by J. M. Adele
“Har-de-har, smart-arse.” I couldn’t stop the blush. Stupid gumnut.
“Swear jar!” Will stretched on his toes as he cried out.
Ugh. I glared at my little brother before I gave him and Bree a hug. Why did my most embarrassing moments have to happen in front of Ben? Was it some scheme the universe employed to turn him off?
I spun around to Lee’s sister, willing the heat to drain from my cheeks. “Hi.”
“Andy, this is Tish. Tish, this is Andy.” Lee waved his hand between the two of us before turning to his sister. “Now you can stop bugging me to introduce you.”
“I wasn’t bugging you,” she grumbled.
They launched into a squabble as I snuck a peek at Ben. He tousled Adam’s hair while his brother tried to fight him off. My heart did somersaults, as if he’d plunged his hand inside my ribcage to tousle my heartstrings.
Clearing my throat again, I interrupted Lee and Tish’s argument. “Lovely to meet you.”
Flustered, she clamped her mouth shut and looked away, huffing.
“Do you like to dance, Tish?”
She shrugged. “Maybe. I don’t know.”
“Ooh, you should come. It’s fun.” Bree bounced on her heels, dark blonde curls bouncing.
My friends echoed her sentiment, talking over the top of each other.
“Come and watch our class tonight.” I hooked a thumb in my friends’ direction. “This is Pauline, Kate, and Jess. We dance every Tuesday and Friday afternoon. Bree’s class is on Friday before ours.” My eyes flicked to Ben again. He wasn’t paying any attention. At all.
The fragile dreams I’d constructed from fleeting things like a glance or a smile vaporised into nothing. The fire inside me dimmed to a flicker. It didn’t go out completely, though. There was something there. I couldn’t shake this soul-deep knowing. I wasn’t sure if I believed in God, but I thought maybe we’d met for a reason. The only thing I knew for sure was that it would drive me nuts if I kept thinking about it.
I turned to the girls. “Guys, these are Spewart’s friends, Bradlee and Ben.” My throat clamped on his name and I had to cough. “And Ben’s brother, Adam.”
“Hi.” Lee leaned forward, shaking all their hands.
What a gentleman. I loved him. He gave me the warm and fuzzies.
Ben, on the other hand, he gave me the hot and heavies. He just nodded as his brother tugged on his shirt, Adam’s attention aimed down the street.
Time to go. “Well, it was lovely to meet you, Tish. We might see you tonight. Or at a game sometime.”
“I can’t come tonight, but I’ll definitely come say hi at the next game.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
A silver Volvo pulled up to the curb. I hadn’t registered that the tingle on the back of my neck had stopped until the car arrived and the sensation returned with a vengeance. My shoulders jerked as a shiver raced down my spine. What the heck is going on today?
“Here’s mum. Come on, midget. Gotta go.” Lee opened the back door for his little sister before hopping in the front.
Midget. Cute.
“We’d better go, too. See you in dance.” Pauline strode off with Kate and Jess, waving as they went.
“Bye.” I spun back and smiled at Bree. “You ready?”
She nodded.
I tapped Will on the shoulder. “Mr Matey?”
His grin vanished. “You said you wouldn’t call me that anymore.”
Shit. “Aargh, sorry. I forgot.”
Adam snorted. “Mr Matey.”
Ben tapped the back of Adam’s head. “Don’t start, bug.”
“Bug?” Will laughed. “Bug!”
I rolled my eyes. Jeez, eight-year-old boys. “Okay, okay. Enough. Let’s go.”
Ben stepped beside me. “Do you mind if we walk together? Your dad’s place is on the way to ours.”
There was a God. Sorry I ever doubted. “No worries.”
It’s cool.
We’re cool.
I’m cool.
Breathe in, breathe out.
I licked my lips and wiped the sweat off my brow. The acrobat in my chest had recruited a buddy, my small intestine, and they were practising their trapeze act right about now. Oh, my God. Do. Not. Vomit. I wrapped an arm around my middle.
“Are you okay?” Ben eyed me with concern.
“Huh? Oh, yep. Just indigestion.”
