Sixty-Five Short Stories

by Somerset William Maugham

  But the fourth at bridge continued to be the difficulty. This person played like a fool, the other was so slow that it drove you frantic, one was quarrelsome, another was a bad loser, a third was next door to a crook. It was strange how hard it was to find exactly the player you wanted.

  One morning when they were sitting in pyjamas on the terrace overlooking the sea, drinking their tea (without milk or sugar) and eating a rusk prepared by Dr Hudebert and guaranteed not to be fattening, Frank looked up from her letters.

  'Lena Finch is coming down to the Riviera,' she said.

  'Who's she?' asked Arrow.

  'She married a cousin of mine. He died a couple of months ago and she's just recovering from a nervous breakdown. What about asking her to come here for a fortnight?'

  'Does she play bridge?' asked Beatrice.

  'You bet your life she does,' boomed Frank in her deep voice. 'And a damned good game too. We should be absolutely independent of outsiders.'

  'How old is she?' asked Arrow.

  'Same age as I am.'

  'That sounds all right.'

  It was settled. Frank, with her usual decisiveness, stalked out as soon as she had finished her breakfast to send a wire, and three days later Lena Finch arrived. Frank met her at the station. She was in deep but not obtrusive mourning for the recent death of her husband. Frank had not seen her for two years. She kissed her warmly and took a good look at her.

  'You're very thin, darling,' she said.

  Lena smiled bravely.

  'I've been through a good deal lately. I've lost a lot of weight.'

  Frank sighed, but whether from sympathy with her cousin's sad loss, or from envy, was not obvious.

  Lena was not, however, depressed, and after a quick bath was quite ready to accompany Frank to Eden Roc. Frank introduced the stranger to her two friends and they sat down in what was known as the Monkey House. It was an enclosure covered with glass overlooking the sea, with a bar at the back, and it was crowded with chattering people in bathing costumes, pyjamas, or dressing-gowns, who were seated at the tables having drinks. Beatrice's soft heart went out to the lorn window, and Arrow, seeing that she was pale, quite ordinary to look at, and probably forty-eight, was prepared to like her very much. A waiter approached them.

  'What will you have, Lena dear?' Frank asked.

  'Oh, I don't know, what you all have, a dry Martini or a White Lady.'

  Arrow and Beatrice gave her a quick look. Everyone knows how fattening cocktails are.

  'I daresay you're tired after your journey,' said Frank kindly.

  She ordered a dry Martini for Lena and a mixed lemon and orange juice for herself and her two friends.

  'We find alcohol isn't very good in all this heat,' she explained.

  'Oh, it never affects me at all,' Lena answered airily. 'I like cocktails.'

  Arrow went very slightly pale under her rouge (neither she nor Beatrice ever wet their faces when they bathed and they thought it absurd of Frank, a woman of her size, to pretend she liked diving) but she said nothing. The conversation was gay and easy, they all said the obvious things with gusto, and presently they strolled back to the villa for luncheon.

  In each napkin were two little antifat rusks. Lena gave a bright smile as she put them by the side of her plate.

  'May I have some bread?' she asked.

  The grossest indecency would not have fallen on the ears of those three women with such a shock. Not one of them had eaten bread for ten years. Even Beatrice, greedy as she was, drew the line there. Frank, the good hostess, recovered herself first.

  'Of course, darling,' she said and turning to the butler asked him to bring some.

  'And some butter,' said Lena in that pleasant easy way of hers.

  There was a moment's embarrassed silence.

  'I don't know if there's any in the house,' said Frank, 'but I'll inquire. There may be some in the kitchen.'

  'I adore bread and butter, don't you?' said Lena, turning to Beatrice.

  Beatrice gave a sickly smile and an evasive reply. The butler brought a long crisp roll of French bread. Lena slit it in two and plastered it with the butter which was miraculously produced. A grilled sole was served.

  'We eat very simply here,' said Frank. 'I hope you won't mind.'

  'Oh, no, I like my food very plain,' said Lena as she took some butter and spread it over her fish. 'As long as I can have bread and butter and potatoes and cream I'm quite happy.'

  The three friends exchanged a glance. Frank's great sallow face sagged a little and she looked with distaste at the dry, insipid sole on her plate. Beatrice came to the rescue.

  'It's such a bore, we can't get cream here,' she said. 'It's one of the things one has to do without on the Riviera.'

  'What a pity,' said Lena.

  The rest of the luncheon consisted of lamb cutlets, with the fat carefully removed so that Beatrice should not be led astray, and spinach boiled in water, with stewed pears to end up with. Lena tasted her pears and gave the butler a look of inquiry. That resourceful man understood her at once and though powdered sugar had never been served at that table before handed her without a moment's hesitation a bowl of it. She helped herself liberally. The other three pretended not to notice. Coffee was served and Lena took three lumps of sugar in hers.

  'You have a very sweet tooth,' said Arrow in a tone which she struggled to keep friendly.

  'We think saccharine so much more sweetening,' said Frank, as she put a tiny tablet of it into her coffee.

  'Disgusting stuff,' said Lena.

  Beatrice's mouth drooped at the corners, and she gave the lump sugar a yearning look.

