by Blair Grey
Lucas had put hard pressure on me to take the offer of moving to upstate New York to take a job as a housekeeper for his niece who ran some apartment complex there. The job came with a small efficiency apartment that was completely furnished. He would even make sure I got a mode of transportation and everything I would need to begin a new life.
I should’ve been happy, and I should’ve taken him up on the offer any person in their right mind would’ve taken already. Only I wasn’t exactly in my right mind.
Fighting an internal battle between turning myself over to my father upon my release, and just leaving on my own, without anyone at all knowing where I’d be going, I hadn’t made any decision yet. And my time was quickly running out.
Carl’s MC had told my father’s MC that they would keep me only a month. There was a week left in that timeframe. Soon, I would be set free. Without a decision made for myself, I had no idea what the Iron Cobras would feel they had to do with me.
I wasn’t afraid of them hurting me in any way. But I was afraid that they would give up on me and just tell me to go if I didn’t pick something. What I would do after that, I had no idea.
I’d never been any good at making decisions. Maybe that was because I’d never been allowed to make any. It wasn’t like my father had ever asked me what I would like to do, eat, read, watch. He picked everything. But there I was, blaming him for how I turned out again.
Lucas had given me several books on helping myself. The main idea in this line of therapy was rebooting my brain, leaving out all the negative things that had happened to me in the past.
And that sounded awesome. So, I let Lucas perform some exercises with me to see if we could actually reboot my brain. And at first, it seemed like it was working.
The number one thing was not to blame one’s parents or past for how they were at the present. So, I’d refrained from doing that at all. I was to look only at the future and leave the past right where it belonged – in the past.
It sounded great. I could merely go on and move on with my life the way I wanted it to be. And for most people, I was sure this type of thing would work. But my life was a bit different than theirs. Mine had a big bad wolf who really existed and was set on punishing me for what I’d done to make his life a little uncomfortable for a matter of a month.
What my absence had caused for my father and the Irish Reapers was exactly this: They had to call off their FBI watchdogs from nosing around the Iron Cobras’ businesses. The money I would’ve made at the massage parlor was also a thing my father had lost. Other than that, nothing had changed in any of their lives.
Not a damn thing.
But for my stupidity of getting myself kidnapped, I would be punished so severely that it might actually mean death for me. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t a thing that I could simply tell myself was in the past and not part of my new future.
Lucas had argued with me that my future could be in another state where my father nor his MC would ever find me. The decision was all mine and I was failing to make any decision at all. I was forcing my past down my own throat. I was forcing a future of despair that held tightly to my past.
As hard as I tried to get my mind to wrap around that, it wouldn’t.
Sitting there, I heard a distant roar that reminded me of something. Harleys!
Jumping up, I ran to the window, barely opening the curtain enough to see out of it. The sounds got closer and closer until the first bike came by the house, driving away from me. More and more bikes came behind that one, shaking the glass panes in the old window frames.
Evening sun threw shadows on the people who rode the Harley’s. At first, I couldn’t make out who rode past the house. But then the sun moved just a bit and the Irish Reaper patch glowed in the yellow light.
I fell to the floor, barely able to breathe at all. My heart pounded and my head spun. Are they coming for me?
The bedroom door flew open and my eyes went wide as Lucas and their club’s enforcer, Lyle burst in. Since I was already on the floor, Lucas moved his body to cover mine as Lyle stood over us, his gun drawn as he kept an eye on the riders who moved rather slowly in front of the house.
Lyle huffed. “They’re not even looking this direction. I think this is merely a coincidence.”
“I hope so,” Lucas said as he looked at me. “You okay?”
“I think so.” My heart felt as if it might pound out of my chest. “I might be having a heart attack though.”
His smile was calming, as it always was. He ran one hand through my hair. “I’m sure that’s just caused from the excitement of hearing those bikes.”
“And seeing my father’s MC driving just outside my window didn’t help.”
“You looked out the window?” Lucas frowned at me. “You shouldn’t have done that. What if one of them had been looking for you, Brittany? You’re going to have to be more careful. And absolutely no going outside since this has happened.”
“Yeah, I agree.” I knew I had to come to a decision about what I wanted to do. The men watching over me were putting their lives on the line and if anything happened to any of them it would further destroy me.
When the last of them were far enough away that we no longer heard the sounds of their powerful engines, Lyle moved away from the window, putting his gun into the holster behind his back. “I’ll go outside and take a look around and check the security camera up front to see if any of them even looked this way.”
Lucas got up, holding out his hand to help me up. “I think everything’s fine now, Brittany. Come on, let’s go make a pizza or something.”
Following behind him, I knew I had to make a decision. “Lucas, I’ve been putting this off for too long. It’s time I come to a decision. I think the reason I’m not real happy about leaving Baltimore has more to do with Carl than it has to do with anything else. I want to move on, I really do. But I want to move on with him.”
His heavy sigh told me he didn’t think that was a good idea at all. “Look, Brittany, I know you like him. But he hasn’t come around here for a good reason. He doesn’t have it in him to deal with what comes along with you.”
