Stations of Life

by Chloe Spencer

  “Because she’s trying to do nice things for you!” Young June snapped. “If you don’t want her to do something, you should tell her! Instead you stay silent, like the passive-aggressive bitch you are, and then wait for things to go up in flames so you can call her a piece of shit! Well, you know what? You’re the piece of shit.”

  She snapped her fingers, and the train screeched to a halt. The sudden motion threw me sideways, banging my head into the wall. I groaned, raising my eyes to see the train doors open. Although the train had stopped, the world was still spinning.

  “We’re here.”

  My eyes widened. “No. Not here.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. You don’t want to own up to your own mistakes?” Young June laughed, bitter. “How rich.”

  She stood in the doorway, arms crossed, challenging me. I had no idea someone this young and short could look so intimidating. Her jaw was set, her eyes were sparking like flickering flames. She truly believed that I was ruining her life—and that’s why she was so enraged.

  Well. Maybe she’s right. And maybe, she’s trying to save me from making a horrible mistake.

  * * * *

  Rubbing my injured head, I exited the train. I gulped when I looked at what loomed before me: an old dive bar in downtown Minneapolis. I remembered every bit of this night; after all, the memory was still fresh. Young June walked ahead of me and opened the door to the bar.

  “You’re underage. Are you allowed to be in here?”

  She rolled her eyes. Clearly now was not the time for jokes. I felt beads of sweat breaking out on my forehead. I absolutely didn’t want to be here. Sitting at the bar was the me from last Thursday night. The night I walked out the door. June nursed a vodka lemonade, sipping on it from a ridiculously tiny straw. Her eyes wandered the room. She’s looking for someone, anyone who can take away her frustrations. I swallowed, watching as June locked eyes with a woman across the bar. Unlike the other apparitions we’ve encountered here, her face is nothing but a blur. She’s eerie and ethereal, like a ghost. With a wag of her finger, June motioned the woman over to her, and ordered her a drink.

  Eloise and I had gotten into a fight that night, although I forgot what it was about. Maybe it was about the debt, and how frustrated I was by the fact that we weren’t paying it off fast enough. Oh wait, right, that’s what it was. She wanted to go out to dinner for the second time that week, and I had lashed out, saying that maybe if she didn’t spend money so recklessly, we would’ve paid off her debt by now. This escalated into a shouting match, which left her in tears, and had me walking out the door.

  I had had a hard day at work, dealing with that asshole pet shop owner, and all she wanted to do was treat me to dinner. Maybe I should have let her.

  The conversation between June and the woman grew more flirtatious. June trailed an arm down the woman’s wrist, examining her watch. She laughed at all of June’s jokes as June continued to order her drink after drink. I glanced over at Young June, who appeared emotional and uncomfortable by all of this. Gone was the rage. I saw pain. But this is pain that I’ve caused her, and it didn’t feel right to comfort her in this moment.

  Although I couldn’t see it, my phone buzzed repeatedly as call after call came in. That night, as time passed and it became clear I wasn’t coming home, Eloise began to panic. June ignored all of them. Charlie was the one who tipped Eloise off as to where I was that night. Around midnight, Eloise arrived at the exact same bar to see June brazenly flirting with this other woman. June was gathering her things and getting ready to head home with her.

  Eloise didn’t get angry or cause a scene. Instead she calmly approached the woman and informed her, “Excuse me, this is my wife, and I’ll be taking her home now.”

  She took June’s hand and made for the door. As they walked towards the door, the scene changed. The bar fell apart before my very eyes, fading into nothingness, and our apartment faded into view. June sat on top of the kitchen stool as Eloise fetched her a glass of water from the hallway bathroom.

  “This isn’t like you at all,” Eloise said, her voice growing thicker with each word she spoke. “I don’t know what’s going on with you, June-bug. I wish you would tell me.”

  She pushed the glass of water over to June, who sipped from it.

  “Nothing’s going on with me,” June replied flatly, setting her glass on the counter.

