OFFICERS PROBE PRISONER’S RECTAL STASH
Determined to get to the bottom of how a prisoner managed to smuggle a whole array of goods into jail in 2010, police in Wenatchee, Washington State, found that he had hidden them up his rectum. Although an initial strip search revealed nothing, when a prison official later discovered a plastic bag and duct tape in the toilet, the prisoner was quizzed again and eventually handed over the contraband. It consisted of a cigarette lighter, cigarette papers, a bag of tobacco the size of a golf ball, a bottle of tattoo ink, eight tattoo needles, a small bag of what was thought to be marijuana, and an inch-long smoking pipe. A Wenatchee Police Department spokesman said: “We were all wondering: ‘How do you put all that up there?’ The tobacco was pretty impressive; it was a good ounce.”
MUGGER LICKS VICTIM’S TOES BEFORE MAKING GETAWAY
A mugger in St Paul, Minnesota, paused to lick his victim’s toes before making his escape. After robbing the 24-year-old woman of her keys and phone, Carlton Davis removed her shoes and licked her toes before fleeing. He was arrested four blocks away and put on probation for five years.
MAN ROBS POST OFFICE WEARING CHICKEN SUIT
A man tried to rob a Post Office in Kalmar, Sweden, in 1998 dressed in a chicken suit. Police said the robber, disguised in a yellow chicken outfit and brandishing a baseball bat, fled empty-handed but only after smashing windows and terrifying the female cashier. A police spokesman said: “She’s now psychologically disturbed by the event and undergoing treatment.”
“BURGLAR CHOSE BLIND MAN AS LOOKOUT”
According to police, when Kenneth Bartelson needed a reliable lookout while he burgled an apartment in Pawtucket, Rhode Island, he chose his legally blind brother. Eugene Allen could only see shadows and black and white, and not only did he fail to spot the arrival of police officers but he also confided details of the crime to the victims’ neighbour, thinking it was Bartelson.
HANDCUFFED ESCAPEES SMASH INTO LAMPPOST
In a scene straight out of a Laurel and Hardy movie, two prisoners who were handcuffed together as they fled from a courthouse made the mistake of running to opposite sides of a lamppost, as a result of which they slammed into each other and fell to the ground. Regan Reti and Tiranara White made their unsuccessful bid for freedom from Hastings District Court on New Zealand’s North Island in 2009, seemingly forgetting that they were joined at the wrist. They were re-captured by jailers as they struggled to their feet after their encounter with the lamppost.
EYEGLASSES OBSESSIVE CHARGED WITH OPTICIAN ROBBERIES
A man charged with a series of armed robberies on opticians in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, told police that he committed the crimes because he really likes eyeglasses. Detectives said Jerry Lowery would demand that opticians fill bags with designer glasses frames from the likes of Prada and Gucci. He would then wear the frames, look at himself in the mirror, and then either sell them, give them away or throw them out. He never tried to steal money from the opticians. Lowery reportedly turned himself in to police in 2009 after his latest robbery ended in failure when the optician punched him in the face. He told officers that he’d had issues with glasses for 15 years.
SPEEDING DRIVERS MADE TO HOP LIKE FROGS
Truck drivers caught speeding in an Indian state in 2005 were made to hop like frogs while chanting the name of their favourite political leader. Instead of taking offenders to court, police in Bihar made drivers sit on their haunches, hold their ears and hop for almost half a mile.
FORGETFUL THIEVES WRECK ESCAPE ROUTE
Industrial thieves broke into a plant in Canasta, Washington State, by crossing a metal catwalk. They then blew it up, forgetting that it was their only means of escape.
ARMED ROBBER ABANDONS HEIST FOR CUP OF TEA
When a robber wearing a Spiderman mask burst into a supermarket in Cesky Tesin in the Czech Republic, pulled out a gun and demanded money, he was taken aback by the reaction of 59-year-old shop assistant Marketa Vachova. For she decided that, beneath the mask, he was “a nice young man” and set about talking him out of the raid. She said: “I asked him why he was doing this and we got talking. There was no one else in the shop so I guess he relaxed a bit, and in the end he apologized. I said if he wanted he could come and talk to me and have a cup of tea and slice of homemade cake to talk about his problems. He agreed and then walked off.”
