If he lost his mother so soon after losing his father, he didn't know how he'd survive it.
With that thought on his mind, he rapped on the door. He was still deep in thought when the door opened and Tara slapped him across the face.
He stepped back, stunned. He rubbed his face that was still sore from bruising when the burglar had hit him. "What'd you do that for?"
"I can't believe you told Dakota that I was good in bed. How could you?"
She tried to shut the door, but he caught it with his foot. "Wait. He told you that?"
She backed into the apartment, her hands fisted on her hips. "Yes. He did."
"When did you talk to him?" He took another step closer until he was inside the door.
"I cut his hair today. We were talking and he told me what you used to say about me in the locker rooms after track. That I was really good in bed."
"I never said anything like that when I was in the locker room. He's full of crap."
"So how did he know we used to go to my house and... you know."
"Lucky guess? How do I know? I just don't get why he would tell you that. Was he trying to get you to sleep with him?" Tara had told him earlier that he'd asked her out, but he hadn't taken her seriously. Not really. But now...
The guilty look in her eyes told him he had struck a nerve. A sinking sensation in his stomach made him suck in his breath. "You didn't... with him, did you?"
She gasped and slapped him again. This time he felt something trickle over his lip. She'd actually given him a bloody nose.
"Get out of my house."
"Wait, Tara. Listen, I'm sorry I asked you that. I know you wouldn't do something like that with him." He reached for a tissue on the end table and held it under his nose.
Some of the spark seemed to go out of her and her shoulders sagged. Unless he was right? Oh, no, he couldn't be...
"He kissed me." She looked on the verge of tears.
Now he was the one getting mad. "And you let him?"
She nodded. "I was upset. I didn't think he would do it, but then he was on me."
"But you pushed him away, right?"
She nodded. "At first. But then I kissed him when I thought you'd told him about us."
He groaned and removed the tissue. His nose had stopped bleeding. "That jerk manipulated you. Can't you see that?"
Tara shrugged and started crying again.
Josiah looked around but didn't see Tara's mother anywhere.
"She's sleeping." Tara said through her tears.
"How's she doing?" He tried to change the subject to give them both a chance to cool down. In all the years they had dated they had never fought like this.
"Mom didn't feel well tonight. She gets headaches sometimes. So I gave her a painkiller and she conked right out. She won't wake up until morning."
"That's good." He peered around looking for a trashcan.
"Here. Give me that." She grabbed the bloodied tissue by the corner and tossed it in the trash. When she turned back around, she cast her gaze down.
"Thanks." He stared at her, not sure what to say next as he gently closed the front door.
Tara peered up and said, "I'm sorry I hit you."
He shrugged. "You thought I'd done something despicable. I totally get your anger. I would be mad at me, too, if I were you and thought I'd blabbed to the track team about us."
"I'm so sorry." She winced and hugged him tight. "Please forgive me."
He inhaled the sweet fragrance of her and held her close. "I do."
"Thank you," she whispered into his shirt.
Stepping back so he could look her in the eyes, he swallowed hard. He could feel her trembling. He wanted her so much. How was he going to continue to resist her when everything in him longed for her in every way? "I love you, Tara."
She closed her eyes, but her head was still tipped up as if inviting his kiss. Who was he to deny her what they both wanted?
He poured so much emotion into his kiss to show her that she would always be his first love. She seemed to melt into him the more he kissed her. He gave in until he sensed her hands reaching for places better left untouched. But he couldn't resist. He didn't want to. Yet he tried, at least in his mind, to do the right thing.
As she rubbed against him with her hips, he moaned. Everything was pulsing through him right now. It was almost painful to resist. He pushed thoughts of stopping aside.
She whimpered against his mouth and he grew frustrated as he fought the urge to continue, but ultimately lost himself in her. As she touched his face, he gazed into her eyes. She removed her shirt and he discovered she hadn't worn a bra underneath. She was so beautiful, he couldn't help gazing at her and taking her all in as he followed her into her bedroom.
"Touch me." She reached for his hand and placed it over her sensitive areas.
How could he resist and invitation like that? He'd have to be an idiot. Or a decent man. So which one was he? Hadn't he promised God and himself that he wouldn't do this again?
Pushing that thought away, he moved her toward her bed and they lay down, kissing the whole time. He allowed his hands to explore and rubbed his palms against her silky skin. He reveled in the taste of her, and the sensation of her hands moving to unsnap his pants. She was like a drug, and he couldn't get enough.
Before he fully realized what had happened, they were naked and he was groaning and holding her tight as he finished what they should never have started. She sighed and rested her head on his bare chest. She completed him. He could see that. Yes, it was wrong to find pleasure in each other this way, but weren't they married in God's eyes anyway?
He hated that he rationalized his sin, but it was hard not to when he'd given in to temptation again. Maybe the battle to refrain from sex was too difficult to overcome. He already knew he needed God's help to be strong enough. Yet, once the kissing and touching started, God was always the last thing on his mind.
