All of Nothing

by Vania Rheault

  Jax had been so gentle with her the night they’d made love in front of the fire. Afterward, he’d wrapped her in a throw and they’d sat, drinking wine and talking until neither could keep their eyes open.

  After that night, if someone would have asked her if she thought Jaxon Brooks loved her, she would have said yes. But she’d woken early the next morning, the dark winter sky only thinking about succumbing to the sun, having to go to the bathroom. After relieving her bladder, she stood at the window trying to see if a blizzard the weather channel predicted had come through. The storm hadn’t—the moon shone on the same amount of snow in Jax’s yard as the day before. As she turned, her hand still holding the curtains aside, she caught sight of papers on his desk.

  They weren’t special. Not colored. Not decorated in any way. But they looked official. They looked familiar.

  Raven had held them to the window, reading by moonlight.

  Romantic, some would say. If it were a love letter.

  But the papers weren’t declarations of love. Quite the opposite.

  They were divorce papers.

  Signed by him.

  Waiting for her.

  She would have signed them right then and there and disappeared like a thief in the night.

  But she couldn’t forget her time at Jax’s would be her only chance to better herself.

  They had a bargain.

  She couldn’t squander it.

  Too much depended on getting her life together.

  Her parents.

  Elle.

  Even Levi’s memory. He wouldn’t want her to keep living on the streets.

  “Raven?” Dr. Wheland prompted.

  “No. I think . . . I think he may regret how he treated me. I think . . . he might see me as a friend, or even a lover. But,” she drew in a breath, “he doesn’t see me as a wife. I appreciate the help he’s given me, even if I had to bribe him for it, but when the three months are over, he’ll let me go. He’ll want me to go.”

  “Sometimes people move into our lives for just the briefest moment, and then they move on. But there’s always a reason for them to come, and there’s always a reason for them to go.”

  “Yes. Jax will fulfill his promise, and I’ll walk away with a new start. In return, I like to hope I’ve been showing him that even though he made a mistake, he’s still worthy of love.”

  “As do you.”

  “As do I.” Raven stood and wiped her damp palms on her dress. She forced a smile and held out a hand.

  “Thank you, Dr. Wheland. I’ll see you soon.”

  Jax looked for Raven in his suite first, which was stupid of him, he admitted, when he came upon his empty room.

  Though they’d grown closer as the days went by, there seemed to be a wall Raven would not let him breech. They still made love, and whenever he asked, she still slept in his bed. He and Raven invited Erik to dinner, and they’d met the man Erik was seeing. It had been a satisfying evening all around, and Jax had fallen asleep with Raven in his arms, a glimpse of how his future could be if Raven were his wife flitting behind his eyelids as he willed himself to sleep.

  But no matter how happy he seemed to make her, no matter how hard she laughed, there was something he couldn’t move past, and her ring stayed in his pocket.

  Jax pushed her door open and leaned against the jamb, watching her sleep. Mariah said Raven had practically collapsed in exhaustion at the stove while stirring gravy, and the cook shoved Raven upstairs to nap.

  He supposed he should let her get some actual sleep at night, but lying with her body so warm next to his—it’d be like a starving man turning down a steak dinner if he didn’t take what she offered.

  It was different . . . having sex with someone he loved.

  Tonight, he’d wanted to take a walk—the temperatures warming for the first time that winter, and he turned away, disappointed.

  “Hey, you’re home.”

  “Hey, yourself, sleepyhead,” he said, stepping into her darkened room. “Are you feeling okay?”

  Raven smiled and held out a hand. “Yes. I . . . I had another good session with Dr. Wheland this morning. I guess it wiped me out more than I thought. And, my tutors are saying I’m close to taking the GED. They gave me a practice test and the answer key to get me started.”

