Everything We Are

by Janci Patterson

  Because it sounds insane, but it feels exactly the opposite.

  “You’re right,” I say, slowly. “It doesn’t have to be four years. If things stay this way, I might be ready to get out sooner.”

  Oh, god. I should not be considering that. After everything Alec has done for me, after this freak success he and I have had—I have a kid, for god’s sake. I can’t throw all that away, just because I’m terrified Felix is going to rightly decide I’m not worth all of this.

  Felix must sense what I’m thinking, because he shakes his head. “It’s okay if you’re not ready to destroy your career trajectory for a guy you just met. Let’s just see how it goes, okay?”

  I let out a breath, closing my eyes. I’m not going to be able to be with him, not like this. Not after today. We’ll be able to talk, to be emotionally intimate, as he said, but to not even be able to touch him? To not feel his arms around me like this?

  “Okay,” I say, reluctantly. “But I already know it’s going to suck.”

  “Yeah,” he murmurs, holding me close. “It will.” He pauses. “I need to ask you something.”

  There’s enough hesitation in his tone that I pull back a bit. “What?”

  “I signed that piece of paper, saying I wouldn’t tell anyone.”

  “Yeah. And it’s really important you don’t.” Alec would kill me if he said anything.

  Felix’s brow furrows. “If things keep going like this, I’m going to need someone to talk to about it.”

  He sounds apologetic, so I think he gets the magnitude of what he’s asking for. But he did just tell me he’s trying to be more authentic, and I’m the one who saddled him with an enormous lie he wasn’t prepared to deal with.

  “If I just told my sister Gabby,” he continues. “She wouldn’t tell a soul. I swear. When she understands how important it is, she’d never do anything that could hurt me like that. It would really help have someone to talk to about what’s going on.”

  I pause, thinking it through. I want to give him this, when he’s being so patient with me, but I also don’t want the secret to get out. Alec and I have worked so hard. He doesn’t deserve to lose everything just because I’m having the world’s worst-timed emotional intimacy with our cellist. “She won’t tell anyone. Not a soul.”

  “No one,” he says. “If I impress upon her how much depends on that, she wouldn’t.”

  “Don’t tell Alec. Or anyone else in the band.”

  “Not a word. No one will know but her.”

  I know Alec would be so pissed at me for agreeing to this, but I have to. Felix deserves this, and so much more. “Okay. With everything you’re putting up with for me, I can’t deny you that.” I pause, thinking of him telling his sister all about me. Imagining how a sister might react to all of this. “Tell me how she takes it, though? Otherwise I’ll worry.”

  He grins. “Talking isn’t against the rules, right? So I intend to tell you everything.”

  Everything.

  Warmth fills me, all the way to my toes, and I’m grinning back at him. It won’t be physical intimacy, but maybe the emotional will be enough. Until we decide it isn’t anymore, and we make our plans—and my exit strategy—accordingly.

  His lips are so close to mine, and I can’t resist leaning in close and kissing him, slow and soft, and then deeper, until all my thoughts are scattered at his touch. I don’t know when I’ll be able to kiss him like this again—maybe not for years—and I’m not wasting a single, perfect moment. We kiss and kiss and kiss, just lost in each other.

  And I don’t ever want to be found.

  Eight

  Felix

  By the time Jenna leaves the hotel to pick up Ty, I feel warm and safe in a way I haven’t in a long time. I’ve never felt this way, not with any of the other girls I’ve been with, not even close. And that makes my heart ache because I’m finally feeling something deep and real for someone and I want to see it all the way through.

  I already feel empty without her. It’s only been a few minutes since she left my arms, and somehow, I’ve agreed to do this for something like four years.

  I’m not sure what I could have been thinking, except that when I go over my options again, I know this is the only tolerable one. I can’t leave the band. Not only do I need the money and the steady job, but the idea of not seeing Jenna at all is excruciating. And it’s not that I don’t want to be friends, but I already know I’m physically incapable of it. This pull between us is too strong to hide. I need to be able to talk to her about how I feel, to make sure she knows how much I want her, even if we can’t act on it. Telling her the truth about what I’m thinking—it’s like finding my way again, after I thought I’d permanently lost it.

