How to Cope With Narcissistic and Psychopathic Abusers and Stalkers

by Sam Vaknin

  When you are forced to meet him, do not discuss your personal affairs – or his.

  Relegate any inevitable contact with him – when and where possible – to professionals: your lawyer, or your accountant.

  The Three Forms of Closure

  For her traumatic wounds to heal, the victim of abuse requires closure - one final interaction with her tormentor in which he, hopefully, acknowledges his misbehaviour and even tenders an apology. Fat chance. Few abusers - especially if they are narcissistic - are amenable to such weakling pleasantries. More often, the abused are left to wallow in a poisonous stew of misery, self-pity, and self-recrimination.

  Depending on the severity, duration, and nature of the abuse, there are three forms of effective closure.

  Conceptual Closure

  This most common variant involves a frank dissection of the abusive relationship. The parties meet to analyze what went wrong, to allocate blame and guilt, to derive lessons, and to part ways cathartically cleansed. In such an exchange, a compassionate offender (quite the oxymoron, admittedly) offers his prey the chance to rid herself of cumulating resentment.

  He also disabuses her of the notion that she, in any way, was guilty or responsible for her maltreatment, that it was all her fault, that she deserved to be punished, and that she could have saved the relationship (malignant optimism). With this burden gone, the victim is ready to resume her life and to seek companionship and love elsewhere.

  Retributive Closure

  When the abuse has been "gratuitous" (sadistic), repeated, and protracted, conceptual closure is not enough. Retribution is called for, an element of vengeance, of restorative justice and a restored balance. Recuperation hinges on punishing the delinquent and merciless party. The penal intervention of the Law is often therapeutic to the abused.

  Some victims delude themselves into believing that their abuser is experiencing guilt and conscience pangs (which is rarely the case). They revel in his ostensible self-inflicted torment. His sleepless nights become their sweet revenge.

  Regrettably, the victim's understandable emotions often lead to abusive (and illegal) acts. Many of the tormented stalk their erstwhile abusers and take the law into their own hands.Abuse tends to breed abuse all around, in both prey and predator.

  Dissociative Closure

  Absent the other two forms of closure, victims of egregious and prolonged mistreatment tend to repress their painful memories. In extremis, they dissociate. The Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) - formerly known as "Multiple Personality Disorder" - is thought to be such a reaction. The harrowing experiences are "sliced off", tucked away, and attributed to "another personality".

  Sometimes, the victim "assimilates" his or her tormentor, and even openly and consciously identifies with him. This is the narcissistic defence. In his own anguished mind, the victim becomes omnipotent and, therefore, invulnerable. He or she develops a False Self. The True Self is, thus, shielded from further harm and injury.

  According to psychodynamic theories of psychopathology, repressed content rendered unconscious is the cause of all manner of mental health disorders. The victim thus pays ahefty price for avoiding and evading his or her predicament.

  Getting Help

  This article is meant to be a general guide to seeking and finding help. It does not contain addresses, contacts, and phone numbers. It is not specific to one state or country. Rather, it describes options and institutions which are common the world over. You should be the one to "fill in the blanks" and locate the relevant groups and agencies in your domicile.

  Your first "fallback" option is your family. They are, in many cases (though by no means always) your natural allies. They can provide you with shelter, money, emotional support, and advice. Don't hesitate to call on them in times of need.

  Your friends and, to a lesser extent, your colleagues and neighbours will usually lend you a sympathetic ear and will provide you with useful tips. Merely talking to them can not only ease the burden – but protect you from future abuse. Stalkers and paranoids thrive on secrecy and abhor public exposure.

  Regrettably, resorting to the legal system – your next logical step – is bound to be a disappointing, disempowering, and invalidating experience. I wrote about it extensively in the essay "Pathologizing the Victim".

  A 1997 Review Paper titled "Stalking (Part II) Victims' Problems With the Legal System and Therapeutic Considerations", Karen M. Abrams, MD, FRCPC1, Gail Erlick Robinson, MD, DPsych, FRCPC2 note:

  "Law-enforcement insensitivity toward domestic violence has already been well documented. Police often feel that, as opposed to serious crimes such as murder, domestic issues are not an appropriate police responsibility; 'private' misconduct should not be subject to public intervention, and, because few cases result in successful prosecution, pursuing domestic violence complaints is ultimately futile… This sense of futility, reinforced by the media and the courts, may be transmitted to the victim.

  In cases involving ex-lovers, the police may have equal difficulty in being sympathetic to the issues involved. As in the case of Ms A, society often views stalking as a normal infatuation that will eventually resolve itself or as the actions of a rejected lover or lovesick individual, more to be empathised with than censured (2). Victims often report feeling that the police and society blame them for provoking harassment or making poor choices in relationships. Authorities may have particular difficulty understanding the woman who continues to have ambivalent feelings toward the offender…

  In terms of the laws themselves, there is a history of ineffectiveness in dealing with crimes of stalking (1,5). The nature of the offences themselves makes investigations and prosecution difficult, because surveillance and phone calls often have no witnesses. Barriers to victims using civil actions against stalkers include dangerous time delays and financial requirements. Temporary restraining orders or peace bonds have been used most commonly and are generally ineffective, partly because law-enforcement agencies have limited resources to enforce such measures. Even if caught, violators receive, at most, minimal jail time or minor monetary penalties. Sometimes the offender just waits out the short duration of the order. Persistent, obsessed stalkers are usually not deterred."

