Trigger

by Carol Jean

  Judy had never been in a pool before, but she started to play around in the water about two months after she left the hospital. Little by little she figured it out and now she’d doing a hundred and fifty laps a day.

  “Hi there.”

  Steven?

  “Hey beautiful, you look better. I’m glad you got some rest.” Steven kisses her forehead.

  “What are you doing here?” Her voice sounds mad even to her.

  “I told you, I’d see you soon. It’s soon and since you are having a pool party, I thought I’d bring the food.”

  “Is there anything I can say to make you leave?”

  “No.”

  “You’ve been watching me?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  “I like to watch you. It makes me feel good to see you. You’re skinny and scrawny, but it feels good anyway.”

  “You just called me beautiful.”

  “Well that was from habit and memory.”

  We watch Michael and Suzanne for awhile. “They are very special aren’t they, Judy? I think you and I should adopt them. We’d make good parents.”

  “How did you find Michael and why did you do that?”

  “I was a Big Brother for years. I mentored Brandon from the time he was twelve. He graduated from college last spring, moved to Dallas, found a lovely girl and they’re going to get married. He doesn’t need me any more. My friend, who is principal of the East Side high school, told me about Michael and how he was on his own and raising his baby sister alone. Straight A’s, responsible, personable and had lots of promise, but was at risk.”

  “Risk?”

  “Mostly money and family life, no Dad, hooker for a mother, he was starting to struggle with the load. Ken was worried about him and called me. I took him on.”

  “You hired him to bring me sludge?”

  “That’s his new job. He’s been pretty much managing my kids program. Saturday mornings, I run a boxing camp for six to twelve year olds. It’s a small project, I can only handle about four to six kids at a time, but it makes a difference.”

  “I didn’t know. How long have you been doing that?”

  “Actually, it was Brandon’s idea. He and I started it when he was about sixteen or so. We’ve had about a hundred kids go through.”

  “You teach them boxing?”

  Steven takes my hand. “Judy I teach them what I taught you. Good attitude and self confidence and defensive skills.”

  “So I was one of your kids?”

  “No, my love, you are my shining star. I’m more proud of my work with you than anyone I’ve ever had in the club. Did Michael show you that photo I sent to you?”

  “He described it to me. I remember that moment. It was my first win.” She feels and hears her smile that hints of pride.

  “It’s been sitting on my desk, since that time. You know I how feel about you and nothing’s changed. Think about it sometime, remember what I told you. Despite what you think, I don’t lie but maybe I’m guilty of not telling everything. I guess that’s like lying.”

  She’s instantly angry, “Don’t talk to me like that. You’re married. You’ve moved on!”

  “Hey Boss, didn’t see you there, Suz kept me busy, but she’s getting all wrinkled and inpatient. I made her get out.” She feels Michael looking at her. “Boss what did you do to Miss Mason? She was feeling good today and now she’s upset. Whatever you did, you should apologize. I’m sorry, Miss Mason, Boss is a great guy but he lacks good people skills and common sense. I’m sure it wasn’t intentional, Boss doesn’t have a mean bone in his body.”

  “His name is Steven, Michael.”

  “Yea, I know, but Boss works for us. Do I smell food? I’m starved. Let me get Suz dry and changed before she catches cold. Excuse me.”

  “I’m not married, Judy. Deidre and I tried to take our friendship to the next level, but it didn’t work for either of us. We’re still friends and happy with things as they are.”

  She can imagine the deep crease of disapproval between his eyes. She doesn’t know what to say, so she doesn’t say anything and she doesn’t want to think about any of it. She breathes a sign of relief from Steven’s heavy as Michael and Suzanne join them.

  “Did you see me jump, Steven?”

  “I did, Suzanne, those were big jumps. You were very brave.”

  “Not so brave, Michael was catching me. He wouldn’t let me drown. Is that McDonald’s? Wow!”

  The friendly chatter of the kids and excitement over what seems to be an abundance of choices and food brings her back to what’s happening now.

