All of Nothing

by Vania Rheault

  Raven learned to keep her most valuable possessions at Elle’s, hidden in a box that used to contain permanent solution.

  It had been a costly lesson the day the two thousand dollars Jax had given her was stolen from her backpack. She’d cried for days over the lost opportunities.

  “Yes, that would be lovely,” Raven said, fingering the pink nightgown she’d worn off and on during her stay. The clothing she’d been wearing when Jax found her had vanished, and only for the nightgowns and panties she was given, she had no clothes to her name.

  Even if she wanted to run, she couldn’t. She wouldn’t last two minutes outside dressed like this.

  Toya drew her a bubble bath; steam and the scent of flowers permeated the room.

  The nurse helped Raven sink into the bubbles and hot water. The tub resembled a deep hot tub more than a regular bathtub, and she sank to the bottom, the mountain of bubbles hiding every inch of her skin.

  “Call me if you need me,” Toya said, before leaving the door open only a crack.

  Raven didn’t even have time to fantasize about what the rest of her day would bring before the door creaked open, and Jax stepped inside the cream and mint green painted bathroom.

  Dressed in his usual navy suit—this time his tie was striped with silver and red—Jax leaned against the vanity, pinning her with his stare.

  Grateful the bubbles hid most of her body, Raven gritted her teeth, trying to control her fear of the heartless man standing in front of her. Toya was just outside the door if Jax hadn’t made her go away.

  “Dr. Monroe said you’re feeling better,” Jax began, not seeming to care she was naked and bathing.

  Not affected at all.

  She didn’t want him to be. She didn’t want to be the one to thaw his frozen exterior. He was engaged—that would be his new bride’s job.

  “Yes,” she agreed, bubbles caressing her chin. She wouldn’t thank him for his concern—he wasn’t here because of that.

  “Then it’s time we talk about the future. I need to know what your expectations are, and I’ll have a contract drawn up with our arrangement. After I fulfill my obligation, I expect you to fulfill yours. You will not lead me on with any last minute negotiations. You said you wanted your life back. What does that mean, exactly?”

  His stare made it hard to concentrate. And while the bubbles hid her most important bits from his eyes, he made her feel vulnerable. Naked. Physically, yes, obviously, but bare, her soul exposed for him to see.

  “I don’t know,” she said. Had she been warned of this meeting, she could have asked for a pen and paper and made a list. Prioritize. She knew what she wanted and needed to start her new life, but she had too many things she could ask for, like a college education, or money for one, anyway, and she didn’t know how much Jax would let her take before he cut her off.

  He shifted to his haunches near the tub, and Raven’s heart pounded in dread.

  Jax rested both hands on the lip of the porcelain. “What do you mean, ‘you don’t know’? Surely you had something in mind when you made the deal with me.”

  “I h-haven’t had time to think.” Raven hated the way her voice sounded. Like a blubbering idiot. That wasn’t who she was. She would have been eaten alive, and not by rats, on the street, if she didn’t have the courage and the guts to defend herself.

  “Haven’t had time?” Jax’s eyes darkened, and his lips thinned. “Yes, I suppose you’ve been too busy cuddling up to my brother to think about anything else.”

  Raven wanted to sit up in protest, but she’d lose the protection of the bubbles covering her breasts. “I haven’t been well.” That was only partially true. She’d been sick, but she’d been feeling better day by day, and there wasn’t any excuse she could give him.

  And he knew it.

  “Then let’s start from the beginning, and work from there,” he murmured reaching out to her.

  Raven cringed away.

  She didn’t want him to touch her, and blessedly, he withdrew his hand.

  Raven wished he’d leave her and allow her to soak in peace. It had been so long since she’d had the opportunity to lie in a tub and do nothing but float and read a good book. She used to take a lot of baths at home.

  Before.

  Instead, he sank to his knees and knelt in front of her.

  His proximity took her even further off-guard. The unhappy pull of his mouth. The hard look in his hazel eyes. The tilt of his head that said he wouldn’t take any of her shit.

  He was already pissed she had the audacity to say no to him. Jax Brooks wouldn’t make this easy.

