Where To From Here?

by Ursula Paul

  She smiled gently at him. “It’s okay Joe. I know. And, please, never feel guilty.”

  She hesitated for a few minutes.

  “Joe?”

  “Yes?”

  “Will the Church law on compulsory celibacy ever change?”

  “Oh, Nae. They are not likely to change in our life time.” He sighed. “So, please, don’t spend your life waiting and hoping.”

  She nodded.

  “Nai, I do love you,” he whispered.

  “And I do so love you,” she answered as he pulled her to him.

  Once again they made deep, passionate love.

  Morning came around far too quickly.

  As they prepared to leave the apartment they hesitated, already feeling the pain of separation.

  For several minutes they held each other in silence. Both knew life would never be the same. How could love hurt so deeply? Both knew they had broken a law of their church.

  But God’s law of love…?

  Time never stands still. Soon they were looking at each other, knowing their separation was about to begin.

  “Joe,” she spoke softly. “I won’t be seeing you or contacting you before I leave. I hope you understand – it would be too hard.”

  “Of course I understand,” he interrupted.

  “I will eventually contact you. For now I can never express adequately how grateful I am for your love and for what it means to me. There are no words. I love you so deeply. God bless you and look after you.”

  “Nae,” Joe whispered as his eyes filled with tears, “thank you for your love and for all it means to me. God bless you and keep you and may you find peace and joy in your life ahead.”

  They held each other and kissed longingly, knowing this may never happen again.

  As they closed the door to the apartment and parted in separate directions to their cars, each knew that life would never be the same.

  Chapter Thirteen

  How he survived the next few months Joe would never know. But he did know that if Naomi had contacted him in any way he would have been with her. He ached for her – just to be with her again. He knew life had to go on – he had a responsibility to those around him. But life seemed so empty now! How to go on?

  “Joe, you okay?” Tim asked suddenly one day prior to a Club meeting.

  Taken aback, Joe blurted out the first lie that came to mind. “Fine. Just a bit tired.”

  “Can I take over anything for you? We can’t have you breaking up on us!”

  If only! Joe thought as he answered, trying to laugh it off, “Coming good already. Thanks Tim.”

  He tried harder than ever from then on to thicken the mask that hid his feelings. Life did go on. To the best of his ability he hid from those around him the deep inner pain he had never imagined before, hoping Naomi’s experience was not similar.

  Weeks turned to months. Then, suddenly came the phone call.

  Part One

  Julian

  Chapter One

  Julian Martin looked back on his life as he drove to the meeting with his Bishop.

  Yes, he agreed, he had indeed been lucky in life. In all his twenty-six years he had never wanted for anything. Although born into a family endowed with many worldly possessions, he was never assessed as being ‘spoilt’. Yet his parents denied him nothing that they considered needed for his future life. In all his memory, ‘home’ consisted of happy years spent within a large comfortable dwelling overlooking the harbour at Rose Bay. His mother, deputy principal at a highly regarded private school, and his father, a radiologist, had ensured the best education for their two sons. Julian’s older brother Tom had recently graduated and joined his father’s practice. Both boys, after attending the local primary school had progressed to St. Joseph’s Hunters Hill for their secondary education. And both had graduated from there with an almost perfect score in their Leaving Certificates. On leaving school Julian had no set plan for the future. While undecided he proceeded with a Bachelor of Arts course at Sydney University. In his third and final year he made the decision to enter the seminary.

  Although Sean Martin was Anglican, he had no problem in acceding to his younger son’s decision. He often smiled to himself as he remembered a former incident. Grandmothers on both sides had voiced concern on Julian’s future as an ordained minister.

  “Can’t you stop him!” was the outburst from his paternal grandmother when she heard of her grandson’s plans. “You don’t know how far Rome will go to brainwash him once they get hold of him.”

  “Don’t worry Mum. We’ll keep an eye on him.” Sean endeavoured to keep a straight face.

  His maternal grandmother, although a church-going Catholic, made a similar complaint.

