The Day I Lost You: A totally gripping psychological thriller

by Alex Sinclair

“I can’t lose my position at the firm,” he said. “I’ve invested too much there to throw it all away now. I need to continue to provide for the future.”

  His words only served to enrage me, so I sent him back. I didn’t want that around Alice. He’d been all too concerned about Alice’s welfare when I was pregnant. Now that she was here, the reality of caring for a newborn hit him hard. He thought he could give his daughter what she needed by working as much as possible. It felt like a path of abandonment to me, so I did what I could to shield her from his BS in the short term.

  The nurses I spoke to over the phone couldn’t tell me why Alice wouldn’t sleep. All I knew was how dangerous not getting enough shut-eye was for her development. As a result, I failed to take care of myself. All of my energy went into Alice, but I didn’t seem to have enough.

  I would go from feeling angry and full of resentment toward Michael, to a complete state of nothingness. The empty numbness was worse than the anger. At least anger was an emotion. Feeling dead inside when you thought about your husband was not how this was all supposed to go. Was his doctor right about me? Back then, I swung between being overwhelmed with pressure to feeling utterly alone. Most days I was alone.

  Michael would leave early in the morning to get away from me. I was tasked with keeping our newborn alive, despite the condition he believed I had. Sure, I had tough days like any new mother did, but I wasn’t depressed. I couldn’t be. I did whatever was needed to care for Alice.

  After what felt like one particularly long morning, Michael came home for lunch at around one, as promised. He was going to spend an hour with his family before heading back to work, away from me.

  “How is everything going?” he asked as gently as he could as he approached me on the couch. Alice was crying in her bassinet.

  Michael was tiptoeing around me like I was poisonous. I couldn’t help my answer. It all came out in a ball of fire. “Why do you care?”

  “I’m just asking. You don’t have to bite my head off.”

  “Are you serious?” I asked. “You keep telling me that I need help, that I’m in no condition to look after my Bunny, but where are you?”

  “Erika, please.”

  “No. Tell me. Where are you every day?” I yelled.

  Michael stared at me for a long time, while my nostrils flared wide with anger.

  “I have to work,” he said.

  “Work,” I repeated. “Where you’d rather be, instead of supporting me through my supposed condition.”

  “Erika, please. My doctor—”

  “Your doctor is full of shit. All he ever tells me is how worthless I am as a mother. Do you have any idea how insulting and painful his advice is?”

  “No, but if you try listening to his advice, it will help. I promise you.”

  I shook my head at him. “No, Michael. Just go. Go back to your precious fucking law firm and be where you want to be.” I rolled away from him on the couch, out of sight. Alice continued to wail for attention. I gently rocked the bassinet back and forward. She eased up a little, but not enough to actually stop.

  “I don’t want to be there. Not when things are this bad.”

  “Then why can’t you take some more time off?”

  “You know why. I’d lose my standing at the firm. If I lose that, we lose this apartment.”

  “I couldn’t give a shit about this apartment. I never wanted it in the first place.”

  Alice’s cry rang out, even louder than before. My yelling was making things worse, but Michael was provoking me.

  “Thanks a lot,” I said, as I bent down over the bassinet and scooped Alice up into my hands. “There, there, Bunny. It’s okay.” I tried to calm her crying with gentle shushing, but Alice wouldn’t stop.

  Michael walked over to me and held out his hands. “Can I hold her?”

  I felt a slight bit of caution at his request. He was the father of our child, yet I felt anxious letting him anywhere near Alice. I shouldn’t have that reaction.

  I placed her in his arms and watched as he cradled her with genuine love. Love he only had for my daughter. I saw pain and anguish flow through his eyes. Did he actually care about her? He turned his body away from me too quickly.

  “What are you doing?” I asked.

  “I’m taking Bunny away from you.”

  “What do you mean? You can’t take her.”

  He backed up a few steps, his eyes wide. He glanced around the apartment as if he was about to bolt out of the door with Alice in his hands.

  “You need a few hours away from each other. I’ll look after her so you can get some rest. Sound good?”

  “Don’t you have to work?”

  “Yeah,” he said, “but I’ll get my assistant to look after her.”

  I stared at the ground for a moment and shook my head. “No. I have to be with her. I have to. All the books say so. The mother should be as close to the baby at all times during the first six months. And I don’t want some stranger holding her. You can’t take her from me.”

  I held out my hands for him to return Alice. He hesitated. I saw his gaze flick around the room. What was going on inside that head? I didn’t have the time or the energy to work out what Michael was trying to achieve, so I grabbed Alice from him.

  “I’m trying to help you, Erika. Clearly, you need it,” he said, gesturing toward Alice.

  “It’s too late for you to help us,” I said. “Just go back to work. We don’t need you.” I spun away and placed Alice back in her bassinet. She cried straight away; the sound sent a shudder down my spine.

  “Forget this,” he muttered.

  I scoffed at Michael’s ridiculous offer for someone else to take care of Alice for him. He thought he could just go out there and make a lot of money to hire people to come in and take care of Alice, but I didn’t want aid from strangers. I wanted it from the loving husband that Michael should have been.

