by D. W. Cee
I can’t figure out why he has such a hold on me. I feel like his prisoner. He can make me happy and miserable all at the same time. Why am I so weak? How can a guy I just met have such a bearing on my life? I don’t know how to answer this but what I do know is that I’m miserable right now. I want to call him but can’t knowing he’s working.
How sad am I? I wonder what kind of hold I have on him… probably none! I think he likes me but we haven’t really talked about us and I don’t know if he has any thoughts of where we are headed. I guess I’m not only frustrated but I’m also confused. We’re not officially boyfriend / girlfriend but we’re definitely more than friends.
Next time we get some time together, I hope we can talk about our relationship - if a relationship is what he wants.
November 22
It’s Sunday and Jake is not going to make it up to Bacara. He’s in town but working. Maybe he doesn’t really like me? Maybe this is his way of telling me he wants to slowly end the little that we have. I’m really confused.
When I talk to him on the phone, he sounds so genuine. He’s always talking about all the things he wants to do for me and how much he wants to be with me. But in actuality, we can’t even spend an hour together. I’d like to believe it’s because of his work but maybe I’m a fool to believe this. Oh goodness. I gave my heart too quickly and too deeply to a guy I just met and I’m going to be left hurting. Why do I do this to myself?
Whenever Jake talks about us and the future, half of me is thrilled he thinks we will be together for so long but the other half is scared to death he’ll leave me. I guess this was a good lesson learned. I really need to guard my heart more and not let Jake or anyone else hurt me so readily.
Sarah and I leave for New York tonight. I asked Jake to come see me off and he promised to be there. If he doesn’t come tonight I’ll consider all things finished and let go of my feelings for Jake.
November 22
He hasn’t come. I’ve been sitting here at the airport waiting for him. I’ve delayed my flight twice and this time I have to get on. Why did I trust my heart again? Against everything I thought – it’s too soon, he’s too perfect, Sarah thinks I’m crazy – I went with my emotions. Never again.
I thought he would come see me before I left. I guess my fears have been justified. I’ll have to try and erase all that’s happened with Jake so far while I’m in New York. What a bummer trip this will be.
UGH!!!
November 22
Jake came! He came to see me! He had to operate on someone and it lasted a long time. He showed up right before I had to board. Like a fool, I cried when I saw him. My heart was so sad at the thought of having to end everything with him. I really wanted this to work more than anything!
I told him how much I missed him and I want to believe him when he said he missed me more than anyone he’s ever missed. I also confessed how he makes me so happy when we’re together and so sad when we’re not. Could it be that I love this man already? Perhaps I knew I would love him since the day we met. Whenever we’re together I feel like I’m home. No one besides my parents – not even Max – ever made me feel this safe and loved.
I can’t believe I wrote three times today. I am so exhausted. The lucky girl that I am, Jake upgraded my seat to first class (yay!) so I can sleep the next five hours into JFK.
Sigh! How will I go a whole week without him? I’ll have to start thinking of ways to get out of this trip earlier. Maybe Sarah will tell me to go home if she notices how sullen I am. Then again, maybe not.
November 25
OMG! Can this week drag on any longer??? I’m kicking myself for having agreed to come here. I feel so bad. Sarah went out of her way to be with me instead of Charlie so I wouldn’t feel lonely but I’m hating every moment of this trip. I want to be with Jake.
Thanks to Jake I’ve eaten at my dream restaurant on the East Coast – Le Bernardin. It was every bit as good as touted. And today, we leave our luxurious suite, thanks to Jake again, for Sarah’s parents’ home. Oh… I talked to Jake’s sister Jane the other day. She sounded really sweet! I can’t wait to meet her.
I wonder what Jake is doing right now. I think I’ll call him.
December 10
Jake and I just got into another fight. He came over for dinner tonight and I asked him to go to this stupid Christmas Ball and that’s when everything went wrong. He got upset with me because I didn’t ask him earlier. Well, in all honesty, he was upset because he thought I wasn’t over Max. I told him I was but he didn’t believe me.
I don’t think I like Max anymore… do I? I’m sure there’s no more love in my heart for him but there is still a lot of hurt and there is a tie that I can’t cut off just yet. I asked Jake to be a bit more understanding of my pain. He didn’t want to be – he left me mid-dinner, mid-conversation.
I hate it when people leave me. I feel abandoned. I wish Jake hadn’t left. My phone is ringing. It’s Jake but I don’t think I can answer it. As it is I can’t stop the tears. If I talk to him, it will only get worse. UGH! Now he’s texting. If I don’t respond, he’ll be worried or worse yet he’ll stop by and see what a mess I am.
I wish Mom were around. I could talk to her about boys and she would tell me how I should react to situations such as this one. She would have all the right answers for me. She was always so savvy – something I am soooo not! I miss Mom and Dad.
December 11
Max is sleeping in the guest bedroom right next to me. What a shocking turn of events. We don’t see each other for eighteen months and now only a wall and a few yards separate us.