  Still, it is crucial that you document the abuse and stalking and duly report them to the police and to your building security. If your stalker is in jail, you should report him to thewardens and to his parole officer. It is important to resort to the courts in order to obtain restraining or cease and desist orders. Keep law enforcement officers and agencies fully posted. Don't hesitate to call upon them as often as you need to. It is their job. Hire a security expert if the threat is credible or imminent.

  You are well advised to rely on professional advice throughout your prolonged and arduous disentanglement from your paranoid and stalking ex. Use attorneys, accountants, private detectives, and therapists to communicate with him. Consult your lawyer (or, if you can't afford one, apply for a pro bono lawyer provided by a civic association, or your state's legal aid). Ask him or her what are your rights, what kinds of legal redress you have, what safety precautions you should adopt – and what are the do's and don't do's of your situation.

  Especially important is to choose the right therapist for you and for your children. Check whether he or she has any experience with victims of stalking and with the emotional effects of constant threat and surveillance (fear, humiliation, ambivalence, helplessness, paranoid ideation). Stalking is a traumatic process and you may need intervention to ameliorate the post traumatic stress effects it wreaks.

  Join online and offline groups and organisations for victims of abuse and stalking. Peer support is critical. Helping others and sharing experiences and fears with other victims is a validating and empowering as well as a useful experience. Realising that you are not alone, that you are not crazy, and that the whole situation is not your fault helps to restore your shattered self-esteem and puts things in perspective.

  The social ser
vices in your area are geared to deal with battering and stalking. They likely run shelters for victims of domestic violence and abuse, for instance.

  Domestic Violence Shelters

  Shelters are run, funded, and managed either by governments or by volunteer non-government organisations. According to a 1999 report published by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, there are well over 2000 groups involved in sheltering abused women and their off-spring.

  Before you opt for moving with your children into a sheltered home or apartment, go through this check list.

  1. It is important to make sure that the philosophy of the organisers of the shelters accords with your own. Some shelters, for instance, are run by feminist movements and strongly emphasise self-organisation, co-operation, and empowerment through decision-making. Other shelters are supervised by the Church or other religious organisations and demand adherence to a religious agenda. Yet others cater to the needs of specific ethnic minorities or neighbourhoods.

  2. Can you abide by the house rules? Are you a smoker? Some shelters are for non-smokers. What about boyfriends? Most shelters won't allow men on the premises. Do you require a special diet due to medical reasons? Is the shelter's kitchen equipped to deal with your needs?

  3. Gather intelligence and be informed before you make your move. Talk to battered women who spent time in the shelter, to your social worker, to the organisers of the shelter. Check the local newspaper archive and visit the shelter at least twice: in daytime and at night.

  4. How secure is the shelter? Does it allow visitation or any contact with your abusive spouse? Does the shelter have its own security personnel? How well is the shelter acquainted with domestic violence laws and how closely is it collaborating with courts, evaluators, and law enforcement agencies? Is recidivism among abusers tracked and discouraged? Does the shelter have a good reputation among them? You wouldn't want to live in a shelter that is shunned by the police and the judicial system.

  5. How does the shelter tackle the needs of infants, young children, and adolescents? What are the services and amenities it provides? What things should you bring with you when you make your exit – and what can you count on the shelter to make available? What should you pay for and what is free of charge? How well-staffed is the shelter? Is the shelter well-organised? Are the intake forms anonymous?

  6. How accessible is the shelter to public transport, schooling, and to other community services?

  7. Does the shelter have a batterer intervention program or workshop and a women's support group? In other words, does it provide counselling for abusers as well as ongoing succour for their victims? Are the programs run only by volunteers (laymen peers)? Are professionals involved in any of the activities and, if so, in what capacity (consultative, supervisory)?

  Additionally, does the shelter provide counselling for children, group and individual treatment modalities, education and play-therapy services, along with case management services?

  Is the shelter associated with outpatient services such vocational counselling and job training, outreach to high schools and the community, court advocacy, and mental health services or referrals?

  8. Most important: don't forget that shelters are a temporary solution. These are transit areas and you are fully expected to move on. Not everyone is accepted. You are likely to be interviewed at length and screened for both your personal needs and compatibility with the shelter's guidelines. Is it really a crisis situation, are your life or health at risk – or are you merely looking to "get away from it all"? Even then, expect to be placed on a waiting list. Shelters are not vacation spots. They are in the serious business of defending the vulnerable.

  When you move into a shelter, you must know in advance what your final destination is. Imagine and plan your life after the shelter. Do you intend to relocate? If so, would you need financial assistance? What about the children's education and friends? Can you find a job? Have everything sorted out. Only then, pack your things and leave your abuser.

