by J. M. Adele
I would love him with all I had.
I only hoped that would be enough for the both of us.
_____
Emmeline
Hampshire, England
13th July, 1867, 12:21 a.m.
“Emmeline.” I was awoken from my slumber by Sebastian’s harsh whisper. I blinked groggily, unable to focus on his candlelit face. “It’s time.”
Oh. I pushed my elbow into the mattress and dragged my body upright. Dangling my stockinged feet off the edge of the bed, I waited for a minute until my faculties had restored their function. After pulling on a dressing gown, stockings, and boots, I held my hand out for his. “Oh, wait,” I whispered, tiptoeing to the dresser to retrieve my bag.
I held my hand out again. He clasped it and led me quietly through the sleeping house. Had someone let him in? Did he have a key? It mattered none. He had come to get me just as he’d said he would.
“Is your father with her?”
“No. I have stable duty tonight. Father is sleeping in the servants’ quarters.”
I nodded as we crossed the courtyard and made our way down the hill to the stables. All seemed quiet. I had expected her to be making more noise. Sebastian blew out the candle and took a lantern from a hook, guiding us to the stall where Miss Modesty lay in the straw. It was the same stall where I had first set eyes on him. How fitting that our final moments together should be spent here.
The mare’s breathing was only slightly laboured. She lifted her head to greet us before laying it down again. I put my hand on her belly. It surged beneath my touch. Sebastian positioned himself at her rear. Fluid trickled from between her legs. I stroked her coat, reassuring her in hushed tones. “All will be well, beautiful girl.”
There was a gush before one hoof appeared, sheathed in a white membrane.
“Ooh, here it comes. Good girl. You are doing a fine job.”
She grunted and nickered, taking a brief look behind.
A few minutes later, the second hoof and the tip of a nose appeared. Under my hand, her belly clenched and relaxed at decreasing intervals. The foal’s head came out before sliding back in several times. “Should we help her?”
“No, she’s managing.”
The smell of manure wafted into the air. “Did she soil herself?”
“Yes. That is quite normal under the circumstances.”
Oh.
The mare grunted again and her stomach clenched with a powerful force as the foal’s head and shoulders finally made an appearance. Miss Modesty’s legs jerked as if she were trying to stand, but she flopped back down. With the next contraction the rest of the foal came out. The membrane covered it from neck to hind legs. The mare sat, folding her front legs underneath her. She turned to sniff and lick at the baby as I marvelled at the majesty of it all.
“Simply amazing.”
“It is.”
“You did it, Miss Modesty. Well done.”
The horse stood, positioning herself so she could attend to the foal, ridding it of the sac in which it had grown.
“Ah, she’s a good mother. Her instincts are sound.”
The foal lay, shaking in the straw. “Is it a boy or a girl?”
Sebastian lifted its tail. “It’s a boy. He looks like his father. Admiral will be well pleased.”
“I should think he would be pleased with whatever his blessing.”
“True, Miss Emmeline. True.” Sebastian’s gaze locked onto mine, a sadness infusing the love I had grown to recognise in his eyes.
“What happens now?”
He backed out of the stall, finding his way to a cot in a room to the rear of the stables. “I’ll check on them through the night.” He dipped his hands in a bowl of water, rinsing off and indicating for me to do the same. “I would ask of you the same question.”
I hesitated in the doorway. “Whatever do you mean?”
“I am referring to your packed satchel. I know of your parents’ plans to marry you to the earl. The manor is abuzz with talk of him.”
“Oh.” He knows. Of course he knows. I crossed to the bowl and cleansed my skin. “I had hoped you would be spared of the knowledge.”
“An impossibility.”
“Indeed.”
“What are you to do?”
“He arrives tomorrow. I must leave tonight.”
His throat surged and he looked away. “Alone?”
“How could I ask you to abandon your father? Your responsibilities?”
“I would do it in a heartbeat.” Sebastian tilted his chin, eyes flitting to the corner of the tiny room.
