Dust to Dust: A Broken Fairy Tale

by S.P. Cervantes

“Camryn, are you listening to me?” he asks in a frustrated tone as he begins massaging my calf. It worked!

  “Yeah, I told you I’ll get—”

  Holden smacks my leg, and then his voice turns serious and sultry. “After that. I asked if you would want to get together with me when we get back to the city.” He squeezes my calf to accentuate his words, and then goes back to massaging my legs, making my body feel things it hasn’t for a long time.

  Hell yeah. Wait. No. What am I thinking? I am still married. I don’t even want a divorce. Once Holden sees what my life is really like, the life of a single mother, he will run for the hills. He has no obligations, nothing tying him down. And he’s said it many times before: we are both just too broken to be together. I want things to stay the same between us. Safe. Platonic. Predictable.

  I take his hand in mine. “Of course I want to see you when we’re in the city. We can take the girls somewhere. They will miss you too.” I squeeze his hand tightly. “I don’t want anything to change between us.” I hope he understands that I want to keep him as my friend and nothing more. I don’t think my heart can take losing him again.

  “I understand,” he answers simply. He lightly kisses my hand and continues rubbing my legs, and I fall asleep to the rumbling of the tracks below.

  I am going to make this Thanksgiving like one of my girls’ dreams. We are used to being in Mantoloking with my family on Thanksgiving, but this year is going to be different for so many reasons. Thanksgiving and Christmas have always been one of the few times of the year that I actually went down to my parents’ place before Marcus left me. With all of the changes we have had to make to our life this past year, I want them to find joy in yet another change to their lives. I don’t want different to mean something bad to them. There has been so much change in such a short period of time for my little girls, that I want to use times like these to show them how good change can be, and I want today to be the perfect example for that.

  Since residents are still not allowed to move back into their homes in Mantoloking, Jess and I decided to throw a big Thanksgiving party at my parents’ new property for Cutter Lane in Sea Girt. It’s going to be a long time before the original Cutter Lane will be up and running again, and my dad had always planned on branching out, but the storm forced him to actually make the leap to finally buying this property. Hurricane Sandy left him with not much of a choice since the old restaurant was virtually demolished and needs to be rebuilt. Luckily this new location for Cutter Lane is also the perfect venue to host a large group, so we decided to invite some of our closest friends from Mantoloking who are also celebrating the holiday away from their home to celebrate new beginnings with us.

  The one glitch in my pursuit of consistency is that Marcus has decided that it will be best if we spend today apart, instead of together with the girls. I tried to persuade him to use this holiday to show them that we are still a united team, but he thinks it isn’t a good idea and he doesn’t want to give them false hope. Me either, I guess. So Marcus has the girls this morning and will drop them off on his way to his parents’ house later today. Just the thought of him “dropping” the girls off and going back to the city kills me inside, knowing that this will be our first holiday as the shattered family we are.

  After the storm, it became clearer to me that no matter how much I didn’t want it to happen, my marriage is irrefutably broken. He has made no effort to try to rebuild our relationship or even give me a chance to try to make things better between us. Deep down, I know that he has pulled away so much because there is someone else in his life. Someone who isn’t broken like me. I keep trying to tell myself it’s nothing serious, but I know it is. Marcus does nothing unless he is certain. He wouldn’t have left me if it wasn’t something he was sure about, and he wouldn’t be dating another woman if he wasn’t sure about her either.

  Marcus and I live apart in the city, but close enough that he can see the girls every day. Luckily he has refrained from bringing his girlfriend to my apartment after Holden nearly lost it on him the one time he tried. Holden had stopped by my place that night to take me to a movie, knowing how sad I get when the girls spend the weekend with Marcus. Apparently Marcus had decided he would bring his girlfriend with him to pick up the girls that night. Holden caught them before they made it to my door, and thankfully set him in his place. Of course, Marcus tried to defend himself by throwing my relationship with Holden in his face, but Holden didn’t let it fly. The truth is, there is nothing going on between us. Holden is still my best friend and nothing more, just how I want it. He’s even reignited his relationship with Bridgette once moving back into the city full-time, which gives me a lot of peace. I’m actually happy about that. Really, I am. My only focus right now is taking care of my girls and keeping them happy. Lately, it seems like every holiday is filled with sadness and I need to get us out of this rut we seem to be in. The girls couldn’t even trick or treat on Halloween because of Sandy. I am going to make sure that on this holiday, they don’t feel the emptiness in their heart that I am feeling.

