Closing my eyes, I flattened myself against the cold stone wall beside the door and felt my heart pounding in my chest. I could hear moaning and the creaking and screeching of table and behind my eyelids I re-saw the event. I did not understand it, but something happened to me in that moment, as I saw in my mind his actions and her pleasure, something that quickened my breath and my heart.
It gave me much to think on, but it also sent me running for Kat.
After that experience, I avoided Thomas Seymour, for when in his presence, my eyes could not stop from wandering to his hands and seeing anew what those hands had done. Thankfully, several weeks later, Father sent the racy scoundrel away on a diplomatic mission to the Netherlands. I wondered if there was more to his reasoning than just the need to have someone act as a diplomat.
When I saw Katherine’s face I knew my suspicions were correct. It was in the smallest downturn of her round mouth as she gazed around the room, the slight wrinkle in her forehead when someone mentioned Sir Thomas’ name.
Father did not want to have another wife beheaded for treason, so, though it did Katherine harm, I was doubly glad of it, for Thomas felt dangerous to me. I wasn’t sure how to justify the strength of the feeling but in the pit of my stomach, I knew that he was to be avoided and feared.
Episode 7
July 1543
Hampton Court Palace, London
Finally, July and the wedding came. The chapel was simply decorated, a sharp contrast to Katherine’s jewel-encrusted dress of gold and crimson. These particular colors accentuated the paleness of her skin and thus were a favorite combination of hers.
Father waited on her procession patiently, a man completely at ease with the ceremony. Archbishop Cranmer was short in his words, and once he laid their hands together, there were giggles and murmurs of congratulations while the bride and groom walked among their guests. When all the religious had been said and done, a great celebration commenced.
I was in cream gauze with pearls intricately woven throughout the flowing folds. Accents of embroidered green satin climbed my sleeves, bodice, and forepart. I had tiny white flowers woven into my hair, which hung in loose golden curls to my waist, and as I walked through the crowd of people, I felt someone’s hands touching my hair. I turned to see who it was and almost jumped when I found Robert.
This was the first time I had seen him since I left him in April.
“Hold still my lady, you have a loose flower. I am attempting to situate it.” I turned back around and felt Robert’s other hand touch the satin at my arm as he held me still, working with the small flower. As he did so, he whispered in my ear, “I am so glad to see you, I am sorry for the way I left you at Ashridge. Will you forgive me and understand that it was just sorrow at your leaving that caused me to be so abrupt?”
I turned back to him after I felt his hand leave my hair. I understood why his goodbye had been cold and I did not hold it against him.
“Oh Robert, of course I could never stay mad with you for long.” The smile that filled his face was magnificent. With the word and the smile, the tension between us faded. “Although I would be even more apt to completely forgive you if you would whisk me away to the dancing area and show me how much you have missed me.”
I raised my eyebrow at him and wondered what he would do, but I did not have time to fully wonder for he took my hand and pulled me to where the music was loudest. Many of the lords and ladies were dancing and I instantly felt nervous, for as Robert deposited me in the line of women who were in the middle of the galliard, I noticed that my father and Katherine were sitting on a dais watching us all. Katherine’s sharp eyes found me and pointed Robert and me out to Father.
Not wanting to look as if I were seeking attention, I averted my eyes and smiled brightly at Robert as he moved around me. He smiled his best smile and I could tell he wanted to please me so that I would forgive him, and thus was going to be enthusiastic. Soon I forgot about Father. All I thought of was keeping my steps as beautifully executed as Robert’s were. It was exhilarating, and I forgot myself several times and laughed aloud with glee, lifting my skirts to have more freedom to move.
Robert laughed too. However, halfway through our second dance, he looked in the direction of the dais and frowned. I turned to see what the problem was and saw Robert’s father standing before the king, talking animatedly and pointing in our direction.
Father had a knowing grin on his face and he watched every move Robert and I made. I am not sure why, but right at that moment I blew him a kiss. I laughed and bowed slightly when he snatched it out of the air. He smiled widely at me and turned back to John Dudley. Robert stepped out of the dance as he watched the two of us, and when I was expecting his hand to twirl me, it was not there.
When I turned to him he said, “I think you might have just let your father think that you want to marry me.”
I felt the blood drain from my face. “What?” I exclaimed, and I looked back at Father, who was now speaking to John.
“Don’t look so scared. I told you this would happen. Father told me he would look for an opportunity to talk to the king tonight while he was in a good mood.” He took my hand and stood close enough that I could feel his breath on my cheek, but I did not take my eyes off of Father. “Why do you look scared? Do you fear you are not good enough for me? Let me assure you, my Lady, your lack of rank can be overlooked.”
My head swung around to face him with narrowed eyes, but his smile was so big and mischievous that I could not even pretend to be mad. To my everlasting shame, I laughed. This boy was going to think he could say anything he wanted around me, and it would not matter. My eyes went back to my father.
“In truth, Elizabeth, why do you look so?” Robert asked and turned me to face him. “It is as if I had just told you that you were to die within a fortnight. Whatever is the matter?”
