All of Nothing

by Vania Rheault

  Spring had melted all the snow, and the homeless came out of their winter hiding places.

  Raven recognized many of them as she walked along the cracked and littered sidewalk.

  No one recognized her.

  She found Elle in her back room, shoving shampoo bottles into a shipping box.

  “Elle,” Raven said.

  “Oh my God, Raven,” Elle gasped, plopping onto her butt. “I never thought I’d see you again. I thought either Damien really got you this time, or you ran off with that rich guy.”

  Raven sat on the cot she used to crash on. “Neither, actually. Jax rescued me from Damien; didn’t Axel tell you? But . . . Jax decided he’d had enough.”

  Raven’s face crumpled. If there was one person she could show her true feelings to, it was Elle.

  “Oh, hon.”

  Raven waved a hand to ward off any sympathy. She didn’t need it.

  “No, it’s okay. He helped me, and I’ll always be grateful. I’ve been at home, Elle. My parents were afraid coming back would tempt me to stay, but I’m ready to move on. I just . . . Elle. Come with me. There’s nothing here.”

  Elle taped the box closed. She rested her elbows on top of the cardboard and rubbed her eyes. “You’re right. There isn’t. That’s why I’m packing up. My sister-in-law in Ohio just had twin girls, and she needs help. Said she misses her brother, and since she considers me family . . . She told me if I quit smoking she’ll put a roof over my head and help me find work at a salon in town while I help take care of the babies.”

  “Oh, Elle! I’m happy for you. Do you need anything?”

  A peace Raven hadn’t seen before settled over Elle’s features. “No. She paid for a plane ticket. Can you believe it? I’ve never flown before. A damn plane. I told her I’d be happy on the bus, but she said the sooner the better. Her husband works all the time, and she’s exhausted. Imagine me, a nanny.”

  “You’ll be an amazing aunt,” Raven said. “What about this place?”

  “I got a buyer for it. Luck was shining on me, that’s for sure. Some hot shot developer is gonna try to fix up the block. I hope it works.”

  “When are you leaving?”

  “You had perfect timing. I’m leaving tomorrow. Sending my stock UPS. I could leave it, but this place may not be a salon anymore. Wouldn’t be surprised if they razed the entire avenue. Good riddance.”

  Raven knelt on the floor next to the woman who had offered her shelter and a place to lay her head without ever asking for anything in return other than friendship. “I’ll never forget how you helped me.”

  Elle wiped a tear from Raven’s cheek. “We helped each other. Don’t you go crying now.” Elle sniffed. “This is all good news. Did you hear about Axel?”

  “Not a word.” Raven took Elle’s hand.

  “You should have seen him at Club Nova—”

  “Wait. You were at Club Nova?” Raven asked, her jaw dropping.

  “Yeah. I left my shop and everything.” Elle laughed.

  Another surprise for Raven. She hadn’t heard Elle laugh in a long time.

  “Go on,” Raven urged.

  “I was standing on the sidewalk, talking to Axel, when this long-assed fancy car pulls up and this hoity-toity driver was all, ‘Axel Caldwell?’ And good old Axel didn’t even miss a beat. Acted like he’d ordered the car and everything. Your guy—”

  “No—” Raven objected.

  “Okay, not your guy, but the guy who looked for you here, hired Axel to work for him. Sent his driver to pick him up. That was a couple of days ago.”

  “I’m happy for him,” Raven said, meaning every word.

  “You didn’t know?”

  “No. Jax and I parted ways a while ago. He gave me an allowance and keys to a downtown apartment. I came by to ask you to move in with me there. But if you’re really leaving, I’ll stay with my parents. I don’t want to take anything more from him.”

  Elle ran a hand through Raven’s hair. “You’re so pretty, all done up. But I miss your streaks. Your parents—they forgave you?”

  “For living on the streets? Yeah. They didn’t want me to come back here, but I’m glad I’m able to say goodbye.”

  Raven buried her face in the crook of Elle’s neck, breathing in the cheap perfume and permanent solution.

