All of Nothing

by Vania Rheault

  No one knew that more than Raven.

  Besides, even as the days passed and the numerous hallways in the large house no longer turned her around, the fact she felt more comfortable in the kitchen over anywhere else was telling.

  Every once in a while, she wondered where Lucia was, but only thanked her lucky stars she had never met Jax’s fiancée.

  Her luck ran out one snowy evening after her tutor released her for the day. Carrying a heavy stack of textbooks, Raven took the stairs to her room, several pages marked with bright Post-It notes. She had quite a bit of homework to complete that evening, but she looked forward to it.

  “I’ll have to tell Jax we need an exterminator,” Lucia sneered, coming up behind her. “We have a rat problem, I see.”

  Raven stopped mid-step. “Lucia, good evening.”

  God, but the woman was beautiful. She looked exactly the way Raven pictured a woman of Jax’s would look. Her blonde hair shone, waves upon waves floating around her shoulders. Her eyes were blue ice chips, accented by long, dark lashes. Her pink lips pulled into an unhappy frown.

  Lucia was dressed similarly to Raven: sweater, skinny jeans tucked into boots. But Lucia carried herself with an air of self-importance that Raven could never learn in a million years.

  “You have some nerve,” Lucia said, advancing on Raven.

  Raven held her ground; she wouldn’t be scared of this woman. “What do you mean?”

  “Forcing Jax to help you. Do you know how many thousands of dollars he’s spent on you?”

  Narrowing her eyes, Raven said, “He blackmailed me first—he started this whole mess. I’m sure you know what payback means. There’s no way a woman in your position has let an opportunity of revenge pass her by.”

  Lucia laughed. “You want more than payback. You want Jax.” She stepped closer to Raven, fury shooting from her eyes.

  Raven took a step back after all, trapped on the wide staircase between the handrail and Lucia’s anger.

  “But you can’t have him,” Lucia continued, her face close to Raven’s. Unhappy lines framed the socialite’s mouth. The woman never smiled. “Jax is mine.”

  Raven gripped her textbooks to her chest. Lucia looked ready to kill her.

  “I don’t want Jax,” Raven said, trying to calm Jax’s fiancée. She wished someone were around. Mariah. Grace popping in for a visit. Erik. Even Jax, though she knew which side he’d take.

  But there wasn’t a sound in the entire house.

  “I hate you,” Lucia spat, bringing up her arm. “Get the fuck out of my house.”

  Raven’s head whipped to the side with the impact of Lucia’s hand connecting with the side of her face, Lucia’s nails raking across her cheek. She dropped her books and gripped the railing to keep herself from stumbling.

  Meeting Lucia’s eyes, Raven touched her stinging cheek, and her fingertips came away red.

  Lucia stood on the stairs, victory, horror, then remorse taking over her features, one by one.

  Raven knew it was all for show. There was no way a woman like Lucia, rich and spoiled, hadn’t gone through life without slapping another person, without physically hurting someone and reveling in the pain she caused.

  Unhappy people liked to share their misery.

  But Raven would bet her new wardrobe other women didn’t fight back.

  On the streets, Raven had to defend herself. She couldn’t be pegged as weak, or she’d always be a target.

  “You miserable cow,” Raven whispered. “Don’t you ever touch me again.”

  She only intended to make Lucia give her a little space, but in her anger, she pushed too hard, and Lucia lost her footing on the stairs. The blonde tumbled down the remainder, her wrist snapping with a nauseating crunch when she broke her fall at the bottom.

  Lucia let out a glass-shattering wail. “You little bitch,” she screamed around her sobs.

  Swallowing her heart and abandoning her textbooks on the staircase, Raven turned and ran. Jax would never let her stay after hurting his fiancée. He’d made it clear she played by his rules or she’d be out.

  Desperately, her mind scrambled with ideas on where she could go, what she could do, and how quickly she could do it.

  Raven had to leave before Jax kicked her out.

  Raven rushed to her room, her heartbeat slamming in her ears. She only had a small amount of time before Lucia called Jax, and he would come home.

