by D. W. Cee
“But I give her that assurance continually and yet she’s still not convinced.”
Sarah laughed in the middle of chewing her steak. “When Emily used to describe her perfect guy to me long before you came along, she described you to a T. Her ideals have come to life and it scares her. She just told me yesterday you were too good to be true in her mind. You’re like a dream and she’s waiting to wake up to her reality. But, she loves you madly.”
“Okay, so if she loves me so much, why do tears glisten in her eyes every time Max enters the picture?”
“Have you not seen how tender hearted your girlfriend is? Max was her best friend and she considered him her family. Someone this close to her betrayed her one day. If I or Peter or Charlie had done this to her, she would be just as hurt. Obviously, it’s worse because Max was her boyfriend. Don’t take those tears so personally. She’s just being Emily.”
I felt much better after our talk. Prior to our talk, I knew Emily loved me. But now I believed Emily loved only me.
“Can you tell me about Max? Why did he leave Emily? I can’t understand how Emily could have been so wrong about him. She thought he was going to propose to her but instead he leaves her… I don’t get it.”
Sarah’s mouth twisted oddly and she stopped eating. Her silence scared me. “Do you really want to know?”
“Do you know something Emily doesn’t know?”
She nodded yes.
“I’ll tell you if you promise not to tell Emily. I guess it won’t matter. Emily has you now.” Her comment frightened me even more.
“Emily was right. Max was going to propose to her on graduation night.”
“What?!?” I dropped my utensils. “What happened?”
“To make a long story short, he couldn’t reconcile his desire to marry her with his lack of a future. He let her go thinking it was the best thing to do for her. After all she’d been through with her parents, he wanted her to have a stable and secure life with someone... like you, perhaps. Maybe Max knew you were just around the corner. It literally almost killed him to be away from her. As much as you don’t want to hear this, Max loved Emily just as much as you love her.”
Sarah’s words absolutely changed the way I viewed Max. While Sarah perused the dessert menu, my mind couldn’t let go of Max’s selfless act. Could I give up my love so she could have a better life? It was a gamble I wouldn’t take but for Max, he gave up Emily believing she would find someone better than himself. He truly did love Emily more than his own life. Did he love her more than I loved her?
A chilling thought crept into my mind. “Sarah, you don’t think Max will try and win Emily back do you? He wouldn’t propose to her or anything like that, right?”
“I don’t think so and even if he did try, I don’t think you have anything to worry about. Charlie and I were bowled over when we saw you and Emily that first weekend you two met. She was a whole other person the way she flirted with you.”
“That was a fun weekend,” I agreed. “Thanks, Sarah. I feel much better.”
“Thank you. What a fantastic dinner. I’ll have to gloat when I see your girlfriend tomorrow. I promise you, she’ll pout.”
I chuckled as I enjoyed watching my Emily pout.
Early the next morning, I left Vegas along with Sarah, Charlie and Peter, who wanted to visit the Skywalk. Charlie rode with me while Sarah hung out in Peter’s car. During the three hour ride, we talked mostly about our girlfriends.
“So… can I ask if you and Sarah are getting married anytime soon?” Possibly it was too personal to ask this but I felt comfortable enough.
“Well, can I trust you to keep this information from your girlfriend? If Emily finds out, there’s no way I can keep it a secret from Sarah.”
“I promise. I won’t say a word.”
“I bought a ring a few weeks ago and I was going to propose on Christmas but Sarah seemed suspicious so I didn’t go through with it. After 8 ½ years, it’s hard to surprise her. She reads me like a romance novel.” We both cracked up at this comment. “I heard you popped the question already.” Charlie had a I feel for you look on his face.
“Yeah. I think it was way too soon for my girlfriend. She rejected me even before I finished my question.”
“Sarah told me Emily sounded like she regretted saying no to you. Since I divulged my only secret, will you tell me something?”
I looked over at him wondering what he would want to know.
“The text message you sent while we were driving over to Vegas… there’s no way you and Emily… not after she held out for four years with Max.” His head shook automatically along with a “no...”
I laughed at him. “Emily warned me never to kiss and tell.”
“No way! I don’t believe you. Not our Emily.”
“Correction, she’s my Emily and no… we didn’t do anything to change your views of her. Her status hasn’t changed.”
“So what was the text all about?” Charlie wouldn’t let it go. I had to tell him something.
“Emily was extremely tired in Hawaii after our first day and I coaxed her into bed with me but nothing happened. We were probably both snoring away. It was an exhausting day.”
“Oh…” He sounded disappointed there wasn’t much else. “That’s still huge you slept in the same room with her – in the same bed.”
“Yeah, she was pretty freaked out when she got up in the morning.” A silly smiled donned my face picturing Emily in that white robe, hair all knotted because it was wet from the night before, and unable to walk from all the exercise. “So when are you going to propose? Do you have another date in mind?”
“Yeah. We are supposed to go to Napa over the three day weekend so I thought I’d do it there on a hot air balloon.”
“That sounds great. Maybe proposing in a car wasn’t the best idea. Next time it’ll be in a much more romantic setting.”
“There’s a next time already?” Charlie looked surprised.