  'Beatrice,' boomed Frank sternly.

  Beatrice stifled a sigh, and reached for the saccharine.

  Frank was relieved when they could sit down to the bridge table. It was plain to her that Arrow and Beatrice were upset. She wanted them to like Lena and she was anxious that Lena should enjoy her fortnight with them. For the first rubber Arrow cut with the newcomer.

  'Do you play Vanderbilt or Culbertson?' she asked her.

  'I have no conventions,' Lena answered in a happy-go-lucky way, 'I play by the light of nature.'

  'I play strict Culbertson,' said Arrow acidly.

  The three fat women braced themselves to the fray. No conventions indeed! They'd learn her. When it came to bridge even Frank's family feeling was forgotten and she settled down with the same determination as the others to trim the stranger in their midst. But the light of nature served Lena very well. She had a natural gift for the game and great experience. She played with imagination, quickly, boldly, and with assurance. The other players were in too high a class not to realize very soon that Lena knew what she was about, and since they were all thoroughly good-natured, generous women, they were gradually mollified. This was real bridge. They all enjoyed themselves. Arrow and Beatrice began to feel more kindly towards Lena, and Frank, noticing this, heaved a fat sigh of relief. It was going to be a success.

  After a couple of hours they parted, Frank and Beatrice to have a round of golf, and Arrow to take a brisk walk with a young Prince Roccamare whose acquaintance she had lately made. He was very sweet and young and good-looking. Lena said she would rest.

  They met again just before dinner.

  'I hope you've been all right, Lena dear,' said Frank. 'I was rather conscience-stricken at leaving you with nothing to do all this time.'

  'Oh, don't apologize. I had a lovely sleep and then I went down to Juan and had a cocktail. And d'you know what I discovered? You'll be so pleased. I found a dear little tea-shop where they've got the most beautiful thick fresh cream. I've ordered half a pint to be sent every day. I thought it would be my little contribution to the household.'

  Her eyes were shining. She was evidently expecting them to be delighted.

  'How very kind of you,' said Frank, with a look that sought to quell the indignation that she saw on the faces of her two friends. 'But we never eat cream. In this clima
te it makes one so bilious.'

  'I shall have to eat it all myself then,' said Lena cheerfully.

  'Don't you ever think of your figure?' Arrow asked with icy deliberation.

  'The doctor said I must eat.'

  'Did he say you must eat bread and butter and potatoes and cream?'

  'Yes. That's what I thought you meant when you said you had simple food.'

  'You'll get simply enormous,' said Beatrice. Lena laughed gaily.

  'No, I shan't. You see, nothing ever makes me fat. I've always eaten everything I wanted to and it's never had the slightest effect on me.'

  The stony silence that followed this speech was only broken by the entrance of the butler.

  'Mademoiselle est servie,' he announced.

  They talked the matter over late that night, after Lena had gone to bed, in Frank's room. During the evening they had been furiously cheerful, and they had chaffed one another with a friendliness that would have taken in the keenest observer. But now they dropped the mask. Beatrice was sullen, Arrow was spiteful and Frank was unmanned.

  'It's not very nice for me to sit there and see her eat all the things I particularly like,' said Beatrice plaintively.

  'It's not very nice for any of us,' Frank snapped back.

  'You should never have asked her here,' said Arrow.

  'How was I to know?' cried Frank.

  'I can't help thinking that if she really cared for her husband she would hardly eat so much.' said Beatrice. 'He's only been buried two months. I mean, I think you ought to show some resect for the dead.'

  'Why can't she eat the same as we do?' asked Arrow viciously. 'She's a guest.'

  'Well, you heard what she said. The doctor told her she must eat.'

  'Then she ought to go to a sanatorium.'

  'It's more than flesh and blood can stand, Frank,' moaned Beatrice. 'If I can stand it you can stand it.'

  'She's your cousin, she's not our cousin,' said Arrow. 'I'm not going to sit there for fourteen days and watch that woman make a hog of herself.'

  'It's so vulgar to attach all this importance to food,' Frank boomed, and her voice was deeper than ever. 'After all the only thing that counts really is spirit.'

  'Are you calling me vulgar, Frank?' asked Arrow with flashing eyes.

  'No, of course she isn't,' interrupted Beatrice.

  'I wouldn't put it past you to go down in the kitchen when we're all in bed and have a good square meal on the sly.'

  Frank sprang to her feet.

  'How dare you say that, Arrow! I'd never ask anybody to do what I'm not prepared to do myself. Have you known me all these years and do you think me capable of such a mean thing?'

  'How is it you never take off any weight then?'

  Frank gave a gasp and burst into a flood of tears.

  'What a cruel thing to say! I've lost pounds and pounds.'

  She wept like a child. Her vast body shook and great tears splashed on her mountainous bosom.

  'Darling, I didn't mean it,' cried Arrow.

  She threw herself on her knees and enveloped what she could of Frank in her own plump arms. She wept and the mascara ran down her cheeks.

  'D'you mean to say I don't look thinner?' Frank sobbed. 'After all I've gone through.'