I followed his gaze and drew in a breath upon seeing that he had packed a bag of his own. “Sebastian.” My voice was but a wisp of air. I shuffled into the room, taking a seat beside him on the cot. “You would do this for me?”
His fingers found their way into my hair, palm cupping my face as his eyes roamed my features. “How could you not understand I would do anything for you?”
I covered his hand with mine and leaned in to place my lips on his, unable to speak. Tears wet my cheeks. I blinked to clear my vision as I rested my forehead on his. His thumbs wiped away the wetness. My jaw loosened as he placed them in his mouth, sucking away my tears.
“I want all of you.”
“You have it. You’ve had it from the beginning.”
Our mouths met again, tongues tangling as I crawled into his lap, my arms wrapped around his back. My heart went from a steady beat to a riotous sprint. Nostrils flared, I fought for air. Sebastian’s greedy hands roamed underneath the layers of my clothing. There was an urgency, an underlying need to join in union immediately. He pulled my robe along my arms before discarding it on the brick floor. I tugged on his shirt and flung it behind me. The air chilled my skin as he dragged my nightgown over my head. I stood, working on the buttons of his trousers before he slid them down his thighs.
Climbing atop his lap, I lowered myself onto his erect shaft. A moan escaped my lips as I revelled in the connection, the drag of his flesh on mine. Taking him into my body was so natural to me. It was like a welcoming home of my other half. The stubble on his chin scratched at my neck as his rough hands guided my rocking motion. My breasts rubbed against his chest, his mouth, his hands. He held me tightly as he stood, turned, and lay me on my back upon the narrow cot. He grunted as his hips thrust with passionate abandon, his breath harsh in my ear. I dug my fingers into his skin, holding on as my body broke apart beneath him. My cries drove him harder, faster, prolonging my ride on the crest of the wave. He followed me over with a long groan of release.
His body grew lax. I wrapped my arms and legs around him and let my eyes drift shut. Our respiration slowed. Our hearts settled into a gentle rhythm.
We fell into a blissful sleep together.
Emmeline
Hampshire, England
13th July, 1867, 5:15 a.m.
It was Sebastian’s cry of pain that abruptly woke me. My eyes sprang open a split second before the sound of a riding crop striking his flesh had my blood curdling and his body jerking atop mine. He was flung to the floor, uncovering my nakedness. I jolted up, pulling the blankets from the cot to cover myself as the horrific scene unfolded before me. A tall, thin man stood over Sebastian with murder in his eyes. He pulled his arm back, ready to land another blow to Sebastian’s bloodied back. For too long, I sat frozen, trying to comprehend what was happening.
Who was this man?
Greying hair at his temples, finely tailored riding clothes, the devil in his sneer. I gasped. It had to be the earl. He had arrived early. How had he found us? Did he know who I was?
“Stop!” I cried.
“Silence, slattern,” he bellowed.
My eyes narrowed and I sprang to my feet, searching the room for a weapon. I grabbed a lantern and swung it at his head just as he delivered another blow to Sebastian’s battered body. The glass shattered, a shard biting into his temple. Oil trickled down his shirt. He paused briefly, snarling as he gritte
d his teeth and set me in his sights. He began to lurch towards me, but Sebastian wrenched to his feet. Charging at the man, he drove him into the wall. His head struck the brick with a crack. He fell to the floor, unconscious.
“We must hurry.” Sebastian tossed my nightgown on the cot before yanking on his trousers.
I reached for my bag and pulled out my chosen outfit of riding pants and shirt that I had stolen from the scullery. I stuffed my nightclothes in the satchel before pulling on some boots.
“Are you ready?”
I nodded. “Yes.”
We ran to Admiral’s stall, Sebastian harnessing the saddle as I secured the bridle. I opened the stable doors, alarmed to see Marybeth, Sebastian’s father, the steward, and my father running down the hill towards us.
“Get on!” Sebastian leaned down before pulling me onto the horse behind him.
I circled his waist with my arms. “They cannot catch us. Admiral is too fast.”