“Oh yeah. We’re going to Paris in February for a week and I plan to ask again. With that kind of setting, Emily’s bound to say yes. If she rejects me again, I might keep her hostage there until she changes her mind.” We both got a good chuckle.
Finally arriving at the Skywalk a bit after 8:00 we all walked over looking for Emily and Max. There were so many people on the Skywalk it was hard locating the two of them. I scanned everyone who looked to be about Emily’s build and finally I found her right in the middle of the skywalk. Delighted to see her, I hastened my pace. Oddly, she looked frozen and only looked down even though I continued to call out her name.
Following her eye, I stared at her view and saw Max on one knee holding onto Emily’s left hand. If I didn’t know better, it looked like Max was proposing to my girlfriend. Angrily I shouted her name. “Emi!” All eyes peered her way and I could hear Sarah groaning, “What is he doing? Why is Max on his knee?” Sarah sounded as aghast as I felt.
“Sweetheart.” I got to Emily as quickly as possible and turned her away from Max. “Are you alright?” She looked scared. “What just happened?” I angrily turned this question towards Max.
Charlie and Peter came and pulled Max away while Sarah made sure Emily was okay. Adding to my anger Max put his hands on Emily’s arms and told her, “Em, take your time, I’ll wait.” I didn’t have to ask Emily to figure out what had just happened. He used his time with Emily to try and win her back.
But, I still needed Emily to explain what I just witnessed.
“What happened, Emily? What was that all about?”
She stayed silent.
“Emi, please. Can you tell me why I saw Max on his knee?” She still wouldn’t talk. Her silence agitated and infuriated me. To me this silence was no different than a confession. Something happened between the two of them yesterday and she was defending their actions. Frustration mounted and I yelled at her. “EMILY!”
Tears brimmed to the edge of her eyes but she didn’t cry. She kept her head down and
quietly answered, “Max just proposed to me.”
She confirmed my fear. “Why would he do that? What happened between you two yesterday? Did something happen last night?” I yelled even louder.
As soon as I said those words Emily’s big brown eyes looked betrayed and the tears flowed. Initially I felt guilty for accusing her of something I knew she would never do but my anger got the best of me.
“What happened last night?” I asked again angrier than I should’ve been.
She defended herself and Max and told me nothing happened. In my heart I knew Emily didn’t love Max and I knew she would do nothing to hurt me but my words kept betraying me.
“Why would he be encouraged enough to propose to you, if nothing happened?”
Emily explained what Sarah told me last night at dinner and at this point, I wanted to apologize to Emily for being so furious with her and forget Max’s proposal ever happened.
“So what did you say to him?” Of course I knew the answer, but I wanted to hear how she rejected Max’s proposal.
“Jake…” She stopped and my heart sank. Was that fear or contrition in her voice? “I didn’t get a chance to answer Max.”
“What do you mean you didn’t answer him? Emily, I don’t understand.” There must be something wrong here, I thought. This was all a serious nightmare.
Emily’s face, full of sorrow and pain, explained it all . “Jake, I’m sorry. I don’t know why but I went mute. I was in such shock when he asked me… and I knew the right answer was no… but it wouldn’t come out. Then you came and… I don’t know what happened.”
Now, I was the one in pain. “How could you turn down my proposal without a second thought but give his proposal a second chance?” I couldn’t believe my ears. The woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with was contemplating whether or not she wanted to spend the rest of her life with not me – but Max.
She tried to defend herself again. “I’m not giving him another chance. I don’t want to marry him!” This time she was angry and adamant.
“Then why didn’t you tell him that?” I was even more incensed.
Deflated, she answered, “I don’t know… but I will… I will as soon as I see him.”
Emily then tried to talk to me and tell me how she loved me. The only words I could hear in my mind at this time was Emily saying no to me and yes to Max. After all I had done for her, after the abundant love I had given her, it ended with her choosing her past boyfriend of four years over me. I decided to walk away before I uttered something I may really regret.
Emily’s cries echoed in the background as I walked into the crowd. With no more desire left to try persuading her to love me and me only, I drove the car back home. I figured she’d prefer to catch a ride with Max and her friends.
Everywhere I turned I saw bleakness. A life without Emily was not in my plans. I pictured us getting engaged at the Eiffel Tower in February and being married by the end of summer. We’d take a long passionate honeymoon on some island and spend time in those island huts she’d put on her bucket list. Rather than teaching, she could take cooking classes and enjoy the time till our first child was born. I imagined the joy of a first great grandchild in the Reid family. He or she would be spoiled by every aunt, uncle and cousin, not to mention the immediate grandparents. We would host Sunday barbeques. We’d raise the kids, retire and love each other till we died. Emily, how could you not want this future for us?
Angry as I was I felt guilty walking out on Emily. I knew she was hurt and I knew she’d be crying. I hoped Sarah would take care of her. Where would we go from here?
Next morning was New Year’s Day and I woke up to the sound of my phone.
Happy New Year, Jake. I’m alone in Texas right now visiting my parents. My parents would have liked meeting you. You three would’ve gotten along well. I thought this new year would bring us closer together. I guess I botched up my own hope. My new hope is that you find it in your heart to forgive me. I’m so sorry for hurting you. I would like to share with you what’s in my heart right now. Please call me.