I took a seat at the table as Lucas pulled a frozen pizza out of the freezer. “You see since I’ve been reading all those self-help books, I think I’ve found out lots about myself that I hadn’t realized before. I hang onto the things that have happened to me like it’s some sort of a lifeline. It’s not that at all. It’s actually a death-line. And I pushed Carl away on purpose, so I could continue to hang onto that death-line.”
“I think that’s some great progress, Brittany.” Lucas put the pizza into the convection oven over the stove. “But the important thing here is to not use another person to become a part of your recovery. You have to do this for you and no one else.”
“I know that. But I know that I want that man in my life in some capacity. At least as my friend. He’s a good man. I’ve been trying to believe that he’s not and that he’s only pretending. I think if I see him most days that I’ll begin to believe that there are good men in this world. If I try to do this alone, I will only continue to believe what I have seen.” I hoped he understood what I was trying to say.
It was difficult to put all my ideas and feelings into words. But I had to try. Lucas was the only real hope of getting Carl to talk to me again. I knew I had to apologize for how I’d treated him. But I had to do more than just that. I had to hamper my instincts in the first place. I had to go against my norm and not listen to the things my mind told me.
Lucas came to sit at the table with me, running his hands through his hair as he seemed to be trying to figure out how to get through to me. “Brittany, you can simply watch television to find good people in the world. You can join groups in upstate New York where you’ll interact with good people.”
Lucas wasn’t thinking clearly about who I was and how I was raised. “In case you’ve missed this about me, chap, I’m not exactly one of those ladies who go to church or other
social functions. I don’t have it in me to be that kind of woman.” He needed to know what I liked and the type of life I wanted to live. “I love riding on the back of a bike. I love the way the wind feels as it moves around my body. I love the smells of the outdoors combined with the exhaust the Harley’s put out. When a group of bikers fills a room, I love the scents that combine to make me giddy and excited.”
The convection oven dinged, and he got up to check on the pizza. “Well, you have similar tastes to mine then. And I can understand your lack of enthusiasm about hanging out with people who could never understand you and who you could never understand. I’ve been trying to turn you into a person that you’re not. I’ve just realized that, and I should apologize for it.”
“It’s okay. I know you meant well by it, Lucas. You’re a great guy. You wouldn’t do anything to hurt me. I know that. But I just wanted you to know that the life you’ve lined up for me isn’t going to be one that I’ll be happy in. I can see that already.” But there still had to be something for me to do with myself, other than go back to my father. “Do you think we can come up with some other idea?”
Pulling the pizza out of the oven, he slid it onto a cutting board. “We have our sister MCs that might work with us in taking you in. As long as we get you away from Baltimore you’ll be safer than if you were here.”
The harsh reality of things hit me all at once. As long as my father still lived, I would never be out of danger. And there was only one man I truly trusted to protect me. Carl was the name that came up every single time I had inner thoughts at all. “Lucas, do you think there’s any way in hell that Carl and I could be together right here in Baltimore? My father is powerful but so is Carl.”
The way Lucas’ forehead creased told me he wasn’t happy that I wouldn’t let go of Carl. “I don’t want to speak on behalf of my MC president, Brittany. I have no idea if he wants the same things you want. And you have to have a backup plan that doesn’t include him.”
As much as I hated that fact, he was right. “Okay, how about this? If Carl doesn’t want to see if he and I could work things out, then I could go to one of your sister MCs anywhere that would take me in.”
Lucas still looked grim. “You have to realize that a female coming into the – what some of the men in MCs call – a harem, means that you will have to fight with the other females to gain your place amongst them. That’s precisely why I made the plans I had. I don’t want to see you hurt any more than you’ve already been, Brittany.”
So, being with Carl was about it then. Not that I was afraid of a fight. I’d been in many. But fighting to be in a place I didn’t really care to be in wasn’t a thing I felt like doing.
I didn’t want to put Carl in the position of knowing that I wanted to be with him, or I would go face my father and take what he had to dish out. But I didn’t know what else to do.
Lucas put the pizza and some plates on the table as he gave me his ultimate offer. “Okay, how about this? I’ll see if Carl is up to talking to you. You see if you can hammer out a thing with him or not. If you two can’t see eye to eye on any type of idea, then you go to my niece – at least for a while.”
I didn’t want to tell him what I would do if I’d lost Carl for good. I saw no reason to keep trying if he was out of my life. I’d never connected with anyone the way I had with him.
“I’ve pushed people away my whole life, Lucas. And they’ve left easily. When Carl walked away from me, it was as if I’d been testing him and he’d failed.”
“That’s not fair at all, Brittany,” Lucas reprimanded me. “That man has been through enough already. I can’t stand by and let you think that it’s okay to play with his mind and emotions.”
I’d figured that out on my own. “Yeah, it wasn’t fair. And all I’m asking is for the chance to tell him that myself. If he hates me and never wants to see me again, I will accept that. And afterward, I will leave this house. I won’t be a person any of you have to protect anymore.”
And there is nothing any of you can do about that!
Chapter Thirteen
Carl
Sitting at the bar, Leo and I had been shooting the shit for about an hour when my cell rang. “It’s Lyle. He’s over there with Lucas, watching Britt.” I had a bad feeling as I swiped the screen to answer the call. “Yeah?”
