All of Nothing

by Vania Rheault

  “No, I think that covers it. Unless you’re pregnant?” He said it off the cuff because she was rail thin and most assuredly not pregnant. At least, not with his child.

  Lucia laughed and placed a hand on her concave belly. “No. I mean, we’re trying, but, no. Not yet. I just . . . well . . .” Lucia pulled her purse into her lap and withdrew a newspaper clipping no bigger than two inches across and three inches long. “I was paging through the paper—”

  Jax lifted an eyebrow. “Not your usual reading fare.”

  Lucia’s cheeks pinked. “I’m trying to care about more than the latest shoe sale. I want to get involved in the community.”

  “Good for you,” Jax said, uninterested. He didn’t care what Lucia had been doing since he’d kicked her out for hurting Raven.

  “Anyway, I saw this. I didn’t know you and Raven had broken up. I was sorry to hear it. I’d heard for years you were incapable of falling in love—I hoped you finally had.”

  Jax took the clipping from her.

  The photo was grainy, but there was no mistaking Raven on the arm of a man wearing a tux. She looked perfect dressed in a black low-cut dress, diamonds at her throat.

  He skimmed the article, something about a benefit for an animal shelter.

  Jax thrust the clipping into Lucia’s face, not wanting to see it a moment longer. “Did you want to gloat?”

  The weight he carried was suddenly too much.

  He’d lost Raven; he’d done so much damage to his relationship with his brother.

  Erik would never talk to him again.

  Mariah cried when he let her go, and his mother worried about him being alone in his huge house—she couldn’t leave him alone. Avoiding her made his guilt worse.

  Respect thrummed through him for Raven. No matter how bad things had gotten for her, she never gave up.

  Not like he had.

  “No,” Lucia said, bringing him back to the club. “I wanted to show you because, I mean, I don’t know why you two aren’t together anymore, but if you still love her . . . look at her again, Jax. Look. She might be with him, but she doesn’t love him. She’s turned away, and she should be smiling, but she’s not. If I had to guess, I would bet she doesn’t even like him all that much.”

  She held out the clipping once more, but Jax looked away. He didn’t need to see it again.

  Lucia dropped her hand. “Everyone knows what happened, why you treat people the way you do. You closed yourself off, and I tried to use that. And I’m sorry. But I didn’t deserve how you treated me, either. I finally learned that when I fell in love. When you love someone, you’re supposed to be a better person. You were, Jax. No, you were,” she insisted when he scowled. “You kicked me out to protect her. You loved her. You still do. I don’t care how many blondes you finger in the dark.”

  “Lucia—”

  “No, listen. Try one last time. Please.”

  “Lucy, there you are!”

  “Hi, Bradley. I was just finishing up with Jax.”

  “Brooks,” Bradley said, greeting Jax and shoving out his hand for a handshake. “Thanks for letting Lucia go and giving someone like me a chance.”

  “Bradley,” Lucia said, giggling as she swatted him on the arm.

  Jax shook the older man’s hand, amazed this was the man with whom Lucia had fallen in love. Balding, with a paunch besides, Bradley was far from the type of man a woman of Lucia’s ilk would look at, much less fall in love with. But Lucia’s smile was sincere, the look in her eyes too sparkly to fake.

  “Have a nice evening,” Jax said as Lucia stood and tucked herself into the crook of Bradley’s arm.

  “You do the same,” Lucia said over her shoulder. “Think about what I said.”

  Jax huffed at the unlikely pair. There was indeed someone for everyone.

  Glancing at his watch, he decided to call it a night.

  As he stepped away from his chair, the newspaper clipping caught his eye, half hidden under Lucia’s seat.

  Settling on his haunches, he picked up the small, crumpled piece of paper.

  Lucia was right. Raven didn’t appear to like the guy, her body language giving her away. The stiffness of her shoulders, the pull of her mouth.

  But one day, she would find someone she liked. Someone she would love. And then he would lose his chance forever.

  Raven’s hair glimmered, even in the gritty photo. Her skin gleamed luminescent. The photographer had taken a three-quarter body shot, treating Jax to a view of Raven’s cleavage and the sexy curve of her hips.