  The part I can’t get over is the fact that she wants this. She wants me. Maybe as badly as I want her.

  I was right to ask her if I could talk to Gabby about this, because if I don’t tell someone, I’m going to go insane. I leave the hotel a safe amount of time after Jenna, so we aren’t seen walking out together, and call Gabby from my car. “Hey. Please tell me you aren’t working right now.”

  “If I were,” Gabby says, “I wouldn’t answer the phone. Are you okay?”

  “Still clean. But I have some news I have to tell you in person. Can I meet you at your place?”

  “Sure. But you didn’t answer my question.” Concern is growing in her voice, despite my assurance about the drugs.

  “I’m okay,” I say quickly. I really don’t want her worrying about me any more than she undoubtedly already does. “Better than okay. Mostly. I’ll be there in an hour.” I look at the time. I’m going to hit the mid-afternoon rush. “Make it two.”

  As I drive to Hollywood the latest Accidental Erotica single comes on the radio. Every song from Shane Beckstrom’s last album makes me laugh, even though Gabby assures me it’s not even a little funny that he titled the thing “I Still Love You” and wrote every song about how much he wants to reunite with Anna-Marie. Apparently it’s all for show—which makes me wonder if there are bands that aren’t faking their narratives. It seems to be working for Shane almost as well as it did for AJ.

  More power to him, I guess.

  As I sit in traffic, I realize I haven’t been to a meeting today. This is the first day I’ve skipped since I left rehab, but I don’t really want to go vomit some vague story at a room full of miserable addicts. I’ve seen twelve-step veterans and newbies alike jump all over some poor guy who dares to say he’s looking at a relationship sooner out of rehab than they think he should be, and I don’t want to be the reason the facilitator has to crack down on the cross talk. I just want to talk to my sister.

  But since I’m not stupid, I drop by the clinic on my way to her apartment for my Suboxone, and get the good news: my fine behavior and passed drug tests have granted me the privilege of a two-day maintenance prescription, meaning I only have to come in every three days from now on.

  I smile all the way to Gabby’s apartment, reliving the memory of Jenna’s lips on mine, of the feel of her tucked up against my side. When Gabby opens her door, I smell hot tomato sauce and cheese, and my stomach rumbles. “Pizza,” I say. “Please tell me you saved me some.”

  “There’s some left,” Gabby says. “But I have to warn you, it’s made of cauliflower.”

  I stare at her. Gabby is many things, but she’s not a health nut. “Cauliflower pizza?”

  “Yeah. They make the crust out of cauliflower, actually. It’s Will’s favorite.”

  I make a face, and she rolls her eyes. “He made some to take over to Josh and Ben’s guys’ night thing. I bet they’re making the same face.”

  I realize I have no idea what guys do at a guys’ night thing if they aren’t playing music or doing drugs. “So Will isn’t here?”

  Gabby shakes her head. “No, is that a problem?”


  Actually, it makes things easier. “Not at all.”

  Gabby’s still looking at me nervously as she dishes up some of the pizza Will left us. It’s thinner and flatter than regular pizza, but other than that it looks the same.

  She hands me a fork. “So? What’s the news?”

  “Well,” I say, “I signed with the band this morning.”

  Gabby’s eyes open wide. “With AJ. You signed with AJ.”

  “Yeah. As a full band member. Not just for the tour.”

  Gabby squeals and leaves the plates on the counter to give me an enormous hug. “That is crazy. I mean, not that they would sign you because obviously you’re amazing, but that it happened so fast! So you’re going on tour?” She pauses. “Is that going to be okay? What about your medication? Will you be able to get it when you’re traveling?” She looks down at the pizza and I can tell she’s having all the worries I had before my audition.

  “No one in the band does drugs,” I say. “They even drug test, to make sure, after how they lost their last cellist.”

  Gabby perks up, and hands me a plate of pizza. “Seriously? That’s great.”