  She did feel good and it felt good to feel good. She recognizes that Steven was responsible for that and she gives him the credit he earned. She laughs at herself. She’s one of his projects, just one of his lost and struggling kids. Steven seems to enjoy mentoring and is good at it, she can’t help but feel sorry for him, he’ll fail with her because she’s dead she reminds herself. A warm hand takes hers and puts a large hot something in her hand.

  “French fries. Large. Eat.”

  Chapter 32. Dead is Easy. Life Hurts

  She’s restless and wandering around her apartment. Becky takes part of Saturday and all day Sunday off to visit with her mother and family. Harriet is baking bread. It’s usually makes her mouth water to smell it, but today it unsettles her stomach.

  She thinks about running and that was her intention after Steven and the children left, but now she can’t quite seem to find motivation. Think about what I told you, nothing’s changed, Steven said.

  “No! I’m not going back there ever again. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t want to do it anymore. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!”

  She reaches for her running machine and starts to run. Faster, longer, turn off the brain and imagine the wind in her face. Feel only her feet hitting the sidewalks, leaping over the curbs and garbage, quickly changing direction to avoid the gangs, the hookers, the pimps and drug dealers in their big black cars, she runs.

  Flying across the street and through traffic and into the shabby park, she runs. Dodging people by weaving in and out of the trees, benches and garbage cans, she runs faster and faster and until she’s out of the park and heading for home. She’s faster than the traffic and flashes through the lanes, ignoring the honks of car horns as she surprises the drivers.

  Finally leaping over the curb she runs up the stairs quickly punches in the code and slams the door behind her. Quietly she takes the stairs two at a time, wary and cautious in case someone is coming up or down and then she throws the locks on her steel door and collapses on her futon and sleeps.

  Chapter 33. Rocky

  “Miss Mason you should eat something. I’ve heated up Becky’s potato soup and made fresh bread.”

  Judy ignores Harriet’s plea because she doesn’t want to be who she is now. She wants to be who she was before Simon and before Steven. She wants to be at Stalwart and full of ideas and energy and hope. When she was her, before she gave herself away to Steven and then to Simon, she was strong and felt vibrant and her step was sure and steady. She used to spit fire and face down lions unafraid and confident she’d win.

  They made her weak and dependent. They destroyed who she was and then left her -- alone, shallow and empty. She lays still and keeps her run wrapped around her and goes back to sleep to forget.

  “Becky said to call you, if I got worried about Miss Mason. She ran on her runner for more than three hours. A couple of times I thought she was going to fall off but she ran faster and faster and then went to sleep. That’s been about ten hours ago. I can’t wake her and I’m worried. Should I call an ambulance?”

  She’s warm and comfortable. She feels arms wrapped around her and a hard body flush against her back. She doesn’t care. Her body doesn’t mean anything to her anymore. It’s as useless to her as a worn out pair of running shoes -- fond memories but they’re soft and shapeless and broken.

  She know
s its Steven. Harriet must have called him when she wouldn’t get up to eat the bread she made. She hears his steady breathing and realizes he’s asleep. He came to check on his latest project dumped on him by Simon and fell asleep. If she wasn’t so tired, she’d laugh. Whatever. She goes back to sleep.

  She wakes up and stretches throwing her arms and legs out wide. She’s alone in her bed. Other than his scent, Steven’s gone. “Whatever.”

  She rolls over and feels a sharp pain in her stomach. She instinctively reaches down and feels something electronic? A cell phone? It’s an MP3 player or something with headphones. Lying on her back, she puts on the earphones and feels the small keyboard. There’s a sticky something and she pushes on it.

  “Glad you finally woke up.” Steven’s voice and he’s laughing. “I want you to know that I slept very well with you. I feel rested and happy but I have to go. You slept well too. No nightmares or cramps. Please continue to listen and then get up, take a shower and get dressed. The kids and I will be by to get you at one.”

