Perhaps Edward did love me still, if this was his doing. This made my hopes heighten, for spring was not that far off and then Robert would be here. It was the first bit of goodness I had had in quite some time, though it did seem that Edward was purposely keeping me here in exile. A six-month punishment for kissing and flirting with a married man did seem rather harsh, I thought, but then I remembered Edward’s stinging letter and reconsidered.
I suppose my punishment was just.
The very next day my happy mood was dashed yet again as I received the shocking news that my dear stepmother, the dowager queen, Katherine Parr, was a week dead. She had died from childbirth fever. Even more horrid, the day after this dreadful news arrived, we received an unwanted visitor.
I was walking past the small sitting room adjacent to the door when I heard Sir Anthony speaking in a tone I had never before heard from his mouth. I stopped at the door to listen and was shocked when I heard another voice that I would recognize anywhere.
It was Thomas.
“You are not her guardian, sir, and I can see her if I choose. Now summon her this instant.” His voice was pompous and aggravated and instantly my mind found the memory of our last tryst. I began to breathe hard, like I was scared. My hands trembled, my head spun. Had the beast of lust I thought was slain returned? I did not know, but I did know that seeing Thomas was the last thing I wanted. Being near him would bring more pain than pleasure. Come to think on it, he really hadn’t brought me any pleasure, only the censure of those I loved and guilt and shame and a knowledge of how not to use my power.
I heard words then that raced a tendril of dread up my back.
“I mean to have her as my wife, now that Katherine is dead. I went to the king this very day and put before him my suit. I have heard the most ghastly rumors, including one that she is pregnant with my child. Of course, they are all false—you yourself could testify to the fact—but I cannot help thinking how everything would be cleared up with our marriage. Besides, I love the girl. I cannot help myself. I do.”
I was in shock. This statement completely knocked me off balance. Thomas loved me? Could it be possible that this rogue of a man had finally found someone to calm him, and that woman was me? No, no that was not possible. The prospect of being his wife would be the absolute worst thing I could think of. How could I stop it from happening?
I had to think. I needed time to consider. To come up with a plan. I raced out of the house and to a small patch of trees near the road where a small stone bench nestled down in the bushes and where I could not be seen from the house.
The strangest thing filled my mind as I ran: Robert’s face. His glorious, sunlit face. What would he think if I was forced to marry Thomas?
I flung that idea right out of my head, but part of it lingered, saying, Robert would be devastated. Why? Why should Robert care whom I marry, I asked the part of myself that seemed wiser than anything. Because, it answered, Robert is the one that truly loves you.
The idea didn’t shock me, but I’d never allowed myself to think on it. Now that I had two loves to compare, I could see that Thomas had said he loved me, and as soon as he was free he came to me and wanted to ask me for my hand. But what had he done while he was married to another woman who thought he loved her? What had he done in court? I recalled how he’d worn me down and pressured me. That did not feel like love.
Robert loves you, my mind said again, and this time I repeated the words aloud: “Robert loves me.” And then my mind was filled with flashes of Robert. I saw the smile on his face when he let me win a game of chess. The concentration he displayed when discussing our Lord. The freedom in his body when he rode his horse alongside me. The mischievous look in his eye when he flattered me. The truth his voice held as he spoke of caring for me, and the conscientious way he considered me. The quiet way he listened to me.
Then there was his beauty and the way he made my body feel. Loved and happy, yes, yet still there was desire. I only wanted to be with him, to touch his perfect face, to kiss him tenderly.
I thought of all the times he had been there for me, in school, in play, when I was sad, when I was happy. How loyal he was. I never had to use my power on him because he was always on my side.
I cared so much for Robert, if he was happy or sad. I cared if he thought badly of me. I thought of him always and missed him when he was gone.
Tears ran down my cheeks for I now knew that he was not the only one in love. I was in love with Robert. I had been all along.
And these feelings were nothing like what I’d felt with Thomas. No, I wanted Robert in the right way, the way that would insure happiness between two people for the span of a lifetime. I was not desperate at all; I was peaceful and blissful. I knew that if Robert asked me to marry him in that moment, I would have gladly said yes. If he asked me to bear him children, I would have cheerfully done it. I loved him more than I feared anything, and I would do all I could to make him happy. I smiled to myself through my tears, for what else could I do? I had found the one person I would love forever, and not only was he my best friend, but he had returned my love long before I was wise enough to see it.
