Because of You

by Julie Cannon

  “No, where they are is fine,” she said. The last thing she needed was their judgment seeping through the crack under the door. She walked to the large window overlooking the canal. The view was breathtaking and made her a little dizzy. She grabbed the back of one of the patio chairs to steady herself.

  Barrett came and stood beside her, and she immediately felt calm. “Thank you.”

  “You don’t have to thank me, Kelly.”

  “Yes, I do. You rescue me, send a plane for my parents, then Dr. Hinton, and now this.” She indicated the hotel room. “I don’t know how I can thank you, or repay you.” She’d already approached the topic of paying Barrett for everything she’d done, and Barrett had immediately shut her down. Out of the corner of her eye Kelly saw Barrett turn toward her.

  “Please look at me, Kelly.”

  Slowly she turned too and met Barrett’s concerned expression.

  “You don’t owe me anything.”

  “I owe you everything,” she said, and that was the crux of it. Without Barrett she’d still be in the jungle and would deliver her baby in that hellhole. She owed Barrett more than money. She owed her her life, that of her unborn child, and her sanity. She owed her the chance to breathe fresh air, control her own life, and not be chained to a tree like an animal. She owed Barrett in ways she would never be able to begin to count.

  “If not me, someone else would have rescued you.”

  “No, Barrett. You were my only chance, and I’ll never forget that fact. Because of you my baby will be born in a hospital and surrounded by people who love her.”

  Kelly sensed Barrett’s unease when she mentioned the baby. “It’s okay to talk about it. It is the elephant in the room, so to speak.”

  “It’s a girl?” Kelly saw a spark flash through Barrett’s eyes.

  “Yes. Dr. Foster confirmed it this morning before I checked out.” The feeling that had rushed through Kelly at the news she was carrying a girl was indescribable. Every maternal instinct had kicked in, and she was more certain than ever that she’d keep this baby and raise her in a house filled with love. Someday, somehow, she’d explain to her daughter how she came to be. But until then she had more important things to deal with.

  “You’ve definitely decided to keep her?” Barrett asked expectantly.

  “Yes, I have.” She moved her hands from the chair to instinctively cover her growing belly. “I love my parents and will always want their approval, but I’m a grown woman, and I make my own decisions, whether they like them or not. And they obviously don’t like this one.” Her heart broke a little at the thought that her daughter might not have a relationship with her grandparents, but she’d rather have that than expose her to their misguided beliefs. A knock on the door interrupted her train of thought.

  “I’ll get it,” Barrett said, leaving her alone on the patio. Kelly immediately felt the void her absence created. She’d come to depend on Barrett to help her through the confusing, often frightening maze of her return. Barrett had guided her through some very difficult times, and at times Kelly was almost overwhelmed by her generosity. But it was the least Kelly could do.

  “Kelly, honey, Barrett told us you’d be here today,” her mother said from behind her. “How are you feeling?” she asked stiffly.

  “A little tired. I’ll do better now that I’m out of the hospital. I don’t know how they expect you to get any rest with everyone coming in and checking on you all the time.” It was small talk, of no consequence whatsoever, but better to talk about nothing than not talk at all.

  “I know. Aren’t these rooms wonderful? Ours is a suite. I’ve never been in such a nice hotel, let alone one this nice.” Her mother was practically gushing. Her father, on the other hand, hadn’t said anything and had barely stepped into the room. It was as if he might catch something if he did.

  “And Barrett is paying for everything,” she added in a hushed tone.

  “Yes, Mom, I know. It’s very generous of her.”

  Now her father stepped forward. “It’s the least she could do after leaving you behind with those men—”

  “Dad, that’s not fair. She didn’t leave me. She had no choice.” Why couldn’t they see that? She looked for Barrett to see if she’d heard her father’s cruel words. She wasn’t in the room, but the door to the adjoining room was open. She must have gone to her own room when her parents arrived. At least she hoped that’s how it’d happened.

