Coming Up for Air

by Miranda Kenneally

  My guy friends walk a couple feet in front of me, waving at cheerleaders from other schools. Some give flirtatious smiles in return. I understand why; Hunter looks awfully good filling out his baseball uniform—jersey untucked, gray pants covered with red dirt, and Levi is in his athletic shorts, running tights, and that soft sweatshirt I want so bad. Last night after we made out in his bed, I put it on over my bra and underwear to tease him and told him I’m keeping it. He said I looked so sexy in it, he peeled it right back off me.

  Now? I’m pretty sure other girls find it sexy on him.

  One cheerleader wearing a tiny black and blue uniform that says Ravens bounces up in front of my friends. “Will you guys be cheering for me?”

  “You think I could be a cheerleader?” Levi flirts.

  Seeing him smile at another girl sets off firecrackers in my stomach. I’m surprised it hurts so much. Levi and I aren’t together, and I’ve never cared in the past whether he’s been interested in someone, but it seems I am now. I don’t want to imagine him kissing a girl like he kissed me last night. He’s not mine, but still.

  I groan under my breath.

  “What’s wrong?” Hunter asks me.

  “I’m hungry,” I lie, because people believe it when I make that excuse.

  “As soon as Levi’s ready, we’ll go to the concession stand.” Hunter gestures at our friend, who is still talking to the Ravens cheerleader. “He seems to be doing okay today.”

  “Huh?”

  “He’s been acting weird. Shelby’s cousin from Georgia is in town, and I asked him to go out with us tonight, but he said no. But he was interested when I showed him her picture a couple weeks ago.”

  Could that have something to do with me? “Really?”

  “Yeah. Do you think he’s depressed?”

  “Depressed? What? No.”

  “Good. It makes absolutely no sense that he won’t go out with Shelby’s cousin for one night. She’s smoking hot.”

  “He’s fine,” I grumble, imagining Levi on a date with another girl.

  “Something’s wrong with you too?”

  “No, we’re both fine.”

  Hunter turns to take in my face, blinking.

  I pull a deep breath. What made me think I could keep my arrangement with Levi a secret forever? Hunter may not know the specifics, but he understands us well enough to know when something’s off.

  If he questions me again, I’ll say I’m sad I didn’t make the US Junior National Team, which is true. It devastated me, even though it was a long shot. Only twenty-five people nationwide made it. The only good news is that when I looked up the team online, Roxy didn’t make it either. I grin evilly to myself.

  The concession stand only has greasy pizza and cotton candy, which won’t help me at practice later, so Levi pulls a protein bar from his backpack to tide me over.

  I take a seat between Levi and Hunter in the stands near the Hundred Oaks basketball and football teams. I love that all these guys came out to support the cheerleading squad. Levi’s thigh touches mine, but he makes no move to put space between us, even when Noah Thompson, a basketball player I’ve always been friendly with—but Levi can’t stand—turns around to talk to me.

  “Did you see the new Bond movie?” Noah asks.

  I shake my head.

  “Oh my God, you have to see it. First, Bond free jumps from a satellite in orbit above the earth and lands in the middle of Siberia. Then he stows away on a train into North Korea! Then he steals a nuke from the North Koreans! Then he does it with this lady from North Korea on the back of an ATV!”

  “What, you gonna tell her the whole movie?” Levi asks.

  “I’d rather she just go see it with me.” Noah gives me a not-so-subtle look.

  “She doesn’t like action movies,” Levi replies, rolling his eyes.

  “What crawled up your ass, Lucassen?” Noah snaps.

  Lucky for me Hundred Oaks is cheering next, distracting the guys from their pissing contest. When Georgia runs out onto the gym floor, Levi and Hunter jump to their feet, pumping their arms in the air.

  “Woooo! Georgia! Woooo!” Hunter yells.

  “Georgia!” I scream, clapping.

  Levi wolf-whistles.

  Our cheerleaders wave at our section and hop up and down. Dance music blasts from the speakers.

