Chapter Eighteen
Two weeks before their wedding, Tara woke up from a restless night and ran to the toilet, barely making it in time before she vomited. She hadn't felt well in several days, but this was the first time she'd actually thrown up. Since she had also missed her period, she was pretty sure she knew why she was so sick this morning. She dreaded finding out because she'd wanted to be married first, and then have a baby. It didn't look like things were going to happen in that order.
At least they were planning to marry anyway and not marrying because he'd gotten her pregnant. Now she just had to find a way to tell him. Hopefully he wouldn't be upset. They had avoided spending time alone together so they wouldn't be tempted, even though it was hard for them to not see each other every day.
Josiah had been busy getting the ranch in order, anyway, to see if it was feasible to start an equestrian therapy program. That made things a little easier. Now it looked like their mistake in not waiting for marriage to be intimate would also put a romantic damper on their honeymoon, but they only had themselves to blame.
She'd barely made it through the day because her nerves were such a wreck. Combined with the increased hormones, it just made things that much worse. When she took the pregnancy test that morning and it turned out positive, she'd started shaking. Then she had called Josiah and invited him over. All day she felt on the verge of barfing and she was barely holding on now because her nerves were shot.
Hair chemicals had never made her queasy before. Now pretty much everything made her queasy. She didn't dare try to eat her lunch because she was afraid she'd lose it, and now she was starving on top of everything else. Thankfully, Josiah had agreed to come over to her house for dinner that night, no questions asked. Soon she would get to tell him. Then the stress would be over. She hoped.
She nibbled on her cuticles as she waited for Josiah to arrive. Her mother stared at her as if she knew something was up, but of course her mother couldn't ask. At least not in a way that anyone would understand. Tara was getting better at deciphering her mother's garbled words, but still had days when she had no idea what her mom was trying to say.
At the last minute she'd decided to cook something mild like fettuccini alfredo. She didn't want to hurl until she had a chance to tell Josiah that they were going to have a baby. Just thinking about his reaction made her hands shake. Now she just wanted to get it over with.
His rap on the door made her jump. Finally.
She opened the door and he smiled, pulling her into his arms. "What did you want to tell me that couldn't be done over the phone?"
Waiting until he released her, she paused and looked in his eyes. He had no clue what she was going to tell him and suddenly she was terrified, so she blurted out, "I'm pregnant."
His eyes couldn't have gotten any wider. "You're serious?"
She frowned. "Why would I kid about something like that?"
"Wow." He ruffled his bangs. "I'm going to be a dad?"
So far he hadn't gotten upset. He was just stunned. It was big news.
"Yeah." Not sure if she should say anything more, she waited.
Josiah gazed at her stomach and touched it like it was the most fragile thing in the world. "There's a baby in there?"
For the first time since she found out, she felt tears of joy welling in her eyes. He was okay with it. "Yeah," she answered, her eyes wet.
Josiah's eyes shone with unshed tears. "God has blessed us in spite of our... struggles."
She nodded and she glanced at her mother, who now stared at her tummy and smiled. Her throat tightened with emotion as she saw the realization dawning in her mother's eyes.
"Baby," her mother said. While her word was slurred, it was clear what she'd said.
"Yes, Momma. I'm going to have a baby."
Her mother clapped her hands and said it again. "Ha-a-ave baby."
Josiah smiled and approached her mother. He said softly as he touched her shoulder, "You're going to be a grandmother."
Confusion shone on her face, but after a few moments, she seemed to forget whatever had made her brow wrinkle and she started giggling and saying baby over and over again.
Tara laughed and hugged her mom, then waved at Josiah to join them. They stood in a circle and held each other for several seconds, then broke apart.
A wave of dizziness washed over Tara and she swayed for a moment.
Josiah frowned and guided her to a chair. "When was the last time you'd eaten?"
"This morning. But I threw up right after I ate."
"That's not good. Here, I'll take care of everything."
He sat her down and dished up their meal. She nibbled on her food, and thankfully managed to keep it down. Josiah insisted on cleaning up the dishes and the kitchen while she got her mother undressed and ready for bed.
Her mother crawled under the sheets without a fuss and Tara returned to the living room to talk to Josiah for a few minutes before he went home. The look of wonder still shone on his face. He smiled and kissed her when she sat next to him on the couch.
"We're going to be parents."
"Yeah, we are. You scared?"
He gazed into her eyes and touched her face with the tips of his fingers. "Terrified. But I'm willing to do anything for you, Tara."
Her vision blurred as her eyes filled with tears. "What did I ever do to deserve a good man like you?"
Tipping his head down, he kissed the tears from her cheeks. "You have my heart. There is nothing you can do to keep me from loving you. And soon, you'll be my wife."
With a sultry smile, she bit her lip, and whispered, "Yeah, and I can hardly wait."
He held her for several moments, and then as if recognizing the potential danger, he leapt from the couch. "I better go now before I start kissing you and forget my manners."
She walked him to the door. "I can wait. We'll have plenty of time for that later."
His smile warmed her to her toes. "And I'll make sure you enjoy every minute of it."
