by Claire Thake
“Carrie, I’m here for you, whatever you need I will do my best to help you” he didn’t know what else to say and instead hoped his feelings could be felt from his actions as he held her as tight as he could. He wished he could take all the hurt away from her. She had been through so much in her life; she deserved a break, not to go through losing her mother when they had only just found each other again.
The days all mixed together and Carrie completely lost all track of what day it was. She spent all the time she could at the hospital with her mother, only leaving to get a quick shower and a bite to eat and then returning as soon as she could.
Jason and Daniel had been the same although Daniel made sure when Carrie and Jason were both with their mum that he left to give them both time and space, although Carrie had to admit, she felt lost when he was gone.
She knew they had a lot to discuss about what had happened but right now all she was grateful for was his presence and helping her have the strength she needed daily as she watched as her mum slowly deteriorated day by day.
Sitting on the edge of the bed she held her mother’s hand as the old lady smiled up at her.
“I love seeing you happy Carrie. Seeing you glow again makes me feel happier than you will ever know. He is good for you, I can tell you have doubts, and the road is never a smooth one but I trust he will look after you and make you happy. He has already proved how much he is willing to do for you”
Carrie took in her mother’s words and although she was still hurt over the ‘Ella’ situation, she could see what her mother was saying. Daniel had dropped everything to come and find her in London, and she had practically thrown him out, yet he had stayed and then when she needed him, he had once again dropped everything to comfort her and left the farm in someone else’s hands to be by her side during one of the most difficult moments of her life.
In a way Ian’s death had been easier, although the pain still ate away at her and the wound was still very raw, seeing her mum slowly dying day by day was heart breaking and painful, knowing there was nothing she could do.
“Be honest with yourself Carrie, I can see it in your eyes when you look at him. You love him don’t you?” Unable to speak Carrie nodded, knowing no matter how much she denied it her mother was right. She had fallen head over heels for Daniel and she knew now whatever had happened with Ella, she couldn’t lose him over it.
“Carrie, seeing you happy is a dream come true and I can die happy knowing you have someone to look after you. I worried so much when you shut me out and even though I know you don’t need a man to succeed in life, I can see how perfect you are for each other. The only regret I have is not living to meet my future Grandchildren.
Carrie began to sob silently, the secret she had held so close for years eating away at her and she knew she owed it to her mother to tell her the truth.
“Mum I’m so sorry” she sobbed, rubbing a hand over her face “I should never have kept it from you”
Anne looked confused and willed Carrie to continue and to get whatever she needed to off of her chest.
“You already have a grandchild and I don’t mean Mia. I was pregnant the day of the accident, the impact from the crash not only killed Ian but it killed our daughter” Carrie sobbed as she remembered the moment the doctors had told her, her baby hadn’t survived, and although it had been too early to know the sex of the baby, Carrie had always had a feeling it had been a girl.
“We were going to call her Annie…After you mum”
Chapter 16
“Happy Birthday baby” Carrie screeched as she jumped up and down on the bed. Ian winced, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and looked up at her smiling.
“How on earth have you got this much energy, at this time in the morning?” He asked before leaning forward, grabbing her around the waist and pulling her down to his level. Carrie shrieked but fell easily into his embrace, straddling his lap and enjoying the feel of his strong, protective arms around her.
“Do you want your birthday present?” She asked, a cheeky smile lighting up her pale features.
“Depends what it is? Can you wrap yourself up with a bow?” he teased running his hands up and down her back.
“You can have me whenever you want so I wouldn’t really call that a present” she giggled, pushing his arms away and jumping off the bed. She walked over to her dresser and pulled out a rectangular shaped parcel, wrapped in shiny pink paper with a large blue bow on the top, before joining him back on the large queen size bed, which sat in the middle of their very spacious bedroom.
“This is a very good present, but not the only one you will be getting today, the rest I’m saving for later so you will have to wait for them” She said, a grin beaming across her face. Ian looked up into his wife’s eyes and pulled his lips into a pout. Giggling she gave him a gentle slap on the arm and pushed the box into his hands.
Ian observed the excitement on her face as he slowly unwrapped the bow and began to carefully peel apart the wrapping revealing a black cardboard box, his brows knitted together wondering what could be inside and looking up at Carrie he could see her biting her bottom lip, a habit she had when she was nervous.
“Don’t look so nervous beautiful, anything from you I will treasure, you know that” Carrie rolled her eyes and started bouncing around on the bed.
“Just shut up and open it please” She demanded, a nervous glint in her eyes. Opening the box Ian’s eyes widened and his jaw dropped, he didn’t do anything but stare at the contents of the box. Blinking he turned to Carrie
“Please tell me this is real and not a joke?”
“It’s real” she whispered smiling
“This is the best present you could have ever given me” placing the box on the bedside table he leant over and embraced his wife, before cupping her face in his hands and planting the softest of kisses on her nose “I love you so much Carrie Summers” he whispered.
“Happy Birthday Daddy” Carrie whispered seeing the joy on her husband’s face. Excited for the future they had as a family.
