by Blair Grey
Living life while watching my back constantly wasn’t a thing I wanted to even try to do. I’d made the mistake; I would take the consequences for my actions.
With a heavy heart, I went to the kitchen finding Carl had already done everything. It smelled like Heaven. But I didn’t tell him that as I took a seat, quickly draining the orange juice from the small glass sitting there.
“Thirsty, huh?” He smiled as he filled the glass back up. Looking at me for a long moment, he sighed. “You’re looking pretty fucking hot this morning. I think spending time with me agrees with you.”
I couldn’t say a thing. Looking past him, I asked, “So, is it ready to eat?
Turning away from me, he went to grab the plates that sat on the countertop. “Yeah, it’s ready. Strawberry, banana crepes with freshly whipped cream.”
As soon as he put the plate down, I began eating so I didn’t have to talk. He took the seat across from me, his expression a little confused. I couldn’t blame him for feeling that way. I had thrown myself at him the day before and now I was all but ignoring the man.
We ate in silence as the coldness I tried to give off spread out like a virus. Carl’s posture was rigid, his breathing became shallow. It had worked. I had made him feel uneasy about me, about us and the things we’d done.
I’d witnessed my father sending the coldness out to many women in my lifetime. I knew exactly how to do it. I’d done it many times myself. It was one of the things I was best at- icing people out.
“So, did you like it?” he asked as I got up with my empty plate in hand.
I went to the sink and washed it. The truth was that I had never tasted anything so light yet filling in my life. Carl knew his way around a kitchen. Just one more thing that made him a complete catch. “What’s not to like? It’s thin pancakes.”
“It’s a bit more than that but okay.” He got up, coming up behind me.
Quickly exiting the space so he could wash his own plate, I went to the living room and turned on the television. Propping my feet up, I put my hands on my stomach and leaned my head on the back of the couch.
Leaning on the door frame that separated the living area from the dining area, he crossed his arms as he looked at me. “Tired?”
“Yep.” I didn’t look at him as I kept changing the channels.
“You seem like you’d like to be alone.” He read me well.
“Yep.”
With a loud sigh, he turned and left me alone. I had known he would do that. I had known he wouldn’t push me to talk, to share my feelings, to find out what was wrong with me.
I knew what he would do because that’s what they all had done. I wasn’t worth anyone’s time when it came to finding out why I had suddenly shut down. I wasn’t sure if that was because I did it so effectively or if no one wanted to go through any trouble to find out why I’d closed myself off.
Whatever the reason, it had worked.
I kinda wish it hadn’t though.
Chapter Eleven
Carl
Taking a cup of coffee, I went outside to gather my thoughts on why Britt acted the way she had. We’d had one awesome night of not only passion, but I felt like we’d gotten closer as well.
We’d just held each other at the end of some off the charts sex. And I’d whispered things in her ear, trying to convey my affection for her as we fell asleep. I thought we’d taken a pretty giant leap into becoming something more than a kidnapper and his victim.
I supposed I’d been wrong. I supposed the woman must’ve just been horny for sex and since she and I had already gone that route before, I was the easiest target. It shouldn’t have bothered me as much as it did to be used for sex. I’d done plenty of that in my time since my wife had died.
Karma is a fucking asshole of a bitch!
Maybe I did have it coming. Maybe the women I’d used in the last couple of years deserved their karmic revenge on me. The thing was, I hadn’t even realized that any of them had wished bad things on me in the first place.
Have I left some woman’s heart broken?
Not one of the five women I’d had anything to do with, sexually speaking, in the last two years had ever acted like they wanted more from me than what I was willing to give them.
But these were biker chicks that I’d been seeing. Biker chicks don’t often ask for much from men like me. They tended to sit back and see what we wanted from them. And I hadn’t found one of them to be the person I wanted to do much more with than fuck now and then.
Looking at it in that way made me feel a little bad about what I’d done to the women I’d known for years. I hadn’t taken any of them out on a real date. I hadn’t even had any of them over for a meal I’d cooked at my place.
But with Britt, I’d already made lots of special meals for her. Not that she’d shown a whole lot of appreciation for any of them – especially the crepes I’d made that morning.
I’d never dealt with a person like Britany Kelly before in my entire life. I wasn’t sure how to handle her, or if I even could do a thing like that. She had a complex background that I couldn’t even comprehend. How was I to ever figure out how to make her understand that I thought she was special?
What if she doesn’t even care if I think she’s special?
That’s the way she’d made me feel. Even though she’d been the one to make the first move the day before, she ended up making me feel like I wasn’t a person she felt like being around this morning.
And I wasn’t the type of man who hung around when he wasn’t wanted either. So, I pulled out my cell and made a call. “Yeah, I’m here with her. How about you come and stay for a while?”
“Will do, boss,” Lucas agreed.
I’d called him for a reason. Britt talked to him more than she did to me. He knew things about her mental state that I didn’t. Maybe he could help her. If she’d let him.
They’d had a couple of weeks of intense therapy and so far she still didn’t seem phased by any of it. Not that I understood how long something like that took before you could see results in a person.