  Jax sat on the edge of her bed, pleasure and pain mixing in his heart. He was happy for her that she was moving forward, that she was finally grabbing hold of the life she wanted and deserved. But when she finished her studies, when she felt she had a firmer grasp on her mental health, she would leave. She could talk to a counselor anywhere, she could get a full-time job and rent an apartment with Elle, go to school part-time in the evenings. People did it every day. It would be a struggle, but Raven could handle it. This woman lying on her bed, holding his hand, grit and determination in her eyes—she could do it. Jax had no doubt.

  “That’s excellent news,” he forced out. “Have you been out today?”

  Raven shook her head, her hair scratching against the pillow.

  “It’s warmer than it has been in weeks. Would you like to take a walk?”

  “That sounds wonderful. Meet you downstairs?”

  Jax kissed the tip of her nose. “I’ll give you ten minutes.”

  He wanted to ask about her session but thought it better to wait. They would have plenty of time to talk while he showed her the land he’d purchased with the house.

  Less than ten minutes later, she bounded down the stairs. “I’m ready.”

  “Are you hungry?” he asked, concerned. She looked happy, but a current ran between them, setting his nerves on edge.

  “Maybe after?”

  “Yes, of course.”

  Beyond his garage lay acres and acres of wooded area, and they walked side by side, the deep snow crunching under their boots. Stars twinkled in a rich black sky, and a brilliant moon lit their way. The slight breeze felt almost . . . warm against his cheeks.

  He scrambled for something to say, then relaxed. Raven didn’t need idle chatter. Taking a deep breath of country air, Jax enjoyed the comfortable silence.

  In a few moments they’d enter the . . . well, it wasn’t exactly a forest, but the trees were thick, and his property contained a creek that didn’t freeze over in the winter, no matter how low the temperatures dropped.

  “What made you become a cop?” Raven asked as they walked toward the tree line.

  Jax forced a laugh. “I can’t leave you alone with my mother anymore.” He rarely talked about his time on the force, and though he was reluctant to start now, whenever Raven asked him for something, he would do anything within his power to give it to her.

  Raven rubbed the side of her body against his. “Are you afraid she’s going to reveal some horrible secret?”

  “Between my mother and Erik, you’ve already heard my worst. But I don’t need her showing you any of my baby photos.”

  Raven wrinkled her nose at him.

  “I think I was in love with the idea of being a detective, you know? I wanted to work my way up, be a plain clothes detective, catching killers. After a hard day’s work, sit in a bar and drink whiskey sours while I tell my lady woes to a sympathetic bartender.”

  “Wow, someone was reading too many detective novels.”

  “You’re not kidding,” Jax said, stepping over a large branch partially covered with snow. He took her hand, helped her over it. “And they left out what a pain in the ass it is to wear blue.”

  “I guess it’s like the medical field. Some people are cut out for it, and some people aren’t.”

  “What would you like to do, Raven? Anything come to mind?” he asked, taking the opportunity to steer Raven away from his days as a uniform. He wouldn’t be able to avoid telling her the details of the shooting. Just like, at some point, he’d like to hear the full story of how Raven’s brother died. He didn’t even know his name.

  They came to the creek where two deer were having a drink. Thin from the meag
er provisions over the winter, they startled when Jax and Raven approached and ran off into the woods.

  Raven heaved a sigh. She brushed snow off a rock and sat, stretching her legs, her boots buried in the drifts.

  She looked adorable in her black hat and black jacket, her hands protected by bright red mittens.

  “Not really. I’m enjoying the tutoring, all the subjects, but what will make money? What can I do to earn a good wage? Elle went to beauty school and started making money right from the start. I have no interest in cosmetology. I don’t want to be a dental hygienist poking around in people’s mouths all day. Teaching English, that still sounds okay, but I need a job that will make money fast. I don’t have time for four or five years of school.”

  “Because of Elle?” Jax asked, stepping to the creek’s bank, crunching debris under his boots.

  “A little. I mean, my parents may be willing to let me live with them, but I don’t want to depend on them for a place to stay. The goal was to visit them with my looks improved, yes, but also a roof over my head, a good job, and future plans in place. My GED will be a good start. It will prove I’m serious, but it won’t be enough.”

