First and Only

by Olivia Howe

  CHAPTER 20

  One month later…

  THE PAIN OF LOSING ADAM becomes easier to handle each day. My heart isn’t completely healed; far from it, actually. But I’m making progress. Baby steps. I’ll get through it sooner or later. I’m hoping for sooner rather than later, but it’s not easy to get over someone you truly love. It’s the hardest thing in the world and the most painful, too. Think of the pain as a needle stabbing at your heart constantly—no breaks and no stopping.

  I force myself out of bed after I realize I’ve been staring off into space for a few hours. I didn’t even notice. I feel so empty inside. There’s still an aching pain in my heart. It gets better until I think about Adam. I wish it would stop. I wish it would just go away so I can get on with my life.

  He lied to me! Yes, he did. He lied and now it’s time to get over it.

  It’s too hard! Yes, it is, but you can’t stay in this bed for the rest of your life.

  I drag myself across my apartment. Coffee will help me... hopefully.

  I turn on the coffee pot, waiting and staring off into space again. I do that a lot now.

  A knock at my door startles me. No one advised me they would be visiting today. I don’t feel like making small talk or pretending I’m okay. I’m far from okay, and it isn’t going to help me to put on a show. I don’t have the energy.

  The knocking won’t stop. I know it’s not Adam. If it was, he would be yelling out my name by now.

  Screw it!

  I force myself across the living room and whip the door open. “Ivy?”

  “I’m sorry for showing up unannounced. Can I come in?”

  This must not be good. I don’t think it’s a good idea. I’m trying to heal, not bring up everything that reminds me of Adam… And surely Ivy reminds me of her older brother.

  I move aside and open the door further. “Sure.”

  My house is a mess. Well, more like trashed. I haven’t had the energy to do anything, including cleaning. Ivy looks around. Jeez, she looks horrified. I move clutter off the couch so she can take a seat.

  “Thank you,” she says, taking a seat on the corner of the couch.

  “Can I get you some coffee or something?” I probably look like a crazy person, wearing baggy sweatpants with a tank top and a bathrobe.

  “I’m good, thanks.”

  “Ivy, what are you doing here?” I get right to the point.

  “Have you talked to Adam lately?” she asks. Of course, she would be here to talk about Adam. I don’t like hearing the A word anymore.

  “No.” There’s no need to elaborate or tell her not to talk about him. It’s not going to stop her. She came here for a reason, and Ivy won’t leave until she’s made her opinion known.

  “He’s a mess, Mandi.”

  I gesture my arms around the room. “He’s not the only one.”

  “I’m worried about him. He isn’t my big brother anymore. He’s changed so much. I feel like he’s going to drink himself to death. All he does is train or he’s at the bar drinking.”

  “It’s not my problem, Ivy. He lied to me… He did this, not me.”

  “Adam and Linda have been separated for a long time. She cheated on him, Mandi. That isn’t his baby. That’s why he’s getting divorced. Well, he’s been trying for a while now. She’s making it difficult. This happened way before you two started seeing each other.”

  What? That’s not his baby? He’s getting a divorce?

  “He still lied to me. He shattered my heart.”

  “Adam is an asshole for not telling you, but he never lied to you. He kept it secret because he didn’t want to lose you.” Ivy stands up and walks over to stand in front of me. “He loves you more than I’ve ever seen him love another woman.”

  “I can’t, Ivy. I’m sorry. Not only did he lie to me, but everyone around me did. Your family, his trainers—everyone lied to me. I look like a fool.”

  “Everyone knew Adam was dealing with a lot of stress from Linda. And no one lied to you. Linda and he were in the process of getting a divorce.” She gathers her thoughts and starts speaking again when I don’t answer. “You know he lost his first fight some odd weeks ago? He got his ass beat. The stupid thing is he didn’t even fight back. It’s like he wanted to feel the pain.” She pulls me in for a hug. “You’re a mess. He’s a mess. I’m worried. Just talk to him. If not for him, then for you.”

