“He’s a little young for expectations,” he said with a deep chuckle. “Although he is his father’s son. Give him some time to at least grow hair on his balls.”
Sickness crawled through me — what a fucking asshole.
“It won’t be long until he has to take over the family business, Angelo. Logan needs to know that when the time comes, it’s his responsibility. Thank you for this, it’ll get me through the next couple of days.”
I watched as my mother took a small bag of white powder and placed it in her purse. I wasn’t stupid, that was more drugs. I wasn’t too young to know what she was expecting of me either. What I was too young for, was sex.
“He’s old enough to take care of his brothers while you and I go out, isn’t he? I’ll handle the business until he’s of age.”
“No, you won’t. Gabe is handling it. Ask him,” I blurted out and jerked my chin to the right where Gabe was quickly approaching. I only knew Gabe was helping out because he told my mother not to worry about anything except my brothers and me for at least six months. She wasn’t going to listen to Gabe any more than she was going to be our mother. She could do whatever the hell she wanted, but there was no way I was going to stand by and have someone else take over, especially a creep like Angelo. He’d run it to the ground. Probably take off with all our money and leave us with nothing. No, I’d make sure Gabe knew about this and the damn drugs. But I wouldn’t do it here and dishonor my father.
Angelo ignored me while my mother slapped me in the back of the head. I didn’t say anything, but I felt the anger coming off of Lane.
Angelo glanced down at Seth, who had his face buried into Mom’s long black dress. He shook his head, then jerked it quickly toward me. I scowled when Angelo smirked and tilted his head, a strange smile forming on his thin lips. He was going to try to drug my mother up to steal the business. That would happen over my dead body.
There was something about that look, something else my little brain couldn’t grasp. I knew it wasn’t the look of feeling sorry for a kid who lost his father; it was an evil look that made me scoot closer to Lane.
And then it struck me; it was the look of lust — the look of a crazy man. I’d watched it enough on television.
He best have eyes in the back of his head. He touches a hair on either of my brothers’ heads, and I’ll kill him.
I didn’t say a word. I dropped the umbrella, grabbed both my brothers’ hands, and walked toward Gabe while feeling Angelo’s sinister gaze on me.
That was the same kind of smile Shadow had, I’d decided later that night. It wasn’t lust-filled; it was jealousy, and it was me who was going to have to watch my back.
For years I watched my back and my brothers. Took beating after beating from our mother because I was afraid she’d kick me out and what was happening to me, would happen to them. I did what she asked of me when it came to the business out of fear. I kept my mouth shut and never told Gabe about what went on at home out of fear.
But the fear back then, it’s nothing compared to what it is now.
I protected my brothers, and I failed to protect the woman I love.
Chapter 3
Ellie
Once when I was a little girl, I dreamt that my dad painted our house pink because he wanted the whole city to know that inside the castle, lived his princess and his queen. There were thick vines covered in bluebonnets that rose up from the ground and went past my bedroom window ending somewhere in the bright blue sky. Below on the green grass stood my prince. I couldn’t see his face; I only knew he was someday going to climb up, and we were going to live happily ever after just like all the movies I watched with my mom and dad.
When I woke, I knew our house wasn’t pink, and I knew the man that stood there waiting for me wasn’t real. I pretended he was, and even though I thought boys were yucky, I remember telling my mom about the dream. She didn’t laugh and tell me it wasn’t real. She told me seeing was believing. She said children have a vibrant imagination and mine could be whatever I wanted it to be.
I wasn’t sure what I wanted to be.
I only knew someday I wanted to be a mother. I wanted someone to love me the way my dad loved my mom. So, I used my imagination, and I pretended and daydreamed as most little girls do. Sometimes, my dreams came vividly alive while I slept. Others would occur at random, like the times when my parents and I would lie in the field, surrounded by bluebonnets and gaze at the stars.
In this dream I’m having now, I’m hopelessly in love with a man with dark brown hair and the greenest eyes. A love like ours wasn’t a conventional type of love, but it’s our love, and it came on quickly. Beautiful to me, and everlasting.