  “Dad, I love you very much, but I will not let you talk about Barrett like that. You seem to forget she was held by the same people I was and endured the same sadistic conditions all of us did. Eight of us were there and only five came out. I don’t hear any of the other families blaming her for not coming sooner. They’re grateful their loved one is alive. She did what she could, when she could. And I’m damn happy she did. If you don’t have anything good to say about her, then you don’t need to say anything at all. Because if you do, I’ll never speak to you again.”

  *

  Barrett closed the connecting door. She didn’t need to hear anything else after what Kelly’s father said about leaving her behind. There it was again, hitting her right between the eyes. Would it ever stop ripping her guts out? Would she ever stop thinking about it every minute? Would her life ever return to normal? What in the hell was normal anymore? She had no fucking idea.

  Barrett declined Kelly’s invitation to join her and her parents for dinner and spent the remainder of the evening pacing her room. She wanted to be with Kelly but knew she needed time alone with her parents. After flipping through the channels for the umpteenth time, she went to bed, turned off the light, and hoped she’d get some sleep.

  The scream woke Barrett. She shot out of bed and ran across the room and through the adjoining door before she remembered she was wearing only a pair of boxer shorts. With the exception of a small shaft of light coming from the bathroom, all the lights were off in Kelly’s room. Barrett blinked a few times to let her eyes adjust. Kelly was thrashing around in her bed, and Barrett hurried to her.

  “Kelly, it’s Barrett. Wake up. You’re safe.” The bed dipped under her weight when she sat down and reached for Kelly, pulling her into a sitting position. Her eyes were tightly closed and Barrett grasped her hands. They were cold and shaking. “Kelly, wake up. It’s just a dream. You’re safe. You’re in the hotel here in Panama. I’m here, wake up. You’re okay.” After Barrett repeated the reassuring words several times, Kelly finally stopped shaking and blinked rapidly as she opened her eyes. Even though they were open, they were glassy. Kelly’s whole body started to shake again, and Barrett gathered her into her arms.

  “Shh.” Barrett scooted back and leaned against the headboard, pulling Kelly with her. She wrapped her arms around Kelly’s shoulders and held her close. “Shh, shh, it’s okay. I’ve got you. Nothing’s going to happen to you. You’re safe, and nothing will ever happen to you again.” Kelly shifted and laid her head on Barrett’s shoulder. Her arm draped across Barrett’s stomach, and she snuggled close.

  Barrett talked about nothing and everything, and the more she talked the calmer Kelly became. Barrett was aware of her nakedness but Kelly was oblivious, lost in a deep sleep. Barrett lightly stroked up and down Kelly’s warm, too-thin arms and let her thoughts drift.

  It had been a long time since she’d held a woman like this. She frowned when she realized she’d never actually held a woman like this. She held women as a prelude to sex, and as a post-coital requirement, but never just to comfort or chase away a bad dream. It was a new and pleasant experience. Instead of making her antsy to escape, it was oddly fulfilling.

  Kelly shifted and snuggled closer, her hand brushing a bare nipple. A jolt of desire shot through Barrett’s body down to her toes, and she was suddenly very warm. What the fuck? This was not a sexual situation by any stretch of the imagination, so why was she reacting like it was? It wasn’t as if she hadn’t had sex in a while.

  The night before she got the call that Kelly and
the others had been rescued she’d spent many hours in the arms of a beautiful blonde trying to forget. The orgasms had been perfunctory but the feeling was nothing compared to this. Words like contentment and peace came to mind. Words like desire and passion also came to mind, and Barrett pushed them away. They were completely inappropriate, and Barrett wouldn’t do anything to risk what she had with Kelly, what she owed to Kelly.

  She closed her eyes, suddenly very tired.

  *

  Kelly was finally warm. She wanted to drift back into the cocoon surrounding her. She felt safe and secure. Her mind was calm, her head clear. She felt refreshed and relaxed. She didn’t want to open her eyes and end the moment. She could stay in this place forever. But her bladder overruled her brain, and she had to move. She opened her eyes, blinking a few times, and came instantly awake.

