Falling Into Blue

by Maurer, Donalyn

  I see Linc’s eyes flash to me and back to Rocky as he says, “Are you going to prove her right, Rocky? You going to be like him?” I feel Rocky’s arm tighten on me as he seems to relax the arm with the gun and then he lowers his mouth to my ear. “Baby, I’m sorry. I just can’t live without you. You’re the only good thing that’s ever happened to me. I can’t let you go and if I can’t have you, no one else can,” he whispers, and he raises his gun and shoots Linc. I watch Linc drop the gun and fall to his knees and then over on his side. I can hear him moaning. I pull away from Rocky to try and help but he pulls me back to him. God, please don’t let him be dead. I need him. Rocky starts pulling me to the door. “I guess we’re going to have to save our reunion for later,” he says, and he’s pulling me to his car parked along the side. Abigail isn’t there anymore. Maybe she cut herself loose or the other guy that was in the bushes has her. Rocky doesn’t seem to notice she’s not there and keeps pulling me.

  “Daniel!” someone yells from behind us. Rocky turns us back and I see Linc coming out holding his shoulder, now pointing a pistol at Rocky. “Let her go, Rocky,” Linc says, and he raises the gun at Rocky. Rocky lets go of my arm long enough to reach back for his gun and I don’t hesitate. I turn and run into the trees and I hear another gunshot go off. Oh, shit. Please God, let Linc have stopped Rocky, I silently plead, but then I hear, “Jaycee, baby. Come back!” I keep running. I have no idea where I’m going. I’m trying to run and lean down and get the .38 Special from my boots but I fall and I can hear him calling me and getting closer. I crab-crawl behind a tree stump and start to cry, but I hear my uncle Duke’s voice reminding me that I’m not weak and how I promised to fight and finally I get the gun out and then I get up and start running again. I turn when I hear his voice coming right up on me. I can hear his footsteps. I can feel the thump in the ground from his steps.

  I turn around and run as fast as I can until I come to a clearing and skid to a stop. I walk forward just a few feet and look down. I’m on a cliff, below is the lake. I turn back to the trees, shit, he’s in there. I keep my gun aimed on the trees as I look over the cliff and it’s about a fifteen or twenty foot drop to the water. Suddenly, I hear voices calling my name. It’s my brothers. Do I yell for help? I hear Max yell for me and I can’t help it, I scream his name. Then I hear voices calling out for everyone to head towards the cliffs. I hear a loud fluttering and look up to see a helicopter fly over and when it spots me, it starts circling. Thank you, God. They found me! I drop to my knees. When I hear something I look up in relief but then my heart drops. Rocky.

  “Baby, get up, please,” he begs. Help is all around. I’m safe. Just do what he says. Buy time. I slowly stand up. I can see the helicopter start to hover closer and spin, trying to distract Rocky or give out my exact position. Which, I’m not sure. “Well, your cavalry is here,” he says, and he looks around sadly. “But you know I can’t live without you.” He raises his gun and aims it at me and before I can raise my gun he says, “and you sure as hell aren’t going to live without me. Forgive me.” I see his finger flex on the trigger and I close my eyes. This is it. I hear the sound, like thunder. I feel the fire. I smell it. I taste it. It’s like someone just slammed my body into concrete and it burns. It’s a full body jerk and it knocks me backwards, only I don’t hit the ground. I’m falling and falling and for a moment I think I hear my name and I open my eyes. Everything is happening in slow motion. I see the helicopter spin above me and then I hit black and start sinking. I can’t fight it. Maybe everyone is better off this way, but I think about my grandma and I feel my body jerk at the thought of leaving her behind. I can feel the warmth of my tears, even in the cold black. I think of my baby sister’s graduation from college I’ll never see, all the children my brothers are sure to have that I’ll never meet or play with. My dad and uncles, they’ll be so sad. My aunts and Violet and all the things we’ll never get to do. I won’t see Bradley and Connor get married.

  But my Max. He’s consuming my thoughts right now, and I feel the wet from my tears still falling for the loss of what we’ll never be. The life we’ll never build, the children we’ll never create and raise, the home we’ll never build in the hills with a beautiful field of blue bonnets beside it and the songs I’ll never get to hear him sing and play on the guitar. My mind flashes to him singing to me in the den and his smile with dimples so deep and laughing together and then falling asleep holding each other. That’s all I’ll ever have. And it will be enough as long as he’s safe. I smile and keep dropping into black, and my final thought is of Max. I hope he’ll forgive me, I think, as I feel arms grab me and pull me even deeper.