  No cigarette smoke though.

  Some things did change.

  And for the better.

  “I’ll miss you,” Raven murmured.

  “Don’t be like that. I’ll keep my phone on me; you have the number, right? And get online. Do Facebook or something. Keep in touch.”

  “I promise.”

  Raven stepped into the sun, her heart light.

  Elle wasn’t staying on Z Avenue, and Raven thanked God for that.

  Jax kept his promise and hired Axel on. Axel was smart, and he would work hard. She hoped he didn’t ruin the chance. Especially when he found out she wasn’t with Jax anymore—in any capacity.

  On her way to the bus stop, she paused to press a ten-dollar bill into an old man’s hand who was squatting in the shade of an overhang. The store had been abandoned, and the empty window matched the look in the old man’s eyes.

  She couldn’t fix the world, but she would do what she could for herself and her family.

  That meant finally visiting Levi’s grave.

  It was a good day for it.

  The cemetery didn’t match her memories from Levi’s funeral, and she had to ask a groundskeeper where her brother was buried.

  He sniffed in disapproval, and Raven couldn’t blame him. What kind of sister was she, she hadn’t taken the time to lay flowers on the grave of a family member?

  It shamed her more because in all the years Raven had been gone, her parents hadn’t missed a Sunday.

  Levi meant more to her than this, and she needed to start showing it.

  As the groundskeeper called the cemetery offices, Raven adjusted the bouquet of flowers she’d purchased at a small corner grocery store near the bus stop. The light breeze blew hair into her face, and she brushed it aside as the old man tucked his cell phone into the back pocket of his olive work pants.

  “Levi Grey’s burial plot is over the hill close to the tree line. There will be two empty plots near him. Rozalyn and Phillip Grey reserved their sites there. Are they your parents?”

  “Yes. My brother passed away some time ago. I’ve been . . . out of town, and was turned around. Thank you for the directions.”

  “I can give you a ride,” he offered, jerking his thumb toward a utility cart.

  Raven dismissed the cart filled with landscaping tools and an enormous water tank. “No, thank you. I’d prefer to walk. Thanks again and have a nice day.”

  Her heels sank into the soft soil, and she took them off, walking barefoot across the grass.

  As she approached Levi’s resting place, Raven’s stomach began to churn, and the night of the shooting came back to her.

  The quiet evening. The stars. The gunshot and clatter of metal on stone when the cop dropped his weapon.

  She’d never gone into the park after that night, even though it was close to her parents’ house.

  But if she wanted to heal to . . . not necessarily put the past behind her, but confront what happened so she could finally live in peace, she needed to face her fears.

  She had a lot to look forward to, and she couldn’t let the horrific memory keep her from living her life anymore.

  Raven topped the hill.

  Her parents had chosen a grave marker with a large guardian angel atop it. She kept watch over Levi, so nothing could hurt him, ever again.

  Raven sat for a long time on the lush grass, resting her hand on the smooth granite warmed by the sun. She told Levi stories about her time on the street, about Elle and Axel. She apologized for what she put their mom and dad through, and she promised to do better, live better.

  “I love you, Levi. Thank you. Thank you for coming for me, for being such a wonderful bi
g brother.” Tears gushed from her eyes, and her throat scratched raw. She forced out the words, because they were what she needed to say, what she needed to finish with, or this visit would have been for nothing. “I’m sorry I was late. I’m so sorry.” Raven used the angel for solace and support as she released almost seventeen years of pain and misery. Her tears landed on the bright green grass and an assortment of flowers her mother had planted into the ground.

  Crows squawked in commiseration.

  Raven cried like she’d never let herself cry before, finally grieving without guilt. It wasn’t her fault Levi was dead. It wasn’t her fault, but she’d more than paid the price.

  She dried her eyes with the light blue skirt of her summer dress.

  Taking one last moment to compose herself, she skimmed her fingers over the clear cellophane of the bouquet. It crinkled under her touch.

  This would be a new starting point for her.

  Jax had helped her begin, but she needed to finish on her own.

