Afraid to Fly

by L. A. Witt

  Clint nodded slowly. “True. They’re lucky. For their sake”—he shifted his gaze back to me—“I hope they don’t ever see combat.”

  “Agreed. Would be nice if no one did, but . . .”

  “Yeah. It’d be nice.”

  Neither of us spoke while I finished my cigarette. Odds were, I would never see combat again. I would be medically disqualified before the ink was even dry on my orders. Clint . . . it was hard to say. I didn’t know his history, why he was no longer a drone pilot when manning was so critically low in that field, or why a video of an airstrike would fuck him up like that. Physically, he seemed okay, and the military was not at all above sending in soldiers who already had combat-related PTSD, so if the Navy started deploying ground troops again . . .

  I banished the thought. I didn’t want to think about him or anyone else going over there.

  We sat in silence for a long moment. I debated smoking another cigarette if only to give as an excuse to stay out here, but he glanced at his watch and sighed. “I should probably head home.”

  Disappointment tugged at my gut, and I looked at my own watch. “Yeah, I guess it’s getting late.”

  He rose. “Hopefully Keller doesn’t mind me prying him away from the crowd.”

  “What? Why?”

  “We drove in together this morning. He lives in my building, so we carpool.”

  “Oh. Well . . .” I hesitated. “If you want, I can drive you home. After the other night, I think I owe you a ride.” The instant the words were out, I cringed. “I mean, I owe you—”

  “I know what you meant.” Clint chuckled. “Sure. I’m not gonna say no.”

  I could have gone inside and kissed Ensign Keller for driving in with Clint. I played it cool, though, and stood. “All right. Shall we go in and settle up?”

  After we’d taken care of our tabs—all of about four bucks for Clint, since he didn’t drink—we let everyone know we were leaving.

  “See you guys in the morning.” I wagged a finger at the group. “Don’t burn the place down or anything, all right?”

  “Burn it down?” Bailey laughed, swinging his beer wide enough he almost dumped it down Stevenson’s front. “Come on. You know that shit only happens when you’re here.”

  “Which means it’s definitely a good time for me to leave.” I turned to Clint. “Ready?”

  He smiled, not possibly knowing how much that fucked with my blood pressure. “Whenever you are.”

  “Let’s roll.”

  As we headed out to my car, an unfamiliar fluttery feeling rose in my chest. Glancing at Clint only made it worse. Better? More intense, anyway.

  Bizarre. Was I . . .

  Giddy?

  As Travis drove through the gate and off the base, I sent up a prayer of thanks that on the day he’d offered me a ride home, it had been Keller’s day to drive. Perfect. Even if I had no idea what to say or what might happen, I wasn’t about to say no to some more time alone with Travis, and my lack of a car gave me the perfect excuse.

  Pity I couldn’t muster up much conversation. It was just as well Travis was driving too. I would’ve been all over the road, and I hadn’t even had a drop to drink. Stone-cold sober and I barely had the brainpower to give him the stupid easy directions to my apartment.

  Way to take advantage of having him alone.

  With less than a mile to go, I said, “Thanks again for the lift.”

  “Don’t mention it.” He smiled. “Like I said, you got me and my kid home the other night, so I owed you one.”

  Right. Returning a favor. Don’t read anything into it.

  “Eh, I think we’re even after you bailed me out back at the club.”

  Travis laughed. “Not really. I probably should’ve warned you about that when I asked you to come tonight.”

  “It wasn’t like it was much of a shock. I do work around them, remember?”

  “True. True.” He tapped his thumbs on the wheel like he was nervous or something. “Still, I could’ve at least given you a heads-up that once they get some beer in them, they—”

  “It’s okay. Really. I’ve been in the Navy for eighteen years. I know how it all works.”

  He glanced at me, his forehead creased and eyebrows knitted together, but he relaxed a bit as he faced the road again. We drove in silence for a few blocks. Then he rested a hand on top of the wheel and his other arm on the console and, gaze fixed on the road, he said, “So I’m curious about something.”