  Her head was resting on something soft, moving up and down in rhythmic motion. Soft air lightly caressed her face. The skin in front of her was bare, tan, and feminine. The curve of a breast started where her fingertips ended.

  A vague recollection of the night before tickled the edges of her mind, then became clear. She was in the hotel room next to Barrett’s and she’d had a nightmare. She remembered Barrett’s voice soothing her. These must be Barrett’s arms around her, comforting her. Barrett’s presence calming her, saving her from herself.

  “Sorry about this,” Barrett said, surprising her.

  Kelly didn’t know she was awake. “About what?” Her voice was husky with sleep.

  Barrett’s breathing quickened. “I woke up and heard you and didn’t stop to get dressed. I meant to go back to my room, but I must have fallen asleep instead.”

  “I’m the one that should be sorry—for waking you up.”

  “Tell you what,” Barrett said, her voice rumbling under her ear. “Let’s both just agree to not feel guilty about any of this.”

  “Deal,” Kelly said, wishing Mother Nature wasn’t knocking on her bladder so she and Barrett could stay in this position forever. Unfortunately she didn’t have a choice and started to untangle herself from Barrett’s arms. She tried not to look but couldn’t help herself as her gaze drifted to Barrett’s bare chest. Without thinking, she touched the scar on her shoulder. Barrett drew in a sharp breath.

  “I was so afraid this had killed you.” This time Kelly’s voice reflected the fear she’d just mentioned.

  “It almost did.” Barrett’s voice was thick.

  “I…”

  Barrett covered her hand with hers. “It didn’t, and that’s all that matters.”

  Barrett’s eyes were dark and serious, and Kelly couldn’t quite read what was behind them. She studied Barrett’s hand covering hers. The sores from her wrists being bound were gone, replaced by smooth skin. Hers, however, were raw and callused and would probably be scarred forever. She felt self-conscious and pulled her hand out from under Barrett’s, and when she did, it inadvertently slid over her breast. Barrett’s nipple instantly grew hard and Kelly jerked away. “Sorry” she mumbled, as she practically ran into the bathroom but, before closing the door behind her, saw Barrett’s nudity reflected in the mirror above the sink.

  Kelly leaned over the sink, head dizzy from the exertion. Her heart was beating like she’d just run a mile at a full-out sprint. God, she was so tired and weak. Her hands were shaking as she stripped out of the pajamas her mother had bought for her. She stood naked in front of the mirror. If she thought seeing herself in the elevator mirror yesterday was shocking, this was much, much worse.

  She was no more than skin and bones, as her grandmother would say. She’d lost all muscle tone, which was surprising since she and her fellow hostages had been little more than a manual-labor force. On her previous medical missions she’d seen the effects of starvation, and she was now one of the statistics. Turning sideways she slid her hands over the rounding of her belly. A life was growing inside her, one completely unexpected but hers nonetheless.

  What would her daughter be like? Would she have soft, straight hair or dark, angry eyes? Would she be kind and gentle or cruel and heartless? Would she use her knowledge for good or evil? Would she be born healthy? Looking at her reflection in the mirror Kelly couldn’t help but ask if she would be born at all. Completely overwhelmed by what she saw in front of her, she sank to the floor and cried.

  Barrett quickly got off the bed, dashed into her own room, and pulled on a T-shirt. After brushing her teeth she wasn’t sure if she should return to Kelly’s room. If she did, was she overstepping her boundaries, butting into Kelly’s life, taking advantage of the situation? Or did Kelly need her? Not sure what to do, she decided to play it in the middle and just hovered near the door separating their rooms. If Kelly needed her she’d be there, and if she didn’t, it wouldn’t be awkward.

  After several minutes Barrett grew worried. She didn’t hear either the shower or any noise coming from Kelly’s room.

  “Kelly?” Barrett called out as she walked farther into her room. Barrett called for her again. Standing in the middle of the room, she cocked her head and heard soft crying coming from behind the bathroom door. Barrett knocked. “Kelly, are you okay?” When she still didn’t answer, Barrett tried the knob. It wasn’t locked and turned easily in her hand. Kelly was slumped against the wall, arms wrapped around her legs. Her face was buried in her knees, and her shoulders moved as she sobbed. Barrett knelt down beside her.