“So what are we going to call the little bean?” Ian smiled at his wife in the mirror as she sat putting on her makeup, getting ready to go out to dinner for his birthday.
“I have no idea on names” she giggled, “we should decide once we’ve been for a scan and found out the sex”
“Sex mmmmm” his groaned wrapping an arm around her shoulder and nibbling her ear. “How about Joseph for a boy? or Annie for a girl?” he suggested
“Where did you get those from?” she asked wrinkling up her nose.
“Joseph after my father, or Annie after your mother” he answered. Her heart swelled at how thoughtful he was, wanting to name their child after 1 of the most important people to them.
“I love it” she said and turned to kiss him, rubbing her hand over her tummy, excitement surging through her at the thought of their future as a family.
Carrie couldn’t get the memory of how happy her husband had been out of her head as she told her mother everything. A tear ran down Anne’s face as she grieved the loss of her grandchild as well as feeling the pain her daughter must have gone through to keep it all to herself for so long.
“I’m so sorry I didn’t say anything sooner” Carrie said wiping at her face with her hands.
“Carrie baby, please don’t apologise, I feel awful knowing you went through all of that alone. I should have been there to help you, I should have tried harder and not let you run away”
“Please mum, it wasn’t your fault, don’t ever think that. I ran because I was hiding, I needed to forget everything it was too painful and being around you and Jason…Well it reminded me of everything that happened, and everything I had lost. The looks on everyone’s faces, full of pity and everyone wanted me to talk and I wasn’t ready, I couldn’t, and now I see it was the wrong thing to do, I should have faced it and not ran and hid from it”
Facing up to her past was painful and hard for Carrie, but at the same tim
e she felt relief at telling her mum her secret.
Later in the day, Jason swapped places with Carrie at their mother’s bedside, giving the pair an odd look after seeing how close they suddenly appeared compared with previous visits. Carrie bent down and kissed her mum on the forehead before leaving the hospital and making her way back to the barn.
Once back at the barn Carrie had a quick shower and changed into her pyjamas before making herself comfortable on the sofa. It felt strange being there alone, especially after the noise of little Mia, when Lacey and Mia had visited. Lacey had wanted to come back and see Anne, but they had all agreed it wouldn’t have been fair on Mia to see her grandmother in such a poorly state, and that it would be better for her to have happy memories of her instead of one’s tainted by the thoughts of the hospital.
Carrie jumped as there was a knock on the door and she stood up to answer it. Knowing who it would be, she opened the door throwing her arms around Daniel. She still wasn’t sure on what had happened in London but at that moment she didn’t care. All she wanted was Daniels support and after telling her mother everything she needed him more than ever.
“Carrie what’s wrong?” Daniel asked worried by Carries actions. Carrie gulped back her tears and pulled Daniel into the barn.
“Carrie please, what’s going on? Is Anne ok?” he asked wondering if she may have taken a bad turn or even worse.
“No, no mums the same, please sit I need to talk to you”
The pair spent the evening sitting and talking and Carrie told Daniel everything she had told her mother. Daniel was shocked at Carrie’s confession and yet everything now seemed to make perfect sense to why Carrie acted the way she had. Pulling Carrie close Daniel kissed her head and wrapped his arms around her.
“Carrie, I know you probably don’t want to talk about this now but since we are laying everything on the table, I want to talk to you about what happened with Ella”
Carrie tensed and wasn’t sure if she wanted to continue the conversation. She needed Daniel now and if what he said was going to change that she wasn’t sure she wanted to listen.
“Daniel, I know we need to talk but you are such strength to me at the moment and I don’t want that to change”
“I know Carrie, but please just hear me out, I feel I need to be honest with you so we can move past this”
Carrie pulled away from Daniel and braced herself for what he was going to say. The absence of his arms around her made her feel cold and she shivered.
“What happened with Ella, well let’s just say I regret every second of it.” Daniel took a deep breath before continuing “I know her from when I lived in London, and back then I’m ashamed to say I had an eye for the ladies; I was young and wanted to have fun. One night I was introduced to Ella by a work colleague. She was very touchy feely and overly friendly and after a few drinks, well yeah things happened, but I didn’t want anything else. I didn’t want a relationship with her and I made that clear”
“I used to bump into her out and about and she was familiar and we used to do things, but again I always made it very clear I wasn’t interested in a relationship with her, it was sex and that was it” Daniel stood up and began to pace the room hoping he was saying the right thing and not pushing Carrie away.
“The night I came to see you, I don’t know what I expected, but when I left I questioned why I had come after you, I felt you didn’t want me there and that I had read the situation wrong. I left and went to the nearest bar to drown my sorrows, and Ella was there. I was drinking and she laid it on a plate for me, so I decided to take it”
Carrie jumped up from the sofa and covered her ears
“Daniel please stop, I can’t deal with this right now please” Daniel grabbed Carrie by the arms and turned her towards him
“Please let me finish Carrie, I need to be honest with you, I never slept with her” he shouted despair in his voice.
