Finding Beauty (The Beauty Trilogy Book 1)

by Raven Scott

  “That was so nice of you, Collins,” Parker’s mother states.

  “Please, come into the living room. Dinner will be ready in about ten minutes,” she continues.

  As we begin to walk towards the living room, I notice tons of family photos decorating the walls. Especially, a picture of a youthful Cannon and a girl that is gorgeous for her age.

  Dalton notices my interest in the photo and comes to stand beside me.

  “That was Annabeth. She was Cannon’s first girlfriend. She died from cancer about a year after this picture was taken. They all said you couldn’t have found a nicer girl for Cannon. He was a complete wreck after she died. They didn’t think he would be able to completely move on from her… they still don’t. He is not the same Cannon we all once knew.”

  What can you say after that…? I stand there realizing that Cannon would never be over her, to lose someone like that. To think you have all the time in the world with the one person that you know is your forever and then to lose them to a battle that is so sickening. The pain must still be like shards of glass in his heart.

  “Hi, I am here,” Cannon says from the front door.

  I don’t want him to see that I’m staring at the picture. I don’t want him to think he has to explain her to me. I understand that she is his one great love, and I’m just someone to numb the pain for a while. He never promised me anything, and I never promised him anything. At the end of next week, this thing with us will be over, and I can let him go. Then, and only then, will my heart be protected from the enigma of this complex man.

  “Dinner is ready, everyone!” Kat says.

  “Collins, I didn’t know you were going to be here,” Cannon says with confusion.

  “Yes, Parker invited me and Rogen to come and meet your parents. I hope that is okay?” I say with caution because I get the feeling he doesn’t want me here.

  I quickly add, “If you don’t want me here… I could make something up to leave. You know what, just tell them I had something come up.”

  I don’t wait for an answer. I speed outside, and luckily a cab is parked at the end of the street, and I grab it.

  “Miss, where do you need me to take you?” the cabbie says.

  I tell him where I need to go and he starts pulling from the curb. That’s when I see Rogen and Dalton searching the street. I don’t mean to panic them, so I take out my phone and call Rogen.

  “Collins, what the hell! Where did you go?” he bellows out at me.

  “Rogen, calm your fucking tits down. I needed to go. I totally forgot I had some work documents that needed to be emailed and sent out before midnight,” I say hoping he won’t read too much into it.

  He takes a moment to decide if he was going to say something about it or not, “Okay, do you need me to come back to the house?”

  I am so thankful that he lets it go, “No, stay and have a good time.”

  “Alright, I’ll bring something back with me for you to eat. Love you, Sis.”

  “I love you, too,” I say hanging up.

  I end up stopping at a local store to grab some bottles of wine and food. When I am finally home in a change of clothing… I am in my study with a bottle of wine and a book. This is my safe place… a place I can go to avoid the pain of my life.

  18

  Eye Opening

  Last night was seriously eye-opening for the relationship I have built with Cannon. He text me late last night to say when he will be at the apartment to pick me up for our hang out. I promised myself not to think about the ending of our relationship, but the hope for a stable friendship. I accept that I’m not it for anyone or any kind of love like that.

  Rogen already checked on me twice and left for the day. He is always so worried for me. I need him to realize that I’m going to get through everything… the past, and my present predicament named Cannon.

  I text Parker and apologize for leaving abruptly without saying goodbye. She totally understands, and I hate myself even more for lying to her. But, I can’t come out and say ‘I’m sorry I had to leave, because I panicked, and because I think I am already falling in love with your brother… who I have been screwing for the past three weeks. Love you.’

  I’m not good enough for him or his wonderful family.

  Cannon shows up right on time. He looks perfect as usual with his whole causal look. He is wearing a band tee, jeans, and combat boots.

  It makes me glad about my decision of clothing… my favorite Marilyn Monroe skull tee, ripped jeans, and combat boots.

  “You look good enough to eat, love,” he says with that devilish grin of his.

  “Um, sure.” I do not quite believe this man’s statement. How can I when all I feel like is… worthless.

  He steps into the living room and gives me a lingering kiss on my lips. It’s hard not to let myself get swept up into those lips and his feathery light touches.

  “Before we go, I want to take the time to apologize about last night. When I came home , and you were there… it threw me for a loop. I was stunned by you and your presence in my parents’ house. So, I am sorry. I shouldn’t have let you leave, and I should have come by to check on you,” he confesses. I know he is genuinely sorry for the simple fact that I can tell in his eyes that he is sorry for letting me leave last night. I want to let this go as fast as humanly possible.

  “Cannon, it’s fine. You don’t owe me an explanation for anything. I actually had some work to catch up on,” I say.

  He looks at me like he is trying to assess the answer that I have given him. Then, all the sudden he has me pushed up against the front door and his lips are on mine. He kisses me differently than he has ever before. It’s like my lips are his drug of choice and he has been too long without them.

  He finally takes a step back… his hands still cradling my face, and looks deeply into my eyes. I think he is trying to convey something to me but quickly masks it away. He has a right to be closed off… a right not to give me anything. We made no promises to this short-term relationship. I’m not his forever.

