PORN-SURFING CLERGYMAN QUITS THE CHURCH
A Swedish clergyman resigned after picking up a virus from a hardcore porn website – and crippling the entire church computer network. Father Gunnar Svensson, from Strangnas, was exposed when technicians trying to repair the breakdown discovered he had filled the hard drive of the computer with thousands of visits to extreme pornography sites. A Church of Sweden member said: “He’d picked up a lethal computer virus which then infected every other PC linked to the same system. Then they found thousands of visits to very unpleasant websites.”
DEVICE TRAPS CHEATING WIVES
In 2001, Romanian inventor Vasile Prisca developed a cell phone to help married men trap unfaithful wives by sending a text message whenever anyone heavier than the wife got into the marital bed. Prisca even had the benefit of first-hand testimony to prove that his invention worked. He explained proudly: “I caught my wife in bed with my neighbour by using the device.”
SATNAV SENDS TRUCK DRIVER TO WRONG COUNTRY
A Syrian truck driver transporting luxury cars from Turkey to Gibraltar on the southern tip of Spain was sent on a 1,600-mile detour to England by his satellite navigation system. Birdwatchers at Gibraltar Point in Lincolnshire looked on in astonishment as Necdet Bakimci tried to steer his 32-tonne truck down a narrow country lane towards the North Sea. When questioned by onlookers, he explained in broken English that he was looking for Gibraltar. It is thought the confusion arose because his device had Gibraltar listed as UK territory and so directed him towards Britain.
CRYONICS FOUNDERS CREMATED AFTER FREEZER MISHAP
Two French founders of the cryonics movement – whose members are frozen after death in the hope that modern science might one day revive them – had their dreams shattered in 2006 when they had to be cremated following a freezer mishap. Raymond Martinot, who died in 2002, firmly believed that if he was frozen, scientists would be able to bring him back to life by 2050. Accordingly the bodies of Dr Martinot and his wife Monique, who had died in 1984, were carefully stored in a freezer in their Loire Valley chateau . . . until their son Rémy discovered that the freezer had broken down and was left with no choice but to have his pioneering parents cremated instead.
SUSPECT APPREHENDED AFTER FALSE LEG FALLS OFF
A man who allegedly tried to steal a cash machine was captured after his prosthetic leg fell off during the getaway. Gregory Daniels, 48, was arrested on suspicion of burglary at Pomona Ranch Market, California. As police officers pursued the getaway truck into a cul-de-sac, one man jumped from the truck and ran away but as Daniels hit the ground his artificial leg fell off. The police sergeant stated: “Daniels was on the ground near the vehicle in an attempt to flee from officers. However, he was unsuccessful as his prosthetic leg fell off.”
BANANA ROBBER TRIES TO EAT HIS WEAPON
A teenage robbery suspect who was overpowered as he tried to hold up a North Carolina store with a banana tried in vain to eat the incriminating weapon before police arrived. Forsyth County police said 17-year-old John Szwalla held the banana under his shirt when he entered the store in 2009, saying he had a gun and demanding money. But the store owner and a customer jumped Szwalla and held him until deputies turned up. While they waited, Szwalla allegedly ate the banana but was unable to swallow the peel, which was subsequently photographed by the police as evidence. He was charged with attempted armed robbery and faced a possible additional count of destroying evidence.
CARDBOARD CUTOUT KEEPS 30 POLICE OFFICERS AT BAY
Armed police finally ended a 90-minute siege at a bank in New Jersey, only to discover that they had been involved in a tense stand-off with a cardboard cutout. Thirty officers – including SWAT team members from three different towns – raced to the PNC Bank in Montgomery Township after an alarm went off one evening in November 2008. They arrived to find the blinds drawn but, seeing the silhouette of a person in the window of the bank, they immediately sealed off the area and evacuated nearby buildings. For the next hour and a half, trained negotiators used bullhorns and telephones in a series of fruitless attempts to make contact with the shadowy figure. Fearing that time was running out, they eventually decided to send in the crack SWAT team . . . who discovered that the suspected bank robber was merely a life-sized female cardboard cutout that had previously been used in a bank promotion.