  “I don’t know…”

  “Adam will be at Madison Square Garden in two days. He needs his good luck charm, Mandi.”

  “I’ll think about it.”

  “Look, it’s not like I’m asking you to get back together with him. I’m not. All I’m saying is talk to him. Give him a chance to defend himself and give you his side of the story.”

  She’s right. I never even gave Adam the opportunity to tell me what happened with Linda. Something inside of me snapped when Linda told me Adam was her husband… and then seeing her pregnant belly, I lost all control.

  I nod. “I have a lot of work to do.”

  “I understand. I hope to see you in New York. The whole family is going to be there. I don’t think he can win without you, Mandi.” She hugs me one last time, and then I walk her out the door. Before she leaves, she turns around. “No matter what happens, I’ll always consider you like a sister to me.”

  Was her goal to come here and make me cry? Because it’s working.

  I smile and shut the door before she sees me cry like a baby. I lean my back against the front door and slide to the ground. Tears blur my vision. I try to hold them back, but it doesn’t work.

  Knowing Adam and Linda are getting a divorce and she cheated on him and that this isn’t his kid, well, that would’ve changed everything. I know it would have. Am I stupid for not giving him a chance to explain things to me, to talk to me about his side of the story?

  He should’ve told me, yes. Maybe it was too hard for him to talk about it. Maybe he only wanted to forget about Linda and never talk about her again. But I had the right to know.

  Tears fall fast from my eyes.

  What am I going to do? Should I go to New York and talk to Adam? I promised myself I wouldn’t miss this match for the world. That is until everything started spinning out of control.

  When it gets hard, loving someone hurts sometimes, it really does. But it makes you feel so alive. This love I have for Adam, well, it will never go away. And I can’t sit here and ignore it. Loving can also heal and mend your soul.

  I open my laptop and search for flights to New York. I have to go see Adam, even if it is from a distance in the crowd. I want to see him. I want to hear what he has to say.

  I find a flight leaving Chicago to New York in two days at three in the afternoon, New York time. The flight is two hours long, so that will give me just enough time to make it to Madison Square Garden by seven for Adam’s big fight.

  I hesitate buying the ticket. Am I doing the right thing? I click purchase ticket. We’re going to find out.

  Suddenly, my sadness disappears. I hope this feeling lasts a while. I go to my bedroom and pack a bag for tomorrow. I want to travel light. I’m not going to be there more than a day, and would rather not be lugging a bunch of luggage around New York.

  Before I lie down, I need to get some writing done. I need to get it out of my system before I forget…

  ***

  I can’t keep going, day after day, acting like everything is okay. It’s not. Everything is not okay. It’s far from it. I’m broken inside, and I can’t handle this pain anymore. It’s starting to get unbearable.

  I spill a tray of food all over the café floor. Shit! The dishes and glasses break; the food spills everywhere. I can’t believe I did that. Everyone in the café stops what they’re doing and stares at me.

  I roll my eyes. This day can’t get any worse.

  Carrie slowly approaches me. “Are you okay?”

  “No, I’m not okay!” I kneel on the floor, picking up the broken glass first.
r />   “Don’t get snippy with me. I’m just making sure you’re okay.”

  “Well, I’m not. I broke all kinds of glass and spilled that old lady’s food everywhere. Now she’s gonna have to wait even longer to eat, and she already looks like she wants to eat me.” I toss the glass carefully into the garbage.

  “Lauren, this isn’t about the glass or the food.”

  I look into her eyes. She’s right. Tears surface. “I’m not okay. I’m hurt, and I’m broken, and I’m torn apart inside.”

  “I know.” She brings me in for a hug and then pulls me into the back. “What are you gonna do about it?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Are you gonna sit here and keep crying about it? Or are you going to take action?”

  I’m not sure I’m on the same page as she is.

  “Mark left me.”

  “He told you he loved you and you didn’t fight for him.” Carrie tells the truth. She’s so very right. She’s always right.