The sinking sensation in his chest told him that God was not pleased with him. Nor would He ever be when one of his children fornicated with another. As the man, he was supposed to present Tara as holy and blameless before the Lord, not stain her because of his unrestrained lust. He should have asked God for courage and left before they started kissing. And he never should have followed her to her bedroom. He couldn't afford to stumble in his walk with God every time he saw her. But stumble they did.
What were they going to do now?
Tara's chest rose and fell slowly, like she'd fallen asleep. He didn't want to move her, so he rested with his arms around her and he fell asleep as well.
Early the next morning, Josiah woke, still holding Tara in his arms. She was so beautiful. He wanted to wake up with her every morning. He nudged her gently and she opened her eyes. As she lifted her head and saw that they were both lying naked on her bed, her eyes widened.
"I thought I'd only dreamt this."
"This is as real as it gets."
She groaned, closed her eyes, and dropped her head on his chest. "We're hopeless."
He kissed the top of her head and tried to decide what to do now that they've clearly shown each other that resistance wasn't possible. Not on a consistent basis anyway.
"We need to talk to our pastor." She glanced up and gazed into his eyes. "We need to get married, Josiah. I don't see any other way."
"Are you sure?" He knew he loved her. That wasn't an issue. But should they get married? He figured if anyone could give them wise counsel, it would be his pastor.
"Okay, we'll make an appointment to see him. But not today."
"Why not?"
"My mother found a lump and she's terrified because her mother died of breast cancer. I have to take her to the hospital."
"I'll be praying for you." She blinked back tears. "But first, I need to do some confessing."
Chapter Seventeen
As Josiah waited for his mother to finish her breast exam, he worried that her concerns about cancer would come true. Hoping to
avoid getting emotional in the waiting room, he redirected his thoughts to ponder how he'd once again fallen on his face with Tara.
The guilty look in her eyes that morning had mirrored his feelings. What would their pastor think when they told him what was going on? He dreaded the possibility that his pastor's advice would be for them to break up. He'd rather get run over by a bus than to hurt Tara like that. So why did he keep falling into sin with her?
He'd read in his Bible the other day about how sin so easily entangles. That was unfortunately too true for him. It was also hurting his spiritual life. Now when he played the preacher in town, instead of feeling good about his role, he felt like a big fat hypocrite.
Thankfully their pastor agreed to meet with them in just a few days. In the meanwhile, he'd do his best to avoid being alone with Tara. Then again, if their pastor was going to tell them they had to break up permanently, part of him wanted to spend every minute with her that he could before then. He'd never felt so conflicted in his life.
Hoping to calm his racing heart, he closed his eyes and prayed, Lord, please speak through our pastor so we will know what Your will is for us. You know I don't want to hurt Tara again, or mess up my relationship with You. Forgive us, Lord, for what we've done, and guide us in the way You want us to go. I can tell Tara is as confused as I am. I wish it was clear, but neither of us is sure what to do. We thank You, Lord for answering our prayer. Let the pastor's words be Yours, Lord, and not his own.
Something clicked and he glanced up. His mother stepped through the door and headed straight toward him. He couldn't tell by the look on her face whether or not she was upset, but figured he would find out once they got outside.
"I need coffee," his mother said. "Let's go to Starbucks."
"Sounds good to me."
As he drove away from the medical center, he waited to see if she'd say anything. When they finally parked, he turned off the engine and stared at her, praying she would tell him and put him out of his misery. Maybe she didn't want to say anything while they were driving because she didn't want to upset him. He could appreciate that.
A few tears slid down his mother's cheeks and he feared the worst.
"What did they say?"
"I'm going to be okay. It’s not a tumor. They said it's just a cyst." Her lips trembled, but the relief in her eyes reassured him she was being truthful.
"Thank you, God." He hugged his mom, and as she cried in his arms, he swallowed his tears. He would be forever grateful to God that his mother was in the clear. At least, for now. There would always be a threat there because of her family history, but he was relieved that there was no evidence at this time that it would affect her.
Now all he had to do was worry about his relationship with Tara and their future.
"Are you still going to town today for the celebration?"
"I had planned to. I love playing the town preacher, but lately it's felt... awkward."
"Why?" His mom searched his eyes, so he glanced to the side. He hated to disappoint her again by confessing his lack of restraint. Hopefully she wouldn't press him too hard if he gave her a vague answer.
"I'm not good enough to portray a man of the cloth. I feel like a freakin' hypocrite."
"It's just a role, Son." She patted his hand. "Or is there more going on with you?"
"I'd rather not talk about it." Please don't ask me anymore. I don't want to lie on top of everything else.
"It's about you and Tara, again, isn't it?"
He cringed. She was so good at reading his mind. Sometimes it was downright scary.
He nodded.
"Oh, honey. You didn't..."
Glancing up with tears in his eyes, he said, "I did."
They gazed at each other for several minutes and neither spoke. Finally he whispered, "What am I going to do?"
"First, you need to meet with the pastor."
"Tara and I already talked about it. We have an appointment with him in a few days."