  “I know that you’re angry with me but going out and drinking on a work night isn’t a good way to deal with those feelings.” Eloise sat down next to her on the stool. “I…” She bit her lip, and now I could see the tears in her eyes. “Who was that woman that you were with?”

  “I don’t know.” I can testify to the fact that this was an honest answer. I really didn’t know who she was. I couldn’t even remember her face, let alone her name.

  “Are you seeing her?”

  “No. I just met her at the bar tonight.” June ran a hand through her hair, clearly aggravated by this gentle line of questioning. Meanwhile, Eloise was struggling to keep it together. I’m surprised that she was, honestly. Between June’s indifference and the horrifying fact that she was all too eager to cheat on her, it’s a wonder that she wasn’t breaking down in tears…or worse, breaking shit.

  “Has this happened before?”

  “Has what happened before?”

  “Have you gone out to pick up other women before?” Eloise asked quietly. She wiped a few tears from her eyes.

  “No,” June sighed, shaking her head. “This is the first time I’ve done something like this.”

  “Well…” Eloise wrung her hands. “I guess I’m just not understanding why this is happening. Are you interested in seeing other people now? Are you angry with me? Is there something that you’re not getting from this relationship?”

  “I’m not getting a lot of things out of this relationship.”

  “Like what? Are you not happy?”

  “I’m not happy with the fact that you can’t get your shit together, no.”

  Eloise closed her eyes. “You’re the one that went out drinking, and tried to pick up other women, and now you’re saying I’m the one who doesn’t have my shit together?”

  “Are you forgetting the number of problems that you’ve created for us?”

  “I’m not forgetting that. I’m just saying, you have your share of issues too,” Eloise said quietly, her voice hoarse. “So, what? Do you think I deserve this? Is this supposed to be some sort of punishment?”

  “No. I’m not trying to punish you. I just…I want all of this to be over.”

  The silence in the room was deafening. Eloise blinked repeatedly, trying to wipe away the tears that were now spilling from her eyes. She shook her head, laughing in disbelief.

  “I don’t understand why this is happening. Is this because I suggested that we get dinner? If that’s the case, I will never suggest takeout ever again. Hell, I’ll cook for us every night.”

  June doesn’t respond.

  “What do you mean you want this to be over?”

  “I’m so tired of all of this. I’m exhausted.”

  “Why are you tired, honey?”

  Again, June didn’t respond. Eloise released a sob, and I felt my heart break. I hadn’t realized how hard she was trying to communicate with me in that moment. Had I always been like this? Had it always been a battle to get me to talk?

  She reached out, and grasped June’s hand. She squeezed it tightly. June didn’t return the gesture. Her hand was like a limp noodle, dangling in Eloise’s grasp.

  “I’m hearing that you’re upset,” Eloise sobbed. “I know I’ve given you a lot of reasons to be frustrated with me. You’ve had to put up with a lot from me. But tell me what you need.”

  “What?”

  “Tell me what you need,” Eloise begged. “I want us to stay together. I’m willing to do whatever it takes.”

  I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping that I didn’t have to relive this moment. But as I opened my eyes again,
I realized that my past wasn’t going to just magically change. June reacted in anger, recoiling from Eloise and jerking her hand away from her.

  “I want to be done!” June shouted, eyes narrowed. “I don’t want to do this anymore! You’re not listening to me!”

  “I’m trying to listen, Juniper. I’m trying,” Eloise sobbed.

  “No, you’re not. You want to stay together, and I want a divorce.” June hopped off the seat and stomped away.

  “I know that you’re upset,” Eloise cried out, trailing after her. “I know you are! And I’m not saying that you don’t have a right to be! But to throw our marriage away is going a bit too far, Juniper!”

  “You call this a marriage? Guess what. A marriage implies that there are two equal partners. One takes care of the other. I’m the one who has been carrying this entire relationship.”