  “I didn’t have much of a choice, though. He said it, not me.”

  “If you would’ve told him you loved him, do you think it would’ve changed things?” she asks.

  I never looked at it that way.

  “Maybe it would’ve.”

  “Are you going to sit here in denial and think about all the what ifs?”

  “Are you saying I should go see him and tell him how I feel?” I ask. She’s not the type of person to tell me to go chase after a man.

  “I’m telling you I’m giving you a week off from work starting now. What you do with that time is none of my concern.” Gracefully, she walks out of the office.

  It’s tempting. I want to go tell Mark how I feel more than anything in this world. I just want to make sure he knows before I try to move on. Maybe he’ll change his mind about leaving. I saw it in his eyes; he didn’t want to leave. He did it because he thought it was the right thing for me. Maybe if I tell him he’s so utterly wrong, he’ll come back to me. I want him to come back, and I know he wants the same.

  Mark was trying to protect me from him. But I don’t want to be protected. I want him and only him. I don’t care about the drama or the repercussions of being with him. We can deal with it as it comes. I would do anything for him. I want him back. I need him to know that I love him, too.

  I get my things out of my locker and make a run for it out the door. Before I can leave, Carrie grabs me. “I heard this great band will be playing at The Blues in New Jersey tomorrow night. You should go see them.”

  I smile, knowing exactly what she means. “I’m making my way there now.”

  Her smile grows. “Lauren, good luck. And no matter what, at least you tried.”

  Before I walk out the door, I go back to hug Carrie. She’s such a great friend. She has always been there for me through everything. She is one person I know I can count on. “Thank you for everything.”

  “Through the good and bad, darling. That’s what friends are for. Now get outta here.”

  I wave and smile to her and Tommy. New Jersey, here I come.

  ***

  In this moment, I know exactly where I’m going with my characters. A tear slips from my eyes. I’m not sure how Barbara is going to feel about it or how readers will react to it, but this is how it has to go. I finally know the ending to my novel, and it’s bittersweet.

  I shut down my laptop, needing sleep. I have a long day tomorrow, and I need to be prepared. I can’t be tired and cranky. That won’t go well.

  I look through my closet for nighttime clothes. I find Adam’s shirt lying on the floor. I snatch it, smelling his scent all over. This was my favorite bedtime shirt of his. I wore it all the time.

  I strip out of my clothes and slide it over my head. The smell is hypnotizing, making me miss the man I love even more.

  As I pull the blankets down, my mind wanders a million miles. All I can seem to think about is Adam. I think up scenarios of what will happen when we see each other for the first time since all this shit happened.

  Am I going to forgive him for withholding secrets? Maybe. Are we going to kiss and make up? Maybe.

  I wish I had answers to my questions, but for now, I don’t. Soon enough, I’ll be in New York at Madison Square Garden, cheering Adam on in the audience. It’s been us from the beginning, and I have to be there for him.

  I still feel so bad about his not telling me about his wife or the baby situation or the divorce. I would’ve understood and been there for him through it all. It hurts that he didn’t trust me enough to tell me. In two days, I’m going to find out why.

  CHAPTER 21

  Two days later…

  THE AIRPORT IS HECTIC. Crowds of people are in my way. Security is a mess. It takes me at least an hour just to get through TSA and be searched. Luckily, I arrived two hours early, because I knew something like this would happen. I’m short on time, and I can’t afford to be late for my flight. I have to be there for Adam tonight.

  Flight 310 is packed tight with people. The waiting area is completely filled. I search for a spot to sit, with no luck. Instead, I find a place in the corner and slide to the floor, making myself as comfortable as I can. My flight is in thirty minutes. I made it just in time.

  A woman clears her voice on the intercom. “Flight 310 has been delayed due to weather conditions. It’s too cloudy for the plane to navigate. More information to come.”

  My eyes open wide and my jaw drops. This can’t be happening.

  I grab my bag and make my way past the angry mob of people, pushing myself to the front to talk with the lady who just spoke. “Excuse me, ma’am.”