I took his hand and looked into his eyes. “It is just that I was not…”
His eyes were so beautiful, so open. I saw in them hope and happiness at this prospect, and it was then that I knew he loved me more than any sister. He was so vulnerable, yet also so sure of me that I simply could not tell him I would never, never, marry—not even him, however I might like to.
He continued to wait patiently as I gathered myself, and finally I rallied my courage and put on a smile, simply saying, “It is nothing. I suppose I just was not expecting to be married off so young.”
“Nor I, but neither one of us has a choice, really. We are pawns that our families may use to gain prestige at their whim.” Robert sighed, walked me toward the dancing couples, and twirled me into the current set. “I will tell you this, my Queen. If I must marry, you are the only girl who would do the job properly. For I love you as a sister and admire you as my natural better and am awed by your wit regularly. You are the best companion I have ever had—and that’s saying something. Do you know how many siblings I have?”
I blinked at him and smiled half-heartedly at his jest. His speech was so pretty, I felt something stir in my heart. Or was that my heart just racing with out-of-control fear?
Robert went on. “I do think we would get along famously. I only hope I can challenge you enough to keep you happy.”
This speech made my heart completely stop and for a moment that felt like I had left reality and entered a world unknown, I saw myself, my life, my future with Robert. Hatfield and parties. Games of chess and books. Horseback rides at all hours, and smiles and laughter. Love and children.
Children.
The blood drained from my face. I saw Robert mount me the way Sir Seymour had mounted the maid, and the happy heart-racing twisted darkly. My insides swirled and roiled, and I felt ill. Cold and clammy and sick.
That could not happen.
I stopped dancing and looked into Robert’s face, his beautiful face was now warped with an animal grimace, full of lust and male power.
I shook my head. I did not want to think of Robert that way, but I now knew that
a beast resided inside of men, and Robert would soon have one, if he did not already.
He could tell something was amiss, so he said, “Do not be anxious, my Bessy. We will see what happen. These political moves can change direction quickly. Besides, we are still young. I do not think that the event will happen until you are at least sixteen and I seventeen.”
This caught me up short. So not only was I to be betrothed at the age of ten, but I would be forced to wait to be married for six years, knowing all along whom I must marry but not enjoying the benefits of a married person. That was not how I wanted to have it done if it was going to have to be done. And I felt the need to have the deed done now.
I shook my head again. I felt like my mind was jolting through feelings and determinations as a flat rock skips with velocity over the water. This was all too big. I knew that if I would marry, it would be Robert, but I truly had no intention of making those sacred promises. Can a person want two opposing things? I did. But I did want one side more than the other and I knew only one way to save myself.
Right then I did something I had not ever done before. I looked at my father, surrounded myself with the power of the moon, and I brought my hand to my mouth as if stifling a yawn. Into my light-filled hand I silently spoke the words I was desperate for Father to know and inconspicuously pushed the light toward him.
It flittered and flew and quickly reached his ear. He did not change his expression, but John left only a few moments later and Katherine looked at my father as if she were truly puzzled by what he had just said. I smiled to myself.
I did not want to be forced into a betrothal—not now, and perhaps not ever—and now, while in this room with my father, might be the only time I could do anything about it. Moreover, if my manipulation at some point wore off and I were forced into it, I absolutely did not want to be forced to wait.
I saw Thomas Seymour and the maid in my mind.
No, if I were going to do that thing, waiting and imagining would be a punishment I couldn’t bear.
I had used my power to induce Father to not make that choice for me and I was glad I did, for I did not see him for weeks afterward. Who knows how many chances John Dudley would have to talk privately with father and influence him.
I influenced Katherine to invite me to spend time with her so that I might keep my ear to the situation, so to speak.
One morning as we walked in the garden, I said as convincingly as possible—for I would not admit what a sinner I was— “I do not intend to marry young. I want to wait until I am older and can make the decision based on love and situation and not other inducements.” I hoped that I had gotten my point across, but I could not tell because Katherine just smiled at me in a humoring way.
I had called the power around me, preparing to sink the thought in a little more convincingly, when she said, “Yes, child, yet we all do as the king commands.”
This did not give me hope that I would win the battle.
She continued. “Surely you can see that he is in the best position to choose a husband for you and he knows when the proper time is. I myself followed my parents’ wishes and was betrothed and married at the age of twelve. Of course, I was a widow two years later, but I passed those two years happily and with a kind and loving man who, though he was much my senior, was able to educate me in the matters of marriage. On the other hand, there is benefit in marrying someone the same age as yourself. You grow together. You have all your firsts together. It can be magical.” She paused and looked as if she were reminiscing before going on. “Of course, this only is practical for those with wealth and high position, such as yourself. I believe you are extremely blessed that your father is considering a boy who is almost your same age—one with whom you are great friends.”
These words all but made my heart leap out of my chest. I absolutely saw the sense of what she was saying. Still it did not quiet the frightening possibilities and circumstances (possible death by childbirth being a chief concern) that arose simply because of my sex. I simply could not take my life into my hands.