  “Control freak,” she says to the electronic player and then she jumps to the high-volume sound of the “Rocky” theme.

  Harriett answers the door and Michael and Suzanne rush in. “Wow, look at that view. You are so high I can see everything! It’s like being on top of the world!” Apparently Suzanne likes Judy’s condo. “You are the luckiest woman in the world!”

  She hears Suzanne walking around and she has a comment on everything.

  “Suzanne, it’s not nice to nose around someone’s home. What’s wrong with you? Please come over here and sit down like a young lady.” Michael’s voice is low and his disapproval is soft, but present.

  “I’m sorry, Miss Mason. I think I’ve spoiled her too much. Boss said he’d meet us here.”

  “What are we doing?”

  “Boss didn’t tell you?”

  She shakes her head no.

  “We’re going to a band concert in the park. It’s my favorite country band and it’s for charity. It’ll be fun. Suzanne, please put that down. Here draw something.”

  Another knock and she feels Steven’s presence and then he’s in front of her and his hands are on her shoulders.

  “Hi there,” she hears his smile and then feels his lips lightly kiss hers. “Did Michael tell you about the adventure we’re going to have today?”

  Her lips are tingling. She nods and then he pushes her away and holds her at arm’s length.

  “No this won’t do, definitely not for today. Suzanne, take Miss Mason to her room and get her dressed in . . . something else. Please.”

  A small, soft hand takes hers and pulls Judy toward her bedroom.

  “Thank goodness, there’s an old rug in my bedroom that looks better than this outfit.” She hears Steven laugh and Michael shush him.

  Suzanne is in her walk-in closet and talking about the new dress she’s wearing that Michael bought for her. “Feel it.” She brushes up against her. It’s soft and silky. “He got me cool converse, too. They’re black with glitter all over them. Feel.”

  She reaches out and a small foot is near her hand covered with canvas and a perfect bow. “He got me socks to match my dress.”

  “Aren’t they cool?”

  “Yes.”

  “Michael’s the best brother any sister could ever have. I don’t know what I’m going to do when he goes to college next year. I told him I just go with him and skip middle school and high school, but he doesn’t like the idea. I told him he could home school me, because he’ll have his high school diploma and could do that. He says he’ll think about it.”

  Suzanne starts shoving clothes at her. The first is a tank top. The second is another tank top.

  “Go ahead. Put that one on over the first one.”

  Who am I to argue? And then my shortest navy blue skirt and tuck them in like she tells me.

  “You don’t have any Converse, so your running shoes will just have to do.” Her voice is frustrated with my lack of appropriate clothing, according to a ten-year-old.

  “You’re very tall. You’ll have to sit down so I can reach you to do your hair.”

  She brushes firm but it feels good and she brushes it all to the right and puts it into a pony tail over Judy’s right ear.

  “Geeze, you don’t have any ribbons or bows or nothing. Here you can use mine.”

  It’s a long ribbon and Suzanne has tied it in a bow, but the extra length tickles her ear. But who’s she to argue or complain about someone who knows more about dressing that she does.

  “You don’t have any jewelry?”

  “No.”

  “Where’s your makeup?”

  “I don’t have any.”

  “No makeup?” She feels Suzanne staring at her. “You didn’t have a mother to teach you things did you?”

  Judy has no response.

  “You can wear one of my bracelets. Jackie makes them at school. They’re hand braided with lots of pretty colors.”

  She ties it on Judy’s left wrist. “It’s a friendship bracelet and means we’re friends now. Can I call you Judy instead of Miss Mason?”

  “Yes.” Her voice is unsteady and she feels a burning in her eyes and quickly blinks.

  “Okay that’s the best I can do. Stand up and let me see.”

  Judy can feel the young girl study her.

  “You really are very beautiful. You don’t need any makeup, but a smile wouldn’t hurt!”

  Judy laughs without thinking about it.

  “That’s better. Come on let’s get the guys and go.” Suzanne takes her hand and pulls her back into the living room. “Ta Da!” Suzanne says and drops her hand.