  “Kelly. What is it?” she asked quietly, wanting to reach out to her but afraid to. It was several moments before she answered.

  “Nothing. I’m fine.” She didn’t sound very convincing.

  “That’s why you’re sitting on the bathroom floor, buck naked and crying?” Barrett cringed. Why had she said that? This was definitely not funny. But for some reason her question made Kelly smile, and a sliver of relief trickled around her.

  “No, normally I’m on the patio. But I made an exception this time.”

  “Isn’t your butt cold?”

  This time Kelly laughed. It was small and quiet, but it was a laugh. “Now that you mention it.”

  “Then let’s get you up. Were you trying to take a shower?” Kelly nodded, and Barrett helped her stand. “Okay. I can help with that.” Making sure Kelly was okay, Barrett opened the shower door and turned on the water. She adjusted the temperature and extended her hand to help Kelly inside.

  “You okay?” she asked before stepping away.

  “Yes, thank you.”

  Barrett closed the door. She wanted to give Kelly her privacy but also didn’t want to leave her alone. She needed to make sure she was okay and stayed that way. Kelly’s back was to her, the water sliding over her scar-laden skin. A shaft of pain sliced through Barrett when she saw how many of the scars were fresh. She could easily count her ribs.

  Barrett laid the plush blue towel next to the shower door and reluctantly left the room.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Six days later Kelly buckled her seat belt in the plane Barrett had chartered to fly them home. She tried to convince Barrett she was capable of flying commercial, but Barrett had insisted and she finally acquiesced. The takeoff was smooth and almost silent as the plane lifted off the ground, bound for Denver.

  The entire week in the hospital and the four days in the hotel had been a blur, punctuated by more nightmares and tense visits from her parents. They didn’t mention the baby or her plans when she returned home, all three of them preferring to have meaningless conversation. She confirmed her decision not to terminate her pregnancy with Dr. Foster and had several sessions with Dr. Hinton. She wasn’t anywhere near where she needed to be mentally or physically, but she needed familiar surroundings to ground her. She was adamant about going home.

  Barrett sat in the seat across from her, her gaze focused out the small window. She had been beside her almost every minute. Kelly had insisted on letting her buy only a few sets of clothes to get her through until she was able to go shopping on her own, with her own money. An
d that was another thing she had to figure out.

  Did she even have a job? Would she be able to go back to work? She was too weak to do more than walk up and down the hall of her hotel. Gradually she’d progressed to eight laps, but that certainly wasn’t enough for the strenuous job of nursing. Oh, and she couldn’t forget about the baby that would consume her time and energy in a few short months.

  Kelly recalled their conversation two days ago regarding her house. She didn’t quite remember how the conversation started, but it wasn’t long before Barrett confessed she’d paid off her mortgage.

  “You did what?”

  “Kelly, I have plenty of money, and you didn’t need to worry about where you were going to live when you came home,” Barrett said matter-of-factly.

  “But that’s too much.”

  “Don’t worry about it,”

  “It’s not your responsibility,” Kelly said, anger starting to boil. She finally gave up, knowing her arguments wouldn’t change anything.

  Kelly hated owing anyone, especially when it came to money. It was bad enough that she owed the bank, but no one that she knew was in a position to pay cash for a house. Except, of course, Barrett, who explained how she’d found out who held her mortgage and just how easy it was to go into the bank and write a check for the balance. She wasn’t so lucky when it came to her car. The bank had taken the car back after four months, for non-payment. They didn’t care that Kelly couldn’t make the payment—just that she didn’t.

  Barrett’s eyes were closed, and Kelly took the opportunity to study her. She looked a little butch, and with her hair much shorter than it was when she was in camp she pulled it off easily. She was obviously a powerfully successful businesswoman, the way she took control and just expected things to get done as she asked. She filled any room with confidence and charisma that, even in her weakened condition, Kelly found surprisingly sexy.