  The football and basketball players go nuts, holding up posters they made. Several football players—seven to be exact—rip off their shirts to reveal they’ve painted their chests. Together they spell 100 OAKS.

  “Ready, okay!” the cheerleaders yell in unison, clapping once.

  The routine starts with Georgia nailing a roundoff followed by three back handsprings and a back tuck. I spot David Cantor sitting a few rows away, cheering for Georgia. I nudge Levi and Hunter, pointing him out. Levi smiles a little because David is here; Hunter is wide-eyed.

  The cheerleaders fan out across the stage, doing splits and jumps and all sorts of other tricks that do not seem physically possible.

  When Georgia does a split, Noah turns around again. “The North Korean lady did the splits with James Bond in bed.”

  Levi flicks him in the forehead.

  It’s really fun, dancing along with the cheerleaders and the loud, rhythmic music. Levi puts an arm around my waist, pulling me closer, sliding his hand up and down my hip. My mind flashes to last night, when he took off every scrap of my clothing and rocked against me in his boxers. Is Levi thinking of it too? Oh my God, are we naughty dancing?

  Hunter happens to look over and see this, and I quickly step away from Levi. Hunter’s mouth falls open.

  The routine ends and we scream for Georgia.

  When we sit back down, Levi’s thigh touches mine as he leans over and says quietly in my ear, “You were making me hot.”

  “Like sweaty hot?” I joke.

  “No, like I want to take you under the bleachers hot.”

  My whole body is overcome by heat. I completely understand how he gets girls into closets so quickly. It’s that voice. Or is it because he’s like a Dutch sex god? Anyway, it’s difficult not to take him up on the offer.

  Hunter dips his head to speak with me. “I think I know why Levi’s not interested in Shelby’s cousin anymore. It’s because he wants to take you under the bleachers.”

  “It’s not polite to eavesdrop.” I lightly punch him in the thigh and expect him to make a joke, but he just sits there gripping his knees.

  While waiting to see who won the competition, we collect Georgia and go hang out in the lobby. When we arrived at Vanderbilt, sun streaked through the floor-to-ceiling windows. Now it’s starting to rain outside; water drips down the glass.

  I tell Georgia she did great, and she beams. Their performance made everybody from our school hyper—the football and basketball guys surround the cheerleaders, hugging them and hollering.

  Noah Thompson sees Levi giving Georgia a big hug and calls over at us, “Levi Lucassen rocks my world!” and Levi flips him off.

  I bend down to hug her too. Hunter stands there, not smiling. Georgia nudges his side. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

  “Does Georgia know something’s going on between you guys?” Hunter asks me and Levi.

  Georgia’s eyes grow huge as she glances between us. She jumps and claps as if doing one of her routines. “I knew you guys would get together one day!”

  She did? Levi and I just look at each other. At one time I think we would’ve cracked up, but not now.

  “We’re not together,” Levi says.

  Hunter crosses his arms. “But you’re fooling around?”

  “Who said anything about that?” I ask.

  “I’m not blind. I can tell something’s going on with you guys. And somebody’s going to get hurt.”

  “Nahhh,” Levi says, avoiding eye
contact with Hunter.

  “I like Shelby a lot more than she likes me. I can tell you it hurts.” His head droops, and Georgia places a hand on his arm. I knew what was happening with Shelby bothered him, but not this much.

  “I’ve been telling you,” Georgia starts, “You didn’t set limits on your relationship with Shelby. You should’ve said you wanted a relationship before you slept with her. By hooking up without the commitment, you set your own value short. She gets to be casual without having to be your girlfriend.”

  Hunter gives Georgia a hard stare. That was harsh, but friends should be straight with each other, and she’s not wrong. Giving without agreement sets you up for heartbreak.

  Right then, David appears beside our group, pushing his glasses up on his nose. “You did great,” he tells Georgia, wrapping an arm around her for a side hug.

  Levi gives David one of his guy handshakes and Hunter nods at him, but keeps a close watch on Georgia and David as they talk and smile at each other.