  “And for the medication, I’ll figure it out. Trust me, they’re going to have Methadone clinics wherever we go. And I just got cleared for a two-day prescription.” Methadone gets sold on the street in two seconds after being prescribed, but the Suboxone I’m on instead has Naloxone in it, which is the drug they give people to stop overdoses. You can’t get high off the stuff, which makes me way more functional than a Methadone patient, and also means the clinic is keeping tabs on me because I agreed to that as part of my outpatient to increase my accountability. I’m pretty sure if there’s a reason, they’ll make an exception.

  Gabby brings her pizza over to the purple couch, seeming mollified. “Okay, so Alec and Jenna. Are they as cute in real life?” She looks ready for some gossip, and boy, do I have that.

  I take a deep breath. “So, I’m going to offer you a choice. And I want you to really think about it, okay?”

  Gabby pauses with her fork over her pizza. “Okay.”

  “There are two versions of this story. One you can tell anyone, and one that I can tell you, but you cannot repeat to another soul. Not to Will, not to Anna-Marie, not to anyone. I don’t have to tell you, but I want to, and if I do and it gets out, it’ll destroy me, personally and professionally, so I need you to be sure you can handle it.”

  Gabby stares at me, and I make a show of taking a big bite of pizza while she considers. Eating pizza with a fork seems pretentious as hell, but I immediately see why it’s necessary. The crust doesn’t hold together as well as normal. “Hey,” I say with my mouth full. “This isn’t bad.”

  “Felix,” Gabby says. “Are they working for the mob?”

  I laugh and swallow my pizza. “No. I promise, I’m not doing anything dangerous or illegal.”

  She narrows her eyes. “And no drugs.”

  I hold up my hands, one still holding the fork. “No drugs. I swear.”

  “And I can’t tell Will? You know I suck at that, right?”

  I smile. “I don’t have to tell you.”

  She tosses a throw pillow at me, and it lands in my pizza. Gabby doesn’t seem to notice. “Obviously I have to know now! You can’t just lay that on me and not tell me.”

  “Honestly, I don’t think Will is going to care that much about this secret. Anna-Marie on the other hand . . .”

  Gabby squeezes her eyes closed, like she’s bracing herself. “Okay. Tell me.”

  “And you won’t breathe a word of it.”

  “I won’t.”

  “Not to anyone.”

  “No one.”

  “Not to Will or Anna-Marie.”

  “Not to a damned goldfish—Felix, will you tell me already?”

  I cut another bite of pizza with my fork and Gabby stares at it like she’s going to snatch it out of my hand. I have to admit, I’m enjoying this a little too much.

  “Okay,” I say, “Alec and Jenna broke up a year ago.”

  Gabby stares at me. “Whaaaaat?”

  “They were dating, but they weren’t happy. So they broke up but they didn’t want to split up the band. So now they’re faking it.”

  Gabby puts her hand over her mouth. “No. No, they are so cute! That can’t be fake.”

  I nod. “It is. And there’s more.”

  Gabby’s pizza lies forgotten in her lap. “More.”

  “I may have spent the afternoon in a hotel room making out with Jenna Rollins.”

  Gabby lets out a little yelp. “No way.”

  I settle back on the couch, giving her a smug look. “I told you she was hitting on me.”

  She tosses her remaining throw pillow at me, but this one flies by my head. “You made out with her in a hotel room . . . and that’s it?”

  I nod. “Yeah. Because I suggested we weren’t ready to have sex yet. Because we can’t, like, be in a relationship yet.”

  Now she looks confused. “Weren’t you just sitting in that very spot telling me how much you need to get laid?”

  “Well, that’s what I thought was going to happen. But then we got there, and we were only allowed that one time, because Jenna and Alec agreed they shouldn’t be in relationships with other people, because it’s bound to get out. And I didn’t want just a one-night stand with her, you know? I wanted more than that.” The ache sweeps over me again, how very much I want more than that with her.

  Gabby is back to looking at me warily. “More than that.”

