Fighting To Stay

by P. J. Belden

  He sits in the chair across from me. “Not long at all. I’ll be with you every step of the way. I thought a familiar face that cares about you would help ease the nerves. You’ll be out before you even realize it.”

  “Am I going back now?”

  “If you’re ready to, yes.”

  “I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.”

  His smile widens, “Good. Let’s go my warrior princess.”

  “If you say so,” I say wearily.

  Waking in the recovery area, I see my brother sitting next to my bed talking with Dr. Hepner. Clearing my throat, they both look at me. An instant smile breaks across my brother’s face and I’m just as shocked to see it on Garrett’s face as well.

  “Welcome back, Sis,” Josh says.

  “Hey,” I croak. “You’re not still mad at me?”

  “Never. You know I love you.”

  “You’re just saying that because I won’t remember you said it,” I joke.

  Looking at my brother, I can see the worry in his eyes. It kills me that I had to call him, but Vince really grated my nerves and I didn’t want him being here today. I hope that he is in a better mood when I get back home today.

  “Don’t worry about me, Joshy. I’m in good hands,” I smile at Dr. Garrett.

  “That you are, even if I have to say so myself.”

  “Okay, little lady. You’ve been given the all clear,” Josh says a few moments later.

  Dr. Garrett talks me through the waiting period and what to watch for, but for the most part, there is nothing drastic to be aware of happening. Mainly soreness is the only thing that I can feel at the moment.

  When we pull up outside of my apartment, I didn’t see Vince’s car, which makes me feel a bit of relief. There is a tension between my brother and I, which is unusual for us. We are like two peas in a pod. Well, three peas because of our sister Hailey.

  “Can you tell me what’s going on yet?”

  “I will when I know. I’ll call you and Hailey both when I do.”

  “Do you understand that my mind is running through possibilities of what this is all about and it’s driving me insane?”

  “I know, but please understand that I just don’t want to worry you if there’s nothing to worry about. You know?”

  He nods his head for a moment before eventually turning his head toward me. “But I’m already stressing out about it, Dee.”

  Sighing, “I found a lump in my breast. They believe it could be cancer. That is why I had to have a biopsy done today.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding me? You were going to try and keep this from us?”

  “I wasn’t keeping anything from you. I just wasn’t going to tell you until there is something to tell,” I reply getting a little defensive.

  He huffs out a breath. “Why didn’t Mr. Crazy take you?”

  “Because I wanted you to, is that okay?” I half lie.

  “I’m glad you wanted me there, I just… Is everything okay with you guys?”

  “To be honest, I just don’t know.”

  I could feel my brother tense next to me. “Has he hurt you?”

  “Not in the way you’re thinking. I think he has just gotten too comfortable. We need to talk.”

  “Well, if you need me, you know you can call me. We need to all get together again. I haven’t talked to Hailey in a while either.”

  “How about we do lunch when I get the results saying it’s not cancer,” I grin.

  He pokes me in my side as he always did. “That sounds like a plan. Now, in-simba-gowa-mama-coo-it.” He says in his way of getting my butt moving.

  Smiling at him, I laugh a little. “I’ll see you later,” laughing as I climb from the truck.

  “Get some sleep,” he yells as I go to close the door.

  “Yes, Sir,” I fake salute him before closing the door.

  Walking inside, I think about the talk that needs to happen between Vince and I. Would it change how he is with me? There is a part of me that still hopes it does, but then there is a part that knows this is the real him. He may be like most control-freaks and change for a while, and then boom…back to the same actions all over again.

  Wherever this road that I’m going down now leads me, please give me the strength to walk it. I send up a silent prayer.

  “What are you doing?”

  Jerking awake, I sit up quickly in bed. “What? What happened?”

  Confused, I turn toward my doorway and see Vince standing there looking angry. What time is it? Reaching up, I wipe my eyes and the tenderness reminds me that I had crawled into bed to rest after the biopsy.