  Please, please don’t ask why I don’t fly drones anymore. “Sure.”

  “Why did you come back the other night? To the Navy Ball?”

  My throat tightened. “Uh . . .”

  “I’m just curious. You and your date hightailed it out of there, so I guess I was surprised to see you come back. Especially . . .” he hesitated, “alone.”

  “Well.” I muffled a cough. “I needed to get him home. And leave him there. After that, I guess I . . .” Heat rushed into my cheeks. “I mean, it . . .” I gestured up ahead on the left. “Oh. This is the place.”

  “Here?”

  “Yeah.”

  He put on his signal and turned into the lot, and I hoped the momentary interruption was enough to make us both forget what we’d been talking about.

  “Should I, uh . . .” His eyes flicked toward me. “Should I park, or—”

  “Just take one of those.” I pointed at the guest spots near the entrance.

  Travis turned into one, but left the engine idling. For a moment, neither of us spoke.

  “So . . .” I gulped. “Thanks for the ride. The lift.”

  He chuckled. “Don’t mention it. Thanks again for the other night.” He winced. “Getting us home, I mean.”

  “I know what you meant.” I went to unbuckle my seat belt, but didn’t, as if it were all that was keeping me from jumping out of the car and putting some breathing room between us. “Anyway, I appreciate the— I guess I’ll see you at work tomorrow.”

  “Yeah. I mean . . .” He focused on something in front of the car. “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll see you at work.” Hesitantly, maybe even a bit cautiously, he turned to me. I wondered if his heart was thumping like mine was. He said nothing, but I swore I could feel the unspoken you didn’t answer my question.

  The humming engine emphasized the silence between us, and my inability to look him in the eye only made his gentle scrutiny that much harder to ignore.

  Finally, I couldn’t take anymore.

  “There’s, uh . . .” Whoa, my heart really was going crazy. “Can I confess something?”

  Travis inclined his head. “If it’s the whereabouts of Captain Rodriguez’s tape dispenser, I don’t want to lose my plausible deniability.”

  I laughed for real, which helped me calm down. Sort of. Got me breathing, anyway. “If I knew, I wouldn’t tell you.”

  “Good. So . . .” His eyebrow arched. “What’s your confession?”

  “Well.” I exhaled. “Okay, you know what? I’ll just put it out there. The other night, when I left and then came back to the Navy Ball . . .” I stared out the windshield.

  Travis watched me. He didn’t say a word, and somehow the silence was worse than if he’d prodded me.

  Finally, I shook my head. “I’ll be honest—I hate those things. It’s like prom for adults.”

  Travis laughed. “Me too. They’re awful.”

  “But you went?”

  He shrugged. “My daughter wanted to go.” He studied me. “And you went too.”

  “Yeah.” I focused on the building ahead of us again. “Yeah, I . . .” Oh hell. No point in dancing around the topic, was there? “I brought Logan because I wanted to come out. To the command. Put it out there that I have—had a boyfriend.” I covered my face with both hands and muttered, “God, it sounds so stupid now.”

  “But mission accomplished, right?”

  “Something like that.” I pressed my thumb and forefinger into the bridge of my nose. “And instead of getting it off my chest
and being out, I realized our relationship was a disaster.” I closed my eyes and sighed. “What I should have— Christ, I was such a fucking idiot. I could’ve just come out, you know? Mentioned him. Not made such a big deal out of it.”

  “I don’t think you really made a big deal out of it. You showed up with a guy like it was perfectly normal. Since, you know, it is perfectly normal.”

  Said the man who probably hadn’t been looking down the barrel of forty the first time he’d had sex with a man. Maybe all this was normal for him. Or even for this command. For me? Not so much.

  I lowered my hand. “Well, it’s done. I left early with him because we needed to end things and be done with it.”

  “You did look pretty miserable.”

  I nodded. “I was. So I cut him loose. I still feel like a dick for that, but the drinking, it . . .” I rubbed a hand over my face. “I couldn’t cope with it anymore, you know?”