  Planning and Executing Your Getaway

  Do not leave unprepared. Study and execute every detail of your getaway. This is especially important if your partner is violent. Be sure to make a Safety Plan – how to get out of the house unnoticed and the indispensable minimum items that you should carry with you, even on a short notice.

  Here are the recommendations of the Province of Alberta in Canada:

  Long before you actually leave, copy all important documents and store them in a safe place. These include: identity cards, health care and social insurance or security Cards, driver's license/registration, credit cards and bank cards, other personal identification (including picture ID), birth certificate, immunisation card for the children, custody order, personal chequebook, last banking statement, and mortgage papers. Make a list of all computer passwords and access codes (for instance: ATM PINs).

  When you leave the house, take with you these copied documents as well as the following personal items: prescribed medication, personal hygiene products, glasses/contact lenses, money (borrow from family members, a neighbour, colleague, or friends, if you have to), several changes of clothing (don't forget night wear and underwear), heirlooms, jewellery, photo albums (pictures that you want to keep), craft, needle work, hobby work.

  The situation is inevitably more complicated if you are fleeing with your children. In this case, be sure to bring with you their various medications, soother, bottles, favourite toy or blanket, and clothing (again: night wear, underwear). Older kids may carry their own clothes and school books.

  Make a list of the following and have it on you at all times: addresses and phone numbers of domestic violence shelters, police stations, night courts, community social services, schools in the vicinity, major media, and address and phone and fax numbers of your lawyer and his attorneys. Secure a detailed public transportation map.

  Your best bet is to apply to a shelter for a safe place to stay the first few days and nights. Read more about shelters here – Domestic Violence Shelters.

  If you can afford to, your next step should be to hire a divorce attorney and file for interim custody. Your divorce papers can be served much later. Your first concern is to keep the children with you safely and legally. Your husband is likely to claim that you have kidnapped them.

  But your escape should be only the tip of a long period of meticulous preparations.

  We already mentioned that you should make copies of all important documents [see above]. Don't escape from your predicament penniless! Secretly put aside cash for an Escape Fund. Your husband is likely to block your checking account and credit cards. Ask around where you can stay the first week. Will your family or friends accept you? Apply to a domestic violence shelter and wait to be accepted. Be sure to know where you are going!

  Make extra sets of keys and documents. Bundle these up with some clothes and keep these "reserve troves" with friends and family. Put one such "trove" in a safety deposit box and give the key to someone you trust. Secure transportation for the day or night of escape. Agree on codes and signals with friends and family ("If I don't call you by 10 PM, something has gone wrong", "If I call you and say that Ron is home, call the police").

  You should wait until he is gone and only then leave home. Avoid confrontation over your departure. It can end badly. Do not inform him of your plans. Make excuses to slip away in the days and months before you actually leave. Get him used to your absence.

  Leveraging the Children

  The abuser often recruits his children to do his bidding. He uses them to tempt, convince, communicate, threaten, and otherwise manipulate his target, the children's other parent or a devoted relative (e.g., grandparents). He controls his - often gullible and unsuspecting - offspring exactly as he plans to control his ultimate prey. He employs the same mechanisms and devices. And he dumps his props unceremoniously when the job is done - which causes tremendous (and, typically, irreversible) emotional hurt.

  Co-opting

>   Some offenders - mainly in patriarchal and misogynist societies – co-opt their children into aiding and abetting their abusive conduct. The couple's children are used as bargaining chips or leverage. They are instructed and encouraged by the abuser to shun the victim, criticize and disagree with her, withhold their love or affection, and inflict on her various forms of ambient abuse.

  As I wrote in Abuse by Proxy:

  "Even the victim's (children) are amenable to the considerable charm, persuasiveness, and manipulativeness of the abuser and to his impressive thespian skills. The abuser offers a plausible rendition of the events and interprets them to his favor. The victims are often on the verge of a nervous breakdown: harassed, unkempt, irritable, impatient, abrasive, and hysterical.

  Confronted with this contrast between a polished, self-controlled, and suave abuser and his harried casualties – it is easy to reach the conclusion that the real victim is the abuser, or that both parties abuse each other equally. The prey's acts of self-defense, assertiveness, or insistence on her rights are interpreted as aggression, lability, or a mental health problem."

  This is especially true with young - and, therefore vulnerable - offspring, particularly if they live with the abuser. They are frequently emotionally blackmailed by him ("If you want daddy to love you, do this or refrain from doing that"). They lack life experience and adult defenses against manipulation. They may be dependent on the abuser economically and they always resent the abused for breaking up the family, for being unable to fully cater to their needs (she has to work for a living), and for "cheating" on her ex with a new boyfriend or husband.

  Co-opting The System

  The abuser perverts the system - therapists, marriage counselors, mediators, court-appointed guardians, police officers, and judges. He uses them to pathologize the victim and to separate her from her sources of emotional sustenance - notably, from her children. The abuser seeks custody to pain his ex and punish her.