BREATHING CORPSE ALERTS POLICE
A burglar who broke into a funeral home in the Spanish town of Burjassot tried to fool police by playing dead, only to be given away by two things. First, he was wearing scruffy clothes instead of the Sunday best that is traditional for the dearly departed, and second he was breathing heavily.
TEEN ARRESTED FOR TOSSING DEAD FISH AT PASSING CAR
A 15-year-old boy was charged with disorderly conduct after throwing a dead fish onto the windshield of a passing car on a remote stretch of road in New Jersey. Police said: “It’s not immediately clear how the motorist reacted when the flying fish bounced across his car, but it’s a safe bet that his first words were not ‘Holy mackerel!’”
UNDERPANTS IN MISTAKEN IDENTITY CLAIM
After Leonard Hodge, of Madison, Wisconsin, was arrested in 1996 for failing to carry a driving licence, police officers found cocaine in his underwear during a routine search. By way of defence, Hodge claimed that the underpants he was wearing weren’t his.
STREAKERS CATCH A COLD
Three men who streaked through a restaurant in Washington, DC, were left shivering in a car park in temperatures of minus seven degrees Fahrenheit. In their absence, a thief had stolen their car, which contained all their clothes.
GERMAN POLICE IN BROTHEL BRAWL
Three off-duty German police officers were arrested in 2009 for being involved in a fight in a Frankfurt brothel. The trio, who were detained after an argument with the brothel’s bouncers turned violent, had ended up in the city’s red-light district after an office party.
JUDGE SUES DRY CLEANER FOR $67 MILLION OVER LOST PANTS
Claiming that a pair of his suit trousers had gone missing from a Washington, DC, dry cleaner, Judge Roy L. Pearson sued Custom Cleaners for $67 million in 2005. Even though, as part of a $1,100 suit, the pants were worth just $395, Pearson sued Soo and Jin Chung for each day that the pants were missing, because their store promised “same-day service”. The cleaners, who denied losing the pants, were so intimidated by the judge’s lawsuit that they offered him $12,000 but he rejected the offer, although he did reduce his demands to a more reasonable $54 million. Insisting that it was not merely a case about a pair of suit pants but about the cleaner’s claim of “satisfaction guaranteed” that hung in the store window, Pearson took the case to trial in 2007. There, he tearfully testified about the mental anguish he had suffered over the loss of the pants, which he had altered after gaining weight while unemployed prior to becoming an administrative judge. Not only did he lose the case, but a panel recommended against giving him a ten-year term on the bench, noting a lack of “judicial temperament”. As one commentator observed: “Kissing his $100,512 salary goodbye, Pearson not only lost his pants, but his shirt.”
ROBBER BURNS FACE IN BALACLAVA PALAVER
Bursting into a gas station in Foster, Rhode Island, two armed robbers sprayed a clerk in the face with pepper gas and snatched $157 from the cash register. Only then did they remember to put on ski masks, although one forgot to take the cigarette out of his mouth first and burned his face. The pair were easily identified on the store’s security camera.
CUSTOMS OFFICER SEIZE CIGARETTES FILLED RABBIT POOP
Customs officials in Spain confiscated more than $1.5 million worth of counterfeit cigarettes that had been filled with rabbit droppings instead of tobacco. The fake cigarettes – due to be sold on the black market as famous brands – were discovered after British holidaymakers in the Canary Islands smelled a rat whenever they lit up. Following the arrest of a dozen smugglers, a customs official in Tenerife said: “The cigarettes s
tank. They smell just as you’d imagine burning poop to smell.”
FAKE APE STEALS FAKE BANANAS
A thief wearing an ape costume burst into a petrol station in Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, in 2009 and stole a bunch of Styrofoam bananas that were on display. Police revealed that it was the third time in two nights that someone wearing an ape costume had tried to steal bananas.