Who am I kidding? I’m not cut out for this shit.
The sex was great – better than great – but I was trying to downplay it in my mind now. Most of the time we got along fantastically. But when we didn’t - we didn’t get along at all.
Britt was a rollercoaster ride that I felt too damn old to try to stay on anymore. I had women at my beck and call. A snap of my fingers had any woman I wanted bending to my will.
I don’t need her. And I don’t need this headache.
I stayed outside until Lucas arrived. My coffee had gone as cold as Britt’s heart as I waited in the cool morning air. As he got off his bike and came toward me, he sensed my ill mood. “What’s going on?”
Lucas had cautioned me against getting involved with Britt. So, I knew I had it coming but I had to tell someone. “Look, I know what you’re going to say, and I really don’t want to hear it. But I’ve got to tell someone about this, and it might as well be you, chap.”
“You’ve slept with her, haven’t you?” He sighed and crossed his arms over his chest. “And this isn’t the first time, is it?”
“No, it’s not.” I looked away as the condemnation in his eyes wasn’t an easy thing to see. “The first night and last night. That’s it and that’s all there’s ever gonna be. She’s fucked up.”
“Yes, I know.” He nodded as his eyes went to the backdoor. “What did she do?”
“She’s acting cold. And I didn’t do her wrong, chap. I mean, I was kind and caring. I made her my famous crepes this morning too. And she didn’t act like she even cared for them. Everyone loves my crepes. There’s no way in the hell that she didn’t like them.” I felt my blood beginning to boil. “She’s just being a jackass on purpose. And I think that’s so immature of her.”
“Yeah, you’re right, it is,” he agreed.
I hadn’t thought he would actually be on my side. “So, you agree with me?”
“Uh, yeah.” I thought that any woman would be over the moon for me to show them all the affection and attention I’d shown Britt.
“Um, no,” Lucas informed me. “She’s got tons of mental blocks. Trusting someone isn’t a thing that’s ever going to come easy for her. Hell, it may never come at all. She can’t trust her own father. Think about that for a minute.”
“Yeah, she can’t trust that blood-thirsty, cock-sucker. But I’m not him.” I threw up my hands and paced around the small yard.
“It wouldn’t matter who you are, Carl,” he let me know. “It could be anyone. She can’t trust anyone since she can’t trust her own father. Think about the way she’s been treated. And all we know so far is what she’s felt comfortable enough to tell us. Think about all the things she doesn’t feel comfortable enough to say out loud. Think about all the dark and terrifying things she’s witnessed and has been done to her.”
For a moment all I saw was black. “I want to kill him. I want to string him up and watch him die for what he’s done to her.”
“And what good would that do her, may I ask?” He looked at me with wide eyes. “If you kill the president of our biggest rival, you will start a war that will end us all.”
“I’m not exactly a novice at this type of thing, chap.” It bothered me a little that he didn’t have much faith in me. “But my thing is this. Will his death make her feel any better?”
“Why would it?” He looked up at the sky, spreading his arms open. “Tell me, Carl, since your father’s death have you gotten over the things he did to ruin your mother’s life and yours?”
I liked to believe I had. But when I took the time to think about it, I still hated the man. “I don’t live my life in fear of what he’s going to do next anymore. That’s something right there, chap. Up until the day he died, I had to worry about when the other shoe would drop for me and my mother. Since his death, I know there will be no shoe dropping and that life will finally be whatever I make of it and it will stay that way.”
“Even if she no longer had to fear her father, he lives in her head. It’s not like a vacuum that takes all the bad a person has ever done with them when they go. They leave that horrible legacy behind – in the people who’s lives they melded with.”
“So, what you’re saying is that there is nothing I can do to make Britt a better person?” I didn’t like that idea at all. I truly thought that ridding the world of her father would be at least enough to get her to see that she could live the way she wanted to without living in fear of him.
“Is that what she has to be for you to want to be with her?” he asked with a grim expression. “Because, if you need her to be something other than she is, then you’re not right for her in the first place. She’s not going to be easy, Carl. Life with her will be a real shot in the arm at times – most times. May I ask you why you have even entertained thoughts of being with her?”
“We get along great most of the time. And we get along excellently in bed. There’s something about her that stirs my heart in a way no one or nothing ever has. I have this desire for her that isn’t all sexually motivated.” I’d never felt the way I felt about Britt. But I’d also never been so confused about anyone in my life. “I think I just need to take a break from her.”
“I think that’s an excellent idea. And I’d also like to know what you’ve decided about taking that vote about getting her out of the state.” He was set on getting her out of Baltimore.
“She doesn’t want to go. I had no idea that you hadn’t spoken to her about it. But she doesn’t wish to leave.” I wasn’t sure that her leaving wouldn’t be a good thing for her and for me. Distance might help me forget about how I felt about her.
“She doesn’t want to go?” He seemed rather stupefied. “So, what does she think she is to do when she’s released?”
“I don’t know.” We had gotten on to other things and left that conversation behind us. “But you should try to talk her into it.”