No longer could Thomas hold sway in my heart—if I had ever had a place for him there. He did not love me. He wanted me, and though he’d wanted me before I’d manipulated him, the intensity of his ardor had to be a result of my trifling with his emotions. I wondered now if I could undo what I had done?
This brought my mind to an equally hard subject. I’d scarcely let myself think of how culpable I was in all of this. It was too painful, too shameful to think of it. I did not, while under Thomas’s spell, want to admit that he’d not been as affected by me as I was by him. Now that I had my heart and mind in its proper place, I looked upon my actions with abhorrence and I looked upon my feelings with mystification. I would never be fooled by lust masquerading as love again. I knew the difference now.
I did realize that without this experience I might never had understood myself or this vein of my power, so my regret was tinged with scientific justification. And it had brought about something wonderful. Realization that I loved Robert Dudley.
I wanted to sing it to the world.
And I think the world would be happy for me.
I did not see Thomas before he left. I wanted to at least get close to him, so I could try to undo my spell over him, but Kat and Denny made sure that was impossible.
Still in pursuit of marriage, Thomas immediately began writing Sir Thomas Parry, my cofferer, for details of my estates and inheritance. He was most confident that I would be happy to marry him and wrote a few lines to me stating his intentions.
My dearest Rosebud,
* * *
Though the last months have been difficult, I admit the only thing positive in all these circumstances is that I will finally be able to make you mine. I know how desperately we both want it to be so, thus I will start the process of gaining your hand as soon as humanly possible.
* * *
With undying love,
* * *
Admiral Thomas Seymour
1st Baron Seymour of Sudeley
Loyal servant to the King
To this I did not reply. Kat was confused by the letter and my reaction, but settled that it would not be so bad to be married to the Admiral, and soon was convinced that I should go through with it, if only to mend my reputation. Kat was beguiled by Thomas. I understood the allure.
So I kept my tongue and my peace. I would save it for the chance of coming face to face with the despicable man. I felt I had worked out a way to undo what I had done and hoped I had the chance to make it right. It was interesting to know how long my influence lasted though.
And more interesting to me was how in the world my mother lost control of my father. It didn’t seem possible. The regret I felt began to tax me. And I lay awake nights wondering if I could release Thomas from the bond.
I received a letter at least once a week from him, as well did Th
omas Parry. Each letter to me professed his love and asked why I had not written back. Each letter to Master Parry asked of my fortune and how best to blend the two, his and mine. Of course, he was very concerned with that facet.
Princess Elizabeth,
* * *
It distresses me that I have not heard from you, I wonder if you are receiving my letters. All I can say is that I long to see you and touch you. Every feeling demands that I will do both soon for it is the dearest wish of my heart to be with you forever. Think back on our times together and I know that you will also realize how you long to be with me. Please send my man with a reply, for I long to see your words on paper.
* * *
Yours etc.
After this letter, Kat insisted that I write the man back, for the courier said he was directed not to leave without a reply.
Dear Admiral,
* * *
Thank you for your letters and I hope that you are in good health. It seems as if you know my heart better than I. Though your proposals flatter me, I fear I cannot do any such thing without the permission of the council and the king.
* * *
Also, if you might oblige, kindly quell some of the rumors about us, for you know most have not a scrap of truth.
* * *
Sincerely,
Elizabeth
The rumor that I was pregnant with Thomas’ child was most disconcerting and I wanted it stopped more than anything. Again, I wished there was some way I could use my power on many minds a great distance from me. It just would not be so. Therefore, I had to do what I could the usual way, and so I asked my companions if they would help me. Sir Anthony, Kat, and I each wrote to the king and to the Lord Protector, Edward Seymour, who was Thomas’ brother, pleading with them to stop the gossip. However, weeks went by and they did nothing that we could tell of.
Kat and I thought for certain that Thomas would have talked to the council by now, but when communication between him and Thomas Parry continued through October and November, I began to wonder.
Then in the last week of November, I received two letters, one from Thomas and the other from Robert. This was the first I had heard from Robert since I decided that I was in love with him and I could not believe the excitement I felt while opening it.
My Princess and dearest Elizabeth,
* * *
I hope you are well and happy. I also hope that all your family is in good health. I miss you terribly and hope that I still hold a place in your heart.
* * *
I have some news from Father that is highly alarming. The Admiral has not asked the king for your hand, for the king has put it about that he would not sanction such a union, that you are in exile and will remain so until he is convinced you have been properly chastened.