We set off at a clip, leaving the shouts of our fathers behind us.
“Not as fast with two of us, but we should gain some distance before they follow.”
I dug my fingers into his shirt. “What if they send a telegram to town?”
“We shall stay out of sight. Stick to the forest. They’ll have a harder time finding us.”
“Where will we go?”
He took his time to answer. “North. I have family in Scotland.”
“Do you think they will search for us there?”
“It is a possibility.” We ducked under a branch as Sebastian steered us through the trees. He circled around under the cover of thick greenery to head east towards New Forest. With any luck, they would search for us to the west, the direction in which we had set off.
Our first dilemma would be finding shelter, somewhere hidden and safe for Admiral Caine. The surrounding hills were largely exposed with the trees dispersed in sparse patches across the land. If we could safely retreat to the forest, we might have half a chance at freedom.
We came to a stream and followed along it for nearly half a mile to put them off our scent. If they were smart, they would call the dogs on us. Tripping up the shallow bank, we made it to an open field, a herd of deer scattering in our wake. Visible as only a speck upon the landscape, at the base of a valley I could see a township.
“We must skirt around it. The county police will likely be on alert.”
“Agreed.”
“Over there.” I need not have pointed to the thicket of bushes as Sebastian had already guided our steed towards the cover.
He spoke over his shoulder. “We may be unable to penetrate the thick growth, but we shall stick to its edges. ’Tis better than being exposed.”
“Indeed.”
I worried for Admiral. We had ridden him hard for longer than was advised. He would be tiring by now and at risk of injury if we pushed him any further. “If it is safe, we should find a spot to rest the horse.” No sooner had I voiced my concerns than the Admiral began to falter. His stride lost its seamless rhythm, a jagged canter taking its place.
“Okay, boy.” Sebastian patted the horse’s neck and pulled back on the reins.
We dismounted and walked for another couple of miles until we reached a second patch of forest. Following the sound of trickling water, we came upon a brook. Sebastian led Admiral Caine to the water’s edge, encouraging him to quench his thirst. He did so eagerly.
I kneeled on the moss-covered bank and leaned forward to scoop some water into my hands. Its cool medicine slid down my throat, a balm for my parched mouth and tired body. “Can we not rest for a spell?”
Sebastian wiped his face on his shirtsleeve, narrowing his eyes as he swivelled his head. Admiral’s ears pricked and he whinnied, backing away from the brook. Sebastian sprang to his feet, grabbing Admiral’s reins and brushing a hand down the horse’s nose, murmuring to him.
“Do you hear that?” he asked.
I frowned, getting to my feet. Closing my eyes, I singled out the sounds reaching my ears. The water running over the rocks and tree roots. The wind rustling the leaves. Birds calling to each other. Creatures scurrying through the underbrush and matting of fallen leaves and twigs. My eyes sprang open. Horses’ hooves.
“Yes.”
“Quickly.” He helped me onto Admiral before mounting at my front. I held on as Sebastian guided us away from the water and into the dense growth. We weaved through the trees until the canopy closed in, strangling any light-rays that attempted entry. And then we stopped. And waited.
Admiral Caine’s tail swished, his nostrils flared. My shoulders kissed my ears. The noise of their approach grew louder before it seemed to fade. I hung my arms by my side, releasing a rush of air. Whomever they were, we had successfully avoided them.
Bang.
A gunshot rang out, startling the sleeping forest. Admiral squealed, rearing onto his hind legs. I snatched at Sebastian’s shirt, but not fast enough to gain purchase. Tumbling off the saddle, I hit the ground with a thud, the wind stolen from my lungs.
“Emmeline!”
My mouth opened and closed in an attempt to draw air, but none came. I cradled my chest, grimacing, terrified of what I was seeing. Sebastian battled to hold on to his seat as he struggled to gain control of the horse. The muscles and tendons in his arms and neck strained, his face mirroring the fear carving a hole in my gut. Jumping free, he tumbled to the ground a few yards away. Admiral took flight, stealing any chance of our escape.