  “Yeah. So we talked about how there’s friendship, and sex, and then, like, this third thing, and if we want more than friendship, that’s what we’re allowed to have.”

  Gabby stares at me, deadpan. “Yes, Felix. There is a third thing.”

  I swallow a bite of pizza, and nearly choke. I know what she means, but I’m not even the slightest bit ready to admit I’m thinking it. “Right. But I can’t be with her because she has to pretend to be with Alec for another four years.”

  Gabby’s brows draw together. “Four years?”

  “Yeah. Something about by then the band will have peaked and they’ll be ready to launch their solo careers.”

  Gabby points her fork at me. The tines are covered in tomato sauce, and some flicks onto the couch. That’s not going to help her sell it.

  “And you’re not allowed to sleep with her,” Gabby says.

  I nod. “Or touch her at all, really.”

  “For four years.”

  “Or until she’s sick of the situation,” I say, closing my eyes briefly.

  Gabby bites her lip. “Are you sure this is a good idea? That sounds like a mess.”

  “What else am I going to do?”

  “I don’t know,” Gabby says. “Not get involved with her?”

  “It’s kind of too late. Besides, I’d have to leave the band. And it’s a really good job. They’re paying me on salary. To play cello.”

  Gabby nods. “Okay, yeah. That’s hard to pass up.”

  That’s not even close to the most important part. “What would you do if it was Will in this situation? Would you just walk away?”

  Gabby seems to honestly consider it. “I love Will. But I don’t think I could wait four years, watching him pretend to be in love with someone else. That would tear me up. I’d constantly be worried he was going to rekindle things with her.”

  I could see that. It seems like the sort of thing I should be worried about, but I’m not. “I’m not going to walk away. I need this job, and I really care about her.”

  “Okay,” Gabby says. “But say this works out. She has a kid, and you are like the opposite of a kid person.”

  She’s not wrong.

  I fold my pizza, pick it up and stuff it in my mouth. “I like her kid,” I say. “He’
s kind of hilarious.”

  Gabby grabs a cloth and cleans up her cushion and pillow of the pizza sauce. “I hate this couch, but I do want to sell it.”

  I’m still planning to buy it, and to pay Gabby back for the cello storage with interest, but I need to get paid first. And now I’m stressing about Ty, because yeah, I’m not a kid person, and Jenna doesn’t know how much she shouldn’t trust me to start. A pit is forming in my stomach that has nothing to do with the cauliflower pizza. “She doesn’t know about the drug stuff yet,” I say. “After she does, you’re right. She won’t want me around her kid.”

  Gabby shakes her head. “That’s not what I meant. Do you want a kid? Because I thought that wasn’t something you were into.”

  I shrug. “It’s not like I hate children. I’m twenty-two. It hasn’t really been on my mind.”

  “And in four years, you’ll be twenty-six. Will you be ready for kids then?”

  The truth is, I don’t know. Right now, I know I’m not even half as responsible as I’d need to be to take care of a kid. I don’t have an apartment; I just barely got a job. I’ve done pretty much nothing with my adult life besides irrevocably fuck it up.

  But I care about Jenna, a lot. People do crazy things for people they care about.

  Though I’m the first person to admit that they hurt them, too. “I don’t know,” I say.

  Gabby looks sympathetic. “I’d say you should spend more time with Ephraim, but Dana won’t let anyone watch him but Mom. I got to babysit him exactly one time, and she yelled at me for an hour because I put in the wrong Neil deGrasse Tyson DVD.”

  I roll my eyes. “Did she really?”

  “Apparently I ruined his ‘education plan’ by showing him the same video twice.”

  That sounds like Dana. I stare at the pizza on my plate, not really seeing it. “You really think I’d be a bad father?”

  “No!” Gabby says quickly. “That’s not what I meant at all. I just didn’t think you’d want to jump into parenthood like that.”

  She was probably right the first time, and I’m pretty sure Jenna’s going to agree with her. “I like Ty. I could see having a relationship with him, playing games and helping with homework and stuff. He’s cute and smart. And kind of a troublemaker, but in a good way.”