  Jax’s mouth dried, and his skin prickled. Now or never. It would be now or never.

  All she could do was say no. All she could do was break his heart, and that wouldn’t be any worse than what he’d experienced before.

  He’d lived through it.

  Summoning his courage—he could use that whiskey sour now—he turned to her. “Raven.”

  “What I need is my own place, somewhere I can afford. Then Elle, I doubt she’d be able to sell her shop on Z Avenue, but at least she’d—”

  “Raven.”

  “—have options.”

  “Raven,” Jax said, standing in front of her.

  She looked up at him. “I’m sorry. What?”

  He swallowed.

  “Stay with me.”

  “I am staying with you. You gave me three months, and that’s fine. My tutors assure me I’m doing great and—”

  “I mean, stay with me. Forever.” He dropped to his knees. “Raven, I . . . Because of the accident I’ve felt like I didn’t have the right to move on. I took someone’s life, and I didn’t let myself find happiness. I worked seventy- to eighty-hour weeks, and I forced myself into relationships that made me miserable. But, I’ve done enough jail time, so to speak, for something that . . . I can’t say it wasn’t my fault, because it was, but like Erik says, accidents are just that. Accidents. And the way I treated you, in the church, I mean. The way I acted when I brought you back, after looking for you at Damien’s. I wasn’t . . . kind. So, I have no right to say any of this, but, I love you. The first night we slept together—when you showed me what making love to someone could be like, that night I knew.”

  The snow made his knees numb, but he didn’t care. The sparkle in Raven’s dark eyes captured him, the tremble of her lips urged him on.

  “Marry me, Raven Grey. Be my wife, and I’ll help you pick up the pieces. We’ll get your education sorted out, we’ll help Elle. I was thinking Axel may make a good replacement for Erik, if he wants to give it a try.”

  Raven covered her mouth with her hand.

  “You’ve shown me what love is, Raven. Let me give you a home.”

  “But—but we’re already married,” Raven stuttered. It was all she could think of to say.

  “Then let’s stay that way.” Jax pulled a black box from his pocket and opened the lid.

  Even in the moonlight that wavered through the evergreens, the rose gold sparkled, the diamonds twinkled.

  “But you still have the divorce papers.” She waited for the anger to come—she’d been snooping through his things. But he only blew out a deep breath, a sigh that sounded full of regret.

  “I kept them in case you wanted out of our marriage. Whenever you spoke of your parents, it never sounded like you’d still want me in your life. But it doesn’t have to be that way. I’ll give you all the space you need. I just . . . when the three months are up, you don’t have to leave. I’m asking that you don’t.”

  His hazel eyes were full of hope, and an expectant smile twitched on his lips.

  He was serious.

  His proposal was everything she thought she wanted, everything she thought she’d never hear.

  Jaxon Brooks telling her he loved her. Loved her, despite her past, despite her time on the streets.

  One day she’d tell him everything she’d told Dr. Wheland about the night her brother was shot, and her role in it.

  Jax knew what it meant to make a mistake.

  Knew what it was like to live with the guilt.

  They’d both been alone, but now they didn’t have to be.

  She flung herself into his arms, pushed aside a glimmer of doubt that was so quick through her heart she wasn’t even sure if that’s what it had been.

  She didn’t need his house to feel like she’d come home, the house other women had lived in before her, answering the same question she was about to answer.

  Raven found her home the second he wrapped his arms around her.

  “Yes,” she whispered in his ear. “Yes.”

  “When was the last time you visited your brother’s grave?”

  The question made Raven quake inside, and she put a hand to her heart, though it didn’t do any good to lessen the erratic thumping that started beneath her ribs.

  “Raven?” Dr. Wheland asked, pushing his gold wire-rimmed glasses up his nose.

  “It’s difficult for me to visit him.”

  “Difficult as in, difficult for you to find transportation?”

  “You know that’s not what I’m talking about,” she snapped, annoyed. This wasn’t the time to be glib.

