All of Nothing

by Vania Rheault

  The question turned into a moan as he slid one of his fingers into her.

  As he played, he kissed her lips, her neck, her breasts, and she did the same for him, her lips turning scarlet from the friction of his whiskers against her sensitive skin.

  He’d never known such fun, romantic foreplay, and by the time she was panting, begging for release, he too, felt like he could explode at any moment.

  “Now, Jax, please,” she choked, and he complied, pushing into her, so gently, so easily, as she was ready for him.

  It took all his self-control not to blow the moment he was fully encased inside her.

  He cuddled into her, his breath on her neck, his lips at her ear. “Is this what you wanted? Is this what you like?”

  She met his eyes. “Isn’t this better?” she whispered, her thumb tracing his bottom lip. “Do you feel it?”

  Jax began to move. Burying his face into the warmth of her neck, he knew exactly what she was talking about. How her legs cradled his hips, how her fingers twisted in his hair. How her breath tickled his ear, how her mumbled words of encouragement and pleasure cocooned him in a haze of safety and passion.

  If he’d had his way, he would have fucked her, sent her to her room, and showered by now. Sat in front of the fire, alone, for the rest of the night, with only a glass of scotch for company.

  When he came, it was almost painful, the quaking so strong he cried into a pillow so no one would hear.

  As he shuddered, Raven pushed her hand between their sweat-slicked bodies, and as he released the last of himself into her, she made herself come, her muscles convulsing around him.

  He collapsed on top of her, breathless.

  “I’m sorry,” he huffed, straining from the effort not to crush her. “I’m not used to, well . . . I should have made you come first.”

  “I can take care of myself,” Raven said, laughing as she nipped at his neck. “But maybe next time?”

  Next time. “Yes, I can do that.”

  He dozed next to her, their limbs entwined, and at three in the morning, he woke to use the bathroom. Gently, he removed himself from the bed, but despite his efforts not to jostle her, when he came out, Raven lay awake, lying on her side, hugging a pillow.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you. Are you thirsty? There’s bottled water in the bar.”

  “No, I’m okay, thanks.”

  Jax slipped between the sheets and kissed her forehead. The fire still burned, the flames flickering across her face, and the sad look in her eyes made him worry. “Are you okay? Are you sore?”

  “No, I’m not sore. Not yet, anyway.” Raven sat up, covered her breasts with a sheet. “Jax, I just—there’s nothing going on between Erik and me.”

  “It isn’t any of my business,” he said, angry she brought up his brother while they were lying in bed after just making—having sex.

  “Yes, it is. It is if we’re sleeping together. And that’s not all of it, either. Will you look at me?”

  God, she looked like a siren, bee-stung lips and mussed hair.

  “Jax, Erik is gay. There will never be anything between us but friendship.”

  Jax clutched the comforter in his hand. “Erik is what?”

  “Gay. Erik likes men?”

  “Raven, I don’t know—”

  “He told me at the ball. He said it wasn’t a secret, so I’m not outing him by telling you. He’s even seeing someone . . . when he’s not keeping track of you.”

  “I’ve never asked him to do that,” Jax said, defensive. While he hadn’t asked, he’d needed Erik by his side all these years.

  “But he has. It’s not the point, anyway. Why didn’t you know?”

  Jax wanted a drink, but he didn’t want to get out of bed and risk Raven taking that as a cue to leave. He wanted to spend the rest of the night with her. He wanted to wake up with her, nuzzle her breasts, have her open for him as the sun came up.

  Groaning, he backed against the headboard. Why hadn’t he known about his brother’s sexual preference? He could say because he didn’t care. He would love Erik if he were attracted to rabbits. No, it was because . . . “Ever since the accident, I’ve been wrapped up in my own life. My own grief. I never gave a thought to anyone else. Including the women I tried to marry.”

  “You owe him an apology.”

  Jax flicked a piece of hair behind her ear, taken with how much she cared about other people.

  “I’ll talk to him tomorrow. You’re right. I should have known.”