"What do you want to do?"
"I want to marry her, Mom. I want to take care of her and her mother."
His mother stared at him for a few moments and nodded. "I understand."
"What do you think I should do?"
Compassion filled his mother's gaze. "I think you already know the answer."
They drove home in silence. He didn't want to probe further because he worried that he'd have to give Tara up. He couldn't live without her. Or could he?
*****
Tara held Josiah's hand as they waited in their pastor's office for Pastor John to enter the room. She released his hand when she saw their pastor coming down the hall.
"How are you two today?" Pastor John reached for Josiah's hand first, and shook it. Then he shook Tara's."
"We're doing fine," Josiah answered for them.
She nodded, unable to find her voice.
Pastor John folded his hands on his desk. "So what would you like to talk about?"
"We want to get married." Josiah peered at her as if hoping for her approval.
She didn't know what to say, so she waited for their pastor's response.
He looked at Tara. "You seem unsure."
She tried to answer truthfully. "I love Josiah. I do. It's just that we have this problem..."
Josiah cleared his throat and she nudged him with her elbow. He ruffled his bangs and blew out a stress-filled breath. "Yeah, we've been... having... sex."
Tara closed her eyes, mortified and yet relieved to have it out in the open.
"I see."
She opened her eyes and saw Pastor John's gaze flitting between her and Josiah.
"How long has this been going on?"
"It just started--"
"For years--"
Tara cringed. They couldn't even get their stories straight.
Their pastor's brows lifted and he asked, "So which one is it?"
Josiah reached for her hand and squeezed. His hand was sopping wet from his tears.
"It started back in high school, but then we broke up when I went to college. Then we started dating again and did good for awhile, but then we... um... fell back into old patterns."
"I see."
Tara found it ironic that he kept saying that he could see, because since she didn't get it herself, how could he possibly understand? Or maybe their pastor was stunned. It was pretty shocking to find out two young people you thought were doing well were sleeping together on the side.
"Have you been faithful to each other?"
"Yes--"
"No--"
His gaze darted between and his brows raised again.
Josiah sighed. "I haven't been with anyone else."
With tears in her eyes, Tara added, "Me either, but I did kiss a few other guys. I feel bad about that." She glanced at Josiah and mouthed, "I'm sorry."
He hugged her and whispered, "I've already forgiven you."
"But otherwise you've been faithful to each other?"
They both nodded.
"And you love each other?"
They nodded again. She felt like they were bobble heads.
"I'd tell you what you were doing was wrong, but you already know that. I have to say I'm really disappointed in you, Josiah. You know better.
"I know." Josiah cried softly. "I hate that I've done this."
Tara rested her head on his arm. "Don't beat yourself up, Josiah. We were both wrong. I did nothing but encourage you to fall."
Pastor John seemed pleased that they had both acknowledged responsibility for their behavior. With compassion in his eyes, he asked, "Do you need some material to study together? I have some booklets that will encourage you to stay strong while waiting for marriage."
They nodded in unison. Josiah added, "Sounds good. I need all the help I can get."
"So what's the bottom line? Did you come here to speak with me because you want help to overcome this sin, or did you want to ask me to marry you?"
"Both." Their answers were identical an
d spoken at the same time. No hesitation from either of them. That gave her immeasurable relief.
"How long do you think you can wait until the ceremony?"
Neither of them spoke. Josiah finally said, "Probably not long. I wish we could."
"Do you agree with this?"
She sighed. "Shorter is probably better."
"All right then. I want you to go get a license and we'll perform the ceremony next month just as soon as I get back from vacation. I have the second Saturday open, unless you want a simple ceremony in the church office before I leave on Friday?"
"No, we want to get married in the church and invite guests." Tara tapped her lip and thought for a moment. "I want to give people time to make plans so they can come."
Josiah's shoulders seemed to relax and he looked at Tara and said, "Yes. That's perfect."
She would be married to him today if she could, but she didn't want to rush through things. A woman only gets married once. Or at least that's how it should be.
"Do you think you can hold off and save yourselves now that you have a date?"
They nodded again.
"Is there anything I can do for you?"
Josiah cleared his throat. "Can we get marriage counseling from you and your wife?'
"I can meet on Mondays. Are you free in the evenings?"
Josiah looked at her. "Can you?"
"Yes. I'm free. I'll make it work."
"Great." Their pastor took their hands in his and prayed for them. When he finished, he stood and offered his hand to them again. "I'll see you on Monday."
As they walked hand in hand to the parking lot and headed for Josiah's vehicle, she felt joy bubbling inside her. She turned when they stopped by the car door and she peered into his eyes. "I'm so happy. Are you?"
The light in Josiah's eyes mirrored the excitement in her heart. "Yes, I am. I really am."
They leaned toward each other and shared a tender kiss.
He winked. "And now we wait. Something tells me it won't be as hard to do now that there is an end in sight."
She shivered. "I'm so excited."
Kissing her one more time, he cradled her face. "Me, too, honey. Me, too."
The Lonely Lady Page 15