by Raven Scott
“Yes, of course. What’s going on, sis? Is she okay?” he asks with concernment.
“Everything is not fine. She needs to be around her family, and that’s why she is coming to stay with us,” I state.
I look over to Parker and ask what exactly she needs.
“I don’t want to be a burden on you or your brother. I could go and grab some stuff on my own,” she says through the tears.
Rogen asks, “Put her on the phone.”
“Parker, Rogen wants to talk to you. Is that okay?” I ask.
When I hand the phone to Parker, it gives me the chance to really look at my best friend. She has lost weight… her eyes are dark . . . she is almost like the shell of the woman that I used to know. How did it take me this long to realize that my best friend was not okay? How can we make this better?
“Collins, I am so sorry to leave early. Rogen is outside waiting on me, and then we are heading to my flat to grab a few things. Are you still okay with this? Are you sure Cannon won’t mind his sister crashing?” she asks nervously.
“Parker, you are our family. We help our family when needed. Now, go get your stuff and I will run by somewhere to pick up some of your favorites. How does that sound?” I say while grabbing my phone to text the others about the cancellation of our immediate “therapy” session. Parker needs to be the main focus now.
“That sounds great. I am so happy to be gaining such a wonderful sister,” she says grabbing me up for a big hug.
As I watch her walk out… I vow to myself that I will save my best friend.
30
Hurting
The girls completely understood about the cancellation and instead, showed up to the flat with drinks. We had a night of gossip, and started the beginning stage of healing for one of our own. I have never lost anyone that close to me before. I don’t understand what she might be feeling or if she might ever come out of this stage, but I will be there for her now, and when she comes back to us.
“Love, what are you thinking? I can hear you from here,” Cannon says from behind me.
I don’t want to worry him, but I need my best friend’s advice. “I am worried about your sister. She told me some things the other day. I don’t know how I can help her. How can we help someone who lost such a crucial part of one’s life?”
“We must be present. We must make sure to give her enough space to think, but not enough to despair or relish in the pain. The key is love, babe. To love and nurture her without suffocating her with the “idea of healing,” he says while pulling me into his chest.
For a while, we just stand there wrapped up in our thoughts. We are going to face this together. I realized that I won’t ever have to do things alone again. He will be there for me and our family. We will face triumphs and trails together— as a team.
“Two weeks until you are Mrs. Helding, bitch!” Rowan yells at the top of her lungs. She has been one of the most excited human beings about my upcoming nuptials.
“Bitch, I think she knows that. Don’t you, future Mrs. Helding?” Rain says with a smirk.
Of course, I know that! I will be marrying the man of my dreams. My love for him grows daily with the simplest things that he does. I never let myself day dream about my wedding, because I always assumed that if I didn’t marry Tyler, I wouldn’t have a wedding at all. But here I am, two weeks away from marrying my man… my haven… my Cannon.
“Bitches, how could I forget? Between y’all and Parker, I am reminded every few seconds,” I say with a wink.
We were having a make-up therapy session for what to do about my parents’ situation.
I clear my voice. “Okay, you all know what’s been going on between my parents and me. I want to ask for all of your opinions on what I should do? Do I reach out first? Should I wait for them to call me?”
They all sit back a little bit and evaluate what they know about the situation before giving me their advice.
Rowan is the first to speak, “I think you should do what you fucking want to do. For once, you need to take up for yourself with your parents. Stop letting them walk all over you.”
“Basically, the cow is saying do what makes you feel happy. Because at the end of the day… you are the only one that will have to live with the decision,” Rain pipes in.
“That’s always been my biggest struggle. I can’t seem to stand my ground with my parents, even when my mother made some awful statements toward me or my weight. I chose to turn the blind eye to it all. Living in a world of oblivion was ten times better than reality… or admitting to myself that even my fucking parents hated the sight of me,” I sobbed.
Parker wraps her arms around me. “I think you know your answer already, Collins.”
“Fuck them! You are one of the best people that I know. You are so brave. Brave enough to uproot your whole life and start a new one. Brave enough to finally take the leap with Cannon. Brave enough to love yourself, and then love the people around you. They didn’t realize what a prize they had, but we will never forget the blessing you are to our little fucked up tribe. Collins, you are the glue that holds us all together,” Rowan roars.
Rain quickly chimes in, “Fuck yeah!”
“Sister, you have our advice now. But, you have the final say so. You do what you can live with. We will be here no matter what.”
These women are my family. They have never taken without giving more in return. They love me for ME, not the person that they want to see, or the one they think I could become.
I made my decision. I will not be like the woman my mother has become. I want her to come. To see the love I have found with Cannon and the family that has formed around me. I want her to see that what she broke… they helped repair and found beauty in.
“I’m going to invite her,” I state shakily.
31
Terms
Later that night, I told Rogen and Cannon what I decided to do. Both were very accepting and supportive of my decision.