  Raven needed this chance. Whether he would make this palatable or not, she had to be strong enough to make it this time. Living on the street wasn’t what she’d planned on doing with her life, and her parents made it clear if she wanted back in their house, even for coffee, she needed to visit sober, wearing decent clothes, and preferably holding a respectable job. They wouldn’t tolerate her present state.

  They had made it through, she could, too. That was their way of thinking, anyway.

  Only, she’d never been able to freeze herself off the way her parents could.

  And like Jax apparently could, too.

  Something had happened to him, made him the way he was. Erik wouldn’t tell her what, only fed her enough to keep her from wanting to kill Jax in his sleep for being such an asshole.

  “The beginning?” Raven shivered even though the water had barely begun to cool.

  “The last time I saw you, you guzzled my whiskey like you hadn’t had a drink in months. Are you an alcoholic? You don’t seem to be. You’ve been with me for three weeks. You haven’t had a drop of alcohol, and you’re not going through withdrawal.”

  “How do you know that?” she hissed, horrified he remembered that unsavory scene in the church.

  “Because the minute I brought you home I marked all my liquor bottles. Tell me, do you have your drinking under control?”

  Raven looked away, and the warm water lapped at her cheek. “I don’t need it. I like it. It helps me . . .” She gave up. He would never understand.

  “Escape.”

  Her gaze flew to his. There was a crack in his ice. Just a small one. A little tiny fissure.

  “How did you know?”

  “This isn’t about me. You don’t need AA then. But you need counseling. You didn’t get where you are by being mentally stable.”

  Raven tried not to be offended; all he said was the truth. But having it spoken aloud made her cheeks flame.

  Jax continued, “You can’t go anywhere looking as you did. You need a haircut, makeup, lessons if you don’t know how to apply it. Clothing. If you can look a part, it’s that much easier to play. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

  She did, strangely enough. Fake it ’til you make it. Even if she didn’t feel put together on the inside, she would look it on the outside, and she would be halfway there. “I can’t afford any of that.”

  Jax’s mouth twisted. “Your signature will cost me plenty. It already has—perhaps not financially. I’ll pay for you being here in different ways. But let’s not kid ourselves—this situation is my fault. If I had come clean with Gwen leaving me, I wouldn’t be in this hot mess with you.”

  “Who will help me with all of that? Certainly not you.”

  Jax snorted. “No. And not Lucia, either.”

  Raven frowned. “Who is that?”

  “Lucia is my fiancée. She is tolerating your existence under my . . . our . . . roof. She has made it quite clear she’s not happy, and she would sooner spit on you than take you to Bloomingdale’s. My mother will help you. Thanks to Erik, she knows all my dirty secrets, and I have to say, for some strange reason she’s looking forward to meeting you again.”

  Raven wanted to dunk her head. Meeting Mrs. Brooks was the last thing she wanted to do. While Jax’s money would help her on her feet, his social circle would make her feel like the mud under their Manolo Blahnik pumps
.

  “Great.”

  Jax regarded her coolly, and his disapproval made Raven feel like a brat. His mother didn’t have anything to do with this, and she should be grateful she was willing to help her.

  “I’m sorry. It’s kind of her to want to help me.”

  “That’s better. You may be forcing my hand, but the least you could do is be cordial about it. Which brings us to the other things. You don’t have an education.”

  “How do you know that?” The man knew everything about her, and it made her twitch. The bubbles in her bath were also starting to pop, and she hoped this conversation was almost over, or she’d be treating Jax to a show before too long.

  “The internet is a wonderful tool. When you don’t have access to a computer, the realization of the things you can find online can slip by you. I don’t imagine you spend much time online.”

  The only place Raven could use a computer was the library, and the library rarely let her inside. She shook her head.

  “I’ll hire a tutor for you. Tutors, actually. One for GED classes. Another for manners and etiquette. Perhaps someone for speech. I’ll want you ready to meet the Queen of England by the time you leave my house. If you take to the GED courses, we will see about university.”