  Steven laughs and Michael disapproves. “Don’t call Miss Mason, Judy, and what have you done to her?”

  “She looks good and ready for fun. What’s wrong with her? She has ugly navy blue suits and that’s all. Her huge walk-in closet is totally bare except for the suits and exercise clothes. I didn’t have much to work with.”

  “You actually look great Judy. Different but great,” Steven says with a smile I can hear and feel and plants a soft kiss on my lips. He takes my hand and tucks it through his arm. “Thank you Suzanne. You did a great job.”

  “It was a struggle. But she turned out good.” Suzanne sighs loudly. “Judy is very beautiful, Steven.”

  Steven laughs. “Come let’s go have some fun.”

  The best part about being blind is you don’t have to see what people think of you. There’s no embarrassment about what you wear or how you look. You can’t see your mistakes in their eyes.

  She felt unsettled when Michael said they were going out to a concert in the park, but as the elevator gets closer and closer to the ground. She feels her anxiety starting to rise at an alarming speed. The last time she was outside was the day she caught a cab and checked out of the hospital against the doctors who argued with her and brought in lawyers and made her sign a thousand papers.

  That was nearly a year ago. She never thought about it, but she knew she’d never go out again. After all she was blind and crippled and scared, no one wants to see or be with blind and crippled people. Forgotten and tossed aside just like Simon and her Mom in the alley. She feels a sob escape her. She didn’t know it was there, it just happened.

  “Hey, what’s the matter? You’re shaking Judy.”

  “Scared.” It’s all she can say, she’s gasping for air and she reaches out for Simon’s hand.

  A small soft hand takes it instead. “It’s all right Judy, we’re your friends and friends don’t let their friends get scared or feel bad. Remember you’re wearing my friendship bracelet and that means we’re BFFs.”

  Steven laughs and puts his arm around her and holds her tight. “My car is right out front. How do you get to your doctor’s appointments?”

  She doesn’t know what to say, so she doesn’t say anything. She doesn’t go to doctors appointments. She feels Steven’s deep crease that tells her he understands what she didn’t say
.

  Suzanne squeezes her hand. “Stay close to me. I used to be afraid all the time, but Michael always said that to me. You feel better don’t you?”

  Does it? Stay close to Suzanne, Michael and Steven? She nods, but her knees feel weak as she walks out into the open air. She feels the sun on her face for the first time in a year. It hurts. Steven puts her in the front seat and buckles her in.

  “Okay?” He asks.

  She licks her lips and Steven kisses them like Simon used to do.

  “Okay then let’s get this show on the road!” Steven’s voice sounds happy. Steven’s given her a pair of sunglasses to wear saying that the sun is really bright today and she’s not used to it. She doesn’t argue all she sees is black. Steven put in a CD of the band we’re going to hear. Country isn’t her thing, but really she doesn’t have favorite music. Maybe the “Rocky” theme, but that’s all.

  “Will you look at us? We look like a normal family. Dad driving, Mom in the front and the kids in the back, we look like a TV commercial.” Suzanne giggles and it sparks laughter from all of us. “I’m sure glad there isn’t anything that’s normal, isn’t that what you say Michael?”

  Chapter 34. More Lies

  Suzanne and Michael talked and chatted, mostly Michael answering her questions. Steven quietly held her hand as he drove. The traffic slowed and Steven was inching forward. Outside with people she doesn’t know. She knows why Steven didn’t tell her where they were going. He knew how she would feel and he didn’t want her to say no. It’s another lie, no matter how you look at it.

  “Please don’t be mad. I was just thinking that you’d enjoy being here and I didn’t want you to say no without trying. Quite a turn around isn’t it? I was the one who always said no to you.”

  She’s sure he’d read her body. She didn’t say anything out loud. He kisses her hand. “We’ll follow your lead, Judy. When you want to go, or getting tired, or uncomfortable, just tell us and we’ll all leave and take you home. No problem. Understand?”