The Billionaire Lesbian

by Jessi Loveless

  "You should know, Ms Roven, it's best to keep the press happy. You never know what could be in the papers tomorrow."

  I start to turn around to confront him, but Harrison grabs my arm.

  "Dont." He says, and I nod. I know confronting him will only make things worse.

  When we step on the elevator, Haley squeezes my hand and gives me a reassuring smile, and I hope with everything I have that she's back to normal.

  When I get to my floor Susan is waiting on me with some papers and a coffee. I take the papers and coffee from her and she follows me into my office.

  "Tara and Bobby from you Lexington branch are waiting in the conference room.:

  "Alright." I say in acknowledgment, and she leaves.

  I look over the papers she gave me from Tara, and pull out a resume and leave my office for the conference room.

  I shake their hands, and take a seat at the head of the table.

  "We have an issue with our marketing manager. His health's taken a hit and he's taking a break." Tara says, getting right down to business.

  "You mean he's not coming back." I say, eyeing the woman with a mixture of curiosity and slight contempt. I hate when people beat around the bush.

  "No. He said he needed to take a step back. We had to let him go." Tara says, her eyes downcast. Bobby shakes his head as if the whole thing has been inevitable.

  "And you want me to find someone to take his place?" I ask.

  "Leigh Bellamy, has offered to step in for the time being. She's doing a good job of keeping things going, so we've put her on trial for a week."

  I frown. "Don't you think Ms. Bellamy is going to be upset if i bring in competition? If she already knows her way around…" I falter at the pinch smile that stretches Tara's mouth.

  "We just fell she might not be ready to take on such a big responsibility." Says Bobby. "It might be too much for her to handle.

  "Exactly." Tara says, cutting in.

  I have the distinct impression that she is the one calling all the shots here. Bobby doesn't seem to mind. He smiles at me and lets Tara resume.

  "We're giving her the opportunity to prove herself, but we'd like to explore other options."

  I tap the resume, which lay on the table between us. Bobby glances at it and nods.

  "Ms. Isles originally applied for this position, and I think she should get an opportunity."

  Tara and Bobby both nod in sync.

  I leave the conference room soon after, and have Susan call Haley up.

  I go into my office while Tara and Bobby speak to Haley.

  Haley comes into my office not not afterwards.

  "You could have given me some kind of warning." She says, as she sits in the chair on the other side of my desk.

  "Sorry, it just kind of happened." I say, not looking up from my work.

  "I can't do it."

  I lift my gaze from the papers in front of me, and put my pen down.

  "Why not? This is what you wanted in the beginning."

  "It's just...Right now it's not a good idea."

  I see the worry etched across her face, and I stand from my seat and walk around the desk to take the seat next to her.

  "Haley, what's wrong?"

  She turns her face to the side and swallows.

  "Look at me, Haley. Don't ever be afraid to look me in the eyes." I wait until she turns her head and meets my gaze. "You don't have to take this position if you don't want to." I say, purposefully keeping my voice light and my face bright. "But I need you to tell me whats going on with you."

  The fearful look on her face won't do at all, but I don't know how to make it go away.

  "I...I"m pregnant…" She finally says.

  Fucking hell. I wanted to know what's wrong and here it is. Of all the things I have been imagining, this is the one thing that never came to mind. No wonder she's been distant. And here she is, staring at me with her chest heaving, lips quivering, waiting for me to reply.

  "If you want me to go…"She starts to stand, her voice catching in her throat.

  "No. I most definitely do not want you to go." I take her hands and pull her back into her chair where she perches rigidly for only a second before she melts into it.

  "I'm sorry." She says.

  "Why?"

  "For...This."

  She drops her eyes.

  "Haley, look at me." I urge again. I put my finger to her chin and lift her face. "You have nothing to apologize for.

  "Promise?" She whispers.

  "Promise." I shift a little, freeing an arm to grab my phone, doing my best to look casual, even though I'm fucking terrified inside.