HALFWITS CALL TAXI AS THEIR GETAWAY VEHICLE
Two New Zealand burglars broke into a tobacconist’s shop in 2001 and then called for a taxi to collect them. Unfortunately they rather drew attention to themselves by waiting outside the shop they had just robbed, their arms laden with cigarettes and tobacco, while waiting for the taxi to arrive. After the taxi driver had alerted the police, the judge at their trial called it “the most spectacularly incompetent burglary I have heard of”. Even one of the culprits was forced to concur. “The judge is not wrong in saying we are halfwits. We must be the most useless and stupid burglars New Zealand has ever had.”
"DOZY VISITOR REVEALED HIDDEN DRUGS"
Having gone to the sheriff’s station at LaPorte, Indiana, to bail out a friend, Edward Green ended up being arrested himself. Told to take a seat while officers sorted out the paperwork, Green promptly fell asleep, snoring loudly with his mouth open. When a deputy went to wake him, he said he couldn’t help noticing several small plastic bags inside Green’s gaping mouth. The bags were found to contain cocaine and Green was arrested on a count of possession.
JUDGE SACKED OVER BUM RAP
A Mexican judge was fired in 2010 for trying to punish a teenage graffiti artist by spray-painting his buttocks. Instead of imposing a standard fine, the civilian judge ordered the young artist to pull down his pants before attempting to spray his buttocks with the same paint the boy had used during his crimes.
MAN RILED BY MARS BARS AND NEW JERSEY
Thomas Mitchell was convicted of shooting his girlfriend three times in 1999 because he thought she was going to say “New Jersey”. His trial at Galveston, Texas, heard that Mitchell suffered from an irrational hatred of the sound of certain words, including “Mars Bars”, “Wisconsin”, “Snickers” and “New Jersey”. To avoid speaking those words out loud during the trial, witnesses were supplied with flashcards. At a pre-trial hearing, Mitchell had reportedly screamed and sworn on catching sight of the “Snickers” card.
ITALIAN ROBBERS ARGUE OVER THEIR ROLES
Three men in Italy planned to rob a postal worker in 2002 using a toy gun. But they were apprehended after they attracted attention by getting into a fight with each other on the street because none of them wanted to be the lookout man.
DEFENDANT APPEARS IN COURT "BUTT NAKED"
When defendant Jeremiah Johnson appeared in court in Polk County, Florida, in 1994, he showed up wearing a pair of shorts. The bailiff informed him that shorts were inappropriate attire to wear before the judge, so Johnson walked out, took them off and returned butt naked. The judge was not amused and gave him 179 days in jail for contempt of court.
DEFENDANT INCRIMINATES HIMSELF
At Dennis Newton’s trial for armed robbery in Oklahoma City in 1985, the District Attorney asked the supervisor of the store that had been robbed to identify the culprit in court. When she pointed to the defendant, Newton leaped to his feet, accused the witness of lying and screamed: “I should have blown your fucking head off!” Following a moment of stunned silence, he added as an afterthought: “If I’d been the one that was there.” He was jailed for 30 years.
TEXAN PRISONERS PRETTY IN PINK
In a bid to deter repeat offenders, a Texan prison was painted pink and inmates were forced to wear pink jumpsuits and pink slippers. Sheriff Clint Low reported that re-offending was down by 70 per cent at Mason County Jail since he introduced the colour change – because no prisoner wants to be seen in pink.
DRUGS RAID OFFICERS GET STUCK IN ELEVATOR
To launch a surprise drugs raid on a high-rise flat in Coventry, England, nine police officers climbed into the apartment block’s elevator . . . and failed to see the notice that read: “Maximum Load 8 Persons.” Unable to take the extra weight, the elevator broke down and the clueless cops were trapped inside for 45 minutes until a resident, hearing their pleas for help, volunteered to fetch the police. “We are the bloody police,” came a cry from inside the elevator. “Get the fire brigade!”
“HOOKER” IS CHIEF INSPECTOR IN DRAG
Italian vice police arrested a high-heeled blonde soliciting in a Milan street in 1996, only to discover that “she” was their own male chief inspector in drag.
CANADIAN CROOKS MAKE MAMMOTH ERROR
Two Canadian burglars didn’t think things through properly when they tried to sell a prehistoric mammoth tusk to the company that had supplied it in the first place. The thieves stole the 30,000-year-old ivory tusk from a gallery in Banff, Alberta, and then took it to experts in Calgary, demanding $40,000 for the relic and claiming that they had inherited it. However they chose the very dealership that had sold the tusk to the gallery. As one detective on the case noted: “These guys were very, very stupid. I mean, a piece like this isn’t jewellery. It’s very hard to sell.”