No. I dropped my chin. No.
Sebastian scrambled over to me before folding me into his embrace. “Breathe,” he pleaded.
Once more I opened my mouth, finally with avail. I pulled my shoulder blades together as my lungs inflated.
Our heads jerked at the cracking of twigs under foot. I clutched at Sebastian, my mouth drying. They’d caught us.
“Over here!” The shout preceded the appearance of three police on horseback, truncheons drawn, cutlasses sheathed at their sides. Shiny brass buttons lined up on the front of their tunics. Their faces were set in grim lines under the shield of their helmets.
Behind them, another horse approached. The earl. His scowl was enough to curdle my blood and turn my stomach to dust.
“Seize the horse-thief. The girl is mine.”
I screamed as two officers ripped Sebastian away. The earl pulled my arms behind the small of my back, locking them in his grasp. Snaking his other arm across my chest, he gripped my throat. “Hush now, my beloved. The constabulary have him in hand.”
Beloved? A gross misrepresentation of his feelings for me in order to fool the authorities. Beloved was a sentiment that would never apply to our particular relationship. I stomped my heel on top of his boot and his hand tightened around my neck. “Careful, little fugitive. You are collecting more punishments than you can handle. I advise you to surrender before something nasty happens to your plaything.” The cold hard press of steel into my back chilled my revolt.
He had pulled the trigger knowing it would spook the horse. And now he threatened to hurt Sebastian. I could not test his resolve.
“All right, sir?”
“Yes, officer. Everything is fine. Take him away. I shall see that my bride makes it home safely.”
The officers tapped their hats in salute and rode off with Sebastian. He sat astride in front of one officer. Wrists bound by rope, he mouthed a final, “I love you,” before disappearing. Would it be forever?
The darkness closed in and settled within every fibre of my being, winding me all over again. I fractured into pieces, releasing a wail so loud rabbits, squirrels, and deer scattered for shelter. The earl slapped his dirty hand over my mouth, but I didn’t stop. Nothing would stem this release of anguish.
A moment later, the earl proved me wrong with the butt of his gun, a crack of pain registering a moment before everything went black.
Andrea
Rockhampton, Australia
18th of May, 2009
I opened my eye
s on Sunday morning to find myself alone. A knot immediately formed in my gut.
Gone.
The word sprang to mind—an answer to a question I hadn’t asked, and the knot tightened. I reassured myself it was fine. He hadn’t necessarily said he’d be staying the night. And Bree would have questions if he had anyway. It was the sensible thing to do. Then doubt put a tilt on things. Maybe he’d just gone to the loo, or to grab something from the kitchen?
Gone.
The knowledge was more forceful this time. It held more weight, more sorrow.
I pressed my lips together and swallowed the lump in my throat. I checked my phone. There were no new messages. Had he left a note somewhere? I looked on the night stand, on my sheets, on the floor, under the pillow. Nope. Not that I could see. I typed out a quick, ‘Hey, where’d you go?’ text. Placing my mobile on the pillow where he’d slept beside me, I waited. It didn’t vibrate, or light up. It lay there lifeless, inanimate, its silence mocking the rising panic inside me. Its quiet an echo of the void he’d left behind.
Maybe he was still asleep? Oh, cut the crap. Okay, so he’d gone. Expectations remember? But was it so wrong to expect your boyfriend to leave some form of goodbye, good morning, thank you for the great sex, let’s do it again soon?
Stupid tears sprang to my eyes. A lack of expectations was no good if you didn’t also have boundaries. The two seemed incongruous, but they worked hand in hand. I could love him and expect nothing in return. Love was a state of being. It didn’t just stop when a person walked away. But if I gave myself intimately to someone, I deserved respect in return.
When I sat up, the vision of my well-fucked naked body greeted me in that mirror. That goddamn mirror.
Gone.
I pictured myself throwing the phone at the fucking mirror, smashing them both to pieces. It wouldn’t matter. I’d still stare at the wardrobe door and see what we’d done. I could still feel him between my legs.