Life of the Party

by Christine Anderson

  I stared. That was all I could do. My mouth hung open in shock from Riley’s words. I knew he didn’t mean what he said, he was just upset—but that didn’t excuse him either. I shook my head angrily.

  “Nice Ry. Real nice. Is that how you think of me? Does that seem like something I’d do?”

  “Not you. But he would.” He emphasised the word “he” with great disdain.

  “Well, for your information, Grey was a perfect gentleman.” I retorted. At least, I thought he was. I couldn’t remember everything, but the fact that I was fully dressed upon waking was definitely a good sign.

  “Yeah. Typically, prefect gentlemen convince minors to do cocaine with them. I forgot.”

  “What is your problem Riley? About a month ago, you were giving me ecstasy. You’re no different than Grey. You were no different from Grey, anyway. Give him some slack.”

  “There’s a major difference, here. You weren’t madly in love with me then, like you are with Grey now. You wouldn’t do everything I ever suggested just to try and get with me.”

  “What?” This arguing was making my head pound frantically. I shut my eyes and leaned back against the seat in frustration. “When did I become this gigantic slut in your mind?”

  He shook his head, his jaw clenching … but then he sighed. “You didn’t. You aren’t. I know you’re not … a slut … I’m sorry. It’s just … you should see yourself around this guy, it’s like you’re a totally different person … totally infatuated. Of all the people in the world, he shouldn’t have that kind of power over you. I just … I don’t trust him.”

  “You don’t trust him?” I opened one eye. “Why’s that?”

  “Because. He’s going to hurt you, Mackenzie. I know his type; I know what he’s like. He’ll hurt you, in the end.”

  “Fff—” I shook my head incredulously and stared out the window at the passing houses for a moment. When I spoke at last, my voice was sad, regretful, and acidic all at the same time.

  “Grey can’t hurt me anymore than you have. So don’t act all gallant, okay?”

  “Then I have?” Riley exclaimed. He turned the car into the parking lot, the gravel crunching under his tires. The lot was bare of people. We were late. He stopped the car abruptly and threw it into park. The silence after he cut the engine was deafening. I could feel him staring at me, but I refused to look away from the window. He sighed.

  “How have I hurt you?”

  I crossed my arms and shook my head. He wasn’t getting any hints from me.

  “I know, I know.” He groaned, and leaned his head against the steering wheel. “No one said this would be easy. It’s not at all. There always seems to be something more to give up, something I hadn’t thought of. But it’s worth it. So worth it. I wish you could see ….”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?” I pressed my hands to my temples. My head was going to explode.

  “Mackenzie … Zee … I’m sorry. I thought this would be hardest for me, to adjust to a new life, to make new friends, a new way of living. But it’s not, is it?” He reached out then, hesitantly, and gently cupped my chin in his hand. Reluctantly, I turned my head for him.

  “This is hard for you, because you have to make a new life too, don’t you? One without me in it.”

  I could feel tears growing again, and the ache in my throat made me angry. I nodded curtly at his statement.

  “I wish there were another way, Mackenzie. I hope one day you’ll understand what I’m doing and why I have to do it. Maybe, one day, you’ll even be proud of me.”

  I shrugged indifferently. I couldn’t do this with him anymore, that much was certain. He had chosen his way, obviously, and the way he chose did not include me. It would be easier for me to accept that, to quit hanging around, wishing and hoping and waiting for him to be friends again. Suddenly I realized it wasn’t about him letting go of me. I had to do the letting go. I had to let him go do whatever it was that he needed. I would miss him, dreadfully, but it was something I had to do. Something I could do.

  “I don’t think we should be friends anymore.” The stream of words poured from my lips, quietly and quickly so I couldn’t stop them. Once they were out, I turned back to the window so I couldn’t see his reaction. I didn’t want to know. I would imagine that my words hurt him and he’d be sad to see me go. My hand gripped the door handle.

  “If you think that’s what’s best.” He acknowledged. His voice was soft … sorry, maybe? Regretful? Hadn’t he known all along that this was inevitable? I shook my head and opened the door. Riley was getting off easy here, and he knew it.