  “Why are you acting like a dad all of a sudden?” I ask Hunter.

  “If he hurts her,” Hunter mutters to me, “I’m going to rip out his spine.”

  “Down, boy,” I tease. I can understand why Hunter’s so protective. When that douchebag linebacker Kevin cheated on Georgia, Hunter spent a lot of time comforting her. Their friendship is a lot like mine and Levi’s. Or at least, the way ours used to be.

  After watching the cheerleading squad win the second place trophy, Levi and I go to our second practice of the day, but it’s hard to get Hunter out of my head. He was still acting pretty reserved when we left. Hooking up with Levi is risky, but I had no idea it might upset one of our friends. Plus, seeing Levi smile at the Ravens cheerleader felt crappy. All these thoughts and feelings distract me, making me sluggish in the pool.

  Coach chides me from the deck. “Let’s pick it up, Maggie! Pick it up!”

  I swim faster, but my heart isn’t all the way there. Between laps when I’m out of breath, clinging to the side of the pool, Levi glides up next to me and nudges my side. “You okay?”

  My nod back is a lie.

  It’s still raining after practice. As we’re leaving the Sportsplex, Levi opens an umbrella and holds it above our heads as we hurry to his truck. I let out a sigh of relief once we’re inside, dry and warm. Rain pelts the windshield, punctuating the silence between me and my best friend.

  On the way home in the pouring rain, Levi peers over at me from the driver’s seat.

  “I’m not hurting you, am I?” he asks.

  “What?”

  “You heard what Hunter said. He’s worried we’re going to get hurt.”

  I was pretty jealous when he talked to that other girl earlier, but if I tell him that, it could make things awkward between us, and that’s the last thing I need. I want us to stay normal.

  The windshield wipers are on high, going as fast as they go. Still, it’s tough to see through the storm.

  “Everything’s good,” I say. “Hunter’s overreacting because of Shelby.”

  “Yeah. You’re right.” Levi taps his fingers on the steering wheel. “I shouldn’t have said that about going under the bleachers.”

  “How could you know Hunter has superhuman hearing? I mean, I barely heard you.”

  We listen to a couple of songs on the radio, and I stare out the window at rainy, gray skies until he speaks again. “Maybe we should cool it from now on.”

  I twist to look at him. He’s chewing on his lower lip. I didn’t like him talking to that girl today, but it’s not like I’m in love with him. I enjoy being with my friend, hanging out, talking, and kissing. I really like the kissing. But is that because I like kissing? Or because I like him? Do they go hand in hand? I try to imagine myself kissing Hunter like we did a couple years ago in truth or dare. It does not entice me at all.

  I lean my head against the window.

  “Magpie?” he says.

  The last thing I want is to scare off my best friend. I told him this wouldn’t get weird.

  “Yeah, that’s fine,” I say a little louder than I would have liked. “Thanks for the lessons. They were illuminating.”

  He grins. “You’re welcome. Now you can hook up with Noah the basketball ignoramus.”

  “I think it’s you he wants. Remember earlier? Levi Lucassen rocks my world!” I mimic, and we crack up until he drops me off at my house.

  I go inside, hang my jacket in the foyer, and head into the kitchen where I find a note from Mom saying she and Dad won’t be back until after the sixteenth birthday party they’re catering. She left me some lasagna to heat up, but I’m not hungry.

  I climb the stairs to my room and sit down on my bed. From my nightstand, I pick up the picture of Levi and me that Dad took at the Speedo Classic in Daytona last year. Our arms are wrapped around each other and we’re smiling like we’ve won the Olympics. I run my fingers over his happy face, then place the photo back in its spot and lie down on my bed.

  See? I knew this would be fine. We hooked up and now we’re done. I know what an orgasm feels like now; I bet I could even give myself one. I have more experience.

  Nobody got hurt.

  So why do I feel like crawling under the covers and not coming out?

