The Billionaire Lesbian

by Jessi Loveless

  "That's enough doom and gloom for one day." I finally say. I tuck her hair behind her ear. "Thank you for everything you did for me today. You've shown me that you've got my back. I have yours. You need to know that."

  Her lips curve into a smile then she stands on her tiptoes to place a kiss on my mouth. Her taste drowns me, and for the slightest, liberating moment, I forget about everything. The kiss is too quick, though, and when she starts to pull away, I cup the back of her neck and pull her right back to me, refusing to let her go, wanting to feel the calmness inside me just a little bit longer.

  She doesn't protest as I slide my tongue deep inside her mouth, exploring every inch of it as I grasp onto her hips, gripping her sides. She clutches onto me tightly too, our bodies aligning It's one of those easy moments with her that I look forward to and I wish I could stay in forever. But for some reason I have a feeling life will move on. To a future where I wish I knew what the hell is going to happen.

  Chapter 22

  Haley's point of view.

  We move most of my stuff to my house the weekend after Jessica bought it. We get almost everything moved in one day with the help of Jessica's brothers, and by the time we are finished there's boxes everywhere and I'm exhausted. I lay on my bed next to Jessica who is going through notes for a meeting she has coming up, so I pull my phone out and start going through messages from my mother, she wants to meet Jessica and I'm not sure I'm ready for that.

  I only read a few before Jessica grabs it out of my hand and hides it behind her back.

  "Hey!" I get to my knees and try to get it back.

  "Enough." She says holding it out of reach. "You have to get up too early to be doing this right now."

  "Come on, give it back. I need it." I make several unsuccessful attempts to get it, and she laughs.

  "You don't. You need to relax, I can see it on your face. Don't make me tie you up."

  Sighing, I sit back on my heels.

  "Very funny."

  "You're fucking adorable when you pretend to be angry with me." She sets my phone on the nightstand and tackles me throwing me onto my back.

  I grapple with her but laugh as she pins my wrists to the bed near my shoulders.

  "Not a fair fight at all." I say.

  "Nope." She kisses me, her lips and tongue a soft contrast to the hard strength of her hands cuffing my wrists.

  She lets go of my hands and looks down at me, we stay there a moment, eyes locked on each other, The light, playful mood of a moment ago is gone, something heavier in its place. I thread my hands into her hair, staring with wondrous disbelief at this woman who is so beautiful, so smart, so strong, and yet still retains that sadness in her eyes, that lingering fear. My heart start to pound so hard, it echoes in my head. I don't even try to stop the words as they come tumbling out.

  "I'm so in love with you." I whisper. My eyes tear up, although it makes me happy to tell her, I want her to know.

  She squeezes me tight, and I see the fear on her face before she buries her face in my neck.

  "I can't remember what it feels like not to ache for you. Not to yearn for you."

  The words she uses to describe her feelings brakes my heart. "You don't have to ache or yearn. I'm here." I cover her forehead in kisses, pulling her head back to force her to look at me. "I'm here, and I'm not leaving."

  "You will." She says that inexplicable sadness in her eyes. "You should."

  I kiss her before she hides her face in my chest, and when a small sob makes her shoulders twitch, my throat squeezes tight. Why is she so convinced Ill leave her? Is it because no one has been understanding enough in the past? Has no one tried hard enough to break down her walls? Will she shut me out now, retreat into isolation to protect herself?

  I run my hands over her shoulders, down her back, pressing kisses to the top of her head. "I won't leave you, I promise."

  "Don't make that promise. You'll regret it."

  "No, I won't. What is this? What's wrong?"

  "Fuck. Sorry." She quickly wipes at her eyes.

  "Jessica. Talk to me."

  "It's nothing. I guess I just didn't realize I was holding in a lot of tension."

  She focuses on moving off of me, and the moment she does I sit up and bring my legs together.

  "You're closing yourself off from me, right after I tell you I love you."

  "I'm not." She says this without even glancing at me.