  Raven bit her lip and tucked herself into his side.

  It unsettled him how she fit like she belonged, like she’d been doing it for years. Like they often woke in the middle of the night to talk.

  “What else, Raven?” he asked, a sense of foreboding slithering down his back.

  “I’d like to see Elle, if that’s okay?”

  Jax’s heart calmed. “Of course it is. You’re not a prisoner here.” He forced cheer into his voice. “In fact, it’s the other way around—you’re forcing yourself onto me, remember?”

  Which brought about its own set of problems. Problems he definitely wouldn’t think about right now. “Would you like a car? Do you have your driver’s license?”

  Raven shook her head, her hair brushing his chest.

  “Then I’ll have Justin take you.”

  Raven ran a hand down his stomach. “I can take the bus, I just need a ride into the city. I don’t want Justin to wait for me on Z Avenue. It’s not safe.”

  Jax understood. He’d had to tamp down his own guilt making Justin wait in front of that dilapidated building the night he’d looked for Raven. “But you need a way back, sweetheart.”

  She sat up, looked at him with pools of smoky whiskey. “Can I always come back, Jax?”

  Oh, God, Raven.

  “Yes, sweetheart. You can always come back.”

  That was when he fell. The next morning, after he analyzed and tore to pieces every second of that night, that’s when he knew.

  That was when he fell in love with Raven Grey.

  On Sunday morning, Jax did something he hadn’t done for many, many years. He visited his brother.

  Erik lived in the city, a loft apartment along the river.

  Justin let him out on the sidewalk, and Jax looked up the side of the gray stone building, the height dizzying.

  Jax had other motives for visiting Erik. Raven had also left his house that morning to spend the day on Z Avenue, and he didn’t want to be at home without her.

  They’d woken that morning how he wanted. Watching her as sleep let her go, her eyes blinking, at first confused, but then a smile on her lips as she remembered where she was. How she’d turned to him and lifted her head for a kiss.

  Jax had never felt more content, and he’d kept her in bed for as long as he could.

  But they couldn’t hide from life, and she’d been out of the house by ten. After Justin returned from dropping her off at the nearest bus stop, Jax had asked him to drive him to Erik’s.

  Jax tried not to worry overmuch about Raven spending the day on Z Avenue. She’d spent thirteen years of her life there, and she knew how to survive.

  Opening the door of Erik’s building, Jax admitted it wasn’t Raven he was worried about—it was Axel. He’d bristled when she brought up Axel’s name, the night before, in Jax’s bed no less, but he’d been called many things since the shooting, and hypocrite was not one of them. He’d held his tongue.

  Raven had kissed him so sweetly this morning before she left; Jax could only hope she meant the feelings behind the kiss and the look in her eyes as she said goodbye.

  The elevator creaked as it took him to the twentieth floor, and it took so long for the doors to open Jax was afraid he’d spend the day trapped in the box rather than apologizing to Erik.

  He shifted the container of bagels to one hand and knocked on his brother’s door with the other.

  Erik answered, opening it just a crack, and peered out, an unl
it cigarette dangling from his mouth. He’d quit smoking years ago, but never gave up having a smoke around.

  The affectation made the women crazy, the sexiness of it without the stink and bad breath, and it was a light blinking on in Jax’s brain why Erik never noticed.

  “Jax! Is everything all right?” Erik slid the chain from the lock and opened the door. “Is it Mom, or Dad?”

  With chagrin, Jax realized he should have called first. “Is my visit that out of character?”

  “In a word, yes. What’s this?”

  “Bagels. Your favorite, I think, from that deli on Cornell.”

  “Hey, thanks.”

  “Are you going to let me in?”

  “Sorry, sorry.”

  Jax stepped into Erik’s loft. Nothing much had changed, but the stark difference between Erik’s apartment and his own house was more evident than night and day. Erik’s walls were filled with pictures of their family, old friends. A coffee table full of magazines and books sat in front of a couch that looked comfortable, lived-in. Before they’d made love, he would have pictured Raven there, reading a book, sipping on a coffee, a throw covering her legs to ward off the chill, and it would have made him angry.

