by Raven Scott
“Are you seriously playing dumb to the fact that you were blatantly insensitive to me due to the fact I didn’t want to go to my abusive ex-boyfriend’s wedding? You want to know the kind of hell I lived through for years because of him? Then you get on the phone with me and don’t even let me explain the reason why we haven’t called you back? Mom, our friend was killed in a drunk driving accident, and we’ve been busy planning a fucking funeral. I think its best we not talk for a while. Bye, Mom,” I say hanging up the phone crying.
She is never going to change, or admit she purposely hurt me. I think for a while, she should remain at the distances she has always been in my life.
At least I have my new family surrounding me… I am grateful for that.
27
Yes
It is finally Friday with only one meeting ahead of me, and then it’s the weekend. I can’t wait to spend it with my friends watching old movies with lots of booze.
Cannon was acting weird this morning which worries me. It has only been a couple of months into our official relationship. So as soon as I get home, I am going to make his favorite dessert, and then serve him some of me.
Sometimes, it floors me that this sexy man finds me so beautiful. There are fleeting moments that I let myself take a glimpse back into my past pain, but then I just think of what I have built for myself here in Scotland. I have a boyfriend who loves me… all of me, for who I am. I have my big brother here… and I can see the happiness he now holds here. I have my new sisters here… who have been beyond positive, kick ass human beings to me.
Earlier Sierra mentioned that the meeting will be in the actual library tonight. So, I grab my stuff and head down to the main floor. When the elevators open, I am caught off guard by the rose petals on the floor. It makes a makeshift path towards one of my most favorite sections in the whole library; the romance section.
As I follow the path of roses, there’s dozens of books shaped into a huge heart and at the center is Cannon.
“Cannon, what are you doing here?” I ask curiously.
He holds his hand out to me, so I can take a step into the heart.
Once inside, he places his hand on my cheek.
“The reason I am here is to do something I have wanted to do for so long. When I first saw you in my bar with my sister, I knew I had to know you. The day I helped you move into the flat and saw the number of books you owned, I knew I wanted to know everything that made you happy. The day I saw you dance with that guy, I knew I wanted you to be mine, so I would never have to experience the jealousy and hurt I experienced in that very moment.
“The first time we made love, I knew I never wanted to let you go, and that scared the hell out of me. I love you more than I ever thought I could after losing Annabeth. But I realize what you and I have is so much bigger than that. Collins, you are my soulmate. The love of my fucking life, and I never want to be away from you ever again. Loving you forever will be the best damn thing I ever do in this world…” He stops briefly and gets down on one knee, “Collins Danford, will you let me love you with every breath I take? Will you marry me, love?”
I realize I am sobbing so hard because I am so in love with this wonderful man. Never in a million years did I think I would ever have this moment. The moment you catch a glimpse into your future, and you can see the happiness that life can have.
“Yes. I would very much love that,” I breathed.
He puts the ring on my finger and jumps up, kissing me hard.
Then there’s clapping coming from all around us… all the people I love are here to celebrate this joyous and life changing moment. There is my brother, Parker, Rain, Rogen, Rowan, Sierra, and Cannon’s parents. They are all smiling with tears streaming down their faces.
Rogen is the first to reach me out of everyone.
“Sis, I am so fucking happy for you!” he says hugging me so hard that I can barely breathe.
“Be careful, Rogen. Don’t break my fiancé!” Cannon states teasingly to my brother.
“I am not going to break her, dickwad,” he retorts.
“You two dumbasses need to get out of the way, so I can hug my girl!” Rain says barreling between them.
I hug her so hard… I’ve come to realize that Rain is the sister I never knew I needed until, one day, she was there.
“Collins, I am seriously fucking happy for you! I know in my black heart that Dalton would have been so ecstatic for you both,” she says.
“I agree with you a hundred percent, Rain,” Parker says from behind.
I am so happy she is here, but I can see the sadness in her eyes. I know she is thinking that she wishes she had Dalton with her today. I would feel just the same if it was Cannon who died rather than Dalton.
“I will be eternally grateful for what you did for my brother, Collins. You brought him out of the darkness that he had immersed himself in for so long. You are his beacon of light, Collins. You make his world so bright with love and adoration. Thank you for saving him when we couldn’t,” she says.
“Parker, he saved me when I didn’t think that was ever a possibility. Cannon is just as much my beacon of light and I am his. Thank you for letting me into your life. It is because of you that I have my reason to breathe without pain now,” I reply.
We hug for what seems like forever, both crying tears of gratefulness and comfort.
“Don’t mean to break this endearing moment up, but let me hug this rad fucking chick,” Rowan says yanking me to her.
She may be a tiny chick, but damn the girl is strong and tough.
“See, Rowan. I knew you loved me,” I say laughingly.
“I do, but I’ll kill you if you ever fucking tell anybody. I got to keep my street cred. You know?” she says.