  The snapping of bone echoed in Raven’s mind. She hadn’t meant to hurt Lucia. Just push that horrid woman out of her face.

  Frantically, Raven looked for things to bring with her. The weeks she’d spent in Jax’s home hadn’t buried the survival instincts she’d honed living from shelter to shelter, and she was able to throw a few things into a backpack that would last her months on the street.

  She wasted valuable seconds debating on whether to bring handfuls of the jewelry Grace purchased for her. Costume jewelry, all of it, but it would bring a fair price at a pawn shop.

  In the end, she decided against it. Nothing in this room was hers.

  She changed into boots more appropriate for walking, and she’d have no choice but to grab a winter jacket from the foyer on her way out.

  Raven paused for a moment outside her room.

  This was never going to be her life; she had no right to say goodbye.

  She ran down the stairs, Lucia blessedly gone, probably screaming on the phone to Jax right now.

  Raven rifled through the foyer closet, her mouth dry, expecting someone to stop her at any moment. She grabbed the first jacket she saw, along with a hat and pair of gloves. March could be colder than any other time in the winter, even though spring was supposedly right around the corner.

  Elle still had a few of Raven’s things, and Raven’s heart ached. She hadn’t been in touch with her friend all this time. She hoped Elle hadn’t written her off. Maybe someone told her Jax found her at Damien’s. News like that wasn’t kept secret for long.

  She stepped outside, narrowing her eyes against the fading sun glinting against the pristine snow. She half expected Jax’s car to be careening down the driveway, but only minutes had passed since she pushed Lucia, and she forced herself to breathe for a moment. It would take Jax at least half an hour to make the drive from the city.

  Raven needed to make good use of that time. She shoved on her parka, hat and gloves, the cold already penetrating the thick sweater, her fear turning icy on her skin. She secured the backpack she’d taken from her room, stuffed with the things she hadn’t felt guilty taking with her.

  Instead of using the driveway to make it to the highway, Raven cut through Jax’s acreage, hoping the fading sunlight and dense trees would hide her figure.

  She groaned in dismay at the tracks she left behind, but there was no help for it. Besides, it would only tell them which way she went—once she made it to the highway, she’d hitch a ride and disappear.

  Jax wouldn’t look for her.

  He’d be glad she was gone.

  Sweat ran down her back, but her thighs were numb with cold by the time she made it to the highway.

  Her cheek stung, but Raven kept herself from touching it. Without a mirror, she didn’t know how bad her scratches were, but she didn’t care. She’d been hurt worse. Inside and out.

  She began walking the opposite way than she wanted, toward a smaller town about ninety miles away, but she couldn’t risk Jax happening upon her on his way home.

  After forty-five minutes of walking through the cold on the shoulder of the highway, a car pulled along side her, the headlights cutting through the heavy dark of the country road.

  The sun had set long before. The veil didn’t lessen Raven’s nerves, but sliding into the car, pushing herself down so she could barely look out the window, did.

  Anyone driving past the vehicle wouldn’t be able to see her.

  “Where to, chickie?” a teenaged girl asked, smacking a piece of gum between her teeth.

  “Into the
city is fine, anywhere. You shouldn’t pick up strangers.” Raven pulled off her gloves and held her hands to the heater vents to thaw her fingers.

  Winter was a shitty time of year to have nowhere to go.

  “You looked okay,” the girl said, unconcerned. “You get in a fight?”

  Raven remembered her cheek and used the mirror in the visor to look at her scratches. A passing car’s headlights gave her the two seconds she needed to assess the damage. Three long and deep scratches oozed blood.

  “Boyfriend,” Raven lied.

  “Been there, done that,” the girl agreed, then turned on the radio.

  Good. Raven didn’t want to talk anymore, anyway.

  When they sped by, Jax’s house was lit brighter than a firecracker bursting at midnight.

  Jax would be home by now, maybe even gone again, bringing Lucia to the hospital.

  She wondered what Mariah would make for dinner, and if anyone would be around to eat it. She sighed. None of that involved her anymore.