  I didn’t turn to face him. Instead, I hoped that he would see the damage he was doing to me with his doctors and their intentionally false diagnosis. Why was this happening?

  When I heard the sound of the front door closing with a bang, I knew a significant moment in our marriage had passed. It was the beginning of the end, the mark of what was to come.

  Alice cried harder than before, her wails spiraling into my brain. I got up and tried to calm her down. I lifted her out of the bassinet and tried everything, but she wouldn’t stop for a single second. She could sense the anguish pulsating through my veins and reacted accordingly. I placed her gently back down and felt my temples flare with pain.

  I screamed out loud as I gripped my skull and fell back to the floor, not caring where I landed. How did things get this way? How had I become the world’s worst mother? A wife that drove her husband out the door? They would both be better off without me. Michael had convinced me of that.

  Suddenly, Alice’s cries softened and faded into the background. I swiveled around and rose from the ground. I slowly walked for the front door as Alice continued to moan behind me. She tried to scream louder, but was drowned by the deafening static that filled my head.

  I continued to the front door and unlocked it. Michael thought he could just walk out of there, so I did too. After all, I wasn’t a good mother, according to his doctors.

  I shuffled, dead on my feet, out of the apartment, and didn’t bother to lock the door. As I made my way down the corridor toward a maintenance door, I no longer heard Alice screaming. I didn’t hear anything.

  The next thing I knew, I was on the roof. I never thought I could get up there, but I found a way through a poorly locked door to the tall rooftop. I crept to the edge and climbed up on the brickwork. I stared down at the street below me as it begged for us to meet, to become one, to end my pain.

  Was this what he wanted?

  Was this what was best for us all?

  I hovered one foot out, letting my center of gravity tip forward, closer to death, closer to the last moment of my life. I h
ad always wondered about the final thought a person had before they ended it all. Did they think about their greatest regrets? Did they think about all of the things they had failed to achieve?

  Only one thought came into my head at that moment: Alice. Her cries for help took over.

  I pulled myself in abruptly and fell backward onto the hard rooftop as I once again heard the screams in the back of my head. “Alice,” I said out loud. She needed me. I couldn’t ease my pain knowing she was here in this world alone.

  I rushed back down and into the apartment before anyone could see what I had just tried to do. I locked the front door and rushed to the bassinet to scoop up my Bunny. I held her close and made a promise there and then never to leave her.

  Twenty-Seven

  Now

  I run for the front door of Michael’s apartment, knowing exactly where I need to go and how to access the roof of the building. I’ve been there before. It seems silly that a large apartment on the Upper West Side could feel small, but it did. I had hated living here. It closed in on me quite regularly, until I had no choice but to escape its walls.

  I push through an access door I know is unlocked and double back along a service tunnel to some steps I doubt the residents of Stonework Village know exists. I should have looked here sooner given who has taken Alice. I picture Desmond dragging my Bunny through here and use that image to push myself forward. The stairs take me up to the roof of the building, which is protected by a poorly locked door with a warning sign that fails to turn me around. I see that maintenance hasn’t fixed the doorframe, and I push the barely secured door open with little effort.

  The roof is the perfect place for a kidnapper to hide a child. I don’t know why I didn’t think of it earlier. I pour out onto the blazingly cold roof space and dart my head left and right to seek out Desmond.

  I run around the area, bracing myself against the chill of the wind at this height. I gaze up and see several rusted water towers standing tall above, reaching into the sky. The age of the building is far more apparent up here than inside, where cosmetic work is continually being done to give the residents the impression that Stonework Village isn’t as old as they think.

  I rush from one side of the roof to the other. AC units and vents line the way with obstacles and trip hazards. I check the small storage room, but the only hiding place on the roof of the building is empty.

  “Dammit,” I yell. I twist my fingers into my hair and pull. I was positive that I would find them here. I’m fast running out of places in the building he could have taken her.

  I find myself by the edge of the building with both hands planted firmly on the side of the brickwork, which reaches just above my hips. It wouldn’t be hard for a person to fall off the roof. I guess people were a bit shorter when this building was first constructed.

  As my hands rest on the cold surface, painful memories cloud my brain. I falter and move back a few paces as I feel my hands reach for my head again and grip tight. “No,” I let out. I move away from the edge and feel the pain clear up the further back I go. Though I once came up here and considered doing something so reckless it would have changed Alice’s world forever, the woman who thought about doing the unthinkable wasn’t me. I could never do something so final now. Not while Alice needs me.

  I push the apprehension away and stay on the task at hand. Alice isn’t here, and I need to move forward to the next possible place Desmond might have taken her. But where is that?

  “Excuse me,” a voice calls out from behind. “What are you doing up here?”

  I almost jump out of my skin when I spin around to see a maintenance man staring at me, confusion clear in his expression.

  “Well? What are you doing up here? This area is off limits to the residents. Surely you saw the signs?”

  I am about to ask him if he has seen my little girl, but something stops me. What if he is friends with Desmond or Alan? “I’m sorry. I did see the signs,” I confess. “I just like to come up here for the fresh air, you know?” It’s the first lie I can think of.