“I kissed her and took her back to my room but I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t have sex with her. All I could think of was you and how I wanted no one else. I slept on the floor and let her have the bed. In the morning I left before she woke up hoping she would be gone when I returned. I stayed out all day but when I returned she was still there sitting watching TV on the bed. She was waiting for a showdown but I had nothing to say to her so I threw her out”
“I saw her” Carrie whispered “On the way to your room I saw her leaving”
“Please Carrie, you have to know I made a terrible error of judgement and yes I kissed her but that was as far as it went, I promise you”
Carrie closed her eyes and focussed on her breathing, she wanted nothing more than to believe Daniel but the thought of him with that dreadful woman was eating away at her.
“Please Carrie, you have to believe me, I can’t lose you over her I just can’t. Carrie look at me” Daniel touched Carrie’s chin with his fingers and moved her to look at him. Carrie swallowed as her eyes connected with his and felt her heart swell.
“Carrie this is going to sound crazy but, err I need to tell you something, Carrie I…Carrie I love you” he stammered his nerves eating away at him, and he couldn’t remember any other point in his life when he had felt this nervous.
Carrie stared back at Daniel, her breathing heavy, trying to process the words that had just left his mouth.
“Please say something Carrie” he said looking away to the floor, suddenly feeling like he was going to get his heart ripped out of his chest.
“I need time to think Daniel, please leave me alone tonight” Carrie sank back into the sofa and put her hands over her face, not knowing whether she wanted to scream or cry. Daniel took a step back from her and then left without saying another word.
The emptiness hit Carrie and she pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her forehead on them. Despite everything Daniel had become such an important part of her life over the past few weeks and he had been her rock, but could she move on and trust him? And did he really love her?
Chapter 17
Carrie rushed into the hospital and ran to her mother room. Jason had called to say Anne’s condition had deteriorated and Carrie knew she wanted to be with her mum whatever happened.
Entering the room, Jason was sat next to the bed, he looked a lot older than he was, the stress taking its toll on his features, and he hadn’t shaved in days. A nurse was taking readings from the surrounding machines and gave Carrie a gentle smile as she entered the room. Anne was lying on the bed sleeping but Carrie could see her mum wasn’t good. She was even paler than before and her breathing wasn’t steady.
Walking across the room she grabbed a chair and sat next to Jason, leaning her head on his shoulder. She had missed out on two years with her mum and brother and even though she knew she was going to lose her mum, she made a promise to herself never to lose contact with her brother ever again.
“The doctor said it could be anytime now” Jason said breathing deeply, having trouble speaking.
“At least she won’t be in anymore pain” Carrie whispered trying to look at the positive side.
“I’m so glad you’re here Carrie, please don’t disappear again. You’re my twin sister I can’t be without you. It killed me last time, I felt like I had lost part of me”
“Carrie is back now Jason” Anne whispered her breathing heavy as if it was a lot of effort to get the words out
“Mum” Carrie said standing and taking the old lady’s hand “Mum I’m so sorry how things were, I want to make it up to you both, I just wish I had more time”
“Carrie, you have nothing to make up, seeing you happy and back with your brother is more than enough. You were both so close growing up and it was horrid seeing you apart. I am so proud of both of you, I couldn’t have wished for better children” Anne began to cough and Jason quickly grabbed a glass of water off the bedside table with a straw in it and put the straw to Anne’s lips.
Jason and Carrie spent the afternoon not moving from Anne’s bedsi
de, both of them scared to leave just in case anything happened. Carrie checked her phone and sent a text to Daniel to let him know what was happening and that she would let him know if anything else happened.
Staring around the room, Carrie felt the familiar feeling of dread in her stomach that she felt being in a hospital. She had spent too much time in them and seen more than she ever wanted to inside medical walls. Being in the hospital brought back all the memories of the terrible days after the crash; finding out about Ian and the baby and then the days she spent recovering before being discharged.
Having time alone with her brother in her mother’s room, Carrie opened up to Jason about what she had told her mother and Daniel. She felt bad that she was telling him last after Daniel and she didn’t mean to it was just the way it had happened.
Jason stared at Carrie taking in what she was telling him. He was an uncle…he had a niece. The fact that she hadn’t survived and had never been born didn’t change the fact that she had existed. He immediately thought of Mia, his beautiful daughter who he loved unconditionally from the moment he found out she existed when Lacey announced she was pregnant. If anything had happened to her he didn’t know how he would have coped and even though he missed her terribly every day he didn’t see her, she was still there. How would he have coped if he had gone through what Carrie went through he would never know and the feeling of guilt at how he had treated his sister in the time since the accident made him feel sick.
“I should have been there for you Caz” he whispered, sniffing back the tears which threatened to fall
“Please Jay, don’t say that. I was in a bad place, I still am to some degree and I wouldn’t have accepted your support, you know that. All I wanted to do then is shut everything out. It was so painful that the only way I could cope was to try and forget” Carrie found herself slowly accepting the situation and even though the pain was still raw she knew she had to move on and live her life. She didn’t die in that accident yet for the past two years she might have well had as she had been living like a robot.