Primal

by Lora Leigh; Ava Gray; Jory Strong; Michelle Rowen

  “You do?”

  I nodded. “It’s hard to deal with that empty feeling, but sometimes we don’t have any choice.”

  His expression darkened. “Jackson gave you a choice.”

  I couldn’t resist rolling my eyes at that. “Yeah, he did. Since I can’t be with you, he was more than willing to serve as a replacement. Really big of him.”

  His brows drew together. “Is that why you feel empty? Because we can’t be together?”

  We were treading on dangerous territory. I wasn’t really prepared for this conversation about emotions and empty black holes with a man I couldn’t really have. It felt like trouble, and I already had enough of that to begin with. “Look, Declan, let’s just eat. It’s been a long day. Maybe tomorrow Dr. Reynolds will get back to us.”

  “He will. I don’t doubt it. He’s a serious dick, but I really think he can help you. Then you won’t have to deal with all of this, deal with me, with horny assholes like Jackson sniffing around you. You can go back to your regular life and normal men who can be with you when they want to be.”

  I reached across the table and grabbed his hand. It was currently clenched into a fist. “Normal guys are completely overrated, just so you know.”

  His hand relaxed in my grip. “I’m about as abnormal as they get.”

  “Feeling sorry for yourself tonight?”

  He gave me a humorless smile. “That’s just the problem. I’m not feeling anything. And yet …”

  “What?”

  “The thought of you with Jackson … I wouldn’t call it jealousy, exactly. But it bothered me. I didn’t like it.”

  That was interesting. Not jealousy, but something that triggered some sort of reaction in the emotion-free dhampyr.

  I intertwined my fingers with his. “I’m not having a luxurious fast-food dinner like this with him, am I?”

  “No.” He leaned back in his chair, pulling his hand away from mine. I tried not to take it personally. “He was right about one thing.”

  “Which is?”

  “That you’re a woman of passion. You deserve more than this.”

  I glanced around the small room. “More than … burgers and fries at a seedy motel?”

  “For starters.” He wasn’t smiling anymore. His jaw tightened. “You said something earlier. I think I want to take you up on it.”

  “What’s that?”

  “What you said about experimenting.”

  I remembered exactly what I’d been talking about. “Declan—”

  “No. Jill, don’t say anything.”

  This was coming totally out of left field. I was ready to question him, but I couldn’t say anything because he stood up, pulled me against him … and kissed me.

  I’d kissed him a couple of times since he’d been shot full of the permanent serum, searching for a response, and was disappointed when I didn’t get one. This time he’d initiated it; he was kissing me. And I was responding. Earlier I’d decided on a cool shower, but the heat of Declan’s kiss warmed me up immediately.

  “Do you think … you can … ?” I whispered against his lips, not wanting to finish the sentence.

  “This isn’t about me, Jill. This is about you. That is … if you want this to happen.” He held my face between his hands. “Say yes.”

  “Yes,” I said, without thinking twice.

  When he kissed me this time, he picked me up and carried me to the bed.

  I locked my arms around his neck. “My hair’s wet.”

  “Do you care?”

  I grinned. “Not really.”

  He placed me gently down on the bed and began kissing down my throat, filling his hands with my breasts. I could barely believe this was happening. A potential solution to my Nightshade troubles earlier. An experimental Declan now. This could all be a dream.

  It didn’t feel like a dream. It felt real. And I didn’t want to question it a second longer.

  Grasping the edge of my tank top, he pulled it up, skimming it over my skin. I wasn’t wearing a bra underneath, which saved some time. I gasped out loud as his mouth closed over my right nipple and he slid his tongue around it in a hot, wet circle.

  He looked up at me. “Let me know if I’m doing this right.”

  I struggled to breathe normally, but it came out like a needy moan. “So far, so good.”

  He moved to the other side, making me shiver, goose bumps breaking out along my skin. I helped him to peel my top off over my head, then squeezed my eyes shut.

