by Bella Jewel
“Too late for that,” he mutters. “Now I’ve got to live with this . . . to live with you . . .” He says that with so much hatred I flinch.
“No, you don’t,” I say, turning and walking to my car.
“There you go, walkin’ away from me again. For one moment in your life, Skye, you’re goin’ to put someone else fuckin’ first.”
Tears blur my vision as I climb into my car and start it.
“God dammit!” he roars. “You selfish—”
I don’t hear the rest.
I don’t look back.
I just drive away, more broken than I was when I came here. Not a single thing resolved.
~*~*~*~
It’s the best thing for everyone.
I repeat that over and over in my head as I stuff clothes into my suitcase, tears pouring down my face, nothing able to stop them. I’m hurting every single person I love. I’m causing a rift in the club. The tension between Danny, Spike, and my dad is palpable. I’m taking away Danny’s happiness. The only thing I’ve got left is to leave and figure myself out. I can’t be any good to anyone if I don’t help myself.
I’ve got some money that Dad gave me for some baby stuff. I’m going to use it to book a trip away for a few weeks, to get my head together, to give Danny time to get his sorted, too. I’m causing too much hurt. I really need to know who the hell I am. I’ve lost myself somewhere along the line, desperately telling myself I want to be something, yet it’s never felt right.
Nothing feels right.
I bring up my e-ticket on my phone. I’m going to Fiji. A tiny island, the smallest I could find off the coast of Nadi. It’s a singles or couples resort, only eight rooms. A place all to myself, to be alone in my thoughts. I’m not going to tell anyone where I’m going, but I will send them all a message when I’m on the plane, and I know they can’t stop me.
This is for the best.
I zip my suitcase and lock up my half unpacked apartment, then I head out and hail down a cab. I’m not driving my car because that means paying for parking and for three weeks . . . that expense is unnecessary.
Arriving at the airport, I pay the driver and spend the next two hours getting through customs and security. I barely make it to the gate before boarding the plane.
I find my seat and pull out my phone. Here goes nothing.
I send the same message to everyone that needs to hear it—Danny, my parents, Ciara and Spike, as well as Ava and Mercy.
Skye: I don’t know what to say except I’m sorry. I hurt you all and that was never my intention. Somewhere along the line I lost myself, and I need to find her again before I can be the person you all know me to be. I’ve let you all down; I wish I could take that back, but I can’t. I’m going away, I don’t know how long for, but I promise I’ll be okay. I love you all. I hope I can come back a better and stronger person. I hope I can become the girl you all loved once more. Skye x
Tears are rolling down my face as I hit send.
The older lady next to me reaches over and puts a hand on my arm. “Are you all right, dear?”
I nod, wiping the tears from my cheeks. “I’ll be okay.”
“I’m good at listening, if you want to talk?”
I study her. She’s maybe sixty, possibly older, with thick gray hair and laughter lines. Her eyes are as blue as the sky, and gentle. They’re listening eyes—I can already tell.
I’m speaking before I can stop myself. I tell her everything in a rush of tears and sobs. She holds my hand the entire time. This old, lovely stranger who doesn’t know me sits with me, helping me through something I don’t understand.
“Oh, love, that is quite the predicament,” she says softly when I’m done.
“I’ve let everyone down.”
She smiles, shaking her head. “You’re not the first, and you won’t be the last to lose yourself in life. I remember going through a very similar thing when I was your age, being scared of the unknown.”
“It’s a dangerous life,” I whisper. “It scares me, yet nowhere else feels like home to me.”
“Let me tell you something. I lived the perfect life; I had the husband, the two children, a beautiful home, and a great family. I travelled, took lots of photos, loved with everything I had. Do you want to know what happened to all of that?”
I stare at her, encouraging her with my eyes.
“I lost my husband and two children in a head-on collision.”
I gasp and pain explodes in my chest. I take her hand, my bottom lip trembling.