  The girl left her in an empty plaza parking lot, not far from where Jax had dumped her years ago. She offered to drop Raven wherever she wanted, feeling terrible it was so cold and dark outside, but Raven couldn’t ask her to drive to Z Avenue. The area was too dangerous; Raven let the girl bring her too close for her liking as it was.

  “Here,” the girl said, grabbing her purse from the backseat. “You look like you’re in a bad way.” She pushed a fifty dollar bill into Raven’s gloved hand, and Raven bit back a denial. She could make fifty dollars stretch for a long time.

  “Thank you.”

  “Be careful.”

  Raven limped down the empty sidewalk. The brand new footwear made blisters form on her toes, though she was warmer than she’d been in the past, bouncing from one shelter to the next in the frigid winter months.

  Rich people knew how to dress.

  It took her another half an hour to reach Elle’s salon, and she peered through the dirty and frosty window, searching for Elle, but the shop was empty. A lamp on the desk Elle used to make appointments flickered, the bulb close to burning out, and it calmed Raven’s heart.

  At least her friend was there, and nothing bad had happened to her.

  Raven went around back and banged on the door in the alley. One good thing about the winter months was that the temperature froze all the contents inside the Dumpsters. People threw any and everything in them. Even bodies.

  The door creaked open, and the point of a knife appeared, shining in the alley light that miraculously hadn’t been shot out.

  “What do you want?” Elle snarled, hiding behind the door.

  “Elle, it’s me, Raven.”

  The door flew open. “Fuck. Raven. I’ve been so fucking worried about you.” Holding the knife away, Elle enveloped her into a hug, and Raven drew in a comforting breath of cigarette smoke and hair dye.

  “I’ve missed you so much,” Raven murmured.

  “Come in out of the cold. Where have you been?”

  Raven kicked her boots against the doorjamb and stepped into Elle’s tiny salon. Hair dye, permanent solution, and other supplies filled the back room, along with the small cot Raven had made her bed on more than one occasion.

  Elle offered many times to let Raven room with her upstairs, but Raven never took advantage of Elle’s generosity. Raven couldn’t hold a job, therefore, unable to pay her share of the rent.

  Raven didn’t use her friends.

  Only jerks who used her first and could afford to pay.

  “Did Jax come here? Is that how he found me at Damien’s?”

  “You were with that sleezball?” Elle’s upper lip curled in disgust. “You know better than that.” She flicked on a light and drew in a breath. “What the hell happened to you?”

  “I need to go to the bathroom, then I’ll tell you.”

  Raven sat on the toilet and fought back tears. She pressed a wad of toilet paper to her eyes. Now wasn’t the time to cry.

  After Raven calmed herself enough to step out of the bathroom, Elle started coffee. It took only a few moments for the soothing scent to float through the air.

  Elle sank into one of the two padded salon chairs placed in front of the wide mirrors. They weren’t cracked or scratched, and Elle had saved a long time to afford them.

  Clearing her scratchy throat, Raven sat in the other chair feeling a thousand years old. She explained her pneumonia; Jax finding her. “You told him where to look for me.”

  Elle lit a cigarette and blew the smoke from the corner of her mouth. “I was worried about you. The jerk said he’d tell me if he found you, but I never heard anything . . . from him. Damien was fucking pissed. If he hears you’re back . . . he said he’s gonna get you good. I heard he couldn’t walk for weeks without limping—Rich Guy kicked him in the balls. You should never have crashed at Damien’s place. You better be careful.”

  “I know.” Raven grimaced.

  “Why didn’t you come to me?” Elle asked. “I would have helped.”

  Shrugging, Raven said, “I didn’t want to burden you. You’re my friend, and I was sick.”

  Bitterly, Elle looked away. “But you’d run to Damien.”

  “I went with Damien. There’s a big difference. Besides, it turned out all right.”

  “Not by the looks of it,” Elle said, pointing to Raven’s cheek with her cigarette. “Catfight.”