  "You are. Why? She's silent for a second, staring at the ceiling and I recognize the stubborn set of her jaw. She's not going to talk.

  "Fine. Be stubborn." I say, and instead of engaging in an argument I roll over and turn off the lap, fighting back tears as I lay there.

  This is her. This is what ill have to deal with every time this relationship hits a milestone that freaks her out.

  Jessica's point of view.

  See what it could be like? See what you can't have? See what you'll ruin?

  I hear my fathers voice in my head, and I squeeze my eyes shut.

  I feel Haley shift beside me, and I lock my fingers together, refusing to let myself touch her the way I want to. I want nothing more than to hold her, but I can't. She doesn't say anything, she's lost in her own thoughts, drowning in some sort of internal agony that makes me feel guilty since I probably put it there. I want to say something to her, tell her I'm sorry I'm so broken and that I'll try to fix myself. But I can't find the words, not knowing where they exist, so instead I close my eyes. I Inhale and exhale and try desperately not to think about how this could end.

  In the morning, I awake first, facing away from her, I slid out of bed and pull on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt, and leave Haley house. I drive to Frankie's he's the only one who can help me figure this out.

  "I slept with Haley." I announce as soon as I slump against the back of his couch.

  Frankie, who hasn't even sat down yet, looks a little taken aback at my choice of openers, but recovers quickly, lowering himself into his chair.

  "It went well, I take it." Frankie tone is amused.

  "Yeah." I frown. "Too well."

  "How so?"

  "I realized something when we...You know." I stare at my jeans, while I try to figure out how to say this there an older pair that have been washed so many times the denim has faded to that blue color I love.

  He keeps a straight face. "Go on."

  "I love her, but I can't get over this…I don't know. Wanting."

  "Wanting for what?"

  "To be someone else."

  To be the kind of person who can touch her every day without fear. To be the kind of person whose mind doesn't convince her of things her heart knows isn't true.

  "To be different."

  He lifts his shoulders. "Haley already likes who you are."

  "I know." I sigh, closing my eyes for a second.

  "So why do you want to be someone else?"

  "I want to be someone that can make her happy." I cross my arms in frustration, hands fisted. "And I can't because I'm not right for her. She deserves better, or at least normal, and she'll realize that fast. She's smart."

  "So let her make that decision. There's no reason you have to."

  "Yes there is." I say, annoyed with him. "My entire being is the reason. All the shit in my head. Whenever I sense myself letting my guard down, I retreat into myself and push her away. But I have to, because I know how this ends."

  Frankie's brow furrows. "I'm not sure I understand. You've been with her for months now, and all this is just now bothering you?"

  I hesitate. Some part of me doesn't want to admit to Frankie that I am scared for my own sake, that if I am unable to make it work losing her would destroy me.

  I drop my gaze to my legs again. "I don't know how to make it work, and now there's feelings involved, and I don't want her to get hurt. Eventually she will, and she'll leave me."

  "And then you'll be alone again. Probably forever." He says, fully understanding what I'm not telling him.

&n
bsp; "Exactly."

  "Because you're a horrible person who doesn't deserve to be happy."

  I nod. He knows me way to well Its aggravating as fuck.

  "Bullshit, Jessica."

  "Huh?"

  He shrugs. "Bullshit. If you truly believed you're a horrible person, you wouldn't be here talking about her. You'd have given up already and holed up somewhere to be alone and miserable for the rest of your life. And you do know how to make it work, you're just scared."

  I swallow, unsure if I should tell Frankie to fuck off or keep talking.

  "The truth is, you're letting fear from the past poison the potential of this relationship." He leans forward, knees on his elbows. "But you have to be willing to try, Jessica. You have to be willing to fail. And that takes guts."

  My arms uncross. Is he calling me a coward? "I have guts." I say defensively. "I'm just trying to think things though. Frankie, Haley is…special to me. She's different." I take a breath. "She's perfect."