I hoped I had done enough with Father to ensure that no agreement would be made and, if an agreement was made at some point, I could only promise copious amounts of kicking and screaming and wielding of power against any and all who tried to force me into matrimony.
Episode 8
July 1543
Hampton Court Palace, London
As July slowly passed by, Katherine included me in all her outings and invited me to stay long hours with her in her apartments. I was practically a lady-in-waiting. Every morning when I arrived she would have someone read the Bible to us for hours. She also spent a great deal of time at her prayer bench. I did not realize how religious she was until I sat day after day with her. It was refreshing in a way. She spoke of things that I had heard my whole life but that I was just recently beginning to understand and love.
She leaned very Protestant and I was sure that she was trying to influence me to think that way as well. However, as I listened there were things that I was not completely convinced about. I did not think that all one had to do was to claim Jesus as her Savior.
Perhaps I’d had too much Catholic education.
While I knew that nothing we did could possibly make up for the debt we owed Christ, I still thought that he expected a certain level of good behavior, and I was positive that good behavior brought good things into every person’s life. I could not help but read history that way.
Though there were those who were punished for standing up for their beliefs, I contemplated those who were not martyrs but everyday people. The majority of the populace who acted in an honest, Christlike manner, were the happier, more prosperous people.
The more I thought about it, the more certain I became, so Katherine and I had many animated and honest discussions about this facet of religion, and many others that I did not understand or agree with. She was obliging in her method of indoctrinating me and listened to me carefully, but she always came to the same conclusion: I was wrong. I was not a scholar or a priest, and I had not convinced her, nor had I made her think.
Soon, I was convinced that she was a highly stubborn soul, and somehow this made me like her even more. She did not just lie down and wallow in the dogma. She thought it all out, carefully made her choice, and stuck with it.
“It is just not so, Elizabeth. The holy word clearly states, ‘This do in remembrance of me.’ The bread and wine do not actually turn into the body and blood of Christ.”
“I know, Majesty. However, I believe that we are to think that they do, so that we will remember the price the Savior paid for our sins. It is a symbol, as so many of the scriptures are.”
“But you say the same things over and over again, and I say that you are wrong. Will you not be convinced?”
I sighed. “I will think more about it and perhaps tomorrow we can discuss it again.”
Then Katherine sighed too. “I always hate it when you say that, for I know you will come to me tomorrow with logic that will make my head spin, and passion that will knock me off my guard. I do not wish to fight with you anymore. Let us ask the priest.”
I laughed. “And I hate it when you say that. He only spouts the same words you use, for you learned your answers from him.”
She put her hands on her hips, anger in her face, but she held her tongue and a few moments later burst out laughing, “Your father was so right about you. I have never had so many spirited yet intellectual conversations in my life!”
I laughed with her. “I am glad that I amuse you.”
“You do, my child. You most certainly do.”
And we would always end with a great hug and kiss to the cheek.
It didn’t take long for me to realize how much I loved Katherine. And I was changed by my time with her. I spent more time than ever at my prayer bench and I think that even Mary was glad of it. She always assumed that I was a heathen because I did not conform to all her ways. But, I did not agree with Mary’s s
trict observance and highly judgmental attitude about everything non-religious. Then again, I did not think Katherine’s way was the complete answer either.
I felt strongly about being a good person, but I also felt that life was made to be joyful for the wonders and beauties of nature and the intimacy of friendships. There was much more to life, I felt, than contemplation and prayer, though I did feel that those things were an honored duty of the Christian person.
I soon discovered that this problem of religion was what stood between Katherine and Mary. But it would not stand so with us. By the time Father decided I was due to go back to the schoolroom, I had formed a true friendship with Katherine and was so glad to have found such a kindred soul in the Lady Queen.
August 1543
Hatfield House, Hertfordshire
Father changed his mind and sent Edward and me, along with Robert, Barnaby, Henry, Dr. Coxe, and John Cheke, to Hatfield, which of course delighted me. There were few places in England I enjoyed more than Hatfield. When we returned, though, things were different. My tutor, Dr. Grindal, had a bout with the plague and was thus sent away and I did not know when he would return. I had only studied under him a few short weeks and was eager to continue. Dr. Coxe, however, was an excellent tutor—for me, that is.
Edward had not come to court for the wedding, for Father was afraid that through the crowd he would catch some disease. Thus, the prince spent those many months with his tutors and without any of his friends but Barnaby, for their families had all attended the wedding.
When I saw Edward next, I was highly aggravated by his disposition. The expression on his face was grave and he did not have the smiles I expected and deserved as his favorite sister. I instantly began the task of livening him, but no matter how I tried, he would not be tempted, and by the time of his sixth birthday in October, all would call him the most sober youth they had laid eyes upon. I put the entirety of the blame on his tutors and Father’s fear for his health.
Elizabeth Tudor- Ancestry of Sorcery Page 14