*****
A few days later, Tara sensed something was wrong with her body. Thankfully, the nausea was gone, but she felt... different. She hadn't seen a doctor yet, to begin prenatal care and get an official due date. Her first appointment was scheduled for next week.
Since she'd never been pregnant before, she wasn't sure what to expect, but had heard that women sometimes experienced a little spotting. She wasn't worried that morning when she found a few brown spots in her underwear, not even when she felt a few minor cramps like she used to get with her period. She thought it was normal... until a sharp pain in her abdomen bowled her over and she held her breath to keep from crying out.
Gasping, she lunged for the counter next to her stylist's chair before sliding to the floor and curling into a fetal position. Had someone sliced into her side with a knife? The stabbing pain felt like she was being disemboweled.
Frieda returned from the restroom and shrieked when she saw Tara on the floor. "Honey, what's wrong?"
The pain was so intense she couldn't speak. All she could do was groan and clutch her stomach. Something told her that the baby was in danger, and the terror of losing what she'd just grown to love made her start sobbing until she couldn't catch her breath.
"I'll call your young man to bring you to the hospital. He'll get here quicker than an ambulance, anyway. All right?"
Tara grunted. The pain was so intense, she wanted to die for the first time in her life.
By the time Josiah arrived, it was obvious what was happening, and she started sobbing when she saw blood. Josiah turned pale as he carried her to his car.
On the way to the hospital she panicked and cried, "I don't have any insurance."
Josiah stared at her like she was crazy. "I'll pay for everything. How could you even think otherwise?"
"But we're not married yet. I didn't want to assume--"
"You think I would let you bleed and do nothing? His voice broke as he said, "this was my baby, too."
> Which, of course, made Tara cry harder. He was right. She had a strong sense of loss and the fact that he referred to their child in the past tense confirmed her worst fears. The baby was not going to make it.
First she'd been upset that she was pregnant, and now she was upset that she was losing their child. Life could change in an instant. Nothing was secure. But one thing bothered her most.
Why would God let this happen?
Chapter Nineteen
Josiah stayed with Tara as long as he could, but when the medical staff went to do the D&C, they asked him to leave. He figured she needed the privacy, and honestly, he needed to get out of there. Thankfully, she had seemed relieved that he wouldn't be there for that part of the procedure.
The terror in her voice and the anguish he'd heard in her tears had ripped his heart into a million pieces. He couldn't fix what was happening. Worse, he'd caused the problem to begin with. Why hadn't he tried harder to control himself? He knew he loved her, but seeing her in such agony made him realize just how much.
He had no idea that a miscarriage could be so painful in so many ways. The bright red blood seeping through her clothing was frightening enough, but the look in her eyes of utter devastation and loss made him wonder if she would eventually blame him, or worse, blame God, for what she was sure to mourn for the rest of her life.
Resting his head in his hands in the waiting area, he wept quietly, not wanting to attract any attention, but unable to hold his grief in for another minute. His next thought was whether or not they should postpone the wedding now because of the miscarriage. In ten days they were supposed to be wed and on their way to enjoy their brief honeymoon. Would she have recovered emotionally and physically enough by that time to enjoy her new marriage?
But if he suggested they postpone it, she might think he was no longer interested in marrying her. That couldn't be farther from the truth. He wasn't sure what to do, so he pulled out his cell phone and stepped outside to call his mother. She answered immediately, as if waiting by the phone for his call.
"Hi, Josiah. Do things look hopeful?"
"I wish." He sighed and rubbed his forehead. "I feel like a jerk for putting her through this kind of pain."
"Oh, son, it could happen at anytime. Even after you were married. Miscarriages are pretty common for first pregnancies."
"They may be common, but you should see the emotional wreck she is right now. It's all I can do to not start sobbing with her. This sucks!"
"I know, Honey. I wish I could help you."
"You can. I have a question and I need your honest opinion. Think like you are a woman, not my mother."
"That shouldn't be hard, since I am a woman. What kind of qualifier is that?"
He ignored the teasing tone and asked, "What would you think if dad was supposed to marry you and ten days before your wedding you miscarried me? Would you have been mad if he suggested delaying things to give you time to heal, or would you appreciate that? I don't want to mess this up."
"Are you thinking of postponing things?"
"Only if it will help Tara. If it makes her more upset then I won't say a thing. I just want what is best for her right now, and I don't know what to do."
"That's a tough call, son. If it were me and I was already feeling insecure about losing the child, I'd probably want to go ahead with the wedding, but I don't know about how Tara would feel. She might feel the opposite. What I do know is that women who miscarry tend to feel like failures for not being able to do something that women have been doing since the beginning of time. Since it's her first, she's probably worried she'll never be able to have a baby of her own. It's not true, of course, but women in grief don't usually have rational thoughts."
"I know. That's what I'm afraid of."
"I'll pray for God to give you wisdom, so you make the right decision, okay?"
"Thanks, Mom. Right now I can use all the prayers I can get. I don't feel like praying at all right now."
"I've been there."
"I'll call you soon, okay?" He wiped his wet cheeks, tired of crying, yet unable to stop the grief. He would've had a son or daughter, but now he had nothing but tears and heartache. If he felt this bad, he knew Tara had to be feeling much worse. It was her body that took the heaviest blow. She was the one who suffered the physical pain.