  Experimenting with Declan was a very good idea. I was so very glad I’d thought of it.

  When he kissed me again, sweeping his tongue against mine, I pulled at his black T-shirt, sliding my hands under to feel his skin beneath, down over his hard, rippled abdomen. I started to unbutton his jeans and slide the zipper down, but he grasped my wrist to stop me.

  “No, Jill.”

  I looked up at him with surprise. “Why not?”

  “I already told you, this isn’t about me.”

  “I want to touch you.”

  He pulled my hands away from him and raised them up above my head. “If you can’t play by the rules, then this game will have to end.”

  He was easily strong enough to keep me pinned, but his grip on me was loose enough that I could have broken it if I wanted to. “I’m not sure I like those rules.”

  He moved his mouth to my ear, and my bare breasts flattened against his T-shirt-covered chest. “I want to make you happy, Jill.”

  I believed him. His expression held no fire to match what I was feeling, but rather, endless sincerity. He couldn’t make love to me, not completely—not the way I wanted—but he still wanted me to be happy after what he’d overheard Jackson say to me.

  Jackson had offered me nostrings-attached sex.

  I’d said no because I wasn’t attracted to him. I didn’t want a quick lay, and I didn’t want Jackson. I wanted more than that, even though I knew that wanting more would only leave me frustrated.

  Declan wanted to take away some of that frustration. Here. Now.

  Which meant my clothes came off. But his stayed on.

  “I can stop.” His deep voice got raspy when he spoke quietly. “Or I can keep going. Your call.”

  My throat felt thick. It was a mix of cool disappointment and hot desire. I could have Declan, but not all of him.

  “Do you want me?” he asked when I didn’t answer right away.

  I nodded wordlessly.

  “Do you need me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Then keep your hands like this.” He pressed them up against the headboard, curling my fingers around the cool metal rails.

  I drew in a breath. “So I can’t touch you at all?”

  “Those are the rules.”

  I gripped the headboard tighter. “Fine. Your move, dhampyr.”

  A shadow of a smile played at his lips, and he sat back on his heels, his feet still clad in his heavy-laced boots, and slid the palms of his hands down the front of me between my breasts. His hands were calloused and rough against my skin—it made my nipples tighten and I shivered. I arched my back off the bed unconsciously to meet his touch.

  “You’re beautiful,” he said.

  “So are you.”

  He chuckled deep in his throat. “You’re lying. My scars—”

  “Are part of you. And that makes them beautiful. I think we’ve had this conversation before.”

  “Jill—”

  “I wouldn’t be in a situation like this with somebody I found unappealing, Declan. Trust me on that. You make me so hot I can barely sit still.”

  He leaned over, his mouth only an inch from mine. “How hot?”

  I inhaled sharply as I felt his hand slide under the waistband of my leggings and down between my legs where he’d easily feel the proof of just how much I wanted him. My grip on the headboard tightened.

  “You’re right,” he whispered. “Very hot.”

  I gasped. “You’re teasing me now.”
/>
  “Maybe a little.” He hooked a finger in either side of the elastic waistband of the leggings and slid them down my legs until they were off. I lay naked on the bed, my arms still above my head, while Declan, fully dressed, swept his gaze over me.

  I had to admit, me being naked and vulnerable at the moment and him being fully dressed and totally in control was hotter than I thought it would be.

  “How’s the experiment going so far?” I asked, my voice breathy.

  He raised an eyebrow. “Good, I think. You?”

  “Excellent. A-plus.”

  He kissed me. My lips parted and he slid his tongue against mine, which made me groan low in my throat at the chance to taste him deeper. My breath caught as his hand returned between my legs and he stroked me there until I felt boneless with need.

  He didn’t say anything as he kissed his way down my body. I watched him, my hand now held against my mouth as he parted my legs and pressed his mouth against me there. I cried out and let go of the headboard completely so I could grip the back of his head when I felt his tongue slide over me.