  “Oh shit, Cam, get your ass in here and help me figure out what I did wrong!” Jess yells from the kitchen, taking me out of my somber thoughts.

  The fire alarm starts going off before I can reach her in the kitchen, making me take off in a full sprint. I turn to corner to see Jess fanning flames that are blazing on a pan she has on the stove. I run over to the stove and grab a baking sheet that is on the table and throw it on top of the flames. We both stand there silently for a moment before busting out laughing at the near disaster.

  My dad and mom come frantically running into the kitchen, followed closely by Dave, all with terrified looks on their faces, ready to fight the fire.

  “I told you we should have never let Jess in the kitchen,” Dave says, not needing anyone to explain to him that it is Jess who caused the alarm to go off.

  “Maybe I should take over in here.” My mom politely pats Jess’s shoulder and edges her out of the way. I can actually see calm wash over her at gaining back the control of Jess’s part of the dinner. My mom takes great pride in her Thanksgiving meals, and letting anyone else help was a big step for her to begin with. I am sure this incident will be used as an example for years to come.

  My mom has a satisfied grin on her face when she removes the baking sheet and dumps out the burned contents in the torched pan. “The guests will be here shortly. Why don’t you all go and make sure the front of the house is ready to go?”

  I have to admit that I am glad to be relieved of cooking duties. Since my mom has always insisted on controlling anything culinary-related growing up, it isn’t something that I’ve ever enjoyed. Last night, my mom and I made the stuffing together and baked a few pies. My job is done and now I can just enjoy the night and relax thanks to Jess’s cooking disaster. The only good part of my mom letting me help with the cooking this year is that it has helped to keep my mind off the fact that my girls aren’t with me, and Marcus never will be again. I must stay positive.

  I begin rearranging the napkins and place settings, anxious for Marcus to get here with Ellie and Sophie. I wonder if they’ll be sad when Marcus leaves, or if they’ll cry in my arms that I couldn’t keep our family together. I keep waiting to be heartbroken about not being able to spend today with Marcus like we always have, snuggling in watching football together, after gorging ourselves with turkey…but I’m not. It’s the safety of consistency he has always brought to my life that I miss most. Yes, I miss Marcus, and yes I love Marcus, but my heart has been breaking for my girls and the family they were losing.

  I hear the chiming of the bells at the front door and push my melancholy feelings away, remembering that I am going to make this the best Thanksgiving ever. I look up from my display of turkey napkins that I have fanned along the side of the bar, plastering a smile on my face, only to see it isn’t Marcus with the girls, but an frustratingly scorching-looking Holden. Why do you have to be so hot!

  I have tri
ed so hard to keep myself from being attracted to Holden when we are together, which is a struggle because he is disgustingly good-looking, but today is going to be impossible to push out my naughty thoughts with him looking this way. He is wearing a light blue buttoned-down shirt that is unbuttoned just enough that it makes me blush. I feel like I am in high school again when his eyes meet mine in a way that makes my heart stop. I don’t think I’ve gone this long without so much as a kiss from anyone since I’ve been fifteen; my hormones are definitely on overdrive.

  Today, there seems to be something different about Holden. I can see that right away. It’s like he is glowing. Not like pregnant lady glowing, but like he is an angel from heaven, and I have to remind myself to breathe kind of glowing. His emerald green eyes meet mine with compassion and something more I can’t quite place. He must see the anxiety I am feeling today on my face because he comes right up to me and wraps me in his comforting arms. I love the way I feel so small and safe when he holds me this way.

  “Happy Thanksgiving, Cam,” Holden whispers sweetly and kisses the top of my head.