  Wildflowers

  Later that night I’m forced out from under the covers because Georgia texts me, saying she’s coming over.

  When I let her in my house, the skin under her eyes is puffy and pink.

  I give her a hug. “You okay?”

  “My mom was being terrible, as usual. She pointed out everything I did wrong in my routine today.”

  “You did great! And the team came in second. That’s all that matters, right?”

  “Not to Mom. I didn’t smile enough apparently.”

  “I saw your whole performance and you were totally smiling.”

  Georgia shuts her eyes. “I don’t know how to make my mom happy so she’ll leave me alone.”

  It’s hard to relate because my parents aren’t controlling at all. They want whatever I want, and I want to swim. I can’t imagine doing it because someone else demanded it of me, like how Jason’s father gets pissed when he comes in second, or the way Georgia’s mom critiques her every move when it comes to cheerleading.

  “You love cheering, right?” I ask.

  “More than anything.”

  “Then doing your best and having a good time is all that matters.”

  “It sucks having to listen to Mom tell me I’m not good enough.”

  “You should tell her that.”

  Georgia makes a guffawing noise. “As if she listens to a word I say.”

  I don’t know how to respond. “We need ice cream.”

  “Oh my god, yes. I’m starving. Mom’s still on the no-sugar diet.”

  Georgia helps me raid our fridge and then we climb the stairs to my room. There, I kick the clothes littering the floor out of our way, and move my gym bag, clearing a spot for her on my bed. Once we’re settled and listening to music, she doesn’t beat around the bush.

  “What’s going on with you and Leaves?” she asks through a mouthful of chocolate chip cookie dough.

  I wrap my arms around my shins and prop my chin on my knee.

  “You can talk to me.”

  “I know.”

  “So go ahead. ‘Levi and I…’” she starts.

  I take a deep breath. “Levi and I… I asked him to teach me how to fool around.”

  Her eyebrows shoot up toward the ceiling. “You just came right out and asked him that?”

  “Yup.”

  “And he said yeah?”

  “We talked about it first, but eventually, yeah, he said yes.”

  “That takes courage… How long have you been doing this?”

  “A few weeks.”
<
br />   She squeals. “Are you guys dating?”

  “No.”

  “And you’re okay with that?” Georgia cocks her head. “Don’t you want more?”

  Am I supposed to want more? I don’t know if I do. Why does my relationship with Levi have to be one thing or another? The way Georgia is questioning me, it’s like I’m doing something bad. But it’s my body, my life, my needs. And I’ve been happy.

  “I like what I had going with Levi.”

  “Had?”

  “Today after Hunter found out, Levi said we should probably stop.”

  “That stinks.” Sighing, Georgia scoops a big bite of ice cream into her mouth.

  “Hunter’s probably right. One of us will end up hurt.” And I’m afraid it might be me.

  “Seriously though. How was it?”

  I smile, remembering what it’s like to curl up with Levi. He makes me feel fun, sexy, and wanted all at once.

  “It was great,” I tell her, and she squeals again, wanting to know all the details. I give her a few—he’s a great kisser and knows what he’s doing with his hands—but the memories feel special, and I want to wrap them up in tissue paper and hide them deep in the memory box in my closet.

  She glances at me tentatively. “So you think it’s okay to experiment with a guy and not date him?”

  “It was working okay for us…and it felt amazing.”

  “God, my mom would kill me if I did that. And could you imagine what the people at church would say? I don’t understand how Hunter and Shelby have been doing the casual thing either. I guess I never figured it was an option for girls.”

  I get what she’s saying. There’s definitely a double standard. It seems guys can do whatever they want sexually because boys will be boys. But girls have every right to experiment too. Can’t girls be girls?

  I scoop a bite of ice cream. “I think you can experiment. But you both have to be on the same page, or I bet somebody will get hurt.”

  “So you and Leaves aren’t going to hook up anymore?” Her forehead crinkles.

  “I guess not.”

  “But think of all the cute, future Olympian babies you’d have!”

  My mouth falls open.