"So will you be home for dinner?"
"I'm not sure. Depends on how things go. I'll let you know when I find out."
"Sounds good. I love you, Son."
"Love you, too, Ma."
*****
Tara woke up and found Josiah sitting by her bed with his head resting on his arms. She nudged him gently. "Hey there."
Josiah's head snapped up and he rubbed his eyes and yawned. "Sorry, I must've fallen asleep waiting for you to wake up. So are you feeling a little better?"
"Right now I don't feel much of anything. Must be the painkillers."
"Must be."
An awkward silence ensued for several minutes. Tara squeaked out in a scratchy-from-sleep voice. "I'm sorry I lost our baby."
Josiah's eyes widened and he said quickly, "This wasn't your fault. It happens. I'm just sorry you had to go through so much pain. I would've done anything to stop it for you."
Tara smiled and gazed into Josiah's grief-stricken eyes. "I know. You're a good man, Josiah Reardon."
He avoided eye contact and muttered, "If I'd been a good man I wouldn't have gotten you into this situation to begin with."
She glanced at his hands, which were clenched, and her heart went out to him. "It was a mutual decision. We both wanted to make love, not just you. It takes two."
"I know, but I gave in too easily. I--"
"Don't blame yourself. Please. Blaming is not going to change a thing."
His eyes shone with tears. "So, you aren't blaming God for this?"
Her chest tightened. "Are you?"
Josiah shrugged. "Part of me wants to, but the other part knows it's a natural thing. It happens all the time. I just wish it hadn't happened to us."
He squeezed her hand affectionately and she barely restrained her tears. "Me, too."
"So what are we going to do now?"
Her blood ran cold. Was he going to delay getting married because of this? And what if he ended up deciding to delay it inevitably so he could marry a woman who could give him a child? What would she do?
Before she could answer, Josiah must've sensed her fear because he said, "I'm not trying to break up. I'm just worried that you will need some time to grieve and you won't have the chance if we keep things the way they are scheduled right now. I want to give you that option if you think it would help. So, do you think it will?"
Did she? No. She wanted to marry Josiah now more than ever. She wanted a chance to make things up to him and to try again to give him a child. He deserved at least that much. "I don't know. Let's see what the doctor says."
"Have you seen him yet today?"
She glanced at the clock. "Just this morning. He said he'd stop again around five. It's almost that time."
"Okay. We'll ask him. I'm sure he's had similar questions before."
Before she had a chance to say anything else, Dr. Devaughn entered the room.
"How are you feeling? Did you think about my suggestion to receive some counseling?"
"I have, doctor. This is my fiancé, Josiah. We're supposed to be getting married in less than two weeks."
The doctor shook Josiah's hand and offered his condolences.
Josiah frowned and asked him, "Do you think we should postpone the wedding now because Tara needs to take the time to heal from what happened?"
The doctor smiled at Josiah, then turned to Tara, and with his brows lifted, he asked, "What do you think?"
She wasn't sure how to answer that. She was curious about how long they would have to wait to have sex now that she'd had a D&C. "Will we have to wait long to have sex?"
Josiah actually gasped. "Tara. I don't care about that. I only car
e about you."
She ignored him. "Will we have to wait, doctor?"
He nodded. "I recommend a full thirty days to my patients."
Thirty days? That meant... "So we'll have to wait two and a half weeks after the wedding before we can... you know... consummate... um, our marriage?"
"I'm afraid so." The compassionate look in the doctor's eyes told her he'd definitely had this question come up before.
"Even if we use protection?"
"Yes. It's better to play it safe. Condoms sometimes fail and that would be a problem."
That made sense. Plus, they'd already had sex, so it wasn't like they would never do it again. Whatever Josiah decided, she'd go with. She'd made up her mind. Now it was up to him.
"What do you want?"
Josiah's face looked pained, like he didn't want to hurt her, so he wasn't sure what to say. She hoped to make it easier on him and just agree to whatever he decided, even if she didn't like it. He had to be feeling a lot of pressure.
"Come on, Josiah. I can handle it. What do you want?"
"I can wait." He touched her hand.
She noticed his fingers were trembling. He must be worried about what her reaction would be. Despite her desire to be strong, her heart twisted. He said he wanted to wait to marry her. That hurt more than she'd thought it would.
"Okay, then we'll wait to get married."
"No, that's not what I meant. I want to marry you, Tara, and nothing is going to change that. If you still want to get married that day I'm saying I can wait the three weeks to make our marriage real in every way. I just want to be with you all the time. I am tired of this separation."
Her eyes filled with happy tears. He wanted to wait for sex, not marriage. At that moment, she realized that was what she wanted, too. "Oh, Josiah, I'm so happy we're still getting married. We'll get pregnant again. I just know it. Right, doctor? That's what you said before I got the procedure."
"Everything went well. You'll be fine."
"Of course we will," Josiah murmured into her hair as he pulled her into a generous hug. He was careful to not squeeze her midsection, which she appreciated.
The Lonely Lady Page 16