  “Ditto.” I don’t pull away and he doesn’t let go. I didn’t realize how much it means to me to have him here until now. “I didn’t think you’d be here until later,” I whisper back, breathless and unable to mask the affection in my voice.

  Holden pulls back and lifts my chin so that I am looking up into his compassionate eyes. “I wanted to be here for you when Marcus comes. I know today is going to be hard for you. Plus if Marcus starts acting like an ass, I want to be the one to punch him in the face. He’s not going to ruin another holiday for my rugrats.” He kisses my forehead and steps away. First my head, then my forehead, next my lips? Don’t pull away. I want to be wrapped back in your arms where I feel safe.

  I take a step back, too, needing distance between us. I can’t let my thoughts go in this direction. I can’t afford to have romantic feelings for Holden right now. I feel myself instantly throw up another wall around my heart, protecting it from another break at the thought.

  “No fighting tonight, Holden. It will be fine. He’s not even going to stay for a drink. He’s going to be in and out.” I force myself to see the good in Marcus for the sake of my girls, hoping if I think it enough, I’ll believe it. “He’s not a horrible person, Holden. He just isn’t good at handling things like this.”

  He reaches out and takes my hand in his, sending chills through every inch of me. No, I need distance. “I won’t just stand there and let him break your heart over and over again, Cam. Your heart deserves to be cherished…protected.” His eyes are smoldering with desire as he rubs his thumb down the middle of my palm.

  I have no idea what has come over Holden today. He is always affectionate with me. But this is something more; I can see it in his eyes and hear it behind his words. It’s something I know deep down I want, but can’t have.

  Trying to keep the wall around my heart up, I playfully smack his chest and let out a high-pitched giggle as if he tickled me instead of turned me on.

  “I’m fine, Holden. I just miss my girls.” He is clearly not buying the fake smile I have plastered on my face; he knows be too well. His gaze is locked on mine, waiting for me to break and admit that I am a mess inside and need him to help hold me together.

  “So...” I begin nervously, looking anywhere but those sexy, possessive eyes. “When is Bridgette getting here?” I change the subject, trying to get the image of throwing myself in his arms and taking him right here on the floor out of my mind.

  Holden never breaks his steamy gaze from me, seemingly trying to see into my soul. He slowly steps towards me as if he wants to make sure I know that whatever he is about to do or say is sincere. He takes my hand in his again, but this time pulls me closer so that we are almost touching. He folds his fingers slowly into mine, his lips turning up slightly at the corner of his mouth with a slight grin. His actions are so confusing and arousing at the same time, I can do nothing but let out a surprised laugh. My breathing picks up and I look up into his eyes again, not knowing what has come over him. “She’s not coming, Camryn.” He brushes a loose curl away from my face and twirls it around his finger. “We decided it isn’t going to work out between us.”

  “Why? What happened?” I ask, truly shocked they broke up. I thought they were just getting back on track now that we were all living back in the city again. A part of me is surprisingly doing cartwheels with excitement, but I try to shut that voice out. Holden being in a relationship with someone else is what always makes me feel like the time we spend together is more platonic. This changes everything for us, and he knows it. My thoughts are shooting in a thousand directions at the possibilities and problems this new predicament has ahead for us.

  Holden is still holding my hand with his body pressed against mine, looking at me in a way that makes my heart both race and fill with fear. “I guess she just realized my heart isn’t in it. She was just someone to help pass the time and she knew it.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry.” No I’m not. Wait, yes, yes I am sorry. I want Holden to have a girlfriend. I like us the way we are. Now all the dirty thoughts I have about him take on a whole new meaning, and I’m not ready for that. I’m not even divorced yet. I still love Marcus. After all that we’ve been through together, I can’t ever imagine not loving him in some way.

  “I’m not.” His voice is low and husky. He draws his face closer to mine, our mouths only inches apart. “I’m really not sad about it at all.” No, no, not now, not here. He places his hand gently on my face, making me feel things in places I didn’t know existed anymore. All of my hesitations from moments before are drowned out with the look of ardor in his eyes.