  “Mackenzie?” He called to me suddenly, just as I was about to leave. I paused, taking the sudden opportunity to look him full on and memorize the sweet face of my best friend. His dark hair was unkempt, as usual; his brown eyes were wide and soft, his face endearing. I managed a smile for him, because I did love him, in my way, and he would always be a part of my heart. And I wouldn’t let myself cry, even though the tears were choking.

  “I have to save myself, you know?” He sounded hopeless. “But it’s for you. It’s all for you.”

  I blinked a few times, hearing his words, and my smile began to shake.

  “Goodbye, Riley.” I turned away then, before he could see me cry.

  CHAPTER 14

  “Wasn’t it worth it?” Grey had asked me earlier that morning. By seven o’clock that evening, I changed my answer. No, it wasn’t worth it. I felt carsick sitting totally still. Charlie set another glass of water on the table and brushed my hair back from my face.

  “You know what would help?” Her voice was low, meant only for my ears. I didn’t know, but whatever it was, I wanted it. I looked up into her lovely blue eyes.

  “What?” The restaurant was totally dead—our supper rush had come and gone without us batting an eye, but that had been helpful, given my condition. Sophie had just gone home and Charlie and I were taking advantage of the situation, rolling cutlery at one of the tables, A.K.A sitting down before Mackenzie lost her lack of lunch.

  “Here.” She rose, revealing her perfect figure painted into a long sleeved, v-cut black dress, and grabbed her purse from the hooks in the corner of the station. After rummaging for a moment, she handed me a little pink and brown tin. “Go to the bathroom.”

  “Uh … okay.” I took the tin from her, puzzled. She giggled.

  “You’ll know once you’re there.”

  “Okay. Thanks.” I headed slowly down the brown brick hallway, shivering at the change in temperature. The girls bathroom was totally empty, eerily quiet but for a dripping faucet along the sinks.

  I opened the tin and immediately understood. There were a few things in it, rolling papers, a lighter, some roaches, a vial of cocaine …. At first I wondered how something that caused me to feel this rotten could possibly help, but then I was too excited to care. I took it all into a bathroom stall, unscrewed the vial very carefully, and placed a tiny amount of powder on the end of the scoop. Pinching closed my other nostril I took the cocaine quickly, almost expertly. After that, I did one more on the other side, just to make it even.

  The feeling took me quickly, like it had last night. I sat in near instant relief, a smile flitting to my face as the good feelings spread. It worked. Headache, nausea … all of it was gone. I felt like a new woman, energized, recharged. Full of life and joy again.

  A totally different person joined Charlie at the table where we’d been sitting. She noticed immediately, and laughed out loud.

  “Told you.”

  “Wow, what a difference.” I laughed with her. “How do you keep from doing it, all day, every day? It’s so good!” I lowered my voice for that last part.

  “I don’t know … self-control I guess. The more you do it, the less you feel it. Remember that.”

  “Do you do it very often?” I handed her back the tin, which she quickly replaced in her purse.

  “I try to keep it for special occasions,” she admitted. “Bu
t sometimes it’s helpful in a pinch. Like tonight.”

  “Wow, Charlie. I think I’m in love with you.” I smiled.

  “Me too, Mac.” Charlie laughed, her blond curls shaking. “Now, tell me about your night ….”

  After the deadest shift in history, and a few more trips to the bathroom for each of us, Charlie shut the open sign off with great excitement. We lit a smoke, nearly synchronized, and laughed. The kitchen staff were out front already and we talked and joked with them, though I knew none of them well. They were all very friendly, and I thought myself to be very funny high. I’d never been overly outgoing, though not shy either—personable maybe, the most comfortable in my own clique. Cocaine gave me such courage, such confidence that I could approach complete strangers and strike up a conversation, have them laughing before the end. I loved it.

  “Oh, hey, I think that’s them.” Charlie declared as she watched a pair of red taillights pull into the parking lot outside.

  “Them?” I peered out into the dark.

  “Well, him, anyway. I asked Zack to pick me up after work.”