  But Raven did that in his house, in his library.

  He had to control his jealousy. She hadn’t acted the jealous tart last night, though she would have had the right.

  “Where’s your suit?”

  “I’m wearing a suit,” Jax said, following Erik into his kitchen.

  Jax had always liked Erik’s kitchen, and maybe, if, when, he sold his house, he’d buy a house with a kitchen more family-orientated.

  The white with blue accents was cheerful, and the smell of coffee emanated warmth. But not heat; warmth of a good life, a happy life.

  “No, your jacket is missing.”

  Raven’s teasing made Jax leave off the jacket that morning. Still dressed in slacks and a dress shirt, he felt on a lazy Sunday morning it would more than suffice.

  No tie, though.

  And he hadn’t shaved.

  He must look like a completely different person.

  Jax felt different.

  “I’m not going to work today.”

  “Oh?” Erik said, pouring coffee.

  “Raven and I have plans later.”

  Jax sat at the breakfast nook on a stool, pushing a vase of flowers out of his way.

  Flowers.

  Now there was something that hadn’t been in his house for a long time.

  Erik plated bagels, set out flavored cream cheese, and he slid a mug of coffee to Jax.

  “Thanks. You’re still not going to tell me where you buy your coffee?”

  Erik laughed. “No. It’s the one thing I have over you. I’ll never tell.”

  Jax sobered. “We’ve never been in a contest.”

  “No, we never have. We didn’t need a contest, Jax. You’ve always been the winner. Did you come to apologize to me about last night?” Erik leaned against the counter, his expression blank.

  “Actually, yes,” Jax said, and was happy to see the surprise that flitted across Erik’s face. Jax rarely apologized. It meant he was in the wrong somehow, and Jax never admitted he was wrong. “I . . . had no claim on Raven, and I was out of line.”

  Erik wasn’t stupid, and he tilted his head at the choice of words Jax used. “You had no claim on her, last night. But now you’re saying you do?”

  Jax took a sip of coffee to wet his mouth. “Yes. We . . . I . . . we made love last night. I mean, we made love. It wasn’t anything like what I’ve been doing with my ex-fiancées. She wouldn’t let me. I intended to. I didn’t want her to mean anything to me. But she . . . she went to Z Avenue to see some friends today.”

  “Ah,” Erik said, nodding. “She’ll come back, Jax. You two have an agreement. She’s an honorable woman, and she’ll fulfill her end of the bargain. You don’t have to worry; you’ll get your divorce.”

  Jax stared at Erik.

  “Right,” Erik said quickly. “You don’t want it now.”

  “No. No, I want to stay married . . . if she’ll have me. She said it was just an accident. She didn’t blame me, didn’t point a finger at me. If she can accept what I did, if she can sleep in the bed where I’ve only fucked other women and not gave a damn about any of them, if she can forgive me how I treated her when we met . . . It’s a lot to ask of her, Erik.”

  Erik poured more coffee into his mug. “Jax. That’s nothing. All those things . . . that’s nothing. You’re forgetting the most important part.”

  “I love her.”

  Erik nodded. “Then I’m happy for you. You’re a very lucky man. I know men say that to each other all the time, but Raven, she’s special. She’s the kind of strength you need. She’ll make you a good wife.”

  “Yeah. I think so, too.” He paused and rubbed tiredly at his face. “I’m sorry about not knowing.”

  “Not knowing what? Oh. Raven told you.”

  “She did. Last night, we fought about how I treated you at the ball. I’ve been so self-absorbed, I had no idea. Well, maybe I did, but I didn’t care about anything except you making sure I wouldn’t do anything stupid.”

  “You’re my brother, Jax, and something horrific happened. I won’t pretend to know what it’s like to have gone through that. Killing someone, accidentally—you hear about it, you know? Parents stepping away from a bathtub and their babies drowning, or hunters shooting their friends because they look like deer.” Erik rolled his eyes. “Drunk drivers killing people because they wouldn’t order an Uber. It’s all over, but that doesn’t mean I know how it feels. I wanted to be there for you.”