  “Holden, you’re here! Yay! Let me get Dave and we can all have a pre-party cocktail. You know how I love my pre-party cocktails!” Always perfect timing. Jess is out of the room just as quickly as she came in.

  Holden laughs and shakes his head, finally backing away with a devilish grin, knowing the moment is lost. “That girl has impeccable timing. Guess the party is getting started a little early.” He walks over to the bar, getting out a few glasses for the four of us. “When will everyone else be getting here?”

  How is he able to switch modes so quickly? My body is in a frenzy of confusion and desire. I want so badly to push the desire away, but every time he looks at me, it bubbles up uncontrollably. “The girls should be here any minute, and everyone else should be here around one,” I answer, trying to distract my impetuous thoughts.

  He closes the gap between us again, making my blood pressure rise being this close to him. He hands me my glass of wine and leans back casually against the bar. “Listen…Cam…there’s been something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about.” His playful flirty tone turns serious again. He pushes himself away from the bar and pulls me over to one of the tables so we can sit down together. He places his hands on either side of my chair and scoots me closer to him so that our knees are touching. He leans in as if revealing a secret and moves his hands so that they are laced with mine resting on my lap.

  “What happened between you and Jake? You keep avoiding this topic and I need to know. If he shows up here tonight…”

  “They aren’t planning on coming tonight. None of the Waters family is even in town right now. They decided not to make the trip up from DC until the weekend.” I cut him off before he can go on. Holden has tried to get me to tell him why I reacted so severely when we saw Jake at the restaurant before Hurricane Sandy, but I’m not ready to tell him yet and I don’t know that I ever will be. At times since my encounter with Jake, I’ve felt as if Sandy was nothing compared to the storm brewing in me. Seeing him reignited feelings I thought I’ve defeated. I’ve been trying to portray the happy, easy-going mother for my daughters, while grappling with a paralyzing fear that Jake will come after me again or do something to hurt my girls.

  I haven’t seen Jake since the day before the storm, but Holden has several times while he was working on Jo
hn Waters’s Senate campaign. Thankfully John Waters won and Jake and the family have been getting settled in Washington DC. I can only hope that Jake will be going back to whatever hole he came from permanently.

  Holden squeezes my hands tighter and sighs loudly. “You didn’t answer my question, Cam.”

  “Happy Thanksgiving, man!” Dave bellows and comes around the corner, followed closely behind by Jess. Boy, do they have good timing.

  “Hey Holden, hands off my woman!” Jess bounces over to me and swipes my wine, taking a large gulp. I just roll my eyes and smile up at Holden, trying to play off that I wasn’t relieved by their interruption.

  Unfortunately, Holden isn’t having any of it this time and when I stand from the table to get back my wine from Jess, Holden slaps my butt, his favorite pastime, and says with a knowing expression, “You’re not getting out of it this time. We need to talk.”

  I smile, thinking he means we will talk later and nod my head like I’m in total agreement with him. I will have to think of a good lie to tell him. Knowing me all too well, Holden stops me in my tracks and wraps his hand around my forearm. “Hey guys, Camryn’s going to help me grab some things from the car.” Oh crap, having this conversation now is not going to make for the best Thanksgiving ever.

  “I’ll help you, bro. Let’s let our girls have a drink before the crowd gets here. They’ve been working their asses off for days.” Thank God for Dave.

  I breathe a sigh of relief and look back up at Holden as if to say “Sorry, maybe later,” but he just slides his hand down my arm and laces his fingers once again through mine.

  “Thanks Dave, but I really just need to talk to Camryn privately. There’s nothing in my car to get. I was just trying to be discreet. But since you and your lovely wife have an uncanny knack for interrupting Camryn and me at the absolute worst times, I am just going to tell it to you straight.”

  Holden doesn’t wait for them to respond and pulls me out the front door. I can hear Jess start laughing at Holden’s blunt statement before the door slams behind us. The cool air is a shock to my system when a cold blast of wind smacks me in the face, mirroring how I feel right now. Holden still has a firm grip on my hand and leads me around the side of the restaurant and over to a bench hidden under willow trees.