In my dream, I’m holding a baby, and this man was holding me as we stared down at our unexpected miracle. I couldn’t tell if it was a girl or a boy. I couldn’t even see its face. I only knew it was a part of me and a part of him. Its heartbeat vibrant and steady. It has ten fingers, ten toes, and a head full of hair the same color as the man. It was perfect, it was healthy, and it was very much alive.
In my dream, there wasn’t a monster holding a gun; there were only beauty and peace and a whispering breeze of calm.
In my dream, my parents are alive. My mother knew who I was, and my father, he wasn’t lost in his sea of pain.
I gasp, choking on my saliva, spitting it out and feeling it dribble down my chin as my dream switches directions. The gears start shifting. They grind making an awful noise, and my life swerves, spinning out of control. I come to a dead stop, ending with my worst nightmare in front of me.
A hallucination that can’t be real.
Unpredictable and volatile.
I blink and close my eyes several times to clear the fog. I need to see my baby’s face instead of the monster. I open them slowly, to find my baby is gone. Sweat drips down my temples; dread surrounds me because as my hands frantically search for my child, it’s then I realize the man holding me isn’t the man I love, it’s the monster.
I scream. It’s a bloody-murder, toe-curling scream that has panic rippling goosebumps across my skin.
“Fuck, I love it when she shows me fear. It makes my dick hard.”
Oh, God, no, no, no.
That voice. I hate it with a passion.
My heart starts racing, pulse-pounding out of control, and my head feels like someone has hammered nails right through my eyes. They burn badly. I try closing them; I try moving my arms to swing, but I can’t. Someone seems to be holding them back, attaching something rough and scratchy around my wrists and hoisting my body into the air.
Rope. It holds me up. It drags me down.
Panic and paranoia. I feel them winding and winding around my brain as I dangle in the air.
Sobs tear through me, but I choke them down along with the panic, keeping my thoughts and fears in check.
Shadow has found me like I knew he would. He has me. He shot Logan. He touched me, and I have no idea where I am or how long I’ve been out.
Logan. God, please let someone get to him. Is he still alive? Did Gabe find him? Will they find me? How many hours have passed since Shadow took me? I can’t stop the questions that I might never have answers too. The thoughts are speeding up inside my head. I want them to slow so I can suck in air but they won’t.
You will not die, Logan Mitchell. We haven’t even started our lives yet. We haven’t fully grieved, and you never told me what you wanted to do with your life.
Somebody. Anyone, please make all of this chaos inside of me stop.
“Having dreams about me again or nightmares?” Shadow stands before me, baring his teeth, brows angled to a pissed-off scowl and veins popping out of his neck, and jutting his tongue out to swipe across his lips like the evil serpent he is.
My chest tightens. My bones rattle. I can’t go through this again. I can’t.
“Only in your dreams do I think about you, Shadow.” I lift my chin, feigning strength, and wondering how in the hell life could twist
my fate twice with this raping savage who deserves to rot in Hell.
“You aren’t prepared to talk about my dreams. You will be soon, though, sweetheart. You aren’t a good liar, either. You forget I studied you, Ellie. The outside might have changed and Christ, did it ever, but—”
A yelp flies out of my mouth when he runs his hands through my hair, twists it and jerks my head to the side. “The inside is still scared to death of me. I live inside your head the same as you do mine. If only back then you would have spared the time for me the way you did Whitney, I wouldn’t be in your nightmares. I’d be in your sweet dreams. Now that I am in your nightmares, I’m going to make them living hell until I’ve had my fill. Until you flat line and there’s no more of you left.” His tone is murderous, his words revolting.
I freeze when he leans in and sucks on my neck.
Oh, God. I want to scrub my skin off.