Jake took me to the Christmas Ball and as always had to leave early. I drudged through dinner and festivities without him, but instead, with Max and his new girlfriend. After the event, Max and I ended up together – at Peter’s scheming – and we went out for dinner. It was REALLY awkward at first but soon we loosened up and had a wonderful conversation. We realized that we were not just exes, but friends, and dear ones at that. We went back to being friends and told each other about the last eighteen months.
Max told me he was in med school. I was so proud of him for figuring out what he wanted to do with his life. He also told me he was hospitalized the summer after we broke up. The minute he told me about the accident, tears came out uncontrollably. Again, I felt like an idiot! Why I wear my emotions on my sleeve, I just don’t know. Max looked comforted. He actually held me for a while. It felt weird to be in his arms. It definitely did NOT feel right anymore. He didn’t stir my heart nor tug at my emotions. I can for sure admit I don’t like him anymore!
Anyhow, Max got really mad at me when I told him how Jake makes me feel. He took it as a slam against our four years together. How could he think I believed there was anything wrong with our four years together? I loved him so much during those years. Looking back I’m glad he was there for me during that time. It would have been hard not to have had Mom, Dad, and eventually Grandma and Grandpa without Max. He was there as my comfort during those times and I’m forever grateful for his love.
Tomorrow, or later this morning, I leave for a trip with Jake. I can’t wait! He promised me a whole day together. I hope we can find some stability to this relationship / courtship / whatever is it that we’re doing. I hope Jake likes me as much as I like him. I think he does but still I’m unsure…
December 12
Today was the most amazing day! No one has ever indulged me this much – EVER! We started on a flight up to San Francisco. No- we actually started off really awkward with Jake witnessing Peter, Jeff and Max all waking up in my house. I’ve never given Jake an option of spending the night here but he walked in to see three men sleeping in my house. Not fun! He didn’t look like he was having fun either. Well, that got worked out okay, thankfully.
The first place we drove to when we got up north … FRENCH LAUNDRY! How did this man know this was my absolute dream destination? The food… heavenly! The conversation… wonderfully heartfelt. We go
t issues out in the open and learned a lot about each other. I told Jake everything I could about Max and hoped that he believed my honesty and sincerity.
Then we drove to their family apartment and I did something I hadn’t ever done. I fell asleep with him on the sofa. It felt wonderful to wake up next to him. He also gave me this humongous diamond ring and asked me to be in a relationship with him – FINALLY! We are officially boyfriend and girlfriend. It made me happy that we were officially together.
I don’t know what time it is right now but I’m still here in SF and supposed to be sleeping in Jane’s room. Jake gave me three sleeping options and my heart wanted door #1 (Jake’s room) but my mind spoke out door #2 (Jane’s room). I would love nothing more than to snuggle into bed with Jake right now.
After getting to know the basics, Jane and I had a heart to heart tonight. I like her so much! She’s genuine and kind and very similar to Jake. Both siblings are so confident. They set a goal and work to achieve it. Jane was valedictorian of her high school and graduated magna cum laude at Columbia. She thought about going into journalism but decided to go to law school instead. She said that one day she would love to write a book. She’s so articulate and bright, she will most likely write a best seller.
Now that I’ve met Jane, I’m curious to know what Nick is like. Both Reids have told me he’s the brightest in mind and personality. I can’t wait to meet him as well as the parents who raised all three wonderful people.
December 16
I had lunch with Sarah today. She told me about her new project and she also told me she thinks Charlie’s about to propose to her. It is about time. They’ve been together 8 ½ years. I don’t know how she’s waited this long. I guess it’s not hard when you already know he’s the one. They’re really no different than a married couple. Charlie loves her so much! Maybe he’ll propose on Christmas? Maybe that’s too obvious. Maybe I’ll call and see if he needs my help. Yeah, right. Like he’s going to tell me about the proposal.
Jake came by again tonight and I told him about Mom and Dad and how they got together. He liked their story a lot. Who wouldn’t like a happy ending? I wonder if we will have a happy ending? I’m beginning to believe we may be headed that way. It’s early but I think Jake’s the one.
December 23
Jake’s family is incredible. I must be dreaming. Not only is Jake the most amazing man, his family is just as wonderful.
Jake’s mom, Sandy doted on me from the moment we met at the airport. She’s so affectionate. She reminds me of Mom. Mom used to hold my hand or put her arms around me all the time. She used to always touch me no matter where we were. Sandy does the same thing. From the moment I see her in the morning, she’ll hug me good morning or she’ll rub my back when she asks me a question or she’ll just put her hands around my arm and walk with me – that is of course when Jake is not all over me.
I love the attention. She’s treated me no differently than any of her three kids. I feel like the fourth even though I’m not family. Most likely she’s like this with everyone but I’m sensitive to it because I haven’t felt a mother’s touch in so long.
Bobby, Jake’s dad is just as wonderful. He is quite verbally affectionate. He’s always complementing me or giving me choices on what I’d like to do. He does this in such a way where it doesn’t come off as just being polite. Once I figured out he wasn’t just asking out of courtesy, I started giving him my honest opinions. I even put in requests from time to time.