  The gnawing hunger of missing her brought him farther than his knees, and he sagged onto his ass, leaning heavily against the chair.

  “Jax, are you all right, dear?” an alarmed older woman exclaimed, rushing to him in a clanking of beads.

  “No,” he croaked, pushing her away, the cloying scent of her honeysuckle perfume churning his stomach.

  “Can I call anyone for you?”

  “No,” he said again. “No one can help me.”

  He could only help himself.

  He needed to now, before it was too late.

  First, he had to make other amends.

  He called Mariah who was more than happy to come back, and immediately began cleaning the neglected rooms.

  “I’m putting it on the market, Mariah.”

  “Sí,” Mariah agreed. “Something more for . . . family.”

  “Sí,” Jax said. “For family.”

  He wanted a drink before he made his next call, but forced himself to refrain. Drinking hadn’t helped before, and it wouldn’t help now.

  Jax breathed a sigh of relief, and sent a thankful prayer when Erik answered Jax’s call and agreed to allow him to stop by.

  Driving to his brother’s he thought to bring some kind of peace offering, but in the end, he stood in Erik’s hallway waiting for him to answer the door with nothing but his heart in his hands.

  “Jax,” Erik said. “Don’t worry, Finn isn’t here. You won’t be forced to deal with him or my lifestyle choices.”

  “I came to apologize.”

  Stiff with anger, Erik strode to the refrigerator and grabbed two bottles of beer.

  Jax took one, but set it aside without comment.

  “You’re going to have to do better than that this time. Behaving like an asshole, and then saying you’re sorry, is getting old. I’ve looked out for you since the shooting. I gave you the bulk of my time for sixteen years. I worked at Titan when I would have been happier sucking shit out of porta potties. I supported you through your crazy-ass schemes to marry whoever would take you. Then Raven came along, and I went with your stupid plan to fake marry her because God forbid you tell the truth to anyone. But her helping you just wasn’t enough. You brought her into your house and abused her, and allowed Lucia to abuse her, too. Then when things didn’t go your way, you kicked her out without even a ‘good luck’.”

  “I know. You’re right about everything. There’s nothing I can say in my defense. I may be getting what I deserve. Someone gave this to me the other night.”

  Erik flicked the photo. “Huh. This must be her hedge fund manager.”

  Jax tore the paper from Erik’s fingers. “You know him?”

  “No. She told me about him.”

  Jax sank onto Erik’s couch. “You’ve seen her? And you didn’t tell me?”

  Erik growled. “Why in the hell would I tell you? We weren’t speaking, and you kicked her out. What she was doing, or whom she was seeing, wasn’t any of your concern, and to be perfectly honest, I didn’t give one thought to telling you.”

  Jax rubbed his fingers along his jaw. “How did she look?”

  Sitting on the arm of a chair near Jax he said, “She was crying.”

  Jax stiffened.

  “She’d just come out of a session with Dr. Wheland, but besides that, she looked good. She said she was having problems fitting in, finding her place. Can’t say I blame her after all that’s happened.”

&nbs
p; “Her place is with me.”

  Erik scoffed. “Is it? Because it sure as hell doesn’t seem like it.”

  “You’re right. My place is with her.”

  Erik flung out his arms. “Then what are you doing here?”

  “What if she doesn’t want me, Erik?” Jax voiced his worst fear. After everything he’d done, could she look him in the face and say she loved him?

  “Then you accept it, and move on. You think you’ll be the only man rejected by a woman? I’m tired of coddling you. I’m tired of being your accomplice in bad behavior. If this thing with Raven doesn’t work out . . . Mom and I won’t be targets for your anger. You didn’t face up to killing an innocent bystander in the park. Knowing his name did nothing, or you wouldn’t have thrown Raven out on her ass. You need to face this, Jax. Apologize, and if she accepts it, then she does. If she doesn’t, let it go. Then it’s the end. The end. I will never again let you say things to me like what you said the night you made Raven leave. How do you think I even knew to stop by? She called me to look after you. Kind until the end, our Raven.” Erik guzzled his beer. After wiping his mouth with the back of his hand he finished, “Figure this out, or leave her be.”