  Frankie shakes his head. "Nobody's perfect. Not her, not you, not me…I don't even think this is all stemming from your past. Mostly, I think this is just you scared to let yourself be emotionally vulnerable to a woman you care about." He smiles wryly. "Oldest story in the book."

  During the drive back to Haley's house I think about what Frankie said. Is he right? Is it plain old fear rather than my past getting in the way of making this work? How would he know, anyway? He doesn't hear that voice in my head that makes me doubt everything. God, what I wouldn't give for some fucking conviction about something.

  I know I don't want to be closed off and miserable for the rest of my life. Maybe I thought I could be alone, but that was before Haley showed me what it was like to be with her. And it isn't sexual...well, it is a little, but its also emotional. She makes me want to be more open. She makes me want to chase away the demons that live inside me. She makes me want to change the way I live my life. She makes me want to deserve her, or at least try. All I can do is try.

  When I get back Haley's she's still asleep and the sun is coming in through the window, and I smile at the way it falls across her features. And I wonder If this can work. A huge part of me hopes that just maybe Haley can be the one person who is strong enough, sweet enough, forgiving enough to help me make this work. The thought is both terrifying and beautiful.

  Her phone buzzes on the night stand and I pick it up. It's a text messages from her mother asking about dinner.

  I send a simple text back hoping Haley doesn't get pissed that I agreed to dinner with her mother.

  Haley begins to stir and I set her phone back on the night stand, and climb back into her bed and let myself hold her the way I wanted to last night. I know we should be getting ready for work but at this moment I don't care.

  Don't be fucking melodramatic, snaps my fathers voice. You think the things she said to you were real? Its a fucking game. I stroke her hair, trying to ignore my fathers voice that tries to fill my head with punishing dread, I try to fill it with with the scent of her skin, the softness of her breath, the weight of her head on my chest.

  I know she's awake, and after a few minutes she lift her head and looks at me. I see her worried expression, and I know this time I can try to make it better.

  "Jessica I..." She begins but I cut her off, by rolling her over and covering her mouth with my hand, silencing her.

  Then I position my hands so her face is trapped between them, and I'm glad its not dark and I can see my favorite part about her, her eyes. They're a mirror to her emotions and I love being able to see what she's feeling whenever I look into them.

  "From the moment I saw you, I knew you could undo me, because you make me feel things Haley." I hope she gets the full extent of what I'm trying to say. "When I'm around you, whether it's good or bad...I feel everything. Sometimes, I don't handle it too well, and I fight it by acting like an asshole, but I feel like you see the real me, and it's scary as fuck because I don't think I'm good enough for you, I don't deserve your love. Maybe it's my past, maybe I'm just difficult, I have no fucking clue. But I know you're going to have to give me many chances to make this work, and I might not deserve all of those chances you'll have to give me."

  She's quiet for what feels like an eternity, after I spill my guts to her. The soft sound of her breathing fills the silence between us. She nods and smiles, as if she's having a conversation with herself.

  "I love you, Jessica. And I'm going to keep saying it, because you deserve to know and you deserve to be loved." She takes my face in her hands. "And I'll give you those chances, if that makes me a fool, well…" She smiles. "At least I'll be your fool."

  I lean in and kiss her, taking my time, savoring the feel of her lips. I take her hand and hold onto to it for a thousand different reasons, to touch her, to feel comforted, to keep on living, and breathing.

  Chapter 23

  Jessica's point of view.

  "I hate this." Haley complains to me later that night as I open the door for her. We are at a hotel, a stuffy one, and the clientele is beautifully dressed.

  "The concept of me meeting your family? Or dinner itself?" I ask.

  She gives me her I'm irritated with you look and I laugh and grab her hand.

  "It's just two hours, and there's alcohol." I remind her, trying to be upbeat about meeting her family.

  I take in the restaurant, its wall to wall fancy people. A waspy looking woman is sitting next to Arthur isles

  She is wearing a classic Chanel pink suit and a string of pearls.

  "Is that your mom?" I ask through the fake smile I have plastered on.

  "Yeah."