  “You ready to go?” he asks.

  “Yea,” I reply.

  The movie in the park is unbelievably magical and romantic. Cannon brings snacks and drinks for us, and a blanket to share. We have some downtime before the movie, so we opt to ask each other questions.

  Cannon goes first of course.

  “So, what did you want to be when you grew up? Was it always your dream to be a wicked sexy librarian?” he asks with an adorable grin.

  “Yes, at a very young age I discovered books and their magical abilities to help you escape from reality for a while. I also realized it had the ability to heal deep wounds of the soul. So, I decided at the ripe age of thirteen to become a librarian and never wavered,” I state with so much passion and happiness. “What made you want to become a bar owner?”

  “I always wanted to own something I could call my own. I started out in college, bartending at a local pub near the university, and quickly realized that I was good at it. Not with just pouring the drinks, but the business and marketing side of it as well. So, I quit school and bought a rundown building and turned it into Anastasia,” he says with pride.

  “That’s seriously amazing, Cannon,” I say.

  He looks at me and leans in to whisper, “I know this arrangement is ending next week, but I’m having so much fun with you that I don’t want it to end just yet… what about we continue this arrangement indefinitely?” he asks while leaving butterfly kisses up and down my neck.

  My mind and body yell, yes. But, my heart and soul say, no don’t do it… you can’t handle any more pain. I look to him with earnest eyes that expose what I am feeling, and he looks back at me the same. We don’t know what this is, but we do know that we’re not ready to part with it.

  I take a deep breath and say, “Okay.”

  We get to the restaurant only to realize that we are hungry for something other than food. He starts kissing my neck and shoulder. He says between
kisses, “My… place… is… around… the… corner from here.”

  I assumed he lived at the bar. I never realized he had his own place. Now I am curious to see what this mysterious man’s flat looks like.

  I reply with a quick, “Yes.”

  We basically run towards his place, and I notice that he lives in a gated apartment complex. It looks very modern and chic with its black accents against the grey granite building. We jump on the elevator, and pick back up where we left off at the restaurant front.

  The elevator stops at the top floor, and he yanks me out into the hall. We stop at a door that I can only assume is his front door to his home.

  “Collins, I fucking need to feel you, now,” he states while yanking my shirt off. I can never get used to this man needing anything from me. I want to be his comfort for however long he needs me.

  I groan as his tongue finds my hardened nipple. He bites down hard enough to cause pain to go through my body to only end up as a pleasurable feeling after a moment. I am soaked by this man. I need to feel him inside now. He senses the urgency in my need immediately.

  “Strip, and then position yourself on the kitchen table. You better not make me wait or I will have to punish the good little librarian,” he says.

  I do just that, and I position myself with my belly on the surface with ass up in the air. I really can’t see him, but I hear him removing his clothes. The anticipation has built up in me that I know I am about to burst with excitement. He comes up behind and massages my ass in his hand.

  “Somebody needs a spanking… don’t they?” he says.

  I don’t answer immediately, so he smacks me hard on my ass. I’m stunned by the way I respond to it. It’s painful at first, and then I’m overcome with pleasure. Before I know it, he slams into me hard. He grabs my hair and starting pounding into me… hitting my clit perfectly. This is fucking, and I love it.

  I cum as soon as he pinches my clit. “Cannon, fuck!”

  He quickens his motions, searching for his own release and finds it in record time… “Collins, fuck yes!”

  He slowly pulls out of me, and I am left feeling empty. I don’t like that feeling. The one where you are getting used to something, but know it’s bad for you or something you shouldn’t feel.

  I’m about to get dress and head out when Cannon pulls me into what I assume is his bedroom.

  “I am most definitely not finished with you, yet,” he states.

  He then proceeds to make love to me into the wee hours of dawn. I already realized I am falling in love with this man. I know, because it feels like I’m falling out of a plane full speed and then catching myself last minute.

  It is the scariest, but most exciting thing that I will ever do. We are snuggled up together, and I start to cry, because I know I am not good enough for him. I am merely his comfort.

  The sun starts to rise, and I just want to enjoy a little more time with this amazing man of mine. He pulls me more into his embrace and nuzzles my neck.

  I whisper, “I love you.”

  19

  Enough

  Since that night with Cannon, we have been hanging out regularly with no inhibition of an end in sight. The other day, he took me around to some historical sites and let me actually see the city that has quickly become my home. Each day, I fall more in love with him.

  “Collins, your brother and Mr. Dalton are here to see you. Should I send them up?” Sierra asks.

  “Yea, send them on up. Thank you, Sierra,” I say.

  I didn’t know I was meeting with my brother or Dalton today. Did I miss something? There is a knock at my door, and my brother comes barging in with Dalton close on his feet.

  “Well, hello to you.”

  “Sis, we need to talk to you about your relationship with Cannon.”

  What the literal fuck is my brother doing? Dalton doesn’t even know about my relationship with Cannon. What is my brother playing at?