  "Let's go home." I say.

  Chapter 27

  Jessica's point of view.

  Nothing is said between us on the drive back to her house, or for the next few hours. I let myself start to fantasize about the baby, but the more I think about it, the more fragile she seems in my eyes, and the less I feel I am good enough for her. Fear, guilt, and shame tortures me, and the more I think about it, the worse I feel in my skin.

  I sit on the couch next to her and worry with an intensity like pain. I'm afraid a baby isn't what she wants from me. I should be the one apologizing it was my responsibility to keep it from happening and I fucked up.

  I do my best to hide my anxiety from Haley, but she knows me better than I thought.

  "Are you okay?" She asks, finally breaking the silence between us.

  "I'm fine."

  She either believes me or pretends to, probably in order to give me space to work this out on my own, which makes me feel even more guilty. Don't believe me, I want to tell her. Don't let me shut you out. Don't let me ruin this with fear.

  I give her a smile when she reaches over and takes one of my hands in hers. I lean toward her, and kiss her cheek to reassure her.

  "I love you." She says, and I want so much to be able to say it back to her in this moment. My heart knows the truth, but my head refuses to cooperate. Refuses to believe in a future with her. Refuses to let me feel secure in the knowledge she is happy with me.

  My father's voice cackles with I told you so glee, finding delight in watching me fuck this up just as predicted. I haven't battled with my father's voice in weeks and I find it unsettling.

  My phone rings and I am happy to answer to get a reprieve from the worry. Harrison informs me that the sleaze from earlier has contacted Harrison for a story he wants to write about me. I tell him i'll meet him in a few at my office.

  When I hang up, I look over at Haley. "I have to go deal with some things at work. Is that okay?" I ask.

  "Of course." She says.

  I sit with Harrison at my desk and eye the papers in between us, and ignore it. Afraid to find what story the sleaze wrote about me.

  "That asshole won't hurt you, and when i'm done with him he'll be ground to dust like the slimy worm he is. A few calls will destroy that bastard forever. No one will want anything to do with him when I'm done."

  "Part of me wants him destroyed. I want to stomp his little cockroach, buggy body into the ground, but we are not going to stoop to that."

  "You're are not going to let him release that." His voice is firm, and I wonder if he read it.

  I narrow my eyes at him and laugh harshly. "Hell no. He gets nothing, not even my energy. I've got a better idea, I tell my story to every rag, tabloid, and magazine that wants it." I glance up. "He can't sell yesterday's news, can he?"

  Harrison laughs low in his throat. "You're a formidable woman, Jessica Roven. Remind me not to piss you off. it's a good plan, even though I'd get a lot more satisfaction from ruining the man."

  Harrison and I get everything setup to happen the following Monday, giving me two days to figure out exactly what i'll be saying, and not cringe at the thought of doing this.

  I text Maure as i'm leaving and tell her i'll be working late, but really I made a appointment with my therapist. She usually comes with me to these, but I don't want her here this tim
e.

  The department shrink is waiting for me when I arrive at her office, her receptionist has already left for the day, and it's just her and me as she leads me back to her office.

  We both take our seat, and I stare out the window, not knowing where to start.

  "I have no idea what's going on with you unless you decide to let me in on it." She says, when I stay silent for too long.

  "Haley's pregnant." I blurt out, gripping the edge of the chair.

  "Is that something you don't want?"

  "It's not that...I mean I don't know, I've never given it much thought. I didn't think it could happen, and now I have this huge guilt weighing me down because it was my responsibility to keep it from happening and I didn't."

  "Is that what Haley thinks?"

  "No, but she doesn't have to."

  "Have you tried to talk about this with her?"

  I shake my head no.

  "The more you don't talk to her, the more helpless she's going to feel. Maybe she doesn't want to broach the subject until you do, she's probably more afraid of your reaction than her own. I shouldn't be saying this, but i've seen Haley a few times without you, i've had sessions with just her." She stops to gauge my reaction, but honestly it doesn't surprise me. "She's told me it's almost like you're two different people, one that says such sweet things and makes her feel hopeful and good, and safe, and this one that's just.."