  “But then you came back to the ball.” That question. That still-unanswered question.

  “I did.”

  “For a reason.”

  The question stubbornly hung in the air and wasn’t moving. I’d brought up the subject with every intention of telling him exactly why I’d left and then come back, but now that we were knee-deep in the topic, I choked.

  Travis turned off the ignition, and the engine shuddered once before falling silent. Now the quiet was really uncomfortable. “Clint.”

  Oh shit. We’re still on a first-name basis, aren’t we? Would this be different if you were still Commander Wilson?

  I turned to him, wondering when my hands had started shaking.

  He looked me right in the eye. “Why did you come back?” The question was gentle. Like he was coaxing the answer out of me, not interrogating me.

  “I came back . . .” I took a deep breath. “For the same reason I went out with everyone tonight.” I swallowed. “Because you were there.”

  He straightened slightly. “Is that right?”

  “Yeah. I guess I wanted to talk to you more. After the conversation over dinner, and . . . I mean, I didn’t even realize you were gay until—”

  “Bi.”

  “Huh?”

  “Bi.” He smiled. “I’m bi. But go on.”

  “Right. Right. I didn’t realize you were, uh, into men until that night. When you said something about taking a guy to a wedding.”

  Travis took off his seat belt. I jumped when it snapped back against the door. Again when he put his hand on my thigh. With the heat of his palm radiating through my camo pants, I thought I was going to go up in flames right then and there.

  What the hell is happening?

  “I mentioned that guy on purpose,” Travis said softly. “For two reasons.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Mm-hmm.” His voice was even quieter now, forcing me to lean in to hear him. “One, so you’d know you weren’t the only queer guy at the table. Or in the office, for that matter.”

  I glanced down at his hand on my leg. When I looked at him again, I swore he was even closer. Or had I moved closer? Whatever the case, there wasn’t nearly as much air between us now.

  “And—” I nearly choked on my own breath. “And the second reason?”

  A grin that seemed equal parts sly and shy spread across his lips. “Because . . . Well, I wasn’t going to make a move on a man with a boyfriend, even if you guys didn’t seem too thrilled with each other, but I guess I might’ve been testing the water.”

  I would’ve laughed if I still remembered how to breathe. All the “you’re kidding” and “seriously?” responses died at the tip of my tongue because the hand on my leg and the nearness of his lips made the answer pretty fucking obvious. And as he came in even closer, and my heart beat faster, and his fingers pressed into my leg, and—

  “Wait, I—” He stiffened suddenly.

  Damn it!

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “I, uh, had a cigarette earlier.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “But . . .” He swept his tongue across his lips, which electrified my whole body.

  I squirmed in my seat. I don’t care if you smoke. Just kiss me, damn it.

  His eyes flicked from mine to my lips. I wasn’t sure if it was my heart pounding that hard, or if I could actually hear his, but somebody’s pulse was going wild. And mine kept racing faster and faster as we hovered there, neither of us making a move to close the remaining distance.

  To hell with it. I hadn’t gotten anywhere in life by quietly waiting for someone else to make things happen, so I ignored my nerves, reached across the console, and kissed him.

  Immediately, his arm went around me. I let him take the lead, and God, yes, he took it. His tongue gently parted my lips, and he deepened the kiss as if his nerves and hesitation had simply vanished. He wasn’t too aggressive, but he damn sure knew what he wanted, and I let him explore my mouth like I explored his.

  Yeah, I could taste the smoke, but it had been too damn long since I’d kissed a man who didn’t taste like booze. And really, when had I ever kissed a man like this?

  Fuck. Holy fuck. All those times when I’d wondered if I was really into men or just curious seemed ridiculous now. Of course I was attracted to men. Kissing Travis, running my hands all over his clothed body, breathing in his aftershave—oh yeah. I was into men. Especially this one.

  He slid his hands up into my hair. Though my hair was short, he found enough of a handful to pull my head back.

  Oh God. If you kiss my neck, I swear I’ll—

  Oh. Sweet. Jesus. Yes.