  “Why are you sleeping,” he hisses.

  “I had the biopsy today, remember? I’m tired,” I say, attempting to lay back down.

  Vince yanks the covers from my bed and towers over me, glaring down at me. I look up at him in complete astonishment and confusion. If he thought for one second that I’m going to lay here and deal with his attitude—he picked the wrong woman. I’m tired, cranky and not in any mood to deal with whatever tantrum he is attempting to throw.

  “Where’s my dinner?”

  “In the fridge and pantry,” I retort blankly as I climb from the bed and gather my blankets. “I’m tired. You can fend for yourself tonight. Maybe when I wake up you’ll be in a little better mood,” I say as I make my bed to lie back down.

  He grabs my arm and whirls me around. Smacking me hard across the face, I stumble back onto the bed.

  “You’ll get down there and make my dinner now. While you’re cooking, you can think about talking back to me again.”

  The shock of him hitting me wearing off, I stand from the bed and start shoving him. With each shove, a pain shot through my armpit, but it only fuels my anger.

  “You don’t ever put your damn hands on me! You can take your supper and shove it down your throat. I pray you choke on it. I won’t save you. Oh yeah, be sure to get the hell out of my apartment before you do. You are not welcome here again. We are OVER!”

  Moving around him, I open the door and shove him hard out of the apartment. “I dare you to come back,” I threaten.

  Slamming the door, I lock it and slide the chain in place. Tomorrow, I’m going to have to buy all new locks and be charged by the complex for doing it, even doing it myself. In a way, a weight is lifted from my shoulders, but at the same time, my heart is broken.

  This is a man I’ve devoted a good chunk of my life to and he not only seen me as a maid, but he laid his hands on me. In my heart of hearts, I knew this was coming. He is not being supportive about the possibility of me having cancer. Instead, he is more concerned on when I would be into having sex again—feeding him... etc.

  You know what they say ‘Hindsight is 20/20’. Isn’t that the truth!

  My knee bounces as I wait in the office of Dr. Garrett Hepner. No matter how hard I tried over the past couple days, I couldn’t shake the worry over what the results will be. However, it is not just the results—UGH—it is everything that keeps running through my mind. At some point, I am going to have to tell my siblings about Vince. Frankly, I’d much rather talk about whatever these results were than tell them what went down between us.

  The door opens and clicks close. “Thank you for coming in on such short notice,” Garrett starts.

  “No problem,” I say not taking my eyes off my hands that seem to fascinate me completely in this moment.

  “How have you been? Any complaints about the…” his voice trails off as I raise my head. “Oh my God, what happened to you?”

  He kneels before me cradling my face in his hands, his thumb slowly running along my still bruised cheek. The concern and anger in his eyes touch my heart.

  “Would you accept that I had a klutz moment?” I ask hopefully.

  “No, no I wouldn’t,” the barely hidden anger shocks me.

  “Can you tell me the results?”

  Shaking his head, never moving his hands. “No, I can’t. Not until I know what happ
ened to you. Please Donna, tell me what is going on. What happened?”

  Shocking me, more than his words is the tender kiss he places over the bruise. My skin tingles where his lips touch and heat floods my cheek. Then reality hit me just as hard as Vince’s smack did. In school, I had a massive crush on him, but we were friends and I didn’t want to lose that. His friendship meant far too much to me to risk over my heart being stupid enough to fall for him.

  “I got into a fight with my ex. I’m fine. Now,” I pull my head from his hands. “Please put me out of my misery and tell me the results.”

  He stares at me a moment longer before shaking his head. “I’m sorry. That was very unprofessional of me, but you are my friend before my patient. Can you forgive me?”

  “Of course, I can. Seems I have to do that a lot lately,” I laugh nervously, trying my damnedest not to show the effect that little moment had on me.

  Garrett laughs. “Seems so.” His laughter falls away and the smile drops from his face. Taking a hold of my hands, he squeezes reassuringly. “It’s cancer. Stage Two B. That’s the bad news. The good news is that it is treatable. We caught it early enough that with treatment you have a higher prognosis of beating it.”