“So you see, child, the perfect life can be crushed by the most awful situations. I had everything, and it was all taken from me in a terrible twist of fate. Yes, the life you’ve been raised in can be dangerous, but sweets, so can real life. Danger lurks behind every corner; you just can’t be afraid of it. You have to live doing what makes you happy.”
I sob uncontrollably once more. “How did you survive?”
She smiles, patting my hand. “I had no choice, dear. Surviving was the only option.”
So strong. So brave.
“Thank you,” I whisper through my blurred vision. “Thank you so much.”
“If you love that boy, you go home and you tell him that. You won’t get another chance if you give this away.”
I won’t get another chance? Oh God.
“He’s seeing someone else,” I protest.
“If what you say is true, his heart belongs to you. Go, be by his side—let him show you the kind of love you deserve. Live every second with him and relish in it, because it can be taken away in a flash.”
God. She’s right. So right.
Danny needs to know how much he means to me, but mostly how sorry I am that I’ve hurt him so deeply. I launch out of my seat and smile down at the lady who is gives me a proud look. “Thank you.”
Her smile gets bigger. “Go to your boy, honey. Bless you.”
I shuffle out of the chair, grab my bag and move down the aisle. People are trying to get to their seats, but I don’t stop to let them through. I mutter a million sorrys as I get to the front of the plane, and the hostess puts a hand up. “Miss, where are you going?”
“I have to get off this plane.”
I don’t let her speak any further. I shove past her and rush down the stairs and onto the airfield. I run back into the airport, finding a service counter. A woman stands at the desk, and she looks up with a smile as I approach. “I’m no longer able to go on the flight leaving to Nadi. There has been an emergency. Can I get my bag?”
“Let me call and see if we can get that back for you. What’s your name?”
I rattle off my name and wait, tapping my foot with anxious anticipation as I do so. Five minutes later she tells me my bag is being brought back to the airport, however at such short notice, my ticket cannot be refunded. I don’t care and happily accept. The second my bag is brought through I grab it and I’m out the door, running as hard and fast as I can to the cab line.
I call the resort when I’m on my way and make up a big story about an emergency. They agree to give me 75% of my cash back, which is better than I could have asked for. I know I need to be seriously saving, but right now the only thing on my mind is Danny. The rest will work itself out when I sort this.
It takes way too long to get to the compound, where I know Danny will be. He practically lives there. He’s never at home. I pay the cab driver and rush out, dropping my bag on the front steps and running into the house. Some of the guys mumble hellos and someone calls my name, but I’m running down the hall before a single person can stop me. I reach Danny’s room and I pound on it, over and over.
He opens it a few minutes later, shirtless. It just reminds me how much I love him. God, how could I have been so stupid all this time? He’s been right here in front of me, willing to give me every single thing I’ve needed and I let him go out of fear.
His face registers the shock of seeing me. “Skye? What the hell are you doing here?”
“I have to say something to you,” I say, my voice coming out far too quickly, but I don’t care. I need to get this out. “I love you, Danny. I know you know that, but I need you to understand just how much. I know what I’ve done, I know I’ve let you down and messed you around and ran when I should have stayed, but that’s because I was so scared.”
I take a breath. He opens his mouth to speak. I don’t let him.
“What happened to Ava terrified me. Seeing you that night terrified me. I was so determined to have a life outside of the club, because I thought it was what I wanted, but I was wrong. Every second away from you has been hell. I don’t expect you to just forgive me, but I couldn’t go a single second longer without you knowing that I am so fucking in love with you I can’t breathe most days.”
“Skye—”
“I should have told you about the baby; I’m sorry I didn’t. I saw you so happy, and I didn’t deserve to take that away from you. I just . . . I just needed you to know how sorry I am. I needed you to know I’m never going to walk away from you again because I can’t bear to live another second without you by my side.”
“Danny?”