“What fucking street cred, Ro? The bus ticket is the only action you’re seeing on the streets. ” Cannon says hugging me from behind.
The rest of the night is filled with so much laughter and love that I know Dalton has to be watching over all of us. He always was the one to believe in love and in laughter… for him, I will always try to see the good in life.
Later that night, Cannon really shows me how much he loves me.
We barely make it through my bedroom door when he gives me my first order… and fuck me if I don’t obey this man of mine.
“Strip for me… slowly,” he says as he takes his cock out and starts jerking himself off.
I find it oddly hot that I make this man go crazy with love and lust. He has helped me find an empowering element in myself that I never thought I had. But for this man, I want to make him happy… I want to be the woman he deserves… but there is small voice still in my head telling me at every turn, ‘You’re not good enough or skinny enough.’
“Love, what are thinking about in that pretty little head of yours?” he asks as he kneels in front of me.
“Cannon, I am still trying to accept that you want to spend the rest of your life with me. You must see that for so long, I never, in my wildest dreams, thought I could have this… me and you… marriage… love with no hesitation. The voice in my head still screams at me, telling that I am not enough for you, or pretty enough, or…” I don’t finish that statement, because Cannon puts his fingers in front of my lips.
“I don’t fucking want to ever hear you say that, love. You are the very reason why I can breathe again. I was so lost for so long… just walking through life trying to find things that could numb the pain for just a little while, but you found me. You saved me. To me, you are the most beautiful woman… from the inside out. Plus, you are so fucking sexy when you obey me in the bedroom,” he says with a wicked smile.
“I love you,” I say grabbing his cock in my hand and pumping.
I want to show how much I appreciate this man for helping the real me come out again. I’m finally happy.
He starts groaning my name, and I can’t stand it anymore. I have to feel this man… my man— inside. I want him to fill me… I want it to be just him
connected to me in the most primal way.
I push him back to the floor and impale myself with his hard cock. I start riding him slowly just wanting to make a deeper impact between us. Then, it becomes more urgent.
“Fuck, Collins. I love your breasts,” he growls around my nipple.
My inner walls begin to clench around him, and I want us to be in sync.
“Cannon, are you close? Because I am so fucking close,” I breathed.
“Love, I am there… go ahead, ride your man,” he says.
He pinches my clit hard, and I lose it. We find our release together… holding onto each other, whispering words of lovers.
“I will love you with my every breath. Thank you for choosing me,” he says to me.
“Cannon, you are my every breath now. My personal oxygen that I can’t live without. I love you,” I admit.
I know without a doubt that I can never be without Cannon. He is the very breath in my lungs… the rhythm of my heart, and the song of my soul. I will love him until my last breath and even then, I will still love him.
28
Is this Real?
To say that it has been one of the best years of my life would be an understatement. Yes, we lost a critical person in our core group, but in a way, he is still with us. Through our triumphs and laughter, his spirit will live on with each one of us.
Parker has thrown herself into wedding planning, and I’m okay with that. She needed a distraction from all the heartache of this year. We all met for lunch, so I could announce who I wanted to be in the wedding, and the date. Cannon closed the bar for the day, so we could have a huge lunch with everyone to discuss plans and to be together.
“Collins and I are beyond excited to announce…” Cannon starts to say until my brother interrupts him.
“That I am going to an uncle?” he says jokingly. Everyone gasps looking to the both of us.
I am blushed beyond a red tomato.
“Shut the fuck up, Rogen,” Cannon says and then quickly apologizes for cussing in front of his mother.
“Anyway, we decided a date for the wedding. We both discussed how we don’t want to wait any longer to start our lives together, so we are getting married in two months, February to be exact,” he says smiling down at me.
I can hardly contain my excitement and happiness to be marrying the love of my life… and to now have so many people in my life that love me. The me that I was so scared to let out. These people have encouraged me to embrace who I am, and in doing that, I found love.
“Two months is not a long time to give a chance to plan for this, but good thing I have been researching for a couple of months already,” Parker says.
Cannon whipped his head around to his sister and quizzes her, “How have you been planning this for months? We only recently went public with our relationship.”
“I knew something was up when you defended her the night we all went out for Rain’s first night back. The way you both positioned yourselves around each other… it was like you were both magnets… Collins, you would move just the slightest, and Cannon would adjust himself just so he could stay close to you. Let me not forget the possessive acts of my dear brother. I’m surprised it took you both as long as it did. Since then, I have been researching different ideas for your wedding,” she says with a shrug.
“Also, the way you both looked at each other was a dead giveaway,” Rowan chirps in.
“We did not look at each other in any way,” I retort.
“For fuck sakes… You both looked at each other like you were trying to memorize every little detail of your faces. But, it was the heat and passion that gave it all away. Then, it grew more into a stare that was filled with so much love and hunger for one another. It made me fucking sick and frustrated,” she says to us.