  Raven’s blood thrummed through her veins. College. More than she’d hoped for.

  “Do you know what you would want to study?”

  Before, before her life had changed, she’d wanted to be an English teacher. “I like English. A long time ago I wanted to teach it.”

  Jax nodded. “That’s something. I’ll see to it you get a diary. You can begin journaling. It will give your tutor an idea where you are in that subject, at least. Perhaps down the road you may want to write a memoir. Writing can be very therapeutic, I’ve been told. And if you were to publish, you would be helping others by sharing your story.”

  Speechless at the amount of insight and understanding Jax displayed toward her, Raven could only stare at him.

  He stood, grimacing as his knees popped. “That’s a start. I’ll send up some clothing so my mother doesn’t have to bring you to Bloomingdale’s naked. It’s much too cold for that, at any rate. Gwen left a few things behind, and since you fit her wedding dress, I’ll assume you’ll fit in other things of hers as well.”

  “Okay.” She didn’t like the idea of wearing another woman’s clothing, but wasn’t that what she did? The clothes Jax had probably burned after the doctor stripped them from her had been cast offs she’d received from social services during a “first snowfall” event. She’d needed the down jacket desperately, and had slept outside the building to keep the first place in line.

  “She’ll come for you at ten, sharp, Raven. You’ll meet her downstairs. You may go where you please, but you are not welcome in Lucia’s and my wing. We must maintain some privacy, and I refuse to be responsible for what Lucia will do if she finds you where you are not permitted.”

  Jax and Lucia didn’t have to worry about Raven snooping around. As long as she had a book, she could make a three foot space her castle. “Do you have any books? The nurses have been sharing with me.”

  “I’ll ask Mariah to give you a proper tour after the shopping trip with my mother. Yes, I have a library, and yes, you may borrow any book you like. But the books will be returned how they are borrowed, is that clear? Do not dog-ear to hold your place. Do not spill coffee on them. Do not eat Doritos and turn the pages.”

  She thought he was joking, and she almost smiled until he said, “I banned Erik from my library when he spilled scotch on a first print run edition of The Sun Also Rises. I learn from my mistakes. Do you, Raven?”

  The bubbles had receded to the point where she needed to ask Jax to leave, but he turned to go.

  He didn’t wait for her to answer, and she blew out a sigh of relief when the door clicked behind him.

  She hadn’t an answer for him, anyway. Did she learn from her mistakes?

  No. Or her situation wouldn’t have become so dire.

  But being under Jax’s roof, she would have to start.

  Raven didn’t sleep most of the night, anxiety twisting her gut. She didn’t remember Jax’s mother well; just a glimmer of a blonde woman dressed in a powder blue business suit peeking into the office while Raven signed the marriage certificate.

  It was because of Grace Brooks Raven signed her real name. Jax had said something to her, but Raven had missed it entirely.

  As the sun tried to make an appearance in the wintery sky, Raven crawled out of the bed she’d found herself in a little over three weeks ago.

  While she showered, someone delivered Gwen’s old clothes. Wrapped in a large, fluffy towel, she fingered the cream sweater, the nubby material catching on a ragged fingernail. Raven didn’t know how old Jax was, but he appeared older than her own thirty-three years. He’d probably had his fair share of women living in his house, had several closets full of old clothes, not having the heart to get rid of them.

  No. That wouldn’t be why he kept things from previous lovers. The man didn’t have a drop of sentimentality in him.

  Whatever the reason, Raven was grateful. The black leggings were a bit long, and the bra gaped a little at the top of the cups, but the sweater fit.

  She hoped the panties were brand new, or at least, worn very little if at all. That, at least, was one thing she insisted on—she bought underwear for herself. Or if she was given any, they were always still in the package. Raven wouldn’t accept them otherwise. She may be homeless, but she still had her pride, and panties were cheap enough to buy new, one by one as she needed them, from the dollar store clearance bin.

  When someone knocked on her door, Raven answered with gratitude. After she’d gotten dressed, she didn’t know what else to do. She was starving, but leaving her room to look for breakfast seemed wrong somehow. Raven was an unwanted guest in Jax’s house, and while she felt comfortable asking for something to read, food seemed different.