I flinch at the sound of a feminine voice coming from inside the room. A second later, the prettiest woman I’ve ever laid eyes on comes up behind Danny. She’s blond and blue-eyed, and has legs that never end. She’s wearing one of his tees and nothing else. And it hits me. It hits me like a sledgehammer to my chest. He was just sleeping with her. I came in and bared my entire soul, but it’s too late. It’s too late.
I’ve lost him.
I turn and run, because I can’t stand a single second more. Danny bellows my name, but I don’t want to see anymore, hear anymore, be anymore. I slam into a hard chest as I round the corner and look up to see Spike, his arms on my shoulders, looking down at me. “Whoa there, Skye.”
“L-l-l-let me go,” I stammer. “Spike, let me go.”
He looks up over my head and his jaw tics. “Shit.”
“Let me go.”
“Calm down, precious. You’re in no state to be stormin’ outta here again. Your dad is already losin’ his shit.”
“Let me go!” I scream.
“Skye . . .”
I shove him back and run towards the door.
“Skye, fuck, wait!” Danny bellows.
I don’t stop. I stumble from the compound and run out the front gates. I have no car, but my feet pound down the side of the road as I bolt as hard and as fast as I can. The sound of a Harley-Davidson behind me has me darting into the woods beside the road. I find the biggest tree I can and duck around behind it, pressing my back to the large, scratchy trunk and lowering until my bottom hits the dirt.
The bike goes past.
I don’t look to see who it is.
I sob hysterically. This is my fault. I made these choices. I let him go. He’s happy; he’s moved on; he’s with a woman who respects and loves him. Who treats him right. Who gives him everything he needs. I have no right to try and ruin that. No right. I’ve lost him. My heart rips into a thousand tiny little pieces, but I know I don’t deserve him.
I sit there crying until my tears dry up and an hour has come and gone. I don’t hear the bike again so I get up, dusting myself off and walking back out onto the road. I walk until I’m closer to town, then I flag down a cab. I direct him to my new apartment but as I drive past, I see a bike parked out front.
“Keep driving,” I say quickly.
“Where to then?” he grumbles, clearly frustrated with my sudden change of heart.
I give him Ava’s address. She’s the only one I can talk to about this.
She’s the only one who will understand.
I hope.
CHAPTER NINETEEN
Lucas hands me a cup of tea and I give him a grateful smile.
“You doin’ okay?” he asks, sitting on the couch opposite from me.
Ava isn’t here, but he called her when I arrived and she said she’s on her way as we speak. I like Lucas, so it isn’t uncomfortable to be here alone with him. Hopefully he feels the same about me, because I’m not leaving.
“I . . . no,” I whisper, staring at the pale creamy liquid in the mug that’s rested in my hands.
“Wanna tell me what’s goin’ on?”
“Ava hasn’t told you?”
“She did, but I’m asking you.”
I meet his eyes. I know why Ava loves him so much. He’s probably one of the best men I know, and he’s gorgeous as hell to add to it. Can’t get much better than that.
Danny. Danny is better than that.
I shake my head to clear it of that painful thought and answer Lucas’s question. “I’ve fucked up in so many ways. I knew Danny loved me, but we danced around the subject for so long. Well, I did anyway. I never committed. After what happened to Ava . . . I got scared. I was so certain I didn’t want this life, so I sought out a new, fresh one. I hurt so many people only to figure out I was wrong the entire time.”
“You’re not wrong,” he says, his voice kind. “Jesus, Skye, you’re far from wrong. It’s not your fault you were confused. Emotion does that to a person. You watched someone you loved dearly suffer. It’s not a wonder you ran.”
“I hurt him.”
“I’m not judging the situation, because I don’t know all the details, but you aren’t the only one in the wrong here.”
I give him a look that tells him I do not believe him.
“Seriously,” he mutters, running a hand through his hair. “You ran because you were scared, but he let you run.”