  My mouth drops open. In the past few days since the possibility was brought up, I’ve never once thought those words would ever be said. Honestly, I thought he was going to say that it was a clogged duct or a cyst, but I never believed it was cancer.

  “Are… What…” I try to ask all the questions in my head at once, but they do not seem to want to come out one at a time or even at all.

  “We will start chemo right away and consider radiation if chemo doesn’t seem to be having the desired effect we’d like to see. We’ll need to start you on a vitamin regimen that will help you keep your strength through the treatments. Once the treatments have concluded, we’ll remove the tissue where the lump is located and any other tissue that has been affected. The point here is we can treat it by acting now. You can survive this. You will survive this and I’ll do all I can to make sure you do.”

  “Are you talking to me as a doctor or friend again?” I try to joke to curb the tears wanting to fall.

  “How about we say friend for now?”

  “For now?”

  “This isn’t the time for that discussion. Let’s get you scheduled for your port and set up treatment appointments. I, personally, will not be your oncologist, but my colleague and friend Robert Crosley will be. He’s like me and prefers to schedule in advance and try to keep them at the same times of the day. So you’ll have it all mapped out, know what to expect and when. Now as a result from the treatment many lose their hair, so don’t be shocked if you do as well. However, there are a rare few that do not, so you never know.”

  He continues to speak on about the side effects. He speaks about the possibilities of what could happen and what will be happening during each treatment, but my mind is frozen. All it can do is flash the word CANCER in neon dancing lights.

  “This has to be a joke,” I mumble.

  Garrett’s tender hand on my face breaks me from my thoughts and our eyes meet. “I’m so sorry, Donna. If I could change this, I would, but sadly, I can’t. I am here for you. I will be here whenever you need a friend or a doctor, if you will allow me to be. We can fight it together.”

  Standing abruptly, I run my hands down the front of my clothes. “I, uh, need to schedule the appointments and… um, I need to leave. I guess I need to tell my siblings.”

  “Do you want me to come with you?” Garrett asks nervously.

  “What?”

  “I can go with you for support, I mean if you want. I know it’s going to be hard on all three of you because cancer has already taken so much from you.”

  “You’d do that for me?” I ask shocked by his kindness.

  “You’d be surprised what I’d do for you,” he mutters.

  Shaking my head, this is all too much. I need some space. Some fresh air sounds good. “I think I can handle this, but thank you for your kind gesture. Can we schedule those appointments?”

  “Of course,” he answers, sounding almost disappointed.

  We walk out to the receptionist and she schedules the port implant and sets up the first of my treatments. My heart is hammering in my chest as I walk from the office. The pamphlets that I was given is like a burning fire in my purse. I jump on my bike and head out to the mountains.

  The mountain trails are the places that allow me to clear my head and really see things for what they are. If I am having a bad day, one hour out here is the best kind of therapy. Maybe that’s why Vince and I lasted so long. The highs I got from walking or riding out here changed my mood for the better every time.

  Several hours pass by and the sun starts to set. I’m on my way home when I remember, I still need to meet up with Hailey and Josh. Pulling out my phone, I saw several missed calls from a number I didn’t recognize and a couple from Josh.

  Hitting dial, I call Josh.

  “Where the hell have you been?” Josh answers in lieu of hello.

  “I’ve been out riding in the mountains. The reception sucks out there. Sorry. Did you need something?”

  “Garrett called me trying to get a hold of you. I was worried Dee. Are you okay?”

  “Can you call Hailey and meet me at IHop? You promised me a meal and I’m cashing in,” I try to sound as upbeat as possible.

  “Okay. When?” I hear the skepticism in his voice.

  “Well, I’m on my bike now. So about fifteen minutes?”

  “Sure, we’ll meet you there. We’re in town.”

  “Great. Love you.”