Will and Adam took off running and my gut surged for a different reason. “Boys! This isn’t a playground. There are cars everywhere. Slow down and stay close.”
They both stopped and looked over their shoulders, laughing before speed walking ahead.
“I’ll go after them,” Bree offered, skipping away.
“Thanks.” Grunting, I clutched my stomach as a cramp set in. Ow. It wasn’t that time of the month. What the hell?
“You’re not a fan of rugby, are you?”
I tilted my head, eyeing Ben sideways. “Why do you say that?”
“You didn’t seem happy to be at the game the last time I saw you.”
“It’s more to do with being forced to watch my brother do anything for a couple of hours.” I braced my hands on my hips and clenched my teeth through another cramp. “It’s not my idea of fun.”
“Obviously. Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Y-ep. To-tally fine.” I clamped my mouth shut and blew out through my nose as the vision of me with a huge stomach flashed back in my mind. It was like I was pregnant. Either that or I’d eaten fifty-dozen doughnuts.
My hands fell loose at my sides as the pain eased. Ah, much better.
Ben pursed his lips, narrowing his eyes. “Okay.” Hooking his thumbs under his bag straps, he turned his focus forward.
Okay? Maybe he didn’t believe me? Maybe he was letting the white lie slide and giving me time to recover. He wasn’t walking off ahead. He could’ve caught up to the boys, but he matched me step for step. Why?
We turned the corner, silence our awkward companion. Fifty metres. One hundred metres. Jesus, I hadn’t been this quiet since I was a baby. Actually, scrap that. Mum told me that I constantly babbled from day one.
“I’m fine. Really.”
“I know.” His hands flexed, but his gaze didn’t deviate.
Okay. “You’re a great conversationalist. I haven’t been this stimulated in a long time. I think we should talk more often. Why don’t we exchange numbers? That way we can tell each other all about our day before we go to sleep and I can dissect yours and you can dissect mine and we can learn and grow from each other. It’ll make us better people. What do you think?”
“I think your indigestion has gone.” He watched me, reining in a smile.
I did a double take. His eyes were brown. My jaw loosened. What? I blinked. Nope, they’re blue.
Turning away, I licked my lips. I am losing my shit.
“Are you looking forward to tubing on the river tomorrow?”
Come again? “Uh, am I s’posed to be?”
“Yeah, didn’t Stewart tell you?”
I am going to kick his arse. “Spew and I only exchange insults. You’d know this if we talked more. Seriously, what’s your number?”
“It’s in the phone book. We’re taking Geoff’s boat out tomorrow. You, Stewart and Bree, and Lee and Tish are coming too. I don’t know if Mum got permission from your dad for Will to come. I thought if he was home now I could ask him myself. Adam would love it if he came.”
Why hadn’t Mum told me about this? Now it made sense why Ben had decided to walk home with us. He wanted to talk to my dad.
“We only just organised it last night. Your mum said it was cool.” He looked unsure.
“Oh, nah, yeah. It sounds great.” Crap, I hope my togs still fit. Which ones should I wear? The pink two-piece with the frills? Or the green one-piece that rides up my butt crack every time I move? I’ll either flash my stomach or my arse. I choose stomach. Pink it is. I’ll wear a T-shirt on top. What about food? Are we bringing
our own lunch? What time are we meeting and where? Which boat ramp? Why isn’t it just the boys going? Oh, because Ben’s little brother needed a friend. And if little brothers are going, little sisters have to go too. I get it.
“You’re thinking. What are you thinking?”
“Does Mum know all the details? I have a list running through my head.”
“It’s all sorted. Don’t stress.” He squeezed my shoulder.
My head wanted to loll forward on my neck. He’d sapped the tension right out of me. There was something about him. A resonance felt between two that almost merged us as one. I really was losing my shit.
Maybe it was because we both came from split families. His mother had remarried. My parents had both remarried. What about his dad? Where was he? Did he spend every second weekend with him?
“Do you see your dad much?”
He huffed and scratched his nose. “Rarely. When he’s in town and not too busy with his latest woman.”
Oh. Bummer.