I was too angry to call yet heartbroken envisioning my girlfriend alone on New Year’s Day. How lonely she must feel right now, by herself. I wanted to fly out and be with her and meet her parents. She sounded penitent in her text but I still couldn’t rid my mind of Max, down on his knee, proposing. I decided to ignore her text and go to work.
To my annoyance, Jane came out of her room at the same time.
“Hey. Are you off to pick up Emily?”
I didn’t answer her.
“Jake. What’s the matter?”
“Jane, can you leave me alone?” my voice asked while my mind begged.
“Jake! What happened? Never mind. I’m going to call Emily to find out.”
I stood next to Jane hoping to hear how Emily was doing.
“Hi Emily,” Jane said cheerfully. “It’s me Jane. Where are you? Aren’t you going to the Chief’s tailgate party? Everyone will be asking for you.”
Jane was silent for a while then she looked at me.
“Yeah, I talked to him but he wouldn’t say much. He’s such a grouch and a loner when things don’t go his way. He’s a bit moody right now.” Relieved she was asking about me I wanted to rip the phone out of Jane’s hands to make sure Emily was well. “Okay. See you later.”
Jane walked away from me and I had to pull her back for an explanation.
“What did she say? How is she doing?”
“She’s in Texas visiting her parents. Shouldn’t you be with her right now? Her voice was hoarse like she’d been crying… a lot. Whatever happened between you two, let it go. Don’t be your immature self. Call her and talk to her.”
Jane made perfect sense but I ignored her comment and walked down the hallway.
“Jake! It’s New Year’s Day and Emily’s by herself. She has no family. Imagine how sad she’ll be visiting her parents alone. You can be such a jerk sometimes. Let go of that stupid pride. Call her. Do you want me to call her for you?”
More than anything I wished Jane would take the initiative and force me to speak with Emily. This would be the only way my pride would allow Emily back into my life at this moment. Of course, Jane had no idea of what I desired and I surely couldn’t explain it to her.
“Jake, let me tell you something. Back in San Francisco and the other night on the plane, Emily confessed to me how much she loved you and how her feelings for you frightened her. She thought you were too perfect in her imperfect world. I tried to convince her that she was being needlessly paranoid but deep inside I don’t think she ever let go of the idea that you would walk away from her one day.”
My heart ripped into even smaller pieces. I, a grown man, wanted to cry.
“You’ve now validated her fears. Don’t you know how lonely Emily has been for so long? She might look and sound cheerful on the outside, but on the inside she’s like a timid child at a new school - looking for a friend to sit with, to have lunch with, to be friends with. You were her best friend and I don’t know what went wrong, but she’s crushed right now. Talk to her…”
Like a fool, I walked away.
Today was a day I would have begged for more work. Everyone’s heart seemed to be well except mine. Eight hours of misery later I walked out of the hospital contemplating where I should go. My car drove itself to Emily’s house. Parked outside her home I thought about what I would do when she got home. Would I forgive her and continue with this relationship? Did she want to be forgiven? Perhaps she wouldn’t want to continue our relationship.
I couldn’t help recounting all the times I told her I loved her and showed her my heart. She had never fully reciprocated. But… there was Christmas night where she attempted to reciprocate. A myriad of conflicting thoughts filled my mind. Did she love me? Did she not? There was one conclusion that arrested all other thoughts – she turned down my proposal but was considering Max’s. Once this entered my mind, I drove the car back home.
&nbs
p; There was another text waiting for me when I got home. Apparently I hadn’t taken my phone to work.
Hi Jake. I’m at the airport coming home after visiting my parents. I’d hoped that you might have called by now – but you haven’t. I know I messed up our relationship but I’d really like to try and work it out with you. Please forgive me. I can’t imagine how hurt you must be right now. Believe me when I tell you I love you. Please call me.
It baffled me how she could be considering another man’s proposal but tell me she loved me. I was livid reading this text. I couldn’t think clearly; I had to turn in for the night.
Hi Jake. School starts for me today. I'm quite relieved to have twenty-four kids clutter my mind from now on. I see that you haven’t found it in your heart to forgive me yet. It makes me sad but I understand. I still have hope that your love for me will win over your anger towards me. I hope you are doing well. I miss you. I love you.
Today’s text hit me harder than all the other ones I’d received. I knew my love for her was far greater than my anger towards this situation but I still couldn’t get myself to call her. I missed her terribly and I too felt enormously empty and lonely without her. I hurt knowing she hurt, but there was also a part of me that wanted her to hurt. I had been so good to her all this time; I had loved her so much since the day we met and this was the way she was treating me. If there was any justice she would be just as miserable without me as I was without her – no, she should be even more miserable! I wanted her to appreciate me.
Still, I stopped by her house daily. Picking up the phone and calling wasn’t an option but I wanted to be near her. Possibly, I wanted to run into her and tell her just how empty my life was without her. With or without Max in the picture, I desperately wanted her to know how I felt. Today I stopped by early in the morning but she had already left. On my way to work I got a call.