told him God’s spirit did not move me to study the classics. Christ did not choose scholars to spread his word, he chose ignorant fishermen. The Holy Spirit taught them what to do and say: will teach us also, so I would not prepare for the examination. He said, “I loath the classics too – they keep referring to beastly natural functions as if they were ordinary. But if we don’t pass the exam we won’t be ordained clergymen – we’ll be as cut off from the Apostolic Succession as any Methodist or Quaker. How can you get over that?”

  I told him that problem could be left in the hands of God.

  1839

  April 12th – The east wind usually makes me dreadfully ill. It has blown steadily for three weeks, but God gave me faith to believe it would not injure me, nor did it, though I went out in it daily. Yesterday my faith failed, and the wind being strong and the sun hot I expected to be laid up when Lo! the wind shifted to the North. I have no doubt that God gave me special faith and then took it away when it was no longer needed. Nor do I doubt that I, through faith, subdued the east wind to the glory of God.

  June 7th – Today Dr Ollivant announced what he said would come as a relief to many. Queen Victoria’s coronation will soon be upon us. With that in mind he had petitioned the Archbishop for a remission of the approaching examination. That remission had now been granted. All students are therefore to consider themselves as having passed. Many outside the circle of the Brethren burst into unseemly applause. Only those proud of their scholastic merit were disgruntled. Only Thomas, formerly a doubter, looked at me with full understanding of this miracle. I fear that Rees, like many others, thanks God for it but thinks Ollivant mainly responsible!

  July 16th – On Tuesday, July 10 was married to my beloved M. Truly I may say of Thee, O my God, “This is the Lord’s doing, it is marvellous in our eyes.” I never discerned the Lord’s hand so distinctly in any event of my life, than I do in my union with dear M. He has abundantly confirmed my trust in His wondrous condescension and tender regard for His dear, though undeserving, children. With respect to my health I may say I know not when I felt so well as I did on the morning of my marriage. God is allowing me rest and quietude, with some relaxation of the outer man to confirm my health with a view to more effective future duty, either in doing or suffering. As I walk and drive about the Downs with dear M., enjoying the fine air and doing nothing, I feel how utterly contemptible life would be if the object and end were nothing better than enjoyment; indeed had not the Will of God called me to this life I would feel it were no life. I seem no better than a vegetation. O how truly miserable must be those who live to be happy.

  Aug 15th – I protest that I die daily. My inward life is undergoing a gradual destruction. I perceive life lies substantially in the will; and only Spirit of God can destroy the will, the iron-hearted will of man, keeping it in a state of continual crucifixion, cutting asunder soul and spirit like a two edged sword. O Love. Whose life is the Light of Thine unsullied truth, it is Thou art that “devouring fire” – Thou art those “everlasting burnings” of eternity. O, who shall dwell with Thee?

  Oct 28th – I have had no permission from God to write this journal since I made my last entry. It would not be possible, if indeed it were lawful to describe the marvellous work God has been carrying on in my soul in the last seven weeks. I have passed through the middle of self, and now, at length, come out at the other side into God.47 God has answered my prayer and condescended to teach me Himself by His own Spirit. For the last two and a half years this journal has been penned under the guidance and Spirit of God within me, faithfully recording the long and toilsome journey from the creature up to God. Though the expectations behind my prayers were almost unbounded, yet God, in answering them, has done exceeding abundantly more than I could either ask or think. I, being routed and grounded in love, can comprehend the breadth, and depth, and length, and height of Christ’s love and can say in all sobriety and seriousness “I am filled with all the fullness of God.” Unto Him in the church of Christ Jesus, throughout all ages, world without end Amen! Amen! and Amen!

  – These Amens are the last words of Henry James Prince’s published diary. In the three years it covers he had introduced his sister to Arthur Rees, at first his closest friend at Lampeter, and they had married. No entries refer to these events. When he gave his manuscript to the printers twenty years later his sister and Rees had no place in this spiritual autobiography.

  23: CHARLINCH

  Before leaving St David’s College as an ordained clergyman Henry James Prince visited the Principal for the customary exchange of farewell civilities. Dr Ollivant, though glad to be seeing this troublesome former student for the last time, offered Prince a glass of wine and no flicker of annoyance changed his bland, ruddy face when the offer was quietly refused. Standing aside his hearthrug he said, “I wish you joy of your curacy, Prince. Charlinch, eh?”

  “Charlinch, near Bridgwater.”

  “Rural and secluded. I thought you would have preferred a busy parish in an infernal manufacturin’ town where you would have had scope to evangelize. Agricultural congregations are brutish and dull rather than vicious and lost – Charlinch doesn’t even have a public house. But the rectory is quite large, I believe. I hope Mrs Prince did not come to you empty-handed, I know you are not a rich man.”

  “Her fortune is sufficient for us,” said Henry quietly.

  “Good. Good. The Church of England is like the British Army: you can’t go far in it without money or connections. Sam Starky, your rector, is well connected. Nephew of Lady Alicia Coventry, related through her to half the nobility of England. If not exactly a foot-hold it is a good toe-hold, if you know how to climb. I was impressed by how adroitly you set up your own little establishment here – The Lampeter Brethren, no less! Enthusiasm was thought a disease of the labourin’ classes when I was young. Our aristocracy were nearly all atheists, th
ough it was bad form to say so – they knew the Church of England was needed to hold the rabble down. French aristos were open atheists and look what happened to them! But times have changed, Prince. Yes, nerve and imagination can work wonders. However, Starky is a sickly fellow, a valetudinarian if not exactly a hypochondriac, always takin’ the cure at waterin’ places and south coast resorts. I doubt if you’ll ever actually see him.”

  There was a brief silence in which Henry was about to take his leave when Ollivant said abruptly, “You are a good soul and mean well, Prince, so I am moved to offer advice. I hear that – apart from readin’ a few heady mystics – you despize erudition.”

  “The disciples Jesus called were not erudite, Dr Ollivant.”

  “Quite so, but then Jesus instructed them, and He taught those ignorant fishermen so well that by their eloquence the whole Roman Empire was at last converted.”

  “And by the miracle of Pentecost, sir.”

  “O yes. Tongues of fire from Heaven givin’ everyone the gift of tongues. Well, we must not look for that miracle nowadays, for if we do it will turn us into lunatics, charlatans, or dupes like poor Edward Irving. He prayed for the gift of tongues and got it with a vengeance! Hysterical women where he preached started babblin’ nonsense until they and their supporters took Irving over and made a new religion of him – The Catholic Apostolic Pentecostal Church, no less! A church that rejects the doctrine of Original Sin. The Church of Scotland must be glad they excommunicated him before that happened. The Churches of England, Rome and every decent non-conformist sect would have done the same. Irving saw the error of his ways before he died but fools rich enough to know better still keep Catholic Apostolic churches goin’ strong, not just in London and Edinburgh but France, Germany, Switzerland and the United States. They must think they’re buyin’ places in the Kingdom of Heaven. Any danger of you goin’ Pentecostal, Prince?”