  The man in coveralls holds his ground and his gaze. His shoulders are tense and ready to do whatever is necessary to keep me out of this forbidden area. Who is he?

  “I’m sorry,” I repeat. “I’ll go.”

  “No, it’s fine,” he says, as his shoulders drop. “You can stay. It’s not like you could do much harm up here.”

  I let out a sigh of relief, as quietly as I can. “Thank you.”

  He steps toward me. “I’m Gus, by the way. Head of maintenance.”

  Head of maintenance? Is this the man Henry has searching the building? I realize Gus is staring at me, waiting for a response. “Erika,” I say.

  “Which level do you live on, Erika?”

  The question makes me scream on the inside. I want to know if he’s seen Alice or not, but at the same time, I don’t know if I can trust him. What should I tell him? I begin to panic. “Level fourteen. Apartment 1402.”

  “One of the building’s few top-floor owners, huh?” I can hear the disdain barely hidden in his voice. It’s obvious he hates serving the elite of New York for a living. I can’t say that I blame him. His efforts must go unappreciated at the best of times. The people that live at the top expect everything to always work. They throw money at their problems. It’s the only way they know how to fix a complication.

  I watch as Gus pulls out a pack of cigarettes. “Do you mind?” he asks, as he places a smoke in his mouth.

  “No,” I say, shaking my head. “Be my guest.” I need to continue searching for Alice, but I also need to know if Gus has found any clues as to her whereabouts. In the same frustrating moment, I don’t want this man to think I’m up to no good and follow me. I have no idea what to do.

  Gus lights up and draws in a long breath of the deadly smoke. He closes his eyes when he exhales, enjoying that brief moment when his brain rewards him for giving in to his craving. It won’t last long.

  “Want one?” he offers.

  “No, thanks. Never touch the things.”

  “Smart lady. In today’s age, it’s getting harder and harder to find a place that will let you smoke. I’m technically not allowed to do it on site—roof included. I’m supposed to go thirty feet away from the building. I don’t see what the problem is if I’m up on the roof. Damn company policy.”

  “It’s just the way things are, I guess. Maybe you should quit.” I shake my head as I hear the words come out of my mouth. I sound awkward.

  He stares at me through squinted eyes as he takes another drag on his cigarette. “Yeah, maybe I should. After all, a top-floor resident such as yourself would know best, right?”

  I try to decipher as quickly as I can what he means by that before I respond. “No, don’t listen to me. What would I know?”

  “Obviously more than me, right? I mean, how else can you afford to live in a place like this?”

  I feel sick saying these words, but I hope they shut him up. “My husband is quite successful. I’m a nobody. I just married the right person, I guess.”

  “Well, not much I can do about that, is there? My wife is a schoolteacher. She may not be rich like your husband, but I love her more than anything else in the world.”

  “That’s nice to hear.” I can see that he genuinely loves his wife. I doubt I will ever have that kind of relationship again in my life. The only person I truly care for anymore is Alice, and I need to get rid of this guy before Desmond slips away.

  “Anyway,” I say, “I should probably head back down.”

  He nods as he takes a final drag on the cigarette, as intensely as if it were his last smoke. “Gotta keep that husband of yours happy.”

  “Something like that,” I say, as I head for the door.

  “How long have you lived here?” he asks the back of my head. His question stops me short of the only exit off the roof. Luckily, he can’t see my gobsmacked face as I try to think of a suitable answer.

  I turn around and see Gu
s waiting for a response with one raised brow. “About four years.”

  He purses his lips and nods his head. “Four years, huh? I suppose you would have been here when we had the big fire.”

  I keep my reaction contained as I absorb his words, trying to determine if he is trying to catch me out in a lie. This has to be a test. I know it.

  “Yes, it was a scary day, from what I remember.” I point toward the door. “I’m sorry, but I really need to get going.”

  “Oh, don’t let me hold you up,” he says.

  I let out a quiet breath as I head for the door again.

  “Of course, I am a bit curious now, because I was under the impression that the resident in 1402 was a single man. Oh, and another thing, there’s never been a big fire in the building.”

  I freeze on the spot, knowing I’m screwed. Gus will have no choice but to drag me out of the building.

  The head of maintenance closes the gap on me. “Just who are you, really, and what are you doing up here?”

  Twenty-Eight

  I stare at Gus as he repeats his question. “Who are you?” His words seem to play on a loop as I stumble away, knocking into the door through which I was trying to escape.

  Gus moves in closer, flicking his cigarette into the wind. He grabs me by the shoulders before I topple over. “Are you okay?”

  I regain my footing and gently push his hands off of me. “I’m fine, thank you.”

  “What happened just now?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I got a bit dizzy or something.”

  “Okay. But dizzy or not, you still haven’t answered my question. Who are you? Really? You can’t be married to Michael Walls. He lives in 1402 on his own. He has for a few years now. Are you his girlfriend or something?”

  I don’t know what to say. Do I give him the truth? Do I tell him a bunch of lies? All I want to do is locate Desmond and save Alice from Michael and his schemes.

  “Well? You’ve got about three seconds before I have no option but to throw you out of this building. There’s a lot going on here today.”