  “Declan—” But I couldn’t form actual words anymore. His name was barely understandable.

  Pleasure crashed over me, so intense it was close to pain. My body quaked against his mouth and hands, raising off the bed, but he held me in place until I came again. A scream escaped my lips then, despite my attempt to muffle it with the back of my hand.

  He brought his face back to mine and kissed me hard and openmouthed so I could taste myself on his tongue. By this time I was utterly ravenous for him.

  “Please, Declan,” I begged. “I need you inside of me. I want you so much.”

  I wrapped my legs around his fully clothed body and ground myself against him as if he were naked. I desperately needed him thrusting deep inside of me. I wanted him even more now than I had before. He’d given me two incredible orgasms, but I wasn’t satisfied. A small taste had only intensified my hunger.

  Slowly, very slowly, I regained control of myself until I found I was kissing him more than he was kissing me. I held his face between my hands and stared up at him, dismayed to see his expression held some regret.

  Tears stung my eyes. “Please don’t look at me like that.”

  He looked pained. “I’m sorry, Jill. I want to be more for you, but—but I can’t be.”

  Every bit of hot, aching desire I’d just felt for him hadn’t been matched. He felt nothing. The mind was willing, but the body couldn’t comply. My skin felt electric, sensitive, as though if he touched me again, he might send me right back over the edge.

  I sat up so we were face-to-face and hugged him against me. “It’s okay.”

  “It’s not.”

  “For now it is.”

  “The experiment …”

  I pulled back so I could see his face. “Speaking for myself, the experiment was a complete success.”

  A smile touched his lips. “I’m glad to hear it.”

  “I am a fan of science.”

  I kissed him, sad that this time he only briefly returned it.

  It had been a short detour, but we’d returned right back to square one.

  At least there were some French fries waiting as my consolation prize.

  FOUR

  I’d had bad dreams every night since I was injected with Nightshade. This was the first time I had one about Declan.

  It started off well enough.

  We were having dinner, and it wasn’t salty, greasy fast food scarfed down in a cheap motel room. We were at a restaurant—one of my favorites, a little Italian place that was just around the corner from my apartment in San Diego.

  He placed his hand on top of mine, and I looked up at his face.

  It was Declan, but it wasn’t the Declan I’d come to know. The black eye patch was gone, and he had two beautiful green eyes instead of one gray one, which was a trait of a dhampyr or vampire. He didn’t have any scars marring his handsome features. His hair was a bit longer than the short-cropped cut I was used to. And he had an easy grin on his face that was as unfamiliar as the dark blue suit he wore.

  “You look like you’ve just seen a ghost,” he said.

  “Feels a bit like it.” But I wasn’t as shocked as I could have been at his appearance. It felt right, as though I was accustomed to seeing him like this. “You look really good.”

  “Better than normal?”

  “Well … different. What happened?”

  “Nothing happened. That’s just the thing. I’m not a dhampyr. I’m not a hunter. I don’t get a scar every time I get cut or shot. I didn’t lose my eye because I never fought with the vampire who clawed it out with his fingernails.” He raised an eyebrow. “What do you think of that?”

  “I’m speechless, that’s what I think. You look—”

  “Like I could be part of your real life.”

  “Actually, you do.” I smiled and entwined my fingers with his. “No more vampires. No more running for our lives. We can be together. It’s perfect.”

  His expression shadowed. “It’s not perfect.”

  “What?”

  “Your blood …” His brows drew together.

  I felt something warm on my face and swiped my hand under my nose. I was bleeding, dark red blood that looked almost black. My heart sank at the sight of it. “I’m the one who doesn’t fit in now, aren’t I?”

  “I wish I could help you.” His gaze moved to the right and his expression tensed. “Maybe he can.”

  I turned my head to look. The sun was bright outside, and there was a man standing in the doorway staring at me so intently I couldn’t believe I hadn’t noticed him yet. It was Declan—the scarred version. One eye. Ragged from ten years of hunting vampires. Wearing a black leather jacket that had seen better days.