  “Jax’s fiancée was tired of me living in her house, and let me know it. I got her back though.” Raven tried to sound proud, but she could still hear the snapping of Lucia’s wrist and it made her stomach churn.

  That, and hunger.

  How easy it was to get used to regular meals.

  Elle nodded in satisfaction and blew more smoke. “Good. Don’t need a rich bitch fucking with you. Got a plan?”

  Raven nudged the peeling blue linoleum with the toe of her boot. “I’m good for now, I guess. I’ve had decent meals. No booze. I should go to social services while I still look like something. I took a dress with me, for like, interviews and stuff.”

  “You’re gonna try this all by yourself?”

  Raven pursed her lips and fought back tears. Goddamn it, why did life have to be so hard? “I’d like . . . to . . . go home . . . one day.”

  “Z Avenue sure ain’t it,” Elle agreed.

  “No. Maybe some people don’t ever find a home.”

  Elle looked around her salon, met Raven’s eyes. “I can’t argue there. Come on, have a cup of coffee, then get some sleep. I have a full client list for the next couple of days. It will be nice to have you around again to help.”

  Tired and irritated, Jax kicked the front door closed and dropped his briefcase onto the floor, not caring where it landed. He’d signed a new client, but even before the ink dried on the contract, they wanted results yesterday. It had taken many hours, and many lowballs of scotch, for them to understand results wouldn’t happen overnight, but he’d have his team focused on the project first thing in the morning. It was the best he could do, even with the amount of money they were willing to pay.

  There wasn’t a sound throughout the house as he hung up his winter overcoat, and he found Lucia lying in bed, a cast on her wrist, watching TV.

  “What happened to you?” he asked, undoing his tie. Just once he’d like to feel welcome in his own home. But the overwhelming sense of foreboding never went away. He’d told himself time and again it was how he felt inside, not what went on in his house.

  But that wasn’t entirely true.

  “I went out wearing new shoes, and I tripped and fell down the stairs,” Lucia pouted, her eyes filling with tears.

  Jax frowned and pulled off his suit jacket. “Why didn’t you call me? Are you all right?”

  She sniffed. “I didn’t want to bother you. It didn’t take long, and Justin drove me home again.”

  Assessing her, he said, “He should have said something. You don’t need to do things like that alone.”

  “You were
at work.”

  “I’m sorry I’m later than usual. I signed on a high-maintenance client tonight. It will take a lot of work to keep them happy, but they’re willing to pay for it, so that’s all that matters.”

  Lucia patted her side of the bed. “Come here and tell me more about it.”

  Hanging his jacket in the walk-in closet, Jax narrowed his eyes. Something wasn’t right. Lucia never voluntarily spent time with him. It wasn’t a secret she was marrying him for social status and the perks of being Mrs. Brooks. Offering affection of any sort when they weren’t in public wasn’t the norm. It usually meant she wanted something. Something expensive. She probably had her eye on a new fur coat, or a trip to Paris. Something she needed his permission to have.

  He stepped into the bedroom and undid his cuff links. After storing them in a drawer in his dresser, Jax perched on the side of the bed. If she was willing to meet him halfway, then he would try, as well. If he stood half a chance of having the kind of marriage his parents enjoyed, then he would need to put in the work. “Are you hurting?”

  Lucia shook her head. “No. The doctor gave me a prescription for pain pills.”

  Which you were happy to fill, Jax thought. But he didn’t say anything. “Okay, well, it’s late. Let me check on Raven first, then we should get some sleep.” He wanted to ask how her tutoring had gone today, what she’d helped Mariah make for dinner, but Lucia, pliant for the first time in a long time, enticed Jax to stay where he was.

  Pushing herself into his lap, Lucia said, “I have something better we can do first.” She pressed her lips to his.

  Jax, tired of the no sex mandate she’d imposed on them since Raven moved in, let her push him onto the bed.

  It wasn’t unusual for Jax to be up and out of the house before the sun even brightened the sky, and the next day was no exception. Jax spent the entire day with the new client project, Erik hanging over his shoulder trying to help.