We crossed the street, Adam, Bree, and Will safely crossing five metres in front.
“Doesn’t he live in Rocky?”
“He’s a FIFO worker. They fly him out to the oil rigs in the Timor Sea. He’s gone for three weeks and back for one.”
“That’s hard. Has he always done that?”
“No, he worked in Gladstone before. He stayed for his block of shifts and he’d come back for his days off. Just before Mum and Dad split, he drove there and back every shift. It was his way of trying to save the marriage. But it was wasted effort because he had other women in Gladstone the whole time.”
Fuck. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah.” He laughed without humour. “Me too.”
“Why didn’t he just leave if he wasn’t happy?”
“He was happy. He wanted his cake and he wanted to eat someone else’s cake too.”
My brows scrunched together. “He didn’t think your mum would find out?”
“He thought she’d understand that a man has needs and a week was a long time to go without getting some. Stupid thing is, now he has to go without for three weeks at a time.”
“I think that may be what you call karma.”
“Mm.”
“Your mum is happy now though, right?” I shrugged. “She’s got you and Adam, and Mr Hooper.”
“Yeah, she’s good. Geoff treats her well. They dissect each other’s days, and learn and grow together.”
I gasped, a big grin breaking free as I lightly punched him on the arm. “You were listening.” Damn, that arm is rock solid.
“Did you think I wasn’t?”
I pushed some hair off my face. “I dunno. You’re quiet most of the time.”
“Why talk when there’s nothing to say?”
“Because silence is unbearable. Because communication is important. Because it drives your companion nuts if you deprive them of interaction.”
“There are more ways to communicate than with words.” He slowly reached out. The back of his hand brushed my forearm, stealing the breath from my lungs.
I lifted my eyes to his. We both stopped walking. He stared down through lowered lashes, his lips slowly curling up.
Oh, shit.
...
...
He’d blanked me with one touch. All my thought processes came to an abrupt halt and my senses took over. They bombarded me with feedback. His warmth, his smell, the tug and thrum between us. The trapeze act in my chest had fallen off their perches and were tumbling in a free-fall. I didn’t know if there was a net to catch them. I didn’t even care.
Ben took a step and I stumbled after him, picking my jaw off the ground. I checked to see where the boys were. They were nearly ten metres ahead now. We only had one more street until we reached Dad’s house. Why couldn’t he have bought a house farther away?
“You don’t agree?”
“Huh?”
Ben laughed, adjusting the weight of his backpack. “You’ve gone quiet.”
“You wiped my brain cells.”
“Just like that, huh?”
“Yeah, just like that. Don’t get a big head about it.”
He chuckled, tugging on the waistband of his shorts. “I’ll try not to.”
“Do you wish your parents had stayed together?”
“Nah. Now that I see how two people are supposed to love each other, I realise what Mum and Dad had wasn’t built to last.”
I searched his eyes, not knowing what I was looking for. Sadness? Acceptance? “Do you think you’ll ever find the real deal with someone?” Like me, for instance?
“Honestly, I dunno. I’m too young to be thinking about it anyway. And so are you. Don’t let Stew know that you’ve got boys on the mind.”
Okay, there was no net. My heart just slammed to the ground and turned to pulp. “What would he care?”
“He cares.”
Yeah, right.
I walked ahead of him, opening the squeaky metal gate before following the garden path to our standard brick-and-tile.
Every house in the street appeared almost the same. The development was built in the eighties when brown was all the rage. Will knocked on the door, but if Dad wasn’t home from work yet, nobody would be there. I had to wait until he arrived before I could leave. Anna didn’t finish until five. Mum wasn’t happy about the arrangement, but it meant I got to spend extra time with Will, so it was fine with me.
“He’s not home,” Will huffed.
“Great,” Bree mumbled, lacking enthusiasm in her tone.
I took one strap of my backpack off, ready to dig out my keys, when the door opened.
“Keep ya shirt on. I was on the dunny.” Dad peered at us, wiping his hands on his shorts. His work shorts.
My nose crinkled. Such a bogan. The remnants of his day clung to him in a cloud of toxic gas. Why had he bothered washing his hands if he was going to wipe them on his germ-infested Stubbies?