I don’t know if it’s right to feel so comfortable with Jake’s family. I shouldn’t unnecessarily put my hopes in a family who might never be mine.
December 25
Dear Jake,
Merry Christmas! The last two months have been a daily Christmas present with you in my life. I appreciate your unconditional love, your patience, but above all, I appreciate you. I love the way you smile when I say or do something silly and I love the way your eyes twinkle when I say the right words. But most of all, I love the way I feel every time I’m with you. You know that feeling when you go away for a while and come back home and you think… Ahhh! It’s good to be home? That comforting feeling, that, this is where I belong feeling? Well, this is what I experience whenever I see you. I am home when I’m with you.
I’m sorry I spoke so soon today after you proposed to me. That wasn’t really what was in my heart. I regretted my answer the moment it came out of my mouth but I was scared. I’ve never felt so sure about anything in my life as I do about you. How ironic. My absolute feelings about you frighten me.
I’ve known for some time that I am crazy in love with you and want nothing more than to be with you the rest of my life. I guess I’m having a difficult time believing you will still want the same thing a few years down the road. I’m sorry for doubting you. Though I turned you down today, I hope you’ll ask again and I hope I’ll be brave enough to speak what’s already in my heart.
You’ve made me look to the future with a smile and I thank you. I hope this book has given you a glimpse of how much you mean to me. Thank you for loving me.
I love You,
Your Emily
Emily, you silly, fearful and crazy girl, how can you have been so unsure of us? No wonder you so easily believed I didn’t love you anymore and left me. No wonder you could simply give up everything we had and go be alone in Japan. How many times did I tell you not to doubt my love for you? How many times did I tell you I loved you? Was it that difficult to believe me?
If there was anyone in this relationship who didn’t show their true feelings, it was you. I’m overjoyed after reading this journal. I didn’t know you loved me so much and for so long. I also didn’t know you wanted to be kissed from day one. I would have obliged happily. I wish you would have told me all your feelings. I wish I would have read this journal sooner. If I had, I wouldn’t have jumped to any wrong conclusions about you and Max.
I’m sorry for my terrible assumptions about you and Max. I know I hurt you badly. I can’t believe how mean I was to you. What pains me the most is that I left you alone at the Skywalk. Like that night at LAX, I should have believed you trusted me to come back for you. What a fool I was. Once again, I only thought about how I felt, not about how you were feeling.
Oh Emily, how lonely you must be right now. My heart grieves. Come home my love. Come back to me.
After reading Emily’s journal, I got a second wind of hope. My life flashed before me again and this time I saw Emily by my side. I didn’t know when it would happen, but I knew I would find her and spend the rest of my life loving her.
I got back to the hospital and went about my routine. Morning surgeries continued, patients appeared happy to see me back after a week absence and most of all, the Chief appreciated my almost cheerful disposition. Mom and Dad too stopped tip toeing around me and we were back to being a family again. Jane called often and sent me Emily’s letters weekly and soon Nick joined in and drove over Emily’s letters. I had a good sense of how she was doing but soon spiraled back to my abyss as she never wrote again after that first letter.
The Chief found me at lunch one day and had a funny looking grin.
“Are you excited to leave for Paris on Sunday?”
“Paris? What do you mean leave for Paris?”
“Jake. You were supposed to go to a conference for me in Paris. I guess you forgot? You’re probably not in the mood to go but the hospital is counting on you to represent us. Maybe it will be good for you to get away.”
How could a trip to Paris – a trip that was originally planned for me and Emily – be good for me at this point? But, like the rest of my life right now, I didn’t have a choice.
“Ok. I’ll go.”
“Thanks. And Jake?”
I wondered what the Chief needed now. “Yes?”
“I’m really sorry about Emily. I feel terrible I sent you up to Seattle. But I know you’ll find her soon. She can’t stay away from a charming guy like you for too long.” The Chief laughed
and walked away.
That was my initial thought when Emily first left. After her confessions in her journal, I thought there would be no way she could stay away from me for too long. There again was my over estimation of my worth. Emily had been gone for almost a month and she had no thought of keeping in touch me with ever again.
No matter my state of mind and heart, Paris was stunning. Chilly but beautiful, this was a city meant to be shared with a lover. Never did I imagine I would be so depressed in Paris.
My phone rang during a lunch break.
“Jakey.”
“Hi Gram. How are you doing?”
“Have you had any contact with Emily yet? Has she called or written again?”
“No. She’s been writing Jane weekly and she’s also started writing Nick but I haven’t received anything since the first letter.”
“How are you holding up?”
“I don’t know Gram. It doesn’t get any easier as the days go by.”
“I’m coming out to see you today. Let’s meet for dinner.”
“Gram, you don’t have to do that. I’ll come see you when the conference is all over.”
“No, I think you need me there. My assistant will send you a time and place for us to have dinner. I’ll see you later today.”