ELDERLY SUSPECT GIVES OFFICER A NASTY SUCK
Trying to resist arrest after allegedly stealing a shirt from a shop in Braunschweig, Germany, in 2006, a 70-year-old shoplifting suspect went to bite a police officer, only to realize that he had left his false teeth at home. Instead he was only able to leave a wet mark from his gums on the officer’s arms.
POLICE DRAG MAN FROM TOILET WASTE TANK
A 45-year-old man was arrested in 2005 after a teenage girl saw him staring up at her from a cesspit below a toilet seat at a beauty spot in Albany, New Hampshire. Firefighters had to hose down the man, who was wearing waders, before police handcuffed him.
CAR THIEF FOILED BY LACK OF ENGINE
A man broke into a Volkswagen car at a garage in Langenzenn, Germany, in 2008 and spent half an hour trying to hotwire the vehicle without realizing the engine had been removed for repairs.
ROBBERS LOCKS HIMSELF IN TRUNK OF GETAWAY CAR
Wanting to make a quick change of clothing after pulling off a bank robbery in Hermiston, Oregon, a man climbed into the trunk of his getaway car . . . but accidentally locked himself in. Forty minutes later, a police officer was walking through a parking lot two blocks from the bank when he heard pounding from inside a car trunk and a voice pleading for help. He opened the trunk and promptly arrested the occupant. As a detective on the case noted: “Having carried out the robbery, the guy was probably hoping that his cries for help would be answered by someone other than a police officer.”
BURGLAR COLLARED BY OWN DOG
A burglar was arrested after he left his pet dog at the scene of a crime – and it led police straight to him. Accompanied by his dog Roxy, Stephen Wilson broke into a house in Dewsbury, West Yorkshire, in 2002 but when owners Derek and Rita Lewis returned unexpectedly, he abandoned the dog and escaped through a window. When police officers arrived, they put Roxy on a lead and the dog took them to Wilson’s home 200 yards down the road. After Wilson was jailed for 21 months, Mr Lewis said: “He should have left the dog at home. It wasn’t his best friend that night.”
ROBBERS MAKES CATALOGUE OF ERRORS
A crook who decided to rob a Port St Lucie, Florida, houseowner at 1 a.m. one night in 2001 devised what he thought was a foolproof plan: he would gain entry by asking if he could use the phone and then he would surprise the occupant. His first mistake was to choose the home of retired Sheriff C.L. Norvell. Once inside he stuck to his plan and, in order to appear plausible, made the phone call. His second mistake was to call his own home. Then it was time for the robbery, only for the master criminal to run off as soon as Sheriff Norvell pulled out his gun. However any hopes he had of evading justice were wrecked when his girlfriend, who had answered his call to home, rang back, using the number that she saw on the caller ID box, thereby kindly providing Sheriff Norvell with th
e would-be robber’s home telephone number.
SUSPECT CLAIMS ALIENS DROPPED HIM AT BURGLED HOUSE
Charged with burgling a house in Des Moines, Iowa, in 2000, Brian Waddington came up with an ingenious alibi – he said aliens must have picked him up 170 miles away in Davenport and dropped him off at the stranger’s house. Although the case against Waddington appeared strong, detectives were taking no chances. One said: “I can assure you that if we do find any aliens, we’ll drop the charges.”
OFFICER RESCUED AFTER BURGLARY FIASCO
A police officer had to be rescued by an Oxford University porter after he climbed into a locked compound at Trinity College to confront a burglar he saw illuminated by the moonlight. To add to the officer’s woes, the “burglar” turned out to be a statue.
ESCAPED PRISONERS FLAGS DOWN POLICE BUS
After making a daring break for freedom from a police cell in Belo Horizonte, Brazil, in 2002, Sergio Vilas Boas flagged down a bus, only to find that it was full of policemen who had been sent out to look for him.
THIEF STEALS LOBSTER FROM AQUARIUM
The Mammoth Book of Weird News (Mammoth Books) Page 25