  He kissed his way up and down my throat so eagerly, I thought he was going to sink his teeth in. And when he didn’t, I was disappointed. What the hell? Fuck it. I loved what he was doing even if he didn’t bite me.

  “For the record,” he said against my neck, “I am really glad you came back to the Navy Ball.”

  “Yeah,” I panted. “Me too.” I shivered, which made the seat belt dig into my hard-on. “You know, we might be more comfortable if we went inside.”

  Travis pulled back and looked at me. He swept his tongue across his lips and watched me do the same. For a split second, I was positive he was going to suggest we quit before we got in over our heads—too late—but instead, he grinned. “That sounds like a good idea to me.”

  We separated and got out of the car, and I couldn’t help laughing when I caught him adjusting the front of his uniform as I was doing the same. God help me if any of my neighbors saw, but . . . hell, I didn’t care.

  We hurried up the walk, and I fumbled with my keys for a moment before finally getting the door unlocked. I managed to shut the door, and then Travis grabbed a handful of my shirt, pulled me in, and kissed me again.

  Jesus. Fuck. Yes.

  I hadn’t realized until now how much the car had hindered us. In here, without its close confines or that stupid console between us, we were right up against each other—chest to chest, hands all over, even his knee sliding past mine and my boot between his.

  We stumbled from the entryway to the kitchen. Bumped the counter. The stove. The fridge. Something fell, but it didn’t sound important and I didn’t hear any glass break, so it could wait.

  At some point we came up for air, and we both needed it—I couldn’t remember being this out of breath with someone. Funny how oxygen lost its importance with a skilled kisser like Travis.

  “My God.” He touched his forehead to mine. “This, uh, wasn’t what I had in mind when I suggested giving you a lift home.”

  “Ditto. And I’ve, um . . .” I gulped. “Can’t say I’ve ever done anything with someone I work with.”

  Travis’s smile was gentle and playful at the same time. “I have.” He combed his fingers through my hair. “It does have one unfortunate drawback.”

  My stomach somersaulted. “What’s that?”

  His smile turned to a grin, and his fingers curled against my scalp, drawing me in. “It’ll make the work days go by so
much slower.” Then he kissed me again.

  I could live with longer workdays, especially since we worked in the same building. I already spent a good portion of my time fantasizing about him—how much worse could it get if I knew those fantasies were real?

  I gripped his belt, holding his hips against me so he could feel how hard I was. I loved aggressive kissing. Loved it. The way his hands were constantly on the move—running through my hair, sliding up and down my sides, curving over my ass—drove me wild.

  “If it’s not too forward,” he said, lips barely leaving mine, “I would kill to see you naked right now.”

  Holy fuck. He was direct, and dirty, and . . . dressed. Why were we dressed?

  “Well,” I panted, “we could kick off these clothes and fuck right here in the kitchen, but I think a bed might be better.”

  “Like that idea. You do keep a bed somewhere here, don’t you?”

  “Last I checked, yeah.” I lifted my head and brushed my lips across his. “Unless someone stole it while I was out.”

  “We should go check, then. You know . . . peace of mind and all.”

  “Screw peace of mind. I want a piece of you.”

  “Which means going to the same place you keep your bed, so . . .”

  “Good point.”

  I led him down the hall. Halfway to the bedroom, though, he stopped and pinned me to the wall, and the way he kissed wound me up and made the bed seem that much farther away.

  I pushed him back a step, took his hand, and led him the rest of the way to the bedroom. We stepped through the door, I flicked the light on, and immediately, Travis’s arms were around me again.

  “Look at that,” I said against his lips. “Bed’s still here.”

  “Good.” When we kissed, his soft moan almost knocked my knees out from under me. “Bed can wait. I just . . . I can’t . . .”

  I kissed him, silencing him, and neither of us made any attempt to pull apart and continue on our way. Just needed to get to the bed, get these clothes off, and we could finally fuck each other, and—

  I froze.

  “Oh damn it.”

  He met my eyes. “What? What’s wrong?”