  "Crazy?" I finish, braving a glance at her.

  "Confused." She says, shaking her head. "Why do you think you don't deserve to be happy?"

  "Because I don't!" I finally explode. "I'm not right in the head, I'm fucked up." The truth gnaws painfully at my gut, and I feel no relief in voicing it.

  "You're so intent on punishing yourself for something you had no control over, you can't see straight." She says.

  Reluctantly, my eyes meet hers. "She loves you, Jessica, so much it hurts her to see you hurting. She wants to make everything better for you and it breaks her heart that she can't, and she wants a life with you but she can't be the only one trying to make it happen."

  "This is life with me." I snap hiding behind anger and shame. "This is who I am."

  "This isn't who you are, and you know it." She points a finger at me. "You're not an asshole, and you're not a freak, and you're not a monster. You're a complicated woman Jessica Roven and if you want to suffer alone with your tortured soul because you think for someone reason you deserve it, fine. Choose suffering over her and that baby, but do you really think Haley's going to stay and watch it unfold?"

  "No." I reply, and I realize she's right, and I can't keep doing this to Haley. I can't keep shutting her out, I have to talk to her, a familiar sense of concern fill me, but with the concern is an even more foreign emotion.

  I stare at the floor searching for a word for that emotion. It's almost like excitement. Yes, that's what it is. My mind is abuzz with excitement. I'm anxious to figure all this out.

  Chapter 28

  Jessica's point of view.

  I find Haley in her kitchen when I get back to her house, after my eye opening appointment.

  "Hi." I say, going to stand next to her.

  "Hi." her voice is strained. She is pouring a cup of black coffee into the blender, her movements jerky with nerves or anger, i'm not certain. I study her in silence, trying to work out how she is doing.

  "Is everything okay?"

  "Yes. Yes, i'm fine." she says too cheerfully as she adds some milk to the blender.

  She surely doesn't appear to be fine. Physically she might be present, but emotionally she seems miles away.

  Is she upset about being pregnant? Does she regret ever getting with me?

  "Haley." I say, leaning against the kitchen counter. "I think we should talk."

  "About what?" She walks to the fridge, retrieves a can of whipped cream and slams the fridge with deliberate force.

  "You being pregnant." My voice is uncertain, with none of the self assurance I usually feel. "Do you want to be?"

  "Yes." She glances up at me.

  In the silence that follows, she tucks a strand of hair behind her ear. "I'm making a frappuccino." She say suddenly. "Would you like some? Are you hungry? I can fix you something."

  "Haley." I say, gently in an attempt to stop her nervous ramblings. "Look at me."

  Taking a deep breath, she sets the canister of whipped cream on the counter, then lifts her gaze. I take a step closer, my hand coming up to caress her cheek. "I want this, I didn't think I ever would, but I do, and I need to know that we are still okay. I know this was my fault and i'll take full responsibility for it.."

  "Jessica." She cuts in, turning her face into my palm. "Don't, it's no one's fault. Just because you got me pregnant doesn't mean my feelings have changed." She say, and smiles.

  I smile with her. "So, can we put the coffee up now? If you drink that this late you'll be up all night, plus I read somewhere coffee isn't good for pregnant women."

  "I wasn't actually going to drink it, I just needed to do something to keep me busy." She says, as she puts the whipped cream back in the fridge.

  "You were worried about how this was going to play out." I say, my guilt resurfacing.

  "A little." She says.

  "I'm sorry."

  "It's okay, Jessica." She says, and smiles at me.

  Haley goes to bed earlier than normal, but I know that pregnant women are much more tired than normal more so in the first trimester.

  When I climb into bed with her, I pull the blankets back, roll Haley over on her back. Placing my hand on her stomach, I rub in slow circles. It's hard to believe that there's a baby in there. Leaning forward, I press a kiss on her belly button then I tuck my head between her neck and shoulders with my arm holding her stomach, and I fall asleep that way.