POST OFFICE ROBBERS MISTAKE FRIDGE FOR SAFE
A gang of three robbers who travelled some 200 miles from Manchester to Taunton, Somerset, to commit a Post Office robbery stole only $4,000 of the $116,000 on the premises because they mistook a fridge for a safe. The trio were masked and armed with hammers as they burst in and vaulted the counter. After scooping bank notes from an open cash drawer, one of the robbers, pointing at a fridge, ordered the postmaster to open the safe. “It isn’t a safe, it’s a fridge,” said the postmaster. Confused, the gang ran off with their meagre haul and were arrested soon afterwards.
BOGUS LAWYERS BLOW THEIR COVER
Two bogus lawyers representing an assault suspect in a South African court in 2002 neglected to brush up on the basics. Their cover was blown when they called the magistrate “Your Majesty” instead of “Your honour” and when one of them asked what the term “previous convictions” meant. They were promptly arrested and instructed to find genuine lawyers to represent them at their own trial.
ARMED ROBBER ASKS FOR HUG
An armed robber held up a barbecue dinner party in Washington, DC, in 2007 before suddenly changing his mind and asking for a hug instead. The hooded man crept in through an open gate, put a handgun to the head of a 14-year-old guest and demanded money, but when one of the other guests coolly offered him a glass of wine, the robber readily accepted. After also taking a bite of cheese, the robber tucked the gun into his pants, apologized for the intrusion and asked for a group hug. He then walked off, wine glass in hand. Describing the case as “unusual”, a police spokeswoman said of the hug: “They should have squeezed him and held onto him for us.”
SUSPECT APPEARS IN COURT DRESSED AS A COW
A woman from Middletown, Ohio, was charged in 2008 with chasing children around a theme park, urinating on a neighbour’s front garden and blocking traffic – all while wearing a cow costume. Michelle Allen, 32, had been hired to wear the outfit to advertise a haunted trail at the theme park but she left the job to embark on a two-day drinking binge. Arrested for causing chaos in the streets, she had to have her police photo taken while still wearing the bovine costume as she had no change of clothes. Detained in custody, she showed few signs of remorse and instead shouted at other inmates to “suck my udders”. She even had to go to court wearing the cow outfit, prompting Judge Mark Wall to comment: “We get people dressed in various attire when they’re in court. But this was a first, someone dressed as a cow.”
PASSERS-BY ARE MUGGED BY WINNIE THE POOH
Two people in Tokyo were attacked and robbed in 2008 by a man dressed as Winnie the Pooh, because they had stared at his costume. Masayuki Ishikawa was hanging around on a street corner dressed as the honey-loving bear, accompanied by two friends dressed as a mouse and a panther, when he apparently took offence at two passers-by staring at him. Police said that the bear, mouse and panther then beat up the victims and stole $160 from them. The trio had apparently dressed as animals because they had run out of clean clothes.
ESCAPED PRISONER TRIES TO GET CREDIT FOR TIME ON THE RUN
A man who escaped from prison and was recaptured after nearly ten years on the run asked to be released immediately on the grounds that his original sentence would already have been completed. Timothy Marshall was convicted in 1985 of trafficking cocaine and was sentenced to 15 years in jail, but two years later he escaped and remained at large until 1997 when he was put back behind bars. Representing himself, Marshall complained that the state of Florida was wrongfully refusing to give him credit for the nine years, four months that he remained at large following his escape. Unsurprisingly perhaps, Judge Gary M. Farmer denied
Marshall’s request, adding: “This petition may take the prize for chutzpah.”
ITALIAN ROBBER TAKES SHOP DUMMY HOSTAGE
A crook in Rome was arrested after taking a shop dummy hostage. The gun-wielding robber threatened to shoot the mannequin if the police tried to stop his getaway. A police spokesman said: “He was either blind as a bat, dumb or both.”
HOPELESS THIEF STEALS BAGS OF DOG POOP
A thief in Frisco, Texas, stole two sealed plastic bags from a parked pickup truck, only to find that they contained 25 pounds of dog poop. Clearly the thief was expecting the contents to be considerably more valuable – even though the side of the truck was clearly marked with the words “We scoop poop.” The owner of the pet waste-removal company smiled: “I sure wish I could have been there when he opened the bags.”