  Her relationship with Jax brought a different kind of pain to her heart. She hadn’t been enough for him. His wounds ran too deep. For that, she’d always be sorry.

  She grabbed her shoes and stood, offering a prayer of thanks she could still draw in a breath, that she could still enjoy the sight of butterflies playing tag under a crisp, blue sky.

  Raven could have killed herself with grief and guilt.

  Jax had, shutting himself off from the world . . . from love.

  A living thing couldn’t live without love.

  She hoped the cop who shot Levi found some kind of peace. It wouldn’t be easy taking a life, even in self-defense.

  So much tragedy.

  But hers would stop today.

  Raven took her time as she wandered to the bus stop, weaving between gravestones and markers, her heart breaking when she would happen upon a child or an infant, the time between dates impossibly short.

  She stopped by a tree near the bottom of the hill to slip her shoes onto her feet.

  With a brief glance toward Levi’s grave, just to whisper another goodbye and a promise of return, Raven frowned. A man caught her eye, standing at her brother’s grave, a bunch of flowers dangling from his hand.

  It wasn’t the man’s presence that made her heart pound; it wasn’t that he was laying his flowers near hers. It was his identity that made her vision swim as if she couldn’t quite trust what she was seeing.

  For the man wasn’t a friend of Levi’s, though he very well could have been. The man wearing a navy suit, with the jacket in place though the spring temperature neared seventy degrees, wasn’t a co-worker of Levi’s paying his respects.

  No. The stiff posture, the unforgiving line of the man’s spine, could only belong to Jaxon Brooks.

  The sight of him made her body tremble, and she leaned against the tree, shielding herself, fearful he’d see her if he turned her way. She closed her eyes against the deluge of memories as they threatened to drown her. His hands on her skin, the look in his eyes as he made love to her . . . She’d been so proud of herself she’d been able to take the hard look from his eyes.

  Raven gritted her teeth. She couldn’t take her eyes off him as he knelt, his head bowed. It had all been some game to him. He’d never meant to build a life with her. It had never been his intention.

  How dare he, how dare he feel he had the right to pay respects to a man he’d never met after treating his sister like garbage to be put out onto the curb?

  How did Jax know who her brother was? She hadn’t said anything, though the information was public, and Jax had enough resources to find out anything he wanted to know.

  Surely, he couldn’t be visiting Levi for her? Jax made sure all ties between them were broken.

  Why would he care?

  Raven sank to the base of the tree.

  Grace said he’d shot someone in the line of duty.

  Erik said Jax thought he saw something, but he hadn’t.

  Raven pressed her cheek against the tree, the bark cutting into her skin.

  Levi had reached into his jacket pocket, or tried to. He had kept his cigarettes there.

  Jax thought he’d seen something.

  He thought Levi was reaching for a weapon.

  She shoved the side of her fist into her mouth and bit, hoping the pain would anchor her.

  Jax wasn’t visiting Levi for her.

  He was visiting Levi for himself.

  Raven squeezed her eyes shut.

  Now she knew—the cop who shot Levi hadn’t found peace. Far from it.

  And she couldn’t help him, either.

  Raven had shredded her heart trying.

  Staggering to her feet, Raven tried to gain composure. She couldn’t go home ruffled, or her mother would worry. As she sat in the dirty bus on her way to her parents’ house, Raven breathed in, breathed out. Knowing who shot Levi didn’t change anything.

  Knowing Jax lied didn’t change anything.

  Everything was over and done.

  It had been a cruel twist of fate Jax had come into her life, but as with everything in life, she had to take the good with the bad. She could curse his name for killing Levi, but on the other side of the same coin, he’d saved her life.

  By the time the bus let her off at her stop, Raven had calmed herself and pasted a smile on her face for her mother, determined not to let Jax hurt her anymore.

  Chapter 12

  Roz delighted in having her daughter back under her roof, and Raven thanked every god in the heavens her mother and father accepted her into their lives so easily. It helped Raven didn’t look like the vagrant she used to be. She couldn’t blame her mother for wanting to distance herself from the kind of life Raven used to live.