  “You’ve been there for me too much.”

  Erik opened his mouth to disagree, but Jax cut him off. “No. I’m not blaming you for giving me your time; I appreciate it, and needed it, more than you’ll ever know. But it’s time for me to stand on my own. You have a life to live, a man to date, I’ve been told, and you have a right to do that. You’ve never liked working at Titan, you’ve done it to keep an eye on me. So, not only did I come to apologize, but . . . you’re fired.”

  Erik gaped.

  “You’ll receive a fine severance package, of course,” Jax said, slipping off his stool to pour more coffee.

  “I don’t know what to say.”

  “Say you’ll take your man on vacation. Say you’ll find a job you like going to. Say you won’t be a stranger.” A curious burn started in Jax’s throat at that.

  “But Jax, Raven—”

  “She could never take your place, not as a brother and not as a friend. I won’t turn her into my keeper, either. We need to spend time together, get to know each other, if I want a relationship with her. But as we do that, I need to learn to stand on my own. I need to face the accident head on.”

  “How will you do that?”

  “I’m finally going to find out just whom I shot that night and make amends any way I can.”

  It was a bit presumptuous to throw away sixteen years of hiding because he’d spent one night with Raven. In fact, he had no idea what she felt for him, and he could only hope as she continued her education while she lived with him, her feelings for him would grow.

  And when he asked her if they could stay married, she would say yes.

  It was a long shot. She wasn’t trying to change just for herself. Raven had family she would want to spend time with. She would need to get to know them all over again, as people, and as parents. Kind of like him and Erik. When they spent time together now, it would be as friends.

  Jax looked forward to that.

  He hadn’t planned to fire Erik, the words had just slipped out. But the shocked and stunned look on Erik’s face made it worth it.

  He’d need to fill the position, and he knew just the person.

  Of course, that would be a risk and commitment in and of itself, but he wouldn’t make a decision like that purely to make Raven happy—that was just a bonus.

  Jax as
ked Justin to drive to a jewelry store he favored when he needed to buy a gift. He’d never bought an engagement ring before—Gwen and Lucia had picked out their own. But he would for Raven. Something small, tasteful.

  Elegant and classy.

  Like she was.

  Jax had them bring out the tray of rings from the back. Anything store-front wasn’t good enough for Raven. He knew it the moment he saw it.

  Set in rose gold, two heart-shaped diamonds butted against each other. Small, but possessing some weight, it was perfect.

  It didn’t take long for him to walk out of the store with the black velvet box nestled deep into his pants pocket.

  Part of healing after what he’d done was learning to be alone, learning to be comfortable in his own skin, and Jax forced himself to go home despite the chance Raven having not returned from Z Avenue.

  He wished he’d thought to purchase her a phone, but she seldom left his house, and when she did, it was with him. The inability to contact her made him pace the library, and Mariah poked her head into the room, concern wrinkling her forehead.

  Jax waved her away.

  He wouldn’t stoop so low as to call Justin. She would have told him what time she wanted a ride from the bus stop.

  He’d always been the one in control, and he would learn to give it up. Once in a while, at least.

  To pass the time, he logged into his work email. He’d have more to do now until he replaced Erik. Knowing his brother—and Jax liked to think that even though the last sixteen years had been centered on him, he knew Erik—his brother would still come in to work for the next little while.

  The sky was growing dark when Jax looked up from his computer, and he frowned at the time. He thought for certain Raven would be back by now, and just when he was going to cave in and call Justin after all, Raven shuffled into the room, her cheeks pink from the cold air.

  This feeling of uncertainty was new for him, and Jax willed his heart to stop pounding. But God, she looked beautiful, her hair spilling out of her winter hat, her eyes twinkling from the events of the day, her skin clear and bright. A smile on her lips.

  “You had a good day?” he asked, not rising from his desk. Rushing to her, crushing her against him, reeked of desperation.