  Says the cheater, I thought, the anger rising in my body. Says the one who is walking away from this conversation; says the one who is being unreasonable. I couldn’t believe these words had come from my own mouth. What is wrong with me?

  “I’m sorry that you feel that way, but that’s incredibly unfair of you to say,” Eloise sobbed. “When I’m the one who plans our dates, and when I’m the one who went out looking for you! If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t have bothered!”

  “I’m sorry, you plan our dates?” June laughed, turning on her heel to face Eloise. “You burned down our fucking kitchen! I’ve had to wash our dishes in the bathtub for the past month!”

  “Is that what this is about? Is this about the kitchen?”

  “Oh, if only that was the case!”

  “Whatever the problem is, I can fix it!”

  “No, you can’t. You’re incapable of fixing anything. I’m the one who has to do it.”

  The two of them entered the bedroom. I glanced down at Young June, who was crying. She didn’t make any sound, nor did she bother to wipe away the tears. I realized in that moment how much pain she was in. The fact that we’re married must be a dream come true to her. But now she’s witnessing it fall apart, like she’s living through a nightmare.

  I approached the bedroom and looked inside. I saw all the various photographs from our lives. Some from middle school. Some from high school. Some wedding portraits, tacked to the walls. When we moved into this condo, Eloise had taken time to decorate the room. She had spent so much time painstakingly creating this space for us. I never thanked her for it.

  Drunk on anger (and too many vodka lemonades), June rushed around the room and bathroom collecting various items to shove into her work backpack. Eloise tried to stop her multiple times, but June managed to shoulder her away at every turn. I followed them back out into the kitchen, towards the front door, where June finally left the apartment. Stunned, Eloise stared at the door. She sat on the edge of the kitchen stool, waiting in anticipation, as if June were suddenly going to come back. An eternity passed. Her body crumpled, and she buried her face in her hands and started to cry.

  Eloise has had her fair share of fuck ups. But Young June was right. I’d failed to acknowledge my own. I not only tried to cheat on my wife, but I had berated her and belittled her even though all she wanted was to hear my side of the story. That was a hundred times worse than burning the kitchen down.

  I approached Eloise. I wanted to wrap her up in my arms and apologize a thousand times. I wanted to kiss her forehead and inhale the smell of her coconut shampoo. But as I reached out, my arms faded through her body. I had to stand there and watch her cry her guts out. So I started to cry too.

  “We spent years of our life, just hoping that she would notice us. Hoping that she would accept our feelings,” Young June said quietly, standing beside me. “All we wanted, all we hoped for, was for her to love us in return. We got everything we ever wanted.”

  “And I threw it away. I don’t even know why I did,” I sobbed, wiping my eyes. “I’m just so angry, and so tired, and so frustrated. I took it all out on her.”

  “You did.” Young June hopped up on the counter. She stared at Eloise, smiling sadly. “You have no idea how jealous I am of you. I never realized that she loved us that much.” She glanced up at me. “That’s such…such an awesome gift, y’know?”

  Slowly the house, as well as Eloise, dissolved into nothingness, leaving the two of us floating in the space between this memory and the train.

  “I don’t think it’s too late to fix any of this,” Young June said. “But…but you have to own up to what you’ve done wrong. And you need to talk to her and tell her how you feel, and what you want. It’s time to stop all of this.”

  “But…” I shook my head in disbelief. “I still don’t believe that’s going to fix everything.”

  “Oh, it won’t.”

  Seeing the grief-stricken look on my face, Young June panicked.

  “Well, I mean, y-you could probably benefit from some relationship counseling. But that’s okay,” Young June said. “Whatever it takes to fix this…I think you understand what you have to do now, right?”

  “I…”

  “Juniper. You still love her. We still love her. Please don’t let her go.”

  I nodded. “I won’t. I promise.”

  Young June smiled at me. She hugged me tightly, throwing her whole weight against me. I staggered backwards, laughing, wrapping my arms around her. Here we were, the two Junipers: The one who had everything and had forsaken it, and the other who had nothing and yearned for a better future. Stuck together in the mausoleum of our memories.