  She tried not to let it bother her how grateful her mother was she returned from visiting Z Avenue unscathed.

  Homelessness was a part of who she was, had shaped her into the compassionate woman she was today, at that moment, standing in her childhood foyer, accepting her mother’s invitation to a late lunch.

  “We have so much time to make up for,” Roz gushed, fluffing her hair in the hallway’s gold-framed mirror.

  “Yes, we do,” Raven agreed, pleased she could put some twinkle into her mother’s eyes.

  “You drive,” her mother said, tossing her the car keys. “You need your time behind the wheel.”

  “Sure. Where do you want to go?” she asked following her mother to the car.

  “Let’s go to Hawthorne Place. The hotel opened their dining room for lunch, and after, we can take a walk in their gardens. You’re so pretty, Raven. It will be a pleasure to show you off.”

  When the host asked them where they would like to be seated, her mother said, “Let’s dine al fresco. It’s beautiful outside.”

  They were shown to the garden and a table protected by a large umbrella.

  Raven scanned the menu. If she hadn’t gone out with Jax so many times, an outing like this so soon after leaving the streets would have made her nervous. Water-filled crystal goblets and three different kinds of forks were a far cry from pie in a run-down diner and dirty spoons with Dorothy for company.

  Her mother took it for granted Raven would fit in, and she thanked Jax under her breath. It’d seemed superficial and trite, but the man knew what he’d been doing.

  The picture he made kneeling on her brother’s grave dried her mouth, and she took a sip of the champagne her mother had ordered, declaring they were “celebrating” to the waiter, who stared with a bored look on his face, not caring what they were doing.

  “I’m going to have the salmon,” Roz said. “What do you think?”

  “That sounds good, Mom,” Raven said, setting her menu aside. She didn’t care what she ordered. Her stomach still twisted from seeing Jax.

  Roz looked up from her menu and gave Raven’s hand a squeeze. “I love hearing that. I’ve missed you very much. Did you have a good day?”

  “I said goodbye to Elle. She’s moving to
Ohio. I was happy to hear that.”

  “She was a good friend to you.” Her mother’s eyes shuttered. Roz didn’t want to talk about it, and that was fine. With Elle moving, and Axel situated at Titan, there wasn’t much use dwelling on the past.

  “Mom,” Raven said, changing the subject before her mother started talking about something else entirely, “Did you ever find out who shot Levi?”

  Roz frowned, but smiled immediately when a waiter appeared to refill their champagne flutes and take their orders. “I don’t know what you mean, dear. We knew it was a policeman.”

  “I know.” Raven ran a finger along the base of her flute. “But did you find out his name?”

  Roz shook her head as she looked over the garden. “No. The city was very hush-hush about the whole thing. It’s not like how it is today, everything splashed all over social media. They swept it under the rug, and paid us off so we wouldn’t ask questions.”

  “You never told me that.”

  “There wasn’t any point in saying anything, Raven, and you were beyond speaking to. You were inconsolable. When could we have told you? When would you have listened?”

  Raven’s cheeks heated. Her mother wasn’t accusing her of anything, just simply stating the truth. “I’m sorry.”

  “It was a long time ago, and there’s no point in knowing. What would we have done? I’m sure that young man . . . or woman . . . has dealt with enough. Killing someone by mistake,” Roz tsked. “What hell he must have went through. Do you ever get over something like that?”

  “What if I found out who shot Levi?”

  Roz glared. “Don’t even think about it. The information will do no good to anyone. Leave that poor person alone. I doubt anyone at the police station would tell you anyway, and that’s how it should be. Now, here’s the waiter with our meals.” Roz sighed. “We loved your brother, Raven, but he’s almost seventeen years gone. He’ll always be with us, but we can’t stop living. Now, can we speak of something more agreeable?”

  Raven spent the rest of the time with her mother discussing her mother’s friends, her new hobby—tennis—and a dance at the country club her mother wanted Raven to attend.