“None of this would have happened if you had shown me the kindness you did to others. If you would have looked at me like I meant something instead of right through me as if I wasn’t there. You treated me like I was nothing; in doing so, you possessed my mind. It’s time that you understand who owns you and controls you. Possession is nine-tenths of the law. Meaning, I own you, Ellie Mae. You will submit to me and do everything I say, or you’ll die painfully.”
Anger surges, bumping up alongside the terror darting through my veins.
“Fine by me. I’d rather die than do a damn thing you want. If I were to have anyone in my dreams, it sure the hell wouldn’t be you, and I wouldn’t have nightmares if it weren’t for what you did to me,” I want to say. My voice though is stuck between the dream and nightmare.
“Logan,” I manage to get out through the cotton-like feeling in my mouth.
“Isn’t coming to save you. I warned you about saying his name, do it again, and you’ll be punished.”
My heart plummets as I recall the way I saw Logan laying there like he was dead.
“You shot him because you are scared of him. That was mistake number one. Number two was taking me. You better run for your pathetic life, Shadow. Your days on the outside are numbered.” That’s all I’m allowed to say before Shadow cuffs me across the face, sending a flickering of white anger behind my lids.
I clamp my eyes shut.
“He isn’t coming for you. By now he’s bled to death.”
Tears pool in my eyes. They sting. Not as bad as the crippling, gut-twisting bite in my chest. The kind that sets fire to everything inside of me and makes me want to give up and die. Here I am—at Shadow’s mercy, while Logan could be bleeding to death.
No, I refuse to believe it. Gabe would make sure he, or Lane, anyone, got to Logan as soon as they could. Logan might be hurt; he isn’t dead like Shadow wants me to think.
“You’re a liar, a woman beater, a rapist and when Logan finds you, you’ll be the one who dies. Logan. Logan Logan.” I screech his name over and over — the rope pulling my arms taut as I squirm to get free.
Gathering up as much saliva in my dry mouth as I can. I rear my head back and spit in his face. I might be tied up, but I refuse to back down.
Smirking, he shakes his head, reaches up and swipes my spit onto his finger and shoves it in his mouth.
Nausea rolls, and I gag.
This time I flinch when he grips hold of my chin, his mouth hovering over mine. “That mouth of yours is pushing my buttons. Shut your mouth. Where’s my money, Ellie? Do you have it? Does Renita, Norah? How about little Lexi? I want it; it’s mine the same as you are.”
Terror bursts in my throat. It erupts with so much ugliness that I try to think of something else to stop my brain from firing off.
Shadow’s mouth slams down on mine, his other hand grabbing my ass and pulling me into his body. It isn’t on instinct that makes me bite down on his lip; it’s the vile thought of his mouth touching the place that belongs to Logan.
Laughing, he steps back and releases me, and all I can do is watch the blood drip down his chin.
“Nice, you’ve gotten feisty on me. You can fight all you want. I know you are scared out of your ever-loving mind. It’ll be all the more fun when I fuck you.” His tongue sweeps across his lips as he rubs his hands down the back of my thighs.
I’m not here. I’m not, I chant over and over to myself.
I want to fall back into blackness so I can hide for good this time, but I know that I can’t because the only way to beat evil is to outsmart it and through the fog that is my mind, I’ll figure out a way to escape if it’s the last thing I do.
God, please help me find the strength to deal with this cold-hearted truth. The kind that deprives you of your best life and replaces it with crippling reality.
“You’ll never know if Logan is dead or not because you’re not getting away from me this time. I have you, Ellie, and I’m going to control you and take what I want. Defy me, mouth off to me, and I’ll take this before your body is ready to give it to me.” He cups me between my legs — revulsion tugs on my stomach.
I watch in horror as Shadow’s features change to vicious in a matter of seconds. “You will beg for mercy, Ellie, you will tell me where my money is, and you’ll answer every question I ask, or when I return, I’ll make you. I was hoping not to have to do this because I want you to suffer the same as I did all the years we were a part, but you woke too soon.” He lifts a syringe, and a jolt of panic shoots through my body.