  'Yes, dear, of course you do,' cried Arrow through her tears. 'Everybody's noticed it.'

  Beatrice, though naturally of a placid disposition, began to cry gently. It was very pathetic. Indeed, it would have been a hard heart that failed to be moved by the sight of Frank, that lion-hearted woman, crying her eyes out. Presently, however, they dried their tears and had a little brandy and water, which every doctor had told them was the least fattening thing they could drink, and then they felt much better. They decided that Lena should have the nourishing food that had been ordered her and they made a solemn resolution not to let it disturb their equanimity. She was certainly a first-rate bridge player and after all it was only for a fortnight. They would do whatever they could to make her stay enjoyable. They kissed one another warmly and separated for the night feeling strangely uplifted. Nothing should interfere with the wonderful friendship that had brought so much happiness into their three lives.

  But human nature is weak. You must not ask too much of it. They ate grilled fish while Lena ate macaroni sizzling with cheese and butter; they ate grilled cutlets and boiled spinach while Lena ate pГўtГ© de foie gras; twice a week they ate hard-boiled eggs and raw tomatoes, while Lena ate peas swimming in cream and potatoes cooked in all sorts of delicious ways. The chef was a good chef and he leapt at the opportunity afforded him to send up one dish more rich, tasty and succulent than the other.

  'Poor Jim,' sighed Lena, thinking of her husband, 'he loved French cooking.'

  The butler disclosed the fact that he could make half a dozen kinds of cocktail and Lena informed them that the doctor had recommended her to drink burgundy at luncheon and champagne at dinner. The three fat women persevered. They were gay, chatty and even hilarious (such is the natural gift that women have for deception) but Beatrice grew limp and forlorn, and Arrow's tender blue eyes acquired a steely glint. Frank's deep voice grew more raucous. It was when they played bridge that the strain showed itself. They had always been fond of talking over their hands, but their discussion had been friendly. Now a distinct bitterness crept in and sometimes one pointed out a mistake to another with quite unnecessary frankness. Discussion turned to argument and argument to altercation. Sometimes the session ended in angry silence. Once Frank accused Arrow of deliberately letting her down. Two or three times Beatrice, the softest of the three, was reduced to tears. On another occasion Arrow flung down her cards and swept out of the room in a pet. Their tempers were getting frayed. Lena was the peacemaker.

  'I think it's such a pity to quarrel over bridge,' she said. 'After all, it's only a game.'

  It was all very well for her. She had had a square meal and half a bottle of champagne. Besides, she had phenomenal luck. She was winning all their money. The score was put down in a book after each session, and hers mounted up day after day with unfailing regularity. Was there no justice in the world? They began to hate one another. And though they hated her too they could not resist confiding in her. Each of them went to her separately and told her how detestable the others were. Arrow said she was sure it was bad for her to see so much of women so much older than herself. She had a good mind to sacrifice her share of the lease and go to Venice for the rest of the summer. Frank told Lena that with her masculine mind it was too much to expect that she could be satisfied with anyone so frivolous as Arrow and so frankly stupid as Beatrice.

  'I must have intellectual conversation,' she boomed. 'When you have a brain like mine you've got to consort with your intellectual equals.'

  Beatrice only wanted peace and quiet.

  'Really I hate women,' she said. 'They're so unreliable; they're so malicious.'

  By the time Lena's fortnight drew to its close the three fat women were barely on speaking terms. They kept up appearances before Lena, but when she was not there made no pretences. They had got past quarrelling. They ignored one another, and when this was not possible treated each other with icy politeness.

  Lena was going to stay with friends on the Italian Riviera and Frank saw her off by the same train as that by which she had arrived. She was taking away with her a lot of their money.

  'I don't know how to thank you,' she said, as she got into the carriage. 'I've had a wonderful visit.'

  If there was one thing that Frank Hickson prided herself on more than on being a match for any man it was that she was a gentlewoman, and her reply was perfect in its combination of majesty and graciousness.

  'We've all enjoyed having you here, Lena,' she said. 'It's been a real treat.'

  But when she turned away from the departing train she heaved such a vast sigh of relief that the platform shook beneath her. She flung back her massive shoulders and strode home to the villa.

  'Ouf' she roared at inte
rvals. 'Ouf'

  She changed into her one-piece bathing-suit, put on her espadrilles and a man's dressing-gown (no nonsense about it), and went to Eden Roc. There was still time for a bathe before luncheon. She passed through the Monkey House, looking about her to say good morning to anyone she knew, for she felt on a sudden at peace with mankind, and then stopped dead still. She could not believe her eyes. Beatrice was sitting at one of the tables, by herself; she wore the pyjamas she had bought at Molyneux's a day or two before, she had a string of pearls round her neck, and Frank's quick eyes saw that she had just had her hair waved; her cheeks, her eyes, her lips were made up. Fat, nay vast, as she was, none could deny that she was an extremely handsome woman. But what was she doing? With the slouching gait of the Neanderthal man which was Frank's characteristic walk she went up to Beatrice. In her black bathing-dress Frank looked like the huge cetacean which the Japanese catch in the Torres Straits and which the vulgar call a sea-cow.