  The next morning since it's my day off Tommy ropes me into helping him move a giant dresser Ma gave to him. We're in Tommy's truck after leaving Ma's, and i'm rubbing my aching shoulder when Tommy starts talking.

  "I thought I had it."

  "Yeah, well, you're lucky I had my balance, otherwise I would have fallen down the stairs. Don't you have any friends? Any guys you work with to help you move this heavy ass shit?"

  "You don't have to be such a baby about it. I said I was sorry, like ten times."

  "I'm not being a baby, you dropped a two hundred and fifty pound solid wood dresser on me!" He didn't actually drop it, more like it slipped, but we should have had someone else helping us.

  Aside from the occasional squeak of the brakes, silence fills the truck the rest of the drive. I feel like a kid again, having a silent contest. He's pissed at me when i'm the one who was slammed with the dresser. I'm not really mad, I get that his hands slipped, but that shit hurt.

  When we get to his house the silent treatment is still in effect. We avoid eye contact as we carry the dresser to his bedroom. I accidentally push a little harder, making him stumble. Smirking, I do it again.

  "Stop that shit!" He yells at me.

  "How's it feel to have all this wood shoved at you?"

  "For the last time, Jessica, I said I was sorry! I told you I'd take bottom. If you would have taken top, I would have been the one with the huge piece of wood slammed into me, and I wouldn't have to listen to you!"

  "I didn't want top! You're more flexible than me!"

  "Next time, you don't have a choice, you're getting top, and i'll take bottom so the wood hits me!"

  "Would you two like to be alone?"

  Ma's voice filters through the room, and we both drop the dresser, muttering profanities. Her and Haley are in the archway, both shaking their heads.

  "He dropped a dresser on me." I shout.

  "I said I was sorry!"

  We argue until a firm smack upside our heads echoes around the room.

  "Jesus, Ma." Tommy and I both say, rubbing the back of our heads.

  "I thought you two had outgrown these childish arguments."

  I try to defen
d myself since i'm always the one in trouble, even though he started it, but the 'Mom look' she shoots in my direction has me snapping my mouth shut like i'm a kid again.

  "Now, tell me what happened, so we can talk through it."

  "Nah, it's all good. Right?"

  The last thing I want is to get into a talk with Ma. We'd be here all day, and someone would end up crying. She has a way about her.

  "Yeah. We're good." Tommy's fist taps mine a little harder than necessary, and I pat him on the back with a little too much force.

  "Good, now that that's settled, let's get this thing moved."

  Ma ended up not being much help, and neither Ma nor myself would allow Haley to help when Tommy suggests it. Neither one of mention Haley's pregnancy, I know my mother knows, but I don't know if Haley wants to announce it to everyone just yet. After it's in place, I ride back with Tommy to Ma's and Haley rides with Ma.

  Ma invites us to stay for lunch, and we take her up on her offer. When she gets the lasagna finished and sets everything out, we all sit at the table. Before we can get started the doorbell rings.

  Tommy gets up from his seat.

  "I'm expecting someone."

  I shrug and steal a piece of bread. I expect him to come back with some woman, but to my utter disbelief my father stands with him. He looks incredibly frail, but his eyes, the same brown as mine are still alert. His eyes slowly looks me over. He smiles at me weakly, the effects of the drugs and the cancer taking its toll.

  I sit there frozen for several seconds.

  "What the hell is this?" I turn my gaze on Tommy.

  "I invited him, Ma said it was fine. He wants to see you Janie."

  I can't believe he's doing this to me.

  "Whatever let's just eat." I say.

  They both sit, and the food gets passed around. No one says anything for most of the meal, until my father opens his mouth.

  "You've always liked you mother's lasagna, remember when you were.."

  "Great, now we are reminiscing down memory lane?" I say interrupting him.

  "Jessica." My mother says.