“I am going to call them in the morning if you want to be there to say anything to them,” I say to Rogen.
Rogen replies, “Sis, I think you should do this alone. But, I will only be in the other room if you need me. You know that right?”
“Yes. I love you, brother,” I say hugging him.
“I love you too, sis.”
Cannon says that he needed to run to the bar and he wanted me to come with him. So, we head off towards Anastasia, hand in hand.
“Love, you know you are the sexiest woman alive. I am the luckiest man in the world, because I get to keep you forever. But, you should know that I am a savage when it comes to you. I want to taste you every fucking day, even when we are in a sea of fucking people or surrounded by our annoying family,” he says nuzzling my neck.
I know that my face is at least ten shades of pink, but it makes me so wet with want for this savage man of mine.
“Oh, really? What are you waiting on then?” I ask quizzically.
He pushes me inside the empty bar and grabs my face roughly.
“Strip,” he demands.
“Here? Now?” I say whilst looking around.
“Yes, now! Don’t make me say it again.”
Fuck, I begin to slowly lift my t-shirt while he turns on the stereo, playing my favorite song, Arsonist’s Lullabye by Hozier. The lyrics make my hormones intensify for more of Cannon, and the heat and love between us. We have our share of demons but through each other, we are able to control them better.
“Lie back on the bar for me, love. Open those pretty legs for your man… let me see my fucking feast,” he growls.
Fuck, what the man does to me. He grabs my legs and opens them further apart and presses his tongue down on my clit hard.
My hips lift trying to gain more pressure from his tongue, and when he eases two fingers into me… I about explode into a million tiny pieces.
This man knows what he does to me, and damn if I don’t fucking love it.
“Now,” he growls int
o my vagina.
I throw my head back against the bar and ride out my release. Cannon leans up and places a kiss on my lips… allowing me to taste my own release on his lips. The man drives me crazy in the best ways possible.
“I love you, future Mrs. Helding,” he declares while easing into me.
He makes sweet love to me during the intensity of the song. This man has taught me how to love myself through all the past hurts by simply living my life to the fullest. He finds me beautiful just like I am.
“Cannon, faster… please,” I beg for release.
He yanks out and flips me over and slams into me from behind. He grabs a handful of hair and latches a hard grip on my thigh.
“Mine… all fucking mine,” he growls.
That does it for me. I struggled against his grip as I come the hardest I ever have. Never in my whole life did I ever imagine that those possessive filled words would be the biggest turn on for me. It’s more the man behind those words.
“I love you so hard, love,” he states.
He finds his own release with the taste of my name on his lips.
This is it, all or nothing. I am about to call the people that are referred to as my “parents”. They never showed me the love that I deserved, or showed me that it is okay to be different… to be thick… to be proud of who I am. No, I got parents that were never okay with their daughter’s looks. I can recall a situation from when I was younger that has stuck with me through my entire life… well, up until now. Now, I am letting that shit go. Never again will I let anyone, not even my parents speak that way to me.
many years ago…
Tonight will be my first date with Tyler, and I want everything to go perfect. I thought this would never happen for me. Even my friends told me that they thought I would be one of those girls that didn’t get to experience that kind of stuff in my life. But, they are WRONG.
I sit down at the dinner table to ask my mother if she would help me buy a new outfit for my date.
“Mom, so you know that I have a date tonight… and I was wondering if you would help me buy something new for tonight?” I ask nervously.
She laughs, “Of course, but honestly, I wished he would have given us enough time for you to drop some weight. I told you a long time ago that to keep a man… you must always make yourself presentable and pleasing to the eye. That, darling, is how you keep a man. Hell, that’s how you get a man.”
My face falls into a hurt blush, and that one statement made me doubt everything. Should I have not accepted the date? Am I good enough for Tyler?
I should say something. Defend yourself, Collins!
But no, I do what any spineless girl like I am does.
I laugh. I laugh away the fucking hurt. I laugh away another break of my soul.
I didn’t realize how much the past had taken on my soul. Well, up until now that is— because now I’ve surrounded myself with people that have seen my broken and scarred soul, and chosen to still to love me. That has given me the strength and courage to deal with this unspoken battle with my parents.
I hit call.
Ring…
Ring…
She’s not going to pick up. What? Is she so busy she can’t just pick the phone up to talk to her only daughter?
Ring…
“Hello,” she says timidly.
“Hi, Mom. How have you been?” I ask.
She pauses… like she’s having to decide or contemplate her next words, “I’ve been better,” she states.
I don’t waste time anymore. I called for a reason.
“Mom, I want to invite you to my wedding. I want you to know that you didn’t win… you didn’t break my spirit… you didn’t break me. I won, because I am choosing to forgive you. I am choosing not to have hatred in my heart. I am choosing love. It’s your decision,” I say hanging up.
I sit there for what seemed like hours… crying the hurt away. That’s how my brother found me. Curled up in a ball on the bed; crying my eyes out.