“Hey, boss. I just wanted to call to give you an update. Now, don’t worry or anything but the Irish Reapers did a little ride by a while ago.”
A flash of heat went right up through my middle. “They did, huh?” Rubbing my brow, I had the sinking feeling that they would start their search for her since time to set her free was coming up soon.
“Yeah,” he went on. “I checked the camera in front of the house and not even one of them turned their head in this direction. I think it was just a coincidence.”
I didn’t believe in coincidences. “Well, whatever it is, she needs to be moved. I’ll deal with that here in just a little while. I’ve gotta talk to someone first. Is Lucas still there too?”
“Yeah, he’s here. Boss, I really don’t think you have to go through all the trouble of moving her. Even if they did try something, it’s not like we don’t have an arsenal here,” Lyle reminded me.
Something inside of me told me that I couldn’t put Britt through that. And I couldn’t risk her getting hurt or worse. I took her and I had to protect her. I’d let myself forget that when I got my feelings hurt.
I wasn’t the type of man who actually got his feelings hurt, so I supposed that’s why her coldness hit me the way it did. But now that I fully realized what I’d let my fucking mind do to me, I was done with that.
“Look, Lyle, I appreciate your advice. But I’ve gotta do what I think is best. Don’t tell her a thing. If she asks if you’ve talked to me, tell her you left me a message since I didn’t answer the phone. And don’t tell Lucas about this either. He’s got that part of him that will think he has to let her know what’s happening. As a matter of fact, I’ll send him a message to get him out of there before I come. That way I won’t have to argue with him about what I’m going to do.”
Lyle chuckled lightly. “He’s like her big brother or something – always looking out for her. I got ya, boss. I’ll be with her until you get here.”
“Thanks.” As I put my cell back into my pocket, I couldn’t help noticing the way Leo was looking at me. “What?”
“This is kind of a lot, don’t you think?” he asked, then his lips formed a thin line as exasperation filled his face.
He wasn’t wrong. “I just have to change things up. I took her. I’m the one who said he’d take the blame if we got caught. So, it stands to reason that at the end of the game, I actually take care of her and leave everyone else out of it.”
“So, you’ve got a hardon for this chick.” He picked up his beer, taking a drink.
“No.” It was far more than just that – even if I had been trying to tell myself that she wasn’t anyone special to me and I wasn’t ever going to see her again. “She’s my responsibility is all. And if the Reapers are looking for her, I want it to be me who protects her from them.”
“So, you want to be her hero.” He put the glass bottle on the bar. “You want to keep this chick and make things even worse between the Iron Cobras and the Irish Reapers. This is what I’m hearing, even though you aren’t saying it outright.”
“I’m not keeping her.” I couldn’t do that. “But I can keep her safe until she makes up her damn mind about where she wants to go when she’s set free.”
“Maybe she just wants to go back home to the place she’s always known.” He smiled as if he thought that I hadn’t thought of that.
Which I had but knew that she couldn’t want to go back there. “Where she came from was hell on Earth. If that’s where she wants to go, then I’ll drag her ass to an insane asylum. She would have to be insane to want to go back there.”
“You would go through all that trouble for a female you don�
��t care about?” He tapped the bar to get Mable’s attention - the woman who’d been tending bar at the Iron Cobras’ little hangout forever and then some. “Mable, care to set me up again, sweet-thang?”
“Sure thing, handsome.” She grabbed two bottles, bringing one for me too. “Here you boys go.”
“Thanks, Mable.” I took a drink of the cold beer. “I didn’t say I didn’t care about her. I said she was a complicated person with lots of issues that need to be dealt with.”
He laughed. “When did you say all that, boss? In your head? You been thinking about this chick a lot, haven’t ya?”
I had – but I didn’t think that was anyone’s business. “Never mind, Leo. I’ve got things to decide. And I’ve got people to talk to. I’ve got so damn much to do that it’s piling up on me. I can’t remember a time when I felt so unequipped to handle a female.”
Leo dug one finger into his ear as he scratched it. “Um, what about when you and Lisa brought Sarah home from the hospital? I bet you didn’t quite know what to do with either of them. One was a newborn baby and one was a woman who’d just had a baby. I recall how I felt when that happened to me. Fish out of water is probably the best way to describe that.”
I couldn’t believe it. The old fart had actually opened my mind in a way that allowed me to look at Britt in a way I hadn’t before. “You, old fucker. You’re sure as hell right. I didn’t know shit about babies and neither did Lisa. But I acted like it wouldn’t be a big deal at all. I did that just to keep Lisa chill about the whole thing.”
“A newborn baby is one hell of a big deal.” Leo took a drink of his beer. “An enormously huge deal.”
“Yeah, it was. We found that out. And I found out that I had to be there for my wife and baby girl. No one could do that for me, only I could figure shit out.” My mind raced back to that time, over twenty-five years earlier. “Lisa hurt all over. She could barely walk. And Sarah didn’t want to breastfeed. We’d counted so much on that, that we hadn’t bought even one bottle and no formula either. Lisa was sure our baby was starving to death and that’s why she wouldn’t stop crying.”