  “Well…guess we better get back on the train, huh?” Young June asked, looking up at me.

  “Yep. I got to talk to her.” I smiled sadly. “That means you’re going to disappear into this place, right? Or go back into my imagination or something?”

  “I mean, I’m never truly gone. I’m part of you, right?”

  “You’re right.” I wrapped my arm around her shoulder and steered her back in the direction of the train.

  “Besides, it’s not so bad here. I get to see every version of ourselves, and of Eloise. Remember her badass grunge phase?”

  “From when she was sixteen? Ha ha. So many plaid shirts and chokers. I think she still has some of them in her closet at home.”

  We walked through the doors of the train.

  “Also Eloise in her softball uniform,” Young June said, grinning wickedly. “Remember how great her butt looked—”

  “Okay!” I scolded her with a laugh and tousled her hair. “I get it. This place is creepy, but it’s great in its own way. You get to relive all our best moments.”

  “Yeah. But I like what you get to do,” she said, sitting down on the seat across from me.

  “Which is?”

  “I relive the best moments. But you get to create even better ones.” Young June reached into her backpack. “Oh, also, before I forget, I want you to have this.”

  She leaned across the gap between us and offered me the present. I gasped.

  “This is…”

  “These are the necklaces that Eloise got us in our senior year.” It was two silver half-heart pendants, held together by a thin, delicate chain. Eloise had bought them for us before we graduated high school. She wore one half, with my initials on it, while I wore the other, with hers. But after a few moves, we had lost them. I hadn’t seen them in at least three years.

  “Oh my God…” I whispered, taking them from her. “June. You have no idea how much I’ve missed these.”

  Young June grinned. “I mean, I can take a guess. But anyways, they’re yours to keep. And to give to her.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Don’t thank me. Focus. You need to win her back.”

  * * * *

  As the train rolled to a stop, I jolted awake. The old lady was still sitting across from me, but Young June was gone. My grocery bags were sitting at my side. I glanced outside and realized that I was outside Victoria Street station.

  I scrambled for the doors and raced over to
Charlie’s apartment complex. Surprisingly, he was already there, sitting at the kitchen table on his MacBook. Charlie was a software developer, so sometimes he worked from home. His thick black glasses were perched on the end of his nose as he stared at his computer screen.

  “Here’s your soy milk,” I said, setting the bag on the counter. “I have to go talk to Eloise.”

  “Okay.” He frowned at me, realizing I wasn’t going to set down my backpack. “What are you…doing?”

  “I made a mistake, Charlie.” I slapped his spare set of keys down on the counter. “I haven’t been fair to Eloise, and God knows that I haven’t been honest with her. She wanted me to come by and talk to her.”

  “Oh…okay.” He remained confused. “So you’re not coming back over here?”

  “No, I’m not. Thanks for letting me crash here, though.” I tightened the straps of my backpack around my shoulders. “I’m off.”

  As I exited the apartment, Charlie called out, “Good luck!”

  My heartbeat quickening, I hurried back out to the train station to catch the green line. I rode back up to the U.S. Bank Stadium, switched to the blue line train, and then rode down to the Lake Street. From there, I hustled back towards our condo. I entered the building and rode up the elevator to the sixth floor. I could feel my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach. She wasn’t expecting me until seven. It was six o’ clock. What if she wasn’t home?

  Nervously I fumbled for my keys in my purse. I opened the door, and slowly stepped inside. I could see the scorched backsplash and countertops of the kitchen, but I didn’t see Eloise.

  “Hello?” I called out.

  I heard footsteps thudding down the hallway, and then Eloise appeared before me. Her long blond hair was pinned back in a messy bun. She was wearing an oversized sweatshirt and leggings. In her hands she held a steaming mug of tea. Her wide blue eyes stared at me in surprise. She glanced nervously over at the microwave.

  “Oh, um, you said seven,” she said and averted her eyes from me. “Or did I get that wrong?”