  Chapter 30

  When I was a little girl I somehow started the habit of envisioning God looking a certain way when I would kneel and bow my head to pray at bedtime.

  Depending on my mood and the day I had, God’s outside appearance changed between three visions.

  If I was having a really good day, I saw John Wayne; Thankful. This vision reminded me to always give all glory to Him. Maybe that was the pilgrim thing, thanksgiving, giving thanks. I’m not sure, so I just went with it.

  If I was sad and needed a cry, Morgan Freeman appeared. I would lay at his feet with my head on his lap while he wordlessly soothed my pain away with his mere presence; Faith. This reminded me that no matter how bad today was, tomorrow would be better. I just needed to believe He was with me at all times and I would feel Him if I were to be still.

  But if I were angry and mad because I felt hurt, Clint Eastwood would show up. Not Dirty Harry Clint Eastwood, but Unforgiven Clint Eastwood; Vengeance. That vision reminded me to give it to Him. Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord.

  Right now, I’m seeing all three of them and I’m not sure what that means.

  I also hear an angel singing a country song. I knew it! I knew there’d be country music in Heaven. But the more I listen to this angel sing, the more I hear it’s a sad song. He’s singing about a burning house. He’s singing about staying with me in this burning house. So, this is my angel? But, I know this angel and I don’t want to hear him sad. My singing angel is Max. I listen closely and my heart is breaking.

  “Please?” Without words I look to God and plead, and tears start falling from my eyes. I see them smile and turn from me. “Wait!! I’m scared. Please, God? Don’t leave me!” Morgan Freeman just smiles and Clint Eastwood grins and John Wayne speaks, saying, “Courage is being scared to death, but saddling up anyway,” and he walks back to me. “You saddled up and showed great courage and now it’s time for you to do it again. Time for you to go back and go on. We’ll take care of the rest,” he says, and he turns and walks back to the others and I see them engulfed in white light and it feels so warm. I want to go with them into the warmth, and I start to struggle to follow. Then a different light comes and it’s too bright and it hurts my eyes.

  But then I hear my angel calling me and then the lights go out and a softer light comes on. “Jaycee? Jayc,” the voice says. Max. He’s here. My Max. I smile but I don’t know if it’s just on the inside or if he can see it, but I try moving and I’m able to turn my head towards his voice and my eyes start struggling to open. And I finally see him and tears flood my eyes. Shit, shit, shit! My Max and I break into sobs. He lowers the bed railing and climbs next to me and holds me. “Shh, Jayc. You’re okay. I’m here. Shh. Thank you, God. You’ve been out for hours. Doctors said you were hiding inside yourself, scared. And I couldn’t get you out, Jayc!” I’m not sure how long we stay like that, seconds, minutes, hours, days, or weeks, but it’s not enough. It will never be enough but then he moves when nurses come in and start asking me a ton of questions and probing and poking. I keep my eyes on Max and his are on mine as he stands back by the window and lets them check me. Finally they leave us alone for a few minutes before the doctor comes in.

  “What happened?” I ask. I can tell he’s thinking back and trying to hold back his emot
ions. He takes a deep breath and finally tells me, “You were shot, Jayc. In your shoulder. He was aiming for your heart and missed. The impact sent you over the edge of the cliff into the water.” He turns and looks out the window. “I thought you were dead.” He’s still looking out the window but he brings his hand up and wipes his face. He’s crying. “I thought he killed you,” he says, and he breaks for a minute but then pulls it together. “We saw you go over, and Chase, Nash, and I, we jumped in after you,” he says, and he walks back over to the bed and sits down and turns to me with red-rimmed eyes. “I couldn’t find you, Jayc,” he says in an anguished whisper. “I kept going back down and I couldn’t find you.”

  Listening to Max makes me cry for him as he continues, “I came back up for air and I heard yelling and looked over to see Chace pulling you up on some rocks with Nash following him up.” He wipes my tears and says, “When I got to you, you weren’t breathing, so Nash and I gave you CPR and got you back.” He looks so sad as he continues. “The helicopter dropped a gurney and pulled you out and to a nearby landing where they got you stabilized and in the ambulance. I rode with you all the way here.”

  Suddenly, it hits me. “Abigail??? Max?” I exclaim, and I start to cry. “Where is she? Is she okay? There was so much blood and…” He stops me and takes my hand. “She’s okay. There was a lot of blood, yes, it’s a deep wound but no major vessels were hit. When the EMTs got to her, Lincoln Jennings and his friend were putting pressure on her wound. They were brought in together on AirLife.” He looks away, disbelieving. “She had surgery and most of the damage was repaired. She has a lot of stitches and she’ll have to keep off of it for a few weeks. She’s been admitted too and is one floor down.” I sigh in relief. “And Rocky’s brother, Linc? He tried to save me, Max, but Rocky shot him. His own brother, Max!” I exclaim, and I look away. “We know. Jake, Jesse, Connor, and Bradley found them. He’s in ICU in serious but stable condition. His mom is there with him now. Apparently, she called Linc for help and he and another guy, a friend and ranch hand of his, Nick, made the trip up here with him to help find Rocky. We found him with Abigail, helping her and ignoring his own wounds. I don’t know…how can one brother be so bad and another so good?” he muses. I look down, dreading the next question: “And Rocky?”

  “Sergeant Taylor was the very first one to hit the clearing and he already had his gun drawn. After Rocky fired on you, he fired on Rocky. He hit him three times before he went over the cliff too.” He looks at me. “No one could find him and he never surfaced, Jayc.” He gives me a sad smile. “You’re free now. He’s gone,” Max says, and I let out a breath I didn’t know I had been holding. “The police have divers searching and dragging that area of the lake and when they retrieve his body, his mom is asking that he be allowed to be transferred to Lubbock and buried on Linc’s ranch, privately.”

  I think about how sad his mom must be and at least that will give her some closure. “His mom has been down a couple of times to check on how you and Abigail are. She went to your family and told them how sorry she was for the pain her family caused yours. She’s having a really hard time from what your dad and Violet told me, even though they’ve tried reassuring her that they don’t blame her. His dad, Dr. Jennings, he’s gone. Didn’t say a word to anyone. Your dad said he got a really bad feeling about him and the way he’s acted. He left the hospital after checking on Linc and hasn’t been back since.

  “Your brothers and cousin and Connor are all okay. Worried sick about you and Abigail, but okay.” He takes a deep breath and looks down and back to me. “I was so angry with you. I’m still angry. You didn’t trust me again,” he says, and he looks away again and I know it, I’ve lost him. “I don’t know how to deal with that. If you can’t trust me to protect you, if you don’t feel safe with me…” I try to sit up to stop him and beg for forgiveness, but my shoulder stops me and I lay back down. “Max, please listen and let me explain.” He looks away but I reach up and pull his face back to me. “I did trust you, and I do trust you.” I lick my lips as my eyes begin to water. “When I wrote the coordinates for the GPS on the mirror, I knew you’d be right behind me. I knew you’d have my back. I knew whatever happened, you’d come in and save Abigail and me. You and all those crazy men in my family, I knew, Max. Before Rocky shot me, he called y’all my cavalry. That’s exactly what you were and are. I knew. I’m strong too and I have fight. I had to distract him. I had to get Abigail safe. Please, Max, if I wouldn’t have gone in first, she wouldn’t be here,” I plead.

  Max sighs and drops his head. “Max, I love you,” I say, and my bottoms lip starts to tremble at a flash of memory of him singing his sad song. “I heard you singing to me,” I say, and he looks up. “Your singing is what I heard and made me find my way back.” He leans down and lays his head on my lap and I stroke his hair. “I love you, Max. Please forgive me,” I plead, and he turns his head and kisses my tummy. “Love you too, Jaycee,” and he lays back down. “Forever and a day. Because forever will never be long enough.”

  The doctor comes in and tells me the bullet went straight through my soft tissue and I’m fortunate it wasn’t worse. It might need physical therapy and the doctor suggests I ask Max for help with that. The main concern was how long I was under water, and if I was going to have any damage from loss of oxygen. I’m told I kept mumbling about Max singing to me, so one of my family members brought in a guitar and Max played off and on for me.

  Finally, my family comes in, and after I get my butt reamed by every single man in my family, they hug me and tell me they love me, even though I was foolish for going it alone. They say they’ll be back up later but they need to get to Grandma’s house and do some work because she’s supposed to be leaving the hospital soon. For now, she’s going to stay with my dad and Violet, but she’s already complaining about wanting her house back in order. My aunts Savannah and Paige and Violet come by and tell me how much they love me and that they think I’m brave. As soon as Abigail and I get the all clear, it’s going to be girl’s day.

  Sergeant Taylor and Captain Walters stop by to give us the latest. I listen to them tell me that the search for the retrieval of Rocky’s body has expanded. Expert divers that know the lake pretty well came in and said there’s a strong undercurrent. They’re going to follow the current and keep looking. I can tell they’re both angry at me, but they tell me they understand why I took off. Sergeant Taylor actually grins when he talks about going into the back room to check on me, and seeing the coordinates on the mirror. He tells me they got those coordinates to the sheriff and that’s how the helicopter was able to find us first. After getting a warm hug from Captain Walters, Sergeant Taylor gives my good arm a squeeze and they shake hands with Max but tell me they’re going to keep in touch.

  After an evening check on me from my doctor and having a light dinner, there’s a soft knock on the door. I already know who it is, Mrs. Jennings. “Come in,” I say, and as the door opens, I see Lucy, the woman who helps her out push open the door and in wheels Rocky’s mom. She looks to Max and then to me before she comes forward a little. I can tell she’s not sure whether she’s welcome or not. She’s in so much pain. Pain for Linc, pain for me, and even though Rocky hurt so many, he was still her son and she’s feeling the loss. I can’t help but cry for her. “Jaycee, can you ever forgive me?” she whispers. “I didn’t know he was…” Her word trails off and she looks down, taking a deep breath. “I mean, I did, but not like this or I would have stopped it, stopped him, somehow. I am so, so sorry for the pain he caused,” and she breaks down.

  I look at Max and he walks over and moves her closer to me and she looks back to me. I sit silently, listening to her. I know even though this is not her fault, she needs to do this. “His dad. He hurt us all and I should have left. I did try to leave several times but he stopped me, one way or the other, he stopped me, us,” she takes in a deep breath and wipes her tears. “I’ve told the police everything now. I should ha
ve stopped the cycle a long time ago but…I was scared. But no more. I left their dad and contacted a lawyer and filed for divorce.” She looks sad as she says, “If I had done this sooner I would have saved everyone a lot of pain, even Rocky. I could have saved him from turning out like that monster and for my choices I’ll have to live with what it did to him. What he did to him and what I let him do.”

  Finally, I speak. “Mrs. Jennings, I need you to know that I don’t blame you, or Dr. Jennings. Rocky, well, he had choices. Like Linc, he had choices. And he made his. I don’t hate him. I saw something in him, his eyes, heard it in his voice—I know he was in pain and he just didn’t know how to fix it and deal with it,” I say. I move and pull my legs off the bed and walk over to her and hug her. “I don’t blame you. Please, it’s your time too, you’re free,” I say, as I pull back and look at her. “You are free.” She reaches up and cups my cheek with her hand. “I knew from the moment I saw you standing in the foyer you were good. Kind. Thank you, Jaycee. Thank you,” she says.

  I go back and sit on the bed but stay facing her as she finishes. “Lincoln, he’s going to be fine. He just needs time to heal too, inside and out. He loved Rocky, his Daniel. We talked and I’m moving to Lubbock with him. There’s nothing here for me anymore. This was their dad’s dream, the big house, fancy cars, rising up in the ranks of high southern society, but not me,” she says, and she finally smiles. “I always wanted to live in the country. Just live quiet and peaceful.” She rolls closer. “I don’t know what you see and feel when you look at me and Linc, but I’d like to be able to be your friend,” she says. I think back to Linc trying to save me, and his mom’s pain, and even though I’m not sure how I feel, I agree. “I’d like that, Mrs. Jennings,” I say, and we both smile as she starts to turn. “Thank you again, Jaycee. Take care,” and Lucy opens the door and she wheels out with Lucy following her.