  “Oh.”

  Charlie smiled. “Come on. Maybe there’s someone here for you, too.”

  The thought was appealing. I nodded excitedly and grabbed my purse and coat, handing Charlie hers. We waved goodbye to the group around the tables and headed out into the warm summer night.

  The faded silver car was pulled up at an angle outside the brick face of the restaurant. Music greeted us dimly from its opened windows—heavy guitars, thrashing, screaming vocals. Zack noticed us and jumped out of the driver’s seat. I hung back so he and Charlie could greet properly. As I was staring off at nothing, giving the couple some privacy, the rear door of Zack’s car opened and Grey stepped out. I couldn’t stop the wide smile that leapt across my face at the very sight of him.

  Dressed again in dark jeans, Grey was wearing a black short sleeved shirt overtop a white long sleeved. I loved the way he dressed; I loved his constant stubble and his dark tousled hair. His blue eyes met mine as I approached. I had wanted to kiss him, to run into his arms—but even with my coke-confidence, the look on Grey’s face was enough to discourage me from doing so. I was a little taken aback at the hard, cold expression that he greeted me with. Awkwardly, I stood there, the smile falling slightly from my face.

  “Can I talk to you a minute?” Grey wondered, his voice cool and indifferent. He shoved his hands in his pockets.

  “Uh … yeah. Sure.”

  “Here.” He motioned with his head for us to move. I watched him, dumbfounded; following as he formally grasped my arm and led me away to the edge of the parking lot.

  “What’s up?” I tried to keep my voice light, casual, but the expression on his face had me deeply worried. A deep spasm of dread crept into my belly—with it the feeling that I wasn’t going to like whatever he had to tell me.

  “Listen, Mackenzie.” He started. I liked the way he always said my full name when so many people felt the need to shorten it. I shook my head at the random thought and tried to focus.

  “Yes?”

  “I just … I don’t know. When I woke up this morning, I got to thinking about it, about our night last night, and I don’t know … I kind of feel … bad.”

  “Bad? What for?” That was the last thing I felt when I thought of last night, the last thing I wanted him to feel.

  “Well … I just, I hope I didn’t give you the wrong idea.” Grey stood, casual and cool, his hands in his pockets, his eyes on the dirty pavement below our feet. I stared at him in wonder.

  “Wrong idea about what?” I crossed my arms, as if to shield myself from the blow of his words. I knew what was coming next.

  “About us.” He looked up from the pavement then, and met my eyes. His were totally blank … deep blue and gorgeous, but void of any emotion. I wondered if my eyes looked the same way, or if they were betraying me, showing the sudden hurt and deferred hope this conversation was causing. I took a breath and nodded for him to continue.

  “I mean, we had some fun together, right?” Grey grinned at me.

  “Yeah, oh yeah.” I tried to force the same enthusiasm into my voice.

  “Okay. Well, I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page. Don’t get me wrong, last night was great—but ….”

  “No, yeah, totally.” I nodded consentingly, even adding a good forced smile. “It was just fun, for sure. I get that. No big deal.”

  “Yeah?”

  “Yeah. Of course, yeah.” I smiled at him again, but my façade was dissolving rapidly. I had to get away from him before it all fell apart. “Just, uh … thanks for inviting me.”

  “Sure, no problem.” Just then, an old, off key horn honked, startling me. Grey laughed.

  “Zack is impatient.” He explained, and motioned for us to return to the car. I followed along beside him, hugging myself despite the warm temperature of the air. Zack and Charlie were both inside the car already, waiting for us to get in.

  “You coming? We could drop you off.” He eyed me, with what I couldn’t tell … dismay, indifference? It didn’t matter. Clearly I wasn’t invited to join them tonight.

  “Um … no, I think I’ll walk home, actually.” I decided; spur of the moment. There was no way I could get into that car—so near to Grey—and pretend like nothing was the matter. I wanted to be by myself.