“He didn’t let me run. He was going to take over that club since . . . forever. I knew that. I was the one who chose to go.”
“And he let you.”
Frustration bubbles in my chest. “He couldn’t stop me.”
“Skye, I don’t mean to be an asshole, but he’s not running the club yet. He knew you were suffering, and he let you go. He didn’t come after you. If he was so sure of everything, why’d he let you walk away?”
“Because I confused him,” I snap. “Because he gave me so many chances and I didn’t want to commit. Why would you chase someone who hasn’t given you any reason to chase them?”
He studies my face. “I guess so.” He’s not convinced, but I can see he’s not going to push it further.
Thankfully, he doesn’t have to, because Ava busts through the door. “Skye,” she says, her voice soft and worried. She rushes over and throws her arms around me, somehow folding her body onto the couch beside mine. “Are you okay?”
“No,” I whisper into her neck.
“Leave you to it,” Lucas says, standing and kissing Ava on the forehead before disappearing into the other room.
“Talk to me,” Ava urges, pulling back.
“I wanted to run, Ava,” I admit. “I was on a plane to Nadi to clear my head for a few weeks and I was talking to this lady. She made me realize how much being here is going to make me happy—how Danny is going to make me happy, so I ran back and told him.”
“And?”
“And he was with . . . her. I went there and blurted everything, and she was in the room with him. I took off.”
“Oh sweetie,” she soothes. “I’m so sorry.”
“I can’t bring myself to be angry at him,” I croak, “because this is my fault. I pushed and pushed, and he did what he thought was best. I can’t hate him for moving on; he has that right.”
“Honey, tell me why you pushed so hard. I know you said it’s because of what happened to Mercy and I, but you seemed so set, so determined. What happened?”
I swallow and look at her. “I heard you that night.”
Admitting that has my chest constricting. Perhaps if I’d accepted that those words affected me so much earlier, none of this would have happened.
“What night?” she asks.
“You were at Granddad’s house, and you were crying. You said you wished you were never part of the club, and that it was their fault you ended
up hurt. That you were glad you were out and never wanted to bring a child into it. You used the words dangerous, and deadly.”
She goes silent for a few minutes. “Oh Skye. I was hurting. Confused. Still struggling. I didn’t mean those things. You have to know I didn’t mean them.”
“But you did. I saw it in your face,” I protest.
“Sure, at the time I meant it, but that didn’t last long. You pulled away because of that?”
Her voice is soft, pained.
“Yes, but it was more than that. It was everything. It all scared me. I realize now it was a mistake, but at the time, I was truly afraid. I saw nothing but pain and heartbreak when I thought about the club. Now it’s all just a big mess.”
“Come here,” she whispers, pulling me in close. “It’s going to be okay. All of this will work itself out.”
“I’m pregnant with Danny’s baby,” I sob. “I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how this is ever going to be okay again.”
“Right now, you need to focus on yourself and figure out what’s the best move. Your baby won’t be here for a while; we need to work things out for you at this stage.”
She’s right, I know that, but the thought of raising a child alone terrifies me. “Do you think he’s even going to want anything to do with the baby?”
She hugs me close. “I know Danny, and I know he wouldn’t allow a child to go without a father for no good reason. It might take some time, but he’ll come around when you’re both less . . . sore . . . and you’ll figure out a way to do what’s best for the child.”
“I don’t know if I can stand to see him with another woman,” I cry, putting the mug down and shoving my face into my hands.
“That’s why right now, we need to get you all sorted out. You’re going to have to see him, honey, even if it hurts. We need to figure out a way to do that.”
“I honestly don’t believe I can.”
She places a hand on my still flat tummy. “You have to.”
I cry harder, and she just sits there and lets me. When my tears dry up, she stands and tells me she’s going to fix me something to eat and that I can stay the night. I don’t move from my spot on the sofa, even when she brings me back a bowl of spaghetti. I pick at it. Her and Lucas watch me with worried expressions.