  Her tone didn’t render a reaction, he only sat back and regarded her with steady eyes. “You don’t feel you owe it to yourself to . . . apologize to Levi?”

  Raven parted her lips, but no sound came out.

  “Apologize,” Dr. Wheland repeated. “Apologize to your brother for being late.” He tapped his pen against his palm. “Raven, when you do something to someone, like you claim it’s your fault Levi was in the park because you were running late, you apologize. It would help you to move forward if you told your brother you’re sorry. It’s what you want to do. It’s what you need to do.”

  “I haven’t been to the cemetery since his funeral.”

  “That’s a long time to go without paying respects to a loved one.”

  It was said softly, evenly, without a hint of reproach, and Raven took the comment for what it was. An observation.

  “What would I say?”

  “That you’re sorry you were running late. That’s it. That’s all you have to say.”

  Raven rubbed her hands over her eyes.

  Dr. Wheland put aside his notebook and pen and scooted to the edge of the loveseat’s cushion. “Raven, I’m going to overstep my boundaries, just this once. We’re trained, you know, to help people come to their own conclusions. It’s why therapy can take such an ever-living long time.” He smiled. “People can’t see what’s right in front of their faces. They circle around, circle around, and it takes a tremendous amount of patience and willpower for us not to just blurt out what should be quite clear. Do you understand?”

  Raven nodded.

  “I’m going to tell you this because it seems no one else has: Your brother’s death wasn’t your fault. Your running late may have put Levi in the wrong place at the wrong time, but it wasn’t your fault.”

  With a shaking hand, Raven picked up her coffee and took a long sip. Bless Mariah for making sure they had fresh coffee during these sessions.

  “I don’t know how you can say that. If I would have been home on time, Levi never would have left. My parents never would have asked him to look for me.”

  Dr. Wheland poked at his coffee mug. “There’s more at play here than you running late, Raven. Levi cut through the park. He didn’t need to
do that. Your parents asked him to bring you home. They didn’t need to do that, either; chances are good you would have been fine on your own. Maybe the trigger-happy cop needed more training before being let out onto the streets. Maybe Levi should have taken his car—because after all, walking home with you in the middle of the night . . . it could have been both of you in that situation, not just Levi. There are so many components to this whole god-awful mess. Yet you choose to blame only yourself. There’s no blame here Raven, because there’s no fault.”

  Raven buried her head in her hands as Dr. Wheland’s words tried to penetrate through her denial. She hadn’t ever thought of it that way. She’d never blamed her parents for asking Levi to fetch her home. She never thought for one second how silly Levi had been for not driving to pick her up.

  And she never once blamed the cop.

  Because cops face danger every second on the city streets, and she would never blame anyone who was trying to protect themselves. She, out of anyone, knew the cost of protecting herself on the street.

  “As a therapist, I should have been skilled enough, patient enough, to lead you to these conclusions on your own, but as things are, I don’t foresee we have the months, maybe even years, it would have taken for you to come to these realizations. I hope you understand why I decided to stick my foot in it.”

  Raven twisted her engagement ring. She hadn’t worn jewelry for years, and the weight on her finger felt foreign to her. “I appreciate that you did. You’ve given me a lot to think about.”

  Dr. Wheland discreetly took his phone from his pocket to check the time. “We still have close to an hour, Raven. Let’s talk about something . . . a little more pleasant. I hear you’re engaged to Jax.”

  “I . . . yes.”

  With shrewd eyes pinned on her, Dr. Wheland said, “You don’t seem happy about it.”

  “I am. I am happy. But . . . look at this house, Dr. Wheland. Do I look like I fit in here? I’ve been to social gatherings. I know how those people act. I’ve gone shopping with Mrs. Brooks. I know the kinds of stores she likes, the money it takes to shop at them. I know the expectations. I know. Our engagement will be in the papers. There will be parties. Never mind what people will say about Jax and his ex-fiancées.”