Why did she say frustrated? What about our stares for one another was frustrating? Was she not happy for us? Did she have a thing for him?
As if she could hear the overanalyzing in my head going on, she tried to clarify what she meant, “What was so frustrating was the fact you both kept denying your love for one another. Do you know how much I want that very love? And you both have it but kept throwing it away like it was some random and meaningless thing.”
I never thought of it like that before she mentioned it. I guess I did look at Cannon like that, because sometimes, it felt like it was too good to be true. I thought at any moment that I would wake up and all of it would be gone.
“You’re absolutely right, Rowan. Sometimes, I feel like all of this… me and Cannon, is a dream. I never thought all this would be for me or in my cards,” I say a little teary eyed.
Cannon stroked my face. “I loved you before I ever knew it. My soul recognized yours instantly even though my mind says otherwise. You, Collins Danford, are my forever.”
29
Planning
Next couple of weeks flew by in a whirlwind of wedding planning and work. My nights were filled with lots of hangouts, but the end of the nights was the best. It was the time I got to spend with Cannon, and just relish in our alone time together. He made love to me every night, and when we were done, we would lay awake talking to one another about each other’s day. I kept falling more in love with this incredible man every day.
The only issue was with my parents, and it was still going unsolved, but I felt like it shouldn’t be my place to call them. I wasn’t the one that was wrong, or the one who acted oblivious to every damn thing.
“Sis, you just need to man up and call them… you are getting married next month. Don’t you want to at least try to settle y’all differences?” he says to me with all the seriousness in the world.
“What the crap, Rogen? I am the one who should call? She is the one who has literally never given a shit about either of us. She is also the one who wanted me to go to my ex-best friend’s wedding to my ex-boyfriend. This time, I am not going to be the one who fixes this,” I say angrier than ever.
He just looks at me for a second and tries to say something, but then quickly shuts his mouth.
“All I am saying is that you’re getting married… don’t you want your parents there?” he says quietly.
Of course I want my parents here… but they haven’t always been the nurturing and caring type. I just don’t know if I could handle another rejection from my own parents.
“Rogen, I just can’t be the one who reaches out again,” I say walking into my room.
I start to cry in frustration and hurt over my situation with my parents. I scream at the world with all the hurt and neglect that they ever made me feel.
Cannon rushes in and grabs me. I sob into his chest, because he is the only person who has ever made me feel completely safe.
He whispers words of care, and the promises of safety, “Shhh… I got you now. You are safe, love… let it all out.”
Finally, after what feels like hours… I begin to settle back down.
“Cannon, I am so sorry about that. I normally can hold it together,” I say hoping I didn’t just embarrass myself any more than I have already done.
“Love, we are a team now… partners, for lack of a better word for representation. When you feel this way, you should be able to tell me, and I you. Now, tell me, is this about your mother? Or something else?” he asks with a concerned voice.
“Yes, it’s about her. Rogen mentioned earlier that I should reach out to her, and try to mend things. But the thing is, I am always the one who reaches out and apologizes. Do you know when I was in high school that woman used to tell me that I was fat? That if only I would lose a couple of pounds, I would be at least decent looking. My own damn mother says that about me. But I made excuse after excuse for her. I am so tired of doing that… for living a lie,” I say with all the honesty in the world.
“I can’t tell you what to do or what to say, but I want you to know that I will support in no matter what you decide. I love you, my soon to be wife,” he says with so much happiness.
I�
��m meeting my girls today for a much-needed therapy session, because I need to figure out if I needed to be the one to reach out or let them be the ones to make the first move.
We were all meeting at Anastasia for lunch. I’m the first to get there, so I made sure to get a corner booth for privacy.
“There is the bride to be!” Parker says walking up to the booth.
“I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever. What have you been up to?” I ask as I’m leaning over to give her a hug.
Her eyes convey more than what she is speaking, “Oh, you know, working and planning the biggest wedding of the century.”
She sounds tired… tired of putting on a fake smile and having to make sure that she doesn’t drop the curtain to her shattered soul.
“Babe, you know that I am here for you always. If you need to stay with us, you are more than welcome,” I state.
She completely breaks down with tears streaming down her face. I didn’t realize how shattered she truly was.
“I am so sorry, Collins. We are supposed to be here to discuss your problem, and here I am making a big mess of things,” she says crying even more.
“No, Parker. I am sorry for not realizing it sooner. I have been such a terrible friend. I’m so sucked up in my life, and all the things that are changing, I didn’t see that my best friend needed me around more,” I say pulling her into a hug… crying my few shed of tears.
“Collins, it’s been so hard to just go into my flat. All the memories that were created and they are there… engraved into the walls… into our bed… I can still smell him, and when I really concentrate… I can hear his voice… his laughter. I can’t sleep knowing that when I wake up he won’t be there,” she states.
I’m already dialing my brother. “Rogen, will you go to Parker’s place and grab some of her things?”