  “I can’t live without her.”

  “For fuck’s sake. Then be a man and go get her.”

  At the door, Jax hugged his brother. A rush of love swamped his heart. “I’m sorry,” he choked. “I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean it. You’re my brother, and I love you, no matter what.”

  “I love you, too, little brother. Raven is a good woman. Start treating her like one.”

  Sitting in his car, Jax programmed the address of Raven’s parents’ house into his phone.

  He hoped Lucia wasn’t wrong.

  Jax prayed he hadn’t lost Raven to another man.

  It was nothing less than what he deserved.

  Jax shoved his car into Park, and tried to steady his shaking hands.

  Phillip’s and Roz’s house looked just the same, only now decorated for fall with hay bales and pumpkins.

  A car sat in their driveway.

  Someone was home.

  He smoothed the tie of his navy suit. His armor. Raven had softened him for a little while. But he’d gone back to wearing them. He’d always used his suits as protection, but he never realized it until now.

  As the leaves blew across their yard of withering grass, Jax pushed the doorbell, steeling himself to see Raven.

  He sagged in relief as well as disappointment when her father answered the door.

  “Mr. Grey. I’m here to see Raven.” Jax shook the man’s hand.

  “It’s Phillip, if I can call you Jax. Raven has told us so much about you. Roz, you’ll never guess who’s here.”

  Jax followed Phillip into the living room. The house looked different from the last time he’d been there, searching for Raven. There were pictures on the walls, on the fireplace mantel. Colored throws and pillows brought touches of brightness to the previous drab and dreary space.

  Raven had brought joy back into her parents’ lives.

  “Oh, my God,” Roz exclaimed. “We never thought we’d get the chance to thank you. When you were looking for her all those months ago . . . we had no idea you’d actually find her.”

  Roz took Jax into her arms and gave him a hug that rivaled Mariah’s.

  Tentatively, Jax returned the embrace.

  “Sit, sit,” Phillip urged. “Raven isn’t here, but she should be back soon. She’s in the park. She’s come such a long way, and we have you to thank.”

  Jax tried to deny it, but Roz cut in with excited chatter. “Her hair, her clothing—your mother has exquisite taste. And her schooling, Mr. Brooks, we appreciate that so much. When she came home, it was no time at all before she took her GED test. She’s taking classes at the community college now. And she’s writing a memoir about her time on the streets. She told you . . . about her brother, Levi?”

  Jax shifted on the couch. The air was stuffy, and he suddenly found it hard to breathe. Talking to Raven about shooting Levi was one thing—he had to, or he would lose her forever. Telling her parents he’d shot their only son would be a different matter.

  But, again, he had to. If he hoped to marry Raven, he would be part of the Grey family, and he would never be able to keep it a secret.

  The time for keeping secrets was well past.

  “She told me what happened,” Jax said, bile rising in his throat.

  “We’ve finally been able to put it behind us,” Phillip said.

  “I haven’t,” Jax murmured.

  “What do you mean, dear?” Roz asked, casting a worried glance at her husband.

  “I didn’t start in security,” Jax began, rising from the couch, adrenaline beginning to pump through his veins.

  Fight or flight.

  He had to stop running.

  “I started as a rookie on the city’s police force. I was twenty-two. Idealistic. Wanted to save the world as most people who graduate from the police academy are wont to do. I’d been paired with an officer who had some time on me, showing me the ropes. We were doing a midnight walk through the park along Cherry Blossom Boulevard.”

  Roz covered her mouth.

  “Jax,” Phillip rasped.

  “You don’t need me to go on, but I have to. I’ve been running from this for over sixteen years.”

  “You knew, when you came here, looking for Raven?” Roz accused. “And you never said one word to us?”

  “No. No. What I told you that day was true. I’d hired Raven to be my fiancée’s stand-in. That’s all. I spent days looking for her, after you alluded she was homeless, Mr. Grey. I greased a lot of palms to no avail. Until I happened upon a little kid. I paid him two hundred dollars, and he told me about Elle. Raven has told you about her friend?”