“No.” My feet fly up and aim for his crotch, he’s too fast. The needle hits the side of my neck, and my body instantly goes lax. There’s no more pain. My mind though, it’s pulling memories from a locked box and placing them at the forefront of my vision.
I jolt when bright lights shine in my face. Reality hits me in a place that could never heal.
My broken heart.
I tried to see in the dark, squinting my eyes, looking for a sign of light, but the only thing I see is the monster who stole my innocence.
He looms over me with sharp fangs and evil in his eyes.
“Baby girl, you need to let the doctor look at you. They need pictures; they need to check you over. Norah and I are right here, Ellie. We won’t leave your side.”
Renita’s voice scarcely passes over the recollection of Shadow’s merciless laughter pounding through my skull. I could still smell him on me and taste his fingers on my lips where he’d silenced my pleas.
I was never going to be able to wash his stench off of me. I was never going to be the same.
I wanted to die.
The air suddenly felt heavy, sluggish. I tried and successfully let my mind slither away.
But it didn’t go to a happy dream. It went straight to my nightmare.
Blood saturated my legs, arms, and face. The pain between my thighs burned as if someone set it on fire. It hurt so badly I could barely catch my breath as I crawled home.
I’m going to be lost in a nightmare forever and always reliving what Shadow did to me. How could I have not seen it coming?
I trembled as images of Shadow passed through my mind, only to stop, snarl, and promise I belonged to him now.
A possession he was going to come back to claim.
I shuffled farther into blackness, so far into the crevice I didn’t ever want to be found.
Once I crept out; every exit was blocked by Shadow, who was going to haunt me, chase me and back me right back into the corner. He’ll crouch and wait until the time is right to snatch me and rape me again.
I wanted to be back in my little corner and be me.
I needed to run and hide somewhere else, and I wondered how bottomless the darkness was going to get before I saw the slightest shimmer of light. How far into it I could escape before Shadow found me.
Every day blurred into the next. Every month, every year.
I felt like a distortion of who I once was, not wanting to find my way back. Every dream was a nightmare, and I tried clearing my mind of it because I deserved a future. I deserved to be hap
py.
I deserved to fulfill my dreams.
“Ellie, please, honey. You need to wake up. The doctors and nurses need to speak to you. They need to run tests and clean you up. Let them, please.”
My eyes sprung open, and that’s when I saw Shadow instead of a doctor or nurse. He was looming and hovering and waiting above me. He was going to grab me again.
I had to run.
All I could see was him and the way I shivered and shook and screamed when his rancid breath hit my neck, stubby fingers yanking my underwear off me and cupping me between my legs.
“She’s crying; please give her a minute to calm down or something to ease her panic. I have you, Ellie. Go ahead and cry.” Norah started wiping away my tears. Holding my hand and telling me I was going to be okay.
I sobbed. I tried stopping; I tried so hard to be strong. I didn’t want my ears to hear my sobs knowing Shadow had the power over me as he tore my dress and panties and slammed into me. I wanted to fall into a peaceful dream. To pretend this wasn’t real, that the man I feared and did my best to avoid hadn’t taken the most sacred thing from me and left scars that would last the rest of my life.
But I heard. I heard everything from the attack blaring through my ears and embedding in my brain.
I heard my body being ripped open as I listened to Shadow’s laughter and those god-awful grunts. All I could do was take it as I pinched my eyes closed, imagining the look of satisfaction on his face. This was one time I didn’t want my imagination to run away; I didn’t want this to be real.
But it was.
I didn’t want to cry anymore. Crying reminds me that tears filled my eyes and spilled down my cheeks as Shadow rammed into me with a brutality that I felt everywhere. When he was done, he became angry, and I kept my eyes closed as he turned me onto my back, lifted me in the air and beat me until my noodle-like legs gave out and I tumbled to the ground, my head flopping like a broken doll.
I want to forget.
“Shh, the quicker they do their job, the faster I can get you home,” Renita says, pushing my hair out of my face.
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