  “You sure? Free lift?” He suggested. I met his eyes a moment, shook my head, and turned away. As he opened the car door to get in, I could hear Charlie’s voice asking about me. I didn’t hear Grey’s reply as the door shut, and after a moment the silver car sped past me, burning down the street. The music floated in the air long after the car had faded from view.

  It was windy, but the wind was warm. I let out a shaky breath and began to walk. I felt stupid, and exhausted … and just … used. Maybe it had been “young” of me to assume that Grey and I were now an item just because we’d made out for a while. Maybe people their age did that thing on a regular basis. But I didn’t. I didn’t go around throwing myself at every boy and making out with someone new every weekend. The short list of boys I had kissed all meant something to me; they had been and still were special. Especially Grey.

  I pictured them in the car, passing the flask around, the music loud. What were they going to do tonight? Was he going to meet some other girl he could have fun with? I kicked at a random pop can thrown negligently on the street. I was so naïve. So stupid.

  Maybe I had wanted him to like me too much. Maybe I had imagined all his special looks and soft smiles and grins for my benefit. But we’d had such a good time, we’d connected, more than I ever had with anyone else. Was that just a result of my wishful thinking as well? Was I really nothing more to him than a warm body to party with?

  Whatever. My poor self was so exhausted. Even despite the cocaine that slowly crept from my system, I was totally drained … emotionally, physically. I could feel the edges of a headache looming. Our town was small enough that it only took fifteen minutes to walk practically everywhere. I spent the remainder of the time thinking of Grey and the night before and how wonderful it had all been. How good it had felt waking up to him this morning. How he had cupped my head to kiss me right when I was leaving.

  How it had been much, much more than just fun to me.

  CHAPTER 15

  “Mackenzie … Mackenzie.”

  I groaned at whoever was shaking my shoulder.

  “Mackenzie … wake up. You’re going to be late for school.” My mom spoke quietly, prodding my shoulder gently.

  “No … no mom, I’m not going to school.” I decided. My head still ached.

  “What’s the matter? Are you sick?”

  “I don’t feel good.”

  “What about classes? You have exams coming up so soon ….”

  “It’ll be fine. I don’t have any tests today.”

  I could practically hear her frown. “Are you sure? Hmmm …. You don’t seem to have a fever ….” She
placed her forearm to my forehead.

  “I have a crazy headache.” I complained, pushing her arm away. I thought about telling her the truth. Actually mom, I’ve done a ton of cocaine the last few days, I just really need to sleep it off … then I should be fine.

  “Can I get you something?”

  “No, thanks. I just want to sleep.” I snuggled back into my pillow.

  “Okay, then. I’ll be downstairs if you need me.”

  “Okay.” I yawned. That was at 8:10.

  At 3:23, I woke up again. I did feel better. I stretched, yawned, and thought about doing more cocaine. I spared a thought for the poor suckers just leaving school. I wondered if Riley had noticed my absence.

  Then I remembered that he and his stupid Christian girlfriend were going on our camping trip with her family. My mood soured a little. I wondered how to buy cocaine … where I could get it from, some of my own. How much it cost. Surely Charlie would know.

  I wondered if they had all woken up in Charlie’s living room again. If Alex and Zack were animatedly talking about all the good times I missed out on. If Grey were on the living room floor with some girl, one who could lay in his arms all day because she didn’t have to go to school, because she was his age. I grit my teeth and got out of bed. All this imagining wasn’t helping.

  I headed downstairs, still in my pyjamas. I could see my mom as I came around the corner. She hadn’t noticed me. She was sitting at her desk, her back to me, her short, faded dark curls shaking slightly as she moved. A large stack of embossed wedding invitations sat before her. I watched as she stuffed an envelope, affixed a stamp, and then used a little water sponge instead of her tongue to wet the envelope glue. She sealed the envelope, looked at it crucially for a moment, then moved on to the next one, apparently satisfied.

  I laughed quietly to myself, and rolled my eyes. My mother may have been one of the most frustratingly annoying people I knew, but she was also the cutest. Once upon a time, she had heard that cockroaches lay eggs in the glue of envelopes. Since that day, she had never licked a single one, relying on her faithful little sponge roller instead.