“Sister, what happened? Did they say something bad to you? I swear, if they hurt you I will kill them for this,” he says angrily.
I sigh into his hug. “No, they didn’t say anything negative. I think honestly that everything that I have bottled up over the years is finally breaking the surface. I am finally dealing with my shit, and it scares the living shit out of me. I have never been the strongest person. I have been more like a doormat my entire life. But, falling in love with Cannon has taught me that I am as powerful as I want to be.”
He squeezes me. “That’s the warrior I always thought of you as. Collins, you are the most beautiful person inside and out. You love people for who they are. No questions asked. You see the hurt, and you want to make it better. I am happy that you are finally helping yourself.”
If nothing else, I know for sure that my brother is the only family support and love I need.
“Also, you’re fucking rad for a nerd,” he says jokingly.
“Har, Har. At least I can read,” I replied back.
I have my brother, friends that are more like family, and a man that loves me for ME. I don’t need them, but it would be nice to have them there on my big day.
32
Close
In one week, I will be marrying the man of my dreams. Sometimes, it’s hard to believe that I’m getting married to the most incredible man. Today I am going dress shopping with my tribe and my assistant, Sierra. She has become such a close friend of mine. She is very mysterious, and I’m wanting to get to know her more. Maybe she could be someone who was good enough for my brother. Who knows?
As we walk in, I am overcome with nerves or fear. What if I can’t fit anything in this store? What if the employees look at me in disgust?
I wish Cannon would have been here. He would have known just what to say, but he has taught me that I am beautiful. And to quote him, “Fuck what others think, love.”
“Collins, what style are you thinking of trying on?” Parker whispers.
“Honestly, Parker. I thought I would never have this… any of this. So, I never let myself dream of what never would be.” I say timidly back.
Parker puts her arm around me and says, “You deserve to be loved. You are going to be the most gorgeous bride, because you are already the most beautiful person I know.”
“Hallo, how is everyone today?” the receptionist asks.
She gets a mixture of replies back.
“Which one is the lucky bride?” she questions.
“I am.” I say.
“Excellent, you can come with me and my associate will show your party to their seats.” she says while ushering me into the other part of the building.
Parker, Rowan, Rain, and Sierra all wave and give their mixtures of good lucks.
“Okay, Ms. Danford. What style do you want to look at today? We have a wide selection of about everything.”
“I believe I want to look at different styles. I want to find the “one” to wear on my wedding day. I want to feel beautiful for myself and my fiancé.”
The woman wipes her tears and states, “That is beautiful, and that’s what we are here for. I believe I know just the dress for you. If you don’t mind?”
“No, not at all.” I say eagerly wanting to start the process.
She says to go ahead and take my clothes off and she will be back in a few minutes.
A couple of minutes later she walks in with a garment bag.
“We got this dress in a couple of months ago and I thought of you as soon as you walked in the door. You have that classic beauty about you. You look like a modern-day Marilyn Monroe. This dress screams you,” she says.
Did she just compare me to Marilyn Monroe? Like, the icon of classic beauty… what is this a twisted reverse dimension that I have walked into?
I blush and reply, “Oh, thank you.”
The dress can be easily described as a classic, but modern mermaid style dress. It was beautiful.
We put the dress o
n and then she turns me to be able to see myself in the mirror. I am speechless…. I can’t describe exactly what I am feeling.
“What do you think, Ms. Danford?” she asks.
“I look beautiful… I feel beautiful,” I say as I stare into the mirror memorized.
She suggested we go and get my friends opinions.
As I walk out, I see Parker, Rowan, Rain, and Sierra.
“What do y’all think?” I ask them.
“Holy shit, you are going to make Cannon so fucking hard in that get up,” Rowan hollers.
Parker groans, “That’s my brother you’re talking about, so yuck. But, Collins you are absolutely gorgeous.”
We all laugh a little, because that’s Rowan for you. She is loud and opinionate, but that’s her. We wouldn’t change a thing, because she is a key element of our group.
“Collins fucking Danford, you are sexy as shit!” Rain exclaims.
“I think this is the dress. I know that it’s the first one, but when you feel like this then you just know,” I say.
Sierra stands and walks over to me, “Collins, this is your dress. No one else could do it justice.”
“Thank you all for supporting me. I couldn’t have done any of this without any of you. I can’t wait for you all to stand by me as I marry Cannon,” I say.
I continue, “Miss, I will take the dress!”
We end the day with picking out bridesmaid dresses and drinks.
Two days later and my wedding date is drawing closer. Parker has planned everything down to the T. I have nothing to worry about at all. Tonight, I am having Cannon’s parents over for dinner and the others. I took the day off to clean and grab some groceries for dinner. I’m thinking about dinner when Cannon comes from behind.
“How are you, future Mrs. Helding?” he says kissing my neck.