  Roz nodded.

  “Elle told me where Raven could be, and I searched an abandoned apartment building on Pike for hours. I finally found her, burning up with fever. The doctor who looked at her told me I saved her life, but really, she saved mine.”

  Jax picked up a framed photo of a young man and a little girl. The little girl wore Raven’s face. The almost-man looked like his father.

  “I carried a lot of guilt from that night, the night of the shooting, but when I fell in love with your daughter, and I do love Raven, Mr. and Mrs. Grey, what I did kept me from doing anything about it. I told her I loved her, but it wasn’t enough. I couldn’t show her.”

  “You didn’t know the connection?” Phillip asked, tilting his head in skepticism. “You didn’t know all this time you killed her brother? Our Levi?”

  “The police shrink thought it best I didn’t know the truth, and Levi’s identity was kept from me. That worked for me for a long time. It would have made it all too real to know. I was happy to live in ignorance. Until Raven.”

  “Then what are you doing here?” Phillip demanded. “What do you want from us? You took our son away. We’ve lived without our daughter for thirteen years.” He pulled off his glasses and angrily swiped at his eyes.

  “Raven didn’t talk much about Levi. She only told me she lost a brother when she was younger. Her time was spent with her tutors and other lessons.”

  Making love with me.

  Though he didn’t volunteer that information.

  “It was months before we started spending time together on a personal level. It was then I knew I loved her, and if I wanted a life with her, I needed to face up to what I’d done. I went to the police station and asked to see the file. I wanted to make amends. Offer scholarships, start a foundation in the victim’s name.”

  Roz flinched.

  Jax understood. Levi was more than a victim; he was her son.

  “When I saw Levi’s name on that police report, my world imploded. Raven could never love me if she knew I killed her brother. How could she look me in the eye every morning over coffee, and be happy? So I kicked her out. But it was my own brother who made me see know
ing Levi’s name wasn’t enough. I’m here to apologize. To you. To Raven. I’m hoping once she knows, she’ll forgive me. I’ve treated her horribly, and I won’t be surprised if she tells me she never wants to see me again.”

  “She may not,” Roz said. “I think she already knows.”

  Jax swallowed. “What do you mean?”

  “One day we were at lunch, and she asked me if we knew who had taken Levi’s life, and I said no. She hinted at finding out, but I told her to leave it alone. Now, looking back, I think she knew. There was something in the way she said it, that if I had said yes, I wanted to know, she could have told me. It’s just a feeling I have.”

  Jax bowed his head. That would explain it. That would explain why she never moved into the apartment, or used the debit card he’d given her.

  She’d severed all ties because she knew.

  “You could leave it alone. You could let her be. She’s met someone from our country club. I know he’s proposed. Just leave it alone and let her be happy,” Roz said.

  Jax’s heart sank. His worst nightmares were coming true, but he needed to see her, just one last time. Even if it meant saying goodbye.

  “I love her. I never told her, never really showed her. I could walk out of your house now and nothing would be different for me. I can’t do that. For once in my life, I need to do the right thing.”

  Phillip grasped Jax’s shoulder, and Jax prepared to be thrown out of the house. Instead, Phillip pulled him into a hug.

  “Go to her. Tell her what you told us. She’s doing okay, taking classes, living her life off the streets. But we’re her parents, and we’re not stupid. She’s not happy. When she smiles, she smiles with her mouth, but not her eyes.”

  “Mr. and Mrs. Grey, I want to marry her. I’m asking for your blessing, even after everything I’ve done to your family. I’m asking for your permission to marry Raven. I’ve learned enough to know I can’t be happy without her. But I’ll understand if you don’t think I deserve her.”

  “We all deserve a second chance. You gave Raven hers. Now take yours. Good luck, Jax, and welcome to the family.” Roz kissed his cheek.

  Jax drove to the park where he shot Levi Grey that fateful night—changing the lives of five people forever. He included Levi in his count, and said a prayer for the young man whose life he robbed under a moon and a sky full of spring stars.