  “What can I help you with?” She smiles a fake smile. I bet she hates her job. I would, too, if I had to deal with arrogant people all day. It’s not her fault the plane is delayed, though.

  “How long is the flight delayed?” I ask, trying to be calm.

  “Two hours.”

  “Two hours?” I raise my voice, like I’m turning into one of those arrogant people.

  “I’m sorry, ma’am.”

  I sit back down in my spot in the corner. This can’t be happening. If my flight is delayed by two hours, then I won’t get to New York until seven at night… And that’s when Adam’s fight starts.

  Shit! This can’t be happening! This would happen when I’m trying so hard to be somewhere.

  ***

  I go to find something to eat, and explore the airport to pass the time. Two hours goes by so slowly. The clock finally hits five o’clock. I’m waiting for the woman to announce that the plane is ready and start calling seat numbers. Luckily, I have an aisle seat. I’m not a big fan of heights; they scare the shit out of me. I would much rather have two feet planted on the ground.

  “Now boarding for flight 310. Rows one through ten, please.”

  I jump up. Thank God they’re not delaying it any longer. I would completely miss Adam’s big fight. And the chance to talk to him.

  Five minutes pass, and she finally calls my seat number. “Rows sixteen through twenty.”

  I run to the desk with an endless smile on my face. “Here.”

  “Have a safe flight, ma’am.”

  “Thank you.”

  I get on the plane and find my seat. There’s a married couple across the aisle from me with three kids. I watch them for a while. They look so happily married. The man can’t keep his hands off his wife. It’s a beautiful thing to see. That could be Adam and me in fifteen years—happy and still so madly in love. I wish.

  ***

  “Welcome to New York, the city that never sleeps,” the pilot says. I’ve never been to New York before. I guess there’s a first time for everything. I don’t care about that right now, though. I only care about getting to Adam.

  Once I’m off the plane, a wave of relief hits me. I made it to New York, New York. Now I have to make it to Madison Square Garden. I check the time on my phone. It’s ten past seven. The fight has already started. I’m late!

  I bo
ok it across the airport, trying to get out of this place as fast as I can. I find a cab after waiting in a much longer line than I expected.

  Finally in a taxi, the man asks me where I’m going. I smile. “Madison Square Garden, please.”

  “You got it.”

  It takes about forty minutes from LaGuardia Airport to Madison Square Garden. I tip the taxi driver a good amount of money and exit the vehicle. Once out of the cab, I see something I’ve never seen before.

  Adam’s name blinks in bright lights above me. Above that hangs a picture of him in his silk boxing shorts and gloves. He looks sexy up there and amazing. This is all amazing. Blinking lights are everywhere. Cabs line up outside the doors.

  I go up to the ticket booth. “Can I have one ticket, please?”

  “Do you have one reserved? Or are you buying one?” the ticket booth man asks me. I’d never thought about it.

  “Can you see if there is one reserved for me?”

  “Name?”

  Oh, yes. That might help him. “Mandi Gale.”

  He scores a clipboard and searches for my name. Saying nothing, he gives me my ticket. “Have a great night.”

  Okay… I guess my name was on the list. I wonder how much tickets are. They’re probably hundreds of dollars—something I really can’t afford right now. I’m glad I was on the list. I feel special. Either Ivy or Adam did that for me. I wonder if Ivy told Adam I was going to be coming tonight.

  I’m more than a half hour late for the fight. I hear people talking about how the fight started late, which is a good thing for me. I enter the arena. There must be least eighteen thousand people here tonight. This is incredible.

  I run down the stairs, making sure I’m watching my steps. The last thing I want is to fall down all these billions of stairs.

  The bell dings, and the referee pushes the fighters away from each other. I get down close, and a security guard stops me. “Access pass, please.”

  Not paying attention, I show him my ticket, keeping my eyes on Adam the whole time. He looks horrible, like he’s getting his ass handed to him out there. I can’t believe this. What’s happening right now?