* * *
However, Father has uncovered a plot orchestrated by Admiral Seymour himself. He plans to wed you and to wed the king to Lady Jane Grey. He will then have authority over us all and he is prepared not only to take down his own brother but to kidnap the king in order to bring to pass his plans.
* * *
Father is taking measures to see that this does not happen, and indeed I will say if things go as we all hope he will have done you and the king a great service indeed.
* * *
Do not show anyone this note and please burn it when you have read it all.
* * *
I hope that I will see you soon, and again that you are well and in better humor than your situation dictates.
* * *
Yours,
Robin
What was Thomas thinking? Kidnapping the king and forcing him to marry when he was but ten? I suppose it was not completely unheard of, but Thomas doing it? The man must be mad. At that point I opened the other letter.
My dear sweet Rosebud,
* * *
I hope to taste of your sweetness in a very short time. I have a plan to get all done and settled in a very pleasing manner. You will be so proud to be my wife and we will have the power to squash any rumors that fly about us.
* * *
Remember what you said to me when we were last together? Those words repeat in my mind and spur me forward. It is for you that I become brave. It is for you that I stretch myself to greater heights.
* * *
Your loving,
Admiral
The man was certainly audacious. I could not believe him laying at my feet the responsibility of his actions. I was not the cause for any of it.
And then I thought of the way in which I had used my power on him.
Now that Katherine was out of his life, he had no more distractions and he could give himself wholly to my manipulation without even knowing that was what he was doing. Fear froze my bones. What if I was responsible? I tossed the parchment into the fire and set myself down to writing him a carefully worded letter.
Dear Admiral,
* * *
I hope that you are in good health. You must know that I will not do anything without the approval of the council, for our innocent foolishness has brought shame upon both our heads and I do not intend to repeat that shame or worsen it. I only wish to be a loyal subject. I hope that you will consider all you do carefully and not do anything out of the ordinary or anything that might put your person in danger.
* * *
I love my brother the king, and hope he is well. Since you have occasion to see him and I do not, I hope that you would consider yourself one that would keep him happy and safe, as a good uncle would. He does deserve to have all good things for he is such a good boy. Your brother has done an excellent job in protecting him from anyone that would lead him astray. I commend his good work and hope he would prosecute anyone in defiance of this protection.
* * *
Elizabeth
That would have to do, for I could not say more. I only hoped that he would get my meaning. Why, oh why, couldn’t I send my manipulations with my word in ink. This would all be over if I could.
That night, I dreamt that I was before a livid Mary, her skin all white and sickly, and her hair loose and stringy. The signet ring of Princes encircled her first finger. She was queen. She yelled madly at me and I cowered in ashamed tears as she listed my sins, highlighting the long past debacle with Thomas Seymour.
I knelt and begged her to forgive me as I kissed her ring, pledging fealty to her and the crown.
I awoke knowing that one day that exact situation would be upon me, and if I did not act in that exact way, I would die. I shivered and gathered my sweaty sheets around me as I repeated the dream to myself and considered the implications this foretelling had for Edward.
I received many more love letters from Thomas before Christmas, each one more vile than the previous, yet none of them mentioned my warnings. Then in January, I received a very short note from Robert.
Elizabeth,
* * *
Watch, my friend, and be wary. Things are afoot that could do you harm. I miss you.
* * *
With concern,
Robin
His words left me feeling cold inside. My life had changed by the events that involved Thomas. I could feel the mood of those around me. I had hoped that no one else would be affected by the strange madness that had taken control of my body while living in my stepmother’s house, but harm had been done and I felt that I would pay even more for my uncontrolled lust one way or another.
Episode 9
February 1549
Hatfield House, Hertfordshire
As I feared, Thomas either did not understand or he did not heed me, for in January, Robert's father, John Dudley, had gained enough support to imprison Thomas in the Tower and begin a trial, the charges being thus: embezzlement, theft, and treason.
I was told that my brother testified to the correctness of the charges and my world began to spin out of control.
Thomas’s plot to marry me and kidnap the king was soon made known, and Kat and Thomas Parry were them
selves detained by Sir Anthony Denny, Kat’s own brother-in-law and our host. Of course, he was pushed into the situation when several armed men came knocking at his door. These rough men were sent to learn of my involvement in the plot, and taking Kat and Master Parry were their way of getting to the information.
New rumors were heard daily by the servants and read in letter and pamphlet form. I was in league with Thomas. I was trying to usurp the throne. I was with child. I murdered Katherine. I was evil. I was my mother’s daughter. This last made me angrier than the others.
Elizabeth Tudor- Ancestry of Sorcery Page 23