  “Rogen, what are you talking about? It’s none of your damn business what me or Cannon are doing in our free time,” I quickly retort.

  Dalton is the one to speak next, “Collins, honestly, it’s not hard to see that you are in a relationship with him. But, right now we need to know how serious you are with him?”

  “Why do you want to know? What’s the matter?” I ask both men in front of me.

  “Well we might have fucking seen him with some chick at a restaurant a couple of hours ago…” my brother fires back.

  All the color drains from my face, and I am left saying, “What?”

  Dalton steps forward and wraps me in a hug. Rogen curses and comes to the other side of me and does the same.

  “He said we were exclusive until we ended this “arrangement”… it’s not a big deal. We are just having sex. That’s it,” I say.

  How could I have been so naïve to think I was worth something to Cannon? He can’t even hold his fucking promise he made to me. I am a complete idiot, but I know now where I stand with Cannon Helding. I will never trust him with anything of mine again.

  I push Dalton and Rogen away from me and tell them, “Y’all, I am fine. We never made it clear to each other that it was still the deal to be exclusive.”

  “Fuck that, sis! You deserve ten times better than that dick,” Rogen bellows out in anger.

  But, he is wrong. This will be the only thing I deserve in this life. Too bad, he can’t realize that. Life would be simpler if he just let it go with the You deserve better crap.

  “Rogen, let it go. I am a big girl, and I know what I am doing. Dalton, tell him,” I say with pleading eyes.

  He sees that I need to be alone. “Rogen, man. She is right. This is her life, not yours. You have to let her figure things out on her own.”

  Rogen stares at me with such protectiveness. He simply nods and walks out of my office.

  Dalton gives me another hug and says to call him if I need him.

  I wait a couple of minutes before I let go of all the tears I’ve held onto. I feel like a complete idiot… I let myself think that it could have been more. Why can’t I fucking have something or someone in my life that fucking loves me? Why does it have to be so hard for me?

  This arrangement is over. My heart can’t handle anymore, and I simply can’t handle it anymore either. But, I can’t ignore the fact that I am still completely in love with him. I also can’t ignore that I am fucking stupid in believing I ever was more to him. I will always be the fat cow that Tyler said I was.

  Cannon texts me later that night to hang out, but I wasn’t ready to see him. So, I ignored it… and ignored the rest of them, too. Dalton and Rogen kept checking with me over the next week. But, it’s Rain that made me get up, and she’s also the reason I’m standing in a tattoo shop waiting to get something permanently placed on my body.

  earlier that day…

  “Wake the fuck up, Sunshine. It’s another glorious morning here in Rain and Collins’ world,” she says barging into my room.

  “Leave me the fuck alone, Rain,” I growl at her.

  She climbs in bed with me and simply states, “Do you love him?”

  How the hell does she know? The small creature that is my roommate is scary smart and intuitive.

  “I don’t know… it’s too early to tell something that major… right?” I say to her even though I know I am completely in love with him.

  “It’s never too early to love someone, Collins. We go our whole lives loving things…. loving places… and loving people. It’s in our nature to want that very love in return,” she states with so much conviction it makes me wonder about who broke my roommate’s heart.

  “What if I do know and I am just scared to say anything?”

  “We’re all scared of something, Collins. The scariest thing we do in life is making our souls bare to the one we think is our forever and hoping for the damn best,” she states courageously.

  “That’s profoundly beautiful, Rain,” I say with adoration in my voice.

&nbs
p; “Okay, you need to get up and do something spontaneous with your day today, and I know just the thing.” She smiles with mischief.

  That’s how we got here. My brother comes up to the desk and asks what we are up to.

  Rain beats me to the punch. “Listen up, buttercup. Your sister is needing some work done, so when can she get in?”

  Rogen is in a state of shock, because he thought I would never get a tattoo in my life.

  “Collins, this is the fucking best day of my life. I get to tattoo my sister!” he states.

  “It’s not that exciting, bro,” I laughingly say.

  “Whatever, it is a big deal. What are you wanting and where?”

  “I have thought about this in the past. There is a statement that Erin van Vuren once made, ‘There will be very painful moments in your life that will change your entire world in a matter of minutes. These moments will change you. Let them make you stronger, smarter, and kinder. But don’t you go and become someone that you’re not. Cry. Scream if you have to. Then you straighten out that crown and keep moving.’ I want a sentence that is a part of that statement that is kind of my anthem for my life. Also, I want it to be on my ribs,” I say bravely.

  I’m ready to fucking live my life, bravely. The first step is this tattoo, and then the next is confessing my love for this broken man that I want to be solely mine.

  Here’s to life.

  20

  Tattoo

  I can’t believe I got a tattoo. Like, Rogen did an incredible job that I am proud of, and he is pleased to add to his portfolio.

  I plan on going by Cannon’s office tomorrow night to tell him everything I have come to realize. I hope he will say the same because I know in my heart that I can’t love someone this fucking much for them not to even love me.

  I’m on my way to meet Parker for lunch, and I am nervous to see if Dalton told her about my “arrangement” with her brother.