  People took food for granted, but not Raven. Anything she could eat was a blessing, and she was grateful for every mouthful.

  While she’d been sick, a maid or one of her nurses brought her a tray. Jax made sure she’d eaten well, but still, some meals there hadn’t been enough food to fill her belly.

  She never ever asked for seconds.

  In Raven’s world, there were no seconds.

  “Mr. Jax has left for the office, but he instructed me to offer you breakfast,” a Latina woman said. She was short, like Raven, her skin an olive color Raven admired. Her hair was a glossy black, and her dark brown eyes were kind. “My name is Mariah.”

  Raven loosened her death grip on the doorknob. “Thank you, Mariah. I’m hungry, but I wasn’t sure if I should do anything.”

  Mariah’s eyes darkened as she gestured for Raven to follow her down the hallway. “You keep to your room, miss,” Mariah warned. “You don’t want to run into Miss Lucia.” She muttered something in Spanish that sounded none too complimentary to Raven.

  If Mariah didn’t like Lucia, and Jax warned Raven not to get in the woman’s way, then Raven definitely wouldn’t leave her room unless it was necessary.

  “You sit,” Mariah instructed when they entered a dining room featuring a large dining table that could seat twelve.

  Raven stared in dismay at the elegant, but cold, room. “Oh, I couldn’t. I wouldn’t—” Tears clogged Raven’s throat.

  God, she wasn’t cut out for this. She missed the comfort and warmth of the soup kitchen. The kind volunteers. The pancakes and spaghetti. The day-old bread donated from the local bakery.

  She was too far out of her league.

  Raven ran a hand over her face, embarrassed to be crying over something so stupid as being asked to sit at a table.

  Mariah placed an arm around Raven’s shoulders. “You come into the kitchen with me. What Mr. Jax doesn’t know won’t hurt.”

  “Thank you.”

  Raven followed the cook into a bright and spaci
ous kitchen. A TV bolted to one wall played a morning talk show, but too low for Raven to make out the words. The scent of coffee permeated the air and the bacon warming on the stovetop made Raven’s stomach rumble.

  Mariah jerked her head to a table half the size of the one in the dining room, this one painted white, the surface scarred.

  Sinking into the seat, Raven blinked as a plate loaded with scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast appeared before her along with a mug of coffee and a sugar and cream service. “Oh, Mariah, you shouldn’t—”

  “It’s my job. Now eat.”

  Mariah turned away to block out further objections, and Raven swallowed a lump of guilt along with a forkful of fluffy egg.

  Raven was playing a game she couldn’t possibly win, and she better quit while she was ahead. Maybe he’d give her something to tide her over until . . . well, she’d never do better without his help and resources. The stolen money proved that.

  She needed to sign the papers and just go.

  Before pushing her plate away, Raven made herself finish her food. This would be the last decent meal she’d eat in a while.

  “Mariah, I—”

  A woman burst through the kitchen door. “Mariah, I looked for Raven in the—oh, for goodness sake! What is she doing in here?” She stopped near the island counter, gloves clutched in one hand, her fist pushed onto a hip in amused agitation.

  “She didn’t want to be alone, ma’am,” Mariah said, clearing Raven’s plate.

  “Jax wouldn’t like it,” the woman reprimanded, though a smiled played with her mouth. “You know Jax likes things done the way he likes them done.”

  “Mr. Jax isn’t here,” Mariah returned, unconcerned she was speaking to Jax’s mother.

  Raven’s heart slammed beneath her ribs, her breakfast rolled queasily in her stomach.

  Grace Brooks.

  She looked glamorous, polished in a way only a woman with money could look. She wore wide-legged black dress pants, the hems wisping over the tops of high-heeled black boots. Her blouse was hidden by a long forest green winter jacket. Grace’s hazel eyes—Jax’s were exact copies—crinkled with happiness, and her blonde hair had been pinned into a stylish French twist revealing diamond studs twinkling in her ears, her earlobes pink from the cold.