  Both were invited to Julian’s ordination but told all would understand if they preferred not to attend.

  “Of course I’m going!” Each was adamant. And both grandmothers made sure they were seated in the front row.

  Yes, thought Julian, it was a happy day, a special day. This is where I’m called to be – for now anyway! His thoughts wandered to his three friends. Yes, this is where they all wanted – felt called – to be. It had been special having all his friends as deacons at his ordination – his being the first of the group. Then they had all participated in Eddie’s a week later and Joe’s in Bathurst a couple of weeks after that. And next week they would all meet up again for the final celebration – Simon’s ordination in Armidale.

  Life, he thought, how it changes! All together in the seminary for those years. And now!

  Here we are scattered all over the State. I think our friendship will continue. I’m sure if any of us need help the other three will always be there.

  His thoughts turned to himself. Why did the Archbishop request this meeting? If they had found fault with me - surely it would have been prior to ordination. All the other ordainees know their placings. That is – all but me! So…. Well, I’ll soon know.

  On arriving at the Archbishop’s office he was welcomed by the secretary and offered, “Tea or coffee?”

  “No thanks.”

  The archbishop greeted him warmly.

  “You’ve enjoyed the couple of weeks with your family.” It was a statement rather than a question. “No doubt you are wondering where your first placement will be. And also the reason I wanted this talk with you.”

  “Yes. I had been wondering.”

  “Well, Julian, a couple of things. Our senior canon lawyer is retiring at the end of the year and another lawyer has hinted of his retirement in a couple of years’ time. We need at least one replacement as soon as possible – our present canon lawyers are complaining that they need more in their ranks. Your academic record would leave most in the shade. I presume you would complete the course in three – perhaps two years. Oh!.. Sorry I haven’t asked you! Would you spend the next two to three years in Rome to qualify as a canon lawyer for Australia – based in the Sydney archdiocese?”

  Julian was taken aback. “Archbishop, this is rather a surprise!”

  “Yes, Julian. Sorry to throw it to you like this. I would like you to think about it. No decision today. My hope is that you will accept the offer. But there is no compulsion. I’m sure any parish priest would be delighted to have you as a curate!”

  “Um… I don’t know about that!” Julian laughed. Then he added seriously, “Thanks for your confidence in me. This offer has come as a shock! I would be grateful for time to think and pray about it.”

  “Of course.”

  As Julian drove home he was bombarded with inner questions and feelings.

  Why was he so surprised? He was looking forward to pastoral work in a parish. Did he really want to return to study? Canon law! What a subject! Yet he had become interested in Law through his Arts studies. Rome! Perhaps small holiday breaks home. But away for two to three years!

  That night he talked over all his questions with his family. Neither father, mother nor brother told him what to do. Gradually through th
eir questions and comments and with their support, he was able to pick his way through the maze in his mind. Yes, he finally decided. I will go. As his mother reminded him, he could always return at any time.

  The next day he phoned each of his friends. In different words each backed up his decision.

  “You’re the right man for the job. Time will fly. Congratulations!”

  He allowed himself two days to become used to the idea before he phoned the archbishop.

  He was greeted by an enthusiastic voice at the other end of the phone. “Thank you, Julian. I was so hoping this would be your answer. Thank you. I will begin to make arrangements and call you when final plans are prepared. In the meantime, enjoy the break!”

  Chapter Two

  Three weeks later at Kingsford Smith International Airport, Julian awaited the final boarding call for Rome. His mother, father and Tom had taken time out to farewell him.

  Eddie, Simon and Joe, now settled into their new parish lives, were unable to join the farewell party. But each had phoned early that morning.

  “You know you can return at any time.”

  “I know, Mum. But I reckon I’ll see it through. Working and living near the Vatican may be – interesting – for want of a better word,” Julian replied with a smile.

  “And call us if you need anything.”

  “Will do. Thanks Dad.”

  “And don’t forget to let me know dates of holiday breaks,” reminded Tom. “Important, isn’t it when Meg and I have to set the date of our wedding to suit the celebrant,” he added with a grin.