FLEEING SHOPLIFTER FORGETS SON
A shoplifter planning a quick getaway from a Dutch supermarket after stealing a packet of meat left behind a crucial piece of evidence – his 12-year-old son. In his haste to get to his car, the thief forgot all about the boy who happily furnished police with his father’s details..
LOBSTER THIEF TAKES HUMAN EYES BY MISTAKE
A thief who stole a plastic foam package from a bus station in Boston, Massachusetts, in 2000 thinking it contained lobsters got the shock of his life when he opened it and found that instead it housed two human corneas. The suspect was arrested in possession of his haul, which, packed in ice, had been donated ready for transplant. Detective Jeff Megin said: “I think it was just a crime of opportunity. I don’t believe he’s involved in any type of stolen human body part ring. He thought they were lobsters.”
SCHOOLBOYS MAKE UNIFORM ERROR
A group of six Australian schoolboys from Toowoomba, Queensland, went to great lengths to produce fake driving licences of impressive quality to enable them to obtain underage entry into pubs and clubs. Sadly they forgot to change out of their school uniforms for the photos..
ROBBER THREATENS STORE STAFF WITH GOOSE
A man walked into a doughnut shop in Toronto, Canada, in 1997 holding a Canada goose and yelling: “Give me some money or I’ll kill the goose!” A bird-loving customer went to a bank machine, drew out some cash and handed it over to the robber who immediately freed the goose and fled.
POLICE IN DARK AFTER LAMP POSTS STOLEN
Police in Egypt were hoping to shed light on the theft of 400 street lamps worth almost one million dollars. The lamp posts were stolen from a motorway outside the city of Alexandria where they were waiting to be installed.
ESCAPED CONVICTS EVADE POLICE BY DRESSING AS SHEEP
According to reports from Argentina, two convicts who escaped from jail in 2010 pulled the wool over the eyes of the police by disguising themselves as sheep. Maximiliano Pereyra and Ariel Diaz, who were serving time for robbery, are said to have dressed in full sheepskin fleeces with realistic looking heads and hidden in fields among flocks of genuine sheep. Although local people reported seeing the pair running through the fields at night, the disguises, stolen from a ranch, were good enough to fool the 300 officers who were searching for the fugitives. One farmworker said: “They were wearing grey clothes but had full sheepskins, including the sheep heads, over their heads and backs.” A police spokesman lamented that identifying the two among thousands of other sheep was “almost impossible”.
DEAD MEN DON’T COUNT
Ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane, an Orange County, California, man protested that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should count. However the judge ruled that passengers had to be alive to qualify.
ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT BRIGHT
In the act of robbing a store, a thief in Germany had a can of glitter sprayed into his face by a clerk and in the confusion left his wallet behind as he fled. He was later arrested for attempted robbery when he walked into a police station, still covered in glitter spray, to report that his wallet had been stolen.
ROBBER RETURNS FOR COFFEE
A man was arrested for robbing a Starbucks in Boulder, Colorado – when he returned two days later for a coffee. He was wearing the same distinctive outfit of yellow gloves, red backpack and wire-rimmed glasses that he allegedly wore during the 2008 robbery.
CRIMINALS LURED OUT OF HIDING BY PARTY INVITE
Police in Kimberley, South Africa, came up with a novel idea to flush out their most wanted criminals in 2005 – by inviting them to a party. They sent a VIP party invite, complete with the promise of celebrity guests, entertainment from a local DJ and a guaranteed prize, to the last known addresses of nearly 200 offenders. The party plan – dubbed Operation Nice Surprise – was enough to tempt 20 seasoned criminals who were stunned to be arrested as soon as the prizes had been handed out.