“I will. I really thought she’d be overjoyed by what I’d found for her. It’s a new life, new job – honest work – good pay, that she gets to keep for herself, not hand over to her father.” He sat down on one of the lawn chairs. “If she doesn’t want to leave, she isn’t thinking straight. We might have to call in a certified therapist for her, Carl.”
“Do what you feel you need to do, Lucas. I’m going to leave her up to you. I thought I had a soul of armor. I think she put a chink in it this morning with her cold behavior.” Leaving her without saying goodbye wasn’t a thing I wanted to do. “I’m going to go back inside and get the rest of my things and tell her goodbye. I want to give her a chance to say she’s sorry or something.”
“She might say it, Carl. But this won’t stop. She’s incapable of trust and that’s not your fault.” He walked into the house ahead of me. “Brittany, how’re you doing today my dear?”
I heard her bare feet as she walked toward the kitchen. The smile she wore quickly faded as she saw me standing there too. “I’m fine, chap. How’re you?”
“Fine as well.” He looked at the kitchen, finding the place spotless. “I thought I would have one of the riders bring in some barbeque for our lunch today. How does that sound to you, Brittany?”
“Great. I love brisket and sausage.” She moved to the fridge and got out a beer, popping it open. “I’ll be in my room if you need me.”
“Hey, Britt,” I called out.
She stopped then turned to look at me. “Yeah?”
“I’m going to head out. I’ve got some things I need to deal with. You okay with that?” I hoped she would say she wasn’t okay with me leaving and that we should talk. Which I would agree to.
“You do what you have to do, Carl. Don’t let me get in your way.” And then she turned around and kept on walking.
I couldn’t help myself and took five long steps to get in front of her. “Goodbye then.”
“Goodbye.” She stepped around me, then went into the bedroom, closing the door behind her.
Fighting the urge to break down the door and go inside to yell at her about what the fuck was wrong with her, I walked away, head down, heart-pounding, soul-shattering.
Carl put his hand on my shoulder before I got out the door. “Don’t let it get to you. She would be doing this to anyone. It’s not like she can help it. She’s really damaged, Carl. The sooner you realize that the easier this will be.”
I was done. I didn’t need it to get any easier. “Whenever she says she’s ready to accept your offer or she comes up with something else she wants, let me know. I’ll call a meeting and we’ll take a vote whenever that is. I’m done here, chap. This isn’t the kind of situation I sit around and deal with.”
Nodding, he took his hand off my shoulder. “No, I get it. Anyway, you two don’t need to be together. She’s been hurt so much, and you’ll only hurt her even more.”
I didn’t know how I could hurt her more than her piece of shit father could, but I wasn’t going to argue with Lucas about it. “She’s too much for me or any man to take on.”
“At this time she is. You’re exactly right. Now, go home and chill out. Maybe go to our bar and play some pool with the guys. Maybe take a long ride with some of our brothers. Don’t let this sink in and make you feel bad. You’ve learned something from this experience, no doubt. It wasn’t a total loss for you, brother.”
“Yeah.” I didn’t know what I’d learned, except that there were people out there who had no business being parents. Arthur Kelly had ruined his daughter. And he’d meant to do it too. That was what made it impossible to forgive him. He’d meant to ruin her. He’d meant to make her feel worthless. He’d meant for her never to be able to trust that anyone could feel a thing for her.
As I walked
to get onto my bike, I wondered if grand gestures like flowers and chocolates would do the trick. Will a romantic getaway make Britt finally be able to trust that I care for her?
As I got onto my bike then strapped on my helmet I knew I couldn’t do anything to make her trust my feelings for her. And what was worse, I couldn’t trust myself to be able to commit to the woman. And if I couldn’t do that, then I might walk away from her one day and then she would know – without a doubt – that no one could be trusted where her heart and feelings were concerned.
I had to leave her alone. Not just for my own well-being but for hers too.
Britt was severely damaged. If I didn’t love her unconditionally, then I would only damage her even more. She didn’t deserve that. She didn’t deserve a man like me – a man who couldn’t commit to a lifetime of love for her – to ruin her life even further than her father already had.
As I drove out of the driveway, I noticed the curtain in her room move. Her dark eyes stared out at me and she lifted one hand. I nodded back at her as I left.
For a second, I felt that I should go back. I felt that I should walk back into that room, pick her up in my arms and tell her that there was nothing she could do to make me leave her. There was nothing she could do to make me stop wanting her. There was nothing that I wouldn’t do for her. And I would help her and get her all the help she needed to get through this life without having to try to hold her head above water all the time.
But I kept driving anyway.
Goodbye, Britt.
Chapter Twelve
Brittany
A week had passed without Carl coming by even once to check on me. I sat cross-legged on the bed, playing Solitaire with a pack of cards I’d found in one of the kitchen drawers. I’d been playing nearly non-stop since he’d left.
It was my fault he had left me. There was no reason to blame him. I’d gone back and forth in my mind – being mad at him for leaving, then being mad at myself for pushing him away. The thing was, that it was for the best anyway.