  “How could I forget! So the kid brother calls the tune for a change, does he!” laughed Julian. Then becoming serious he added, “Tom, you and Meg set the date that suits you and I’ll be there!”

  The boarding call came shortly after. He was on his way!

  Julian was a seasoned traveller and enjoyed travelling. But, for reasons he did not understand, this flight to Rome was one he would prefer to forget. The flight itself went without a hitch.

  So, why this sudden inner feeling of void? Or was it sudden? His analytical brain told him nothing. How could he know the answer to this question when other questions were still in the subconscious? Grappling with deep feelings and unanswered questions as the Boeing flew closer to Rome, Julian would never be fully consciously aware of subsequent answers until many years later.

  He was met in Rome by a member of staff. No problem arose in communication – Julian was proficient in many languages, including Italian. He presumed he would be housed in Rome. Instead, he soon learned not only would he be schooled in the Vatican but he would also be staying there. Prior arrangements had been made for his studies. The semester had begun a week previously, but that posed no problem to Julian’s capabilities.

  Two weeks into the course and Julian had become friendly with others studying for similar results. Although the only Australian in the group, the majority of students came from English speaking countries. With his proficiency in other languages Julian automatically became the interpreter of the group. As the course progressed he had to admit to himself that he enjoyed study. Not that he agreed with some concepts of Christian morality as decreed in the course. But, basically, he found learning fulfilling. His interest in legal studies grew steadily.

  Life in the Vatican Julian could only describe as surreal. Unless they had been born to it, Julian could not understand how those living and working there would survive, in most cases almost a lifetime. Yet Julian found so many of different races and backgrounds working and praying together year in and year out. For him this was an interesting experience but never could he imagine it for longer than a very few years.

  The Vatican archives – well that was an extremely different situation! Prior hopes of studying documents and references pertaining to some of the traditionally based teachings were soon dashed. As students, they automatically received passes to certain sections of the archives. Julian’s search for knowledge in this new field of study soon had accessed all permitted areas. To be a successful canon lawyer, he told himself, he would need to cover the full gambit of reason and legality behind dogma and doctrine.

  He had always accepted the basic doctrines, but for many years now he had questioned some of the many other Church teachings. Not to be easily beaten, he questioned one of the managers at his second visit to the archives:

  Q. How does one proceed to the next floors to study their contents?

  A. Special passes for the next floors; the higher ones are closed.

  Q. How does one come by these special passes?

  A. Granted only by special referrals.

  Q. Where does one apply for special referrals?

  A. Don’t bother! Special passes are never given to students.

  Right then and there Julian was ready to end his studies and head home. Wisdom prevailed. With a view of his future slightly blurred, Julian continued with his studies. As the end of the year approached, thoughts of home for the long break negated any worry of examination results. The day before these were due to be posted he received a call to the Dean’s office.

  At first, panic! But not for long. Julian knew he had certainly passed, perhaps even passed with credits in some subjects.

  “Come in,” the Dean welcomed, opening the door to Julian’s knock.

  “Well, Julian, how have you enjoyed your first year?”

  Julian thought – be careful – as he answered, “Interesting.”

  The Dean smiled, “Your tutors speak well of you. But you have looked for answers to pretty tricky questions.”

  “I suppose I have,” Julian answered quietly. “But I only question when I need an answer or the statement is reasonably wrong!”

  “Be patient, Julian. You may find your answers one day… Now, I won’t keep you too long. So – down to the reason I called you. You have done exceptionally well in your first year – better than most ever achieve. For this reason we are making you an offer. We are giving you the opportunity to complete the whole course next year. Of course it won’t be easy for you, completing two years of study in one year. This will entail a tremendous amount of time given to study. Of course if you commence and find the going too difficult or too stressful, you may revert to second year study and take the ordinary three years to complete the Course. Well Julian, what do you think? Do you need time to think it over?”

  Seconds passed before Julian replied, “Thanks Dean. Thank you for the offer. No, I don’t need time to think it over. I accept the offer gladly. Thank