ROBBERY SUSPECT OBJECTS TO VICTIM’S DESCRIPTION
A convenience store clerk in Des Moines, Iowa, received unexpected assistance as he tried to tell police about the man who had just robbed the place. “He’s about five foot ten,” Harpal Singh told police over the phone. At that moment the suspect, returning to the scene of the crime, spoke up to correct him, saying: “I’m six-two.” “About six-two,” Singh clarified to the police, “and about 38 years old.” “I’m 34,” protested the suspect who then asked for the return of his wallet, which he had dropped in the store while making his escape with a haul of cigarettes. Seconds later, a deputy sheriff arrived and arrested 34-year-old, 6-foot 2-inch Steven Hebron on a charge of second-degree robbery.
BROKEN LEG SLOWS ROBBER’S ESCAPE
Police in Brockton, Massachusetts, charged a man with holding up a coffee shop in 2001 and then fleeing with the cash register. Two customers gave chase and quickly caught him, because he was slowed not only by the weight of the register but also by the plaster cast he was wearing as the result of a broken leg.
NEVADA COP ARRESTS WIFE
An off-duty sheriff’s deputy from Elko County, Nevada, was arrested for drink driving in 2007 after being pulled over by her husband, also a sheriff’s deputy. Mike Moore stopped wife Charlotte for a traffic violation and then called for back-up after she allegedly drove off without giving a breath test.
JUDGE CONSULTED IMAGINARY MYSTIC DWARVES
A Filipino judge who said he regularly consulted three invisible mystic dwarves was forced to quit his job in 2006. Florentino Floro said he possessed psychic vision, had the power to be in two places at the same time, and conducted healing sessions in his chambers during breaks with the help of the trio of dwarves – Armand, Luis and Angel. He also proclaimed himself to be the angel of death. The Supreme Court ruled that Floro was mentally unfit to continue as a judge, adding that it was concerned that dalliance with dwarves might gradually erode the public’s confidence in the judiciary.
BURGLAR LEAVES BEHIND X-RAYS
A burglar who stole over $30,000 from a pensioner in Berlin, Germany, was arrested shortly afterwards because he had left his hospital X-rays in her apartment.
BANK ROBBER HAS “ONE OF THOSE DAYS”
Having already served a 20-year sentence for a bank robbery he committed in 1963, Edward Blaine might have been expected to take great care to ensure that any future heists went according to plan. But police said the 61-year-old suffered renewed anguish in 2003 after robbing a bank in Port Royal, Virginia. They claimed that as he fled, he dropped $100 bills in his wake and then on reaching his getaway car, he realized that he had left his keys inside. So he grabbed a large lump of wood to smash the window, but merely succeeded in drawing attention to himself. The owner and employer of an auto body shop where he had parked the car – blocking one of the bays – immediately gave chase as Blaine abandoned the vehicle and tried to escape on foot. When the two men caught him, Blaine allegedly attempted to shoot them but couldn’t get his gun out of his coat and shot himself in the leg. For good measure, one of the men then also shot Blaine, hitting him in the same leg. “He had one of those days,” said a police detective.
CAT BANNED FROM VIS
ITING BUDDHIST PRISONER
A Buddhist bank robber had a request for his cat to visit him in jail turned down by a German court in 2009 despite his plea that it is the reincarnation of his mother. Peter Keonig, who was serving five years for armed robberies, demanded that his cat Gisela be allowed to visit him in jail “because she is my dead mum”. He went on: “I know it is my mummy. She looks after me just the way she did. I need to see her like other prisoners see their wives and children.” The court was not impressed, ruling: “The accused has not been able to furnish proof that his deceased mother has been reborn in a cat.” However it did say that he would be allowed to write to the cat.
DRUNKEN JUDGE CALLS LAWYER A “FUCKWIT”
A drunken judge was thrown out of a courtroom in 2007 after she forcibly kissed a solicitor and swore at a prosecuting lawyer. Esther Cunningham, from Grantham, Lincolnshire, drank brandy before appearing in court as a solicitor to represent her cousin in a dangerous dog case, but decidedly the worse for wear, she told an usher to “fuck off ” and called the Crown Prosecution Service lawyer “a fuckwit”. She was suspended for six months after the Solicitors’ Disciplinary Tribunal heard that she had also been drunk when teaching students on a legal course.
The Mammoth Book of Weird News (Mammoth Books) Page 24