“Hey, Ben. Adam. What are you boys doing here?”
Ben reached to shake Dad’s hand. “Hey, Mr Frazer.”
Don’t shake it. Don’t shake it.
Their hands locked.
Aw, he touched it. I turned away to hide my unstoppable gag reflex.
“We’re taking the boat out on the river tomorrow. Stewart, Bree, and Andy are coming too. We were wondering if it’d be okay if Will came along to keep Adam company?”
Adam and Will both clasped their hands under their chins and did their best impersonation of a begging puppy, complete with sound effects. I didn’t know anyone who could say no to that. Except maybe Anna. But she wasn’t here to see it, so ...
“I don’t see why not, but I have to check with the boss first. Come in while I give her a call.” Dad went to the living room.
I slipped off my shoes and dumped my bag at the door before going to the kitchen. “Do you guys want a drink?”
Leaving his bag under the breakfast bar, Ben nodded. “Sure. Do you mind if I use the bathroom?”
“You know where it is. Down the hall, first door on the right.”
“Thanks.”
I poured waters for all of us before handing the kids theirs.
“I hope Mum says yes.” Will chewed on his thumbnail.
“She will. The pressure of you not missing out will get her.” I hope.
Ben returned and I passed him his glass. “You didn’t flush.”
“I didn’t need to. Thanks for the drink.”
Oh. I smiled to myself. He’d gone to wash his hands. Bless his impeccable manners. He hadn’t wanted to offend my dad. I bit my lip as I watched him drink.
“Good news.” Dad came around the corner. “Anna said yes.”
The boys gave each other a fist bump, their faces beaming.
“What time do you need him?” Dad rubbed a finger under his nose and I gagged again. I needed to remember to wipe the phone first if I ever needed to use it.
“We’ll come and pick him up around seven-thirty, if that’s al
l right?”
“Yep. That’s fine. See you in the morning.”
“Okay. Thanks, Mr Frazer.”
“Thank Anna. When are we going to see you back in a Knights’ jersey?”
Aw, shit. I pushed on Ben’s back to get him moving—he’s like concrete—and flashed my eyes at Adam to get his attention. “We gotta go, Dad. See you on Monday arvo. And maybe go change out of your sewer clothes.”
“I was about to when your brother tried to knock down the door,” he growled.
Maybe I’d been too harsh, but E. coli was no joke. “Okay. Good talk.”
My eyes remained wide and I pasted on a smile, putting some distance between poo man and my chances of ever dating Ben.
Bree pivoted to face us as she walked backwards. “Your dad’s kinda feral.”
“I know.” I grimaced.
“Nah, he’s cool.” Ben kicked a rock, sending it skidding down the footpath.
Adam chased it, booting it farther ahead. “I agree with Bree.”
“He’s cringetastic sometimes, but he’s still my dad and I’m lucky to have him.”
Ben’s expression tightened. “Yeah, you are. He’s one hundred percent on my dad.”
Anger slammed into my gut, but it hadn’t come from me. It sloughed off Ben like a peeling sunburn. Sympathy swelled in me to douse the burn. But I needed to share the remedy with him.
I stretched out to put my arm around Ben’s shoulders, acting on instinct. He stopped moving. He didn’t show it, but I could still feel his pain right in the centre of my chest. A cavernous abandonment that bored a tunnel from him to me. The drag of its teeth kept chewing and chewing, searching for something that would finally satisfy its hunger. It stole my breath.
I placed my other hand right on the middle of his chest and he angled himself towards me, putting his arms around me. Our pulses melded as one. Energy hummed between us, an osmosis of something more powerful than I could grasp. I knew it. Whatever this was, it wasn’t going away.
I don’t know how long we stood there. Long enough for the hungry beast to slow its scourge. Maybe there was something in me that could stop it altogether. Would I ever get a chance to try?
Ben let go first. I raised my head to search his eyes, but he’d turned away. Our siblings were nowhere to be seen. We weren’t that far from home. I hoped they’d stayed together and were waiting at Mum’s place.