  “I love you too, Dee.”

  Quickly, I press end. One thing I decided while riding out there is this is not going to knock me down. I am not going to look at each day and fill it with the dark haze of the negativity that keeps trying to seep into my thoughts. No, I’m going to beat this and I’m going to go on to have the life I’ve always dreamed of.

  Fifteen minutes later, I arrive at the restaurant. Looking around the parking lot as I ride in, I locate both my siblings’ vehicles. Smiling, I chain up my bike and head into the building. One quick look, I can see them sitting in the corner, thankfully no one else is around. Taking a deep breath, I ready myself for this conversation.

  Forcing the smile on my face, I walk over to them. Josh is immediately on his feet, anger plainly etched across his handsome face. Hailey turns to look at me and she joins Josh almost immediately.

  “What the heck happened to you?” They ask in unison.

  It is then I remembered about my face. Waving their concern away, I slide into the booth. “I’m fine. So did you guys already order? I’m starving.”

  “No, we did not order. We aren’t until you tell me what the hell happened to your face?” Hailey demands.

  My sister is drop dead gorgeous. Honestly, I’m shocked she’s not a model. Josh always thought every guy in the world had a crush on her and they may have. She is tall, curvy, and beautiful. However, I’m finding it hard to remember the last time she didn’t dye her hair. Today, it is blonde.

  “You’d get in the way of me and my food. You know it’s a bad idea to get in the middle of me and my food. Remember the last time,” I wink at Josh.

  He unconsciously starts rubbing his hand where I had stabbed him with a fork when he tried to take my chicken wings. It was all in fun and I never meant to actually stab him. Honestly, I expected him to move his hand, but he kept it there.

  “Stab me again if you need to, but I’m with Hay on this one.”

  Sighing in defeat, this is honestly the easier of the conversations I had to have today. To be perfectly frank, I’m glad he’s gone. There’s no way I’d want him around for when I celebrate going into remission and definitely no way I want to waste another day under his controlling, demanding thumb.

  “Vince and I are over. He hit me and I kicked his ass out. The End. Now can we order?”

  �
�Fine,” they mumble, but I could sense the anger boiling under their skin.

  Once we order our food, we talk about what exactly happened between Vince and I. Several times, I have to stop each of them from leaving the restaurant all together.

  Our food arrives and I shovel it all in my mouth like there’s no tomorrow. Removing the worry from my shoulders has brought my appetite back with a vengeance.

  Hailey is fiddling with her coffee cup when she finally asks, “So what’s going on Dee?”

  “The results came back. I have Stage Two B breast cancer. It’s treatable and a good chance of going into remission. I’m not stressing over this. Therefore, I don’t want you to either. Do you understand me? But I will need rides to the office for treatments and to get my port put in.”

  Hailey nor Josh say anything for the longest time. They simply stare down at their drinks. The quiet is bugging me. I decide to fill it with something else that is on my mind.

  “So, today, Garrett kissed me. Part of me thinks it was only a friend trying to make the wound go away. Another part of me wishes it's because he likes me. Is that weird of me?”

  Hailey clears her throat. “Kissed you where?”

  “In the office,” I purposely respond wrong.

  “No, on the lips? Where?”

  “On the cheek, but it is more what he said after it all, when I was getting ready to leave.”

  “What did he say,” Josh asks, finally joining into the conversation.

  “He asked if I wanted him to come with me to tell you guys. I asked him if he’d really do that. He was like, ‘you’d be surprise what I’d do for you’. I mean what the hell is that supposed to mean. I have to be reading that wrong, right? Hell, he took off one day and no contact from him, nothing. He broke me,” I whisper.

  Hailey stares at me with a small smirk on her face. “He’s finally getting the balls,” she mumbles under her breath so low I almost didn’t catch it.

  “What do you mean?” Immediately forgetting about the pain from the past.

  “Nothing, don’t worry about it. So, what’s the next step?” Hailey seems eager to move away from the question.