  "She's petrifying." I say.

  "Absolutely." Haley says.

  "There's stupid Cara, my cousin." She points to a Mrs. Isles Jr. except that her teeth are a little horsey, and when she laughs, her bony shoulders shake aggressively.

  "Why do you hate her so much? She looks nice." I say, actually she looks exhausting, her laser like ice blue stare pierces every person who comes within range.

  "You'll see what I mean, when you meet her."

  "Well, let's go meet the firing squad." I pull her towards the table.

  Mrs. Isles stands as we approach the table.

  "Haley." she says, reaching out and giving her a hug, careful not to get makeup on Haley dress.

  "Mother." She says, and then pulls me forwards. "This is Jessica Roven."

  "Mrs. Isles." I say, holding out my hand to her.

  She doesn't take my hand. Instead, she looks me up and down, and looks back at Haley. "Very nice, Haley. Very nice."

  Then she turns back to me, I can almost hear her buzzing, a bundle of sharp edges, nerves, and plans.

  She finally takes my hand. "It's a pleasure to finally meet you, Jessica." she says. "It's lovely to see that you not only exist, but that you aren't designed to embarrass her family."

  I look at her, shocked and wondering what she means by that. I shake her hand limply. I note that my plastered on smile is intact. If her cousin is this bad, I am going to need a steady supply of alcohol to keep it in place.

  I release her hand.

  "Mother." Haley says, her voice laced with anger.

  Mrs. Isles stops inspecting me and turns to Haley with a glare. It must be the way she normally looks at her, her face relaxes into it. I'm starting to get really pissed at Mrs. Isles.

  I squeeze Haley's hand. I can handle this woman.

  Before I can say anything Cara Haley's cousin holds out her hand I take it warily. "It's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Cara." She says.

  "Jessica Roven, I've heard a lot about you."

  Cara laughs so hard she almost spits out her drink, and then she looks at Haley.

  "She's a keeper. Loyal and a pretty decent liar."

  She gives me a smile and turns her laser like eyes to back to Haley. I can see why Haley doesn't like her cousin.

  She fakes smiles at Haley, and her collarbones move up and down when she shrugs. "I see
congratulations are in order."

  "For what?" Haley asks, clearly confused.

  "For landing her." Cara

  says, looking back at me her laser like stare looks as if it is micro analyzing my every pore.

  I might have imagined it, but Haley seems to shift uncomfortably next to me.

  "She landed me." Haley says, grinning back at Cara.

  Haley pulls me closer. I smile and shrug.

  Arthur swoops in to rescue us. Pleasant conversation is made between us, as we finally take our seats and I wonder how he got caught up with this family.

  I order a double when the waiter comes by and Haley orders a martini. I feel her mother's eyes on us, and I worry that Haley will hand it off to me and I wont be able to balance it while running away from her scary mother.

  Haley takes a big sip of her martini when it arrives and grabs my hand again.

  Platters of delicious looking appetizers, finger sandwiches, and cookies are brought to us, and my stomach growls. Haley grabs a plate of crab cake appetizers.

  "Eat." She says, and feeds me a forkful. "You need to keep yourself fortified against the alcohol."

  I find crab disgusting, something akin to what I imagine cat food tastes like. But I don't say a word. I watch her as I chew.

  She feeds me another bite, and then leans in to me.

  "It's nice to have an ally." She whispers and smiles up at me.

  I finish my drink and immediately wish I had another. I don't understand this family.

  Haley leaves to go to the restroom and leaves me with her family for a few minutes and Mrs. Isles pats the empty chair next to her and Cara, and motions for me to join them, I obey. Of course I obey I'm not about to argue with her. I sit down next to her, careful not to get too close.

  "We haven't had much time to talk." Mrs. Isles says.

  "I know." I say. Thank God, I think to myself.

  "Tell me about your family. Haley mentioned that you're from Boston."

  "I'm afraid my family wont be that interesting to you. Very middle class. Very boring and under the radar, unlike your family."