  He wasn’t smiling.

  “Jill …” he said.

  I immediately rose from the table and went toward him, but it felt as if the air had thickened, making it difficult to move. Panic snaked through me.

  Declan jerked forward a step as if he’d been hit from behind. He gasped for breath, then clamped his scarred hand against his stomach and looked down at it. Bright red blood gushed through his fingers. When he looked up at me, I noticed his throat was now slit as well. Blood pumped out of him with every beat of his slowing heart.

  I couldn’t breathe. I tried desperately to fight through whatever this was that was holding me back.

  “Declan!” I woke up screaming and clutching at the solid form in front of me.

  “I’m here,” Declan soothed, stroking my hair. “It was just a nightmare. It’s okay, Jill. You’re okay.”

  I pulled back from him and searched his face, my eyes wide. He was here. He was alive. “I thought that I … I thought that you—that you were—”

  “Whatever it was, it wasn’t real.” He held my face between his hands and wiped my tears away. “I know all of this has been a struggle for you, but it’s almost over. Try to be strong for just a little while longer. Can you do that?”

  I nodded soundlessly.

  “Jill …” Declan began after a few silent moments went by. He was frowning.

  “What?”

  “That experiment last night …”

  I eyed him. “What about it?”

  “Do you regret it? Do you wish we hadn’t even tried?”

  I hesitated. “You really want to know how I felt about it?”

  “Yes.”

  “It was amazing, but …”

  His brow furrowed. “But what?”

  I looked directly in his gray eye and pressed my hands against his warm chest. “But I’ve been thinking about it. And as good as it was … I—I don’t want you to touch me or kiss me like that again unless you really, really mean it and feel something in return. Understand?”

  He held my gaze before nodding firmly. “I understand.”

  There was a ringing sound. Declan fished into his pocket for his cell phone and held it to his ear. “Yeah?�
��

  He didn’t take his attention off me for a moment. He stayed seated at the edge of the bed.

  “Got it,” he said, then ended the call, his jaw tightening. “That was fast. Reynolds is ready to see you again.”

  “The doctor is in,” I said, my voice shaky.

  “You ready?”

  The dream troubled me. What did it mean? That I wanted Declan, but only if he was perfect and normal? But if he was normal, that meant I wasn’t. The only thing I knew for sure was that when I saw the real Declan injured, dying, all I wanted was to get to him. To help him. To comfort him. But I couldn’t.

  And then it was too late.

  I guess I didn’t need to hunt too far to find the symbolism there.

  I nodded firmly. “I’m ready.”

  WE RETURNED TO the warehouse. I got the same strange feeling I’d had yesterday as we entered the main doors, unguarded apart from the security camera.

  “What’s wrong?” Declan asked.

  “This place …” I shook my head. “It freaks me out knowing there are vampires downstairs that Dr. Reynolds is using as test subjects.”

  “This is how it’s done, Jill. If you want to test ways to exterminate vampires, you need vampires to exterminate.”

  “So this is nothing new.”

  “No. And this isn’t the only facility like this in the country—both government and privately funded. The vampires used in programs like this are the most messed up, the ones that can’t keep their fangs out of humans. They’re brought here instead of ending up on the wrong side of a stake.”

  I hesitated and looked at Declan. “You’ll stay with me?”

  “If you want me to,” he said, holding my gaze.

  I nodded, though my throat felt thick. He’d stay with me until all of this was over. Through the pain. Through the drama. When everything was pain free and drama free, he’d be gone. I guess I’d just take things an hour at a time. Hell, a minute at a time might be a better idea.

  Jackson was waiting for us at the elevator. “Dr. Reynolds wants me to take care of a little matter downstairs. But first I’m supposed to take you down to his examining room so you can … do what you have to do.”

  His gaze flicked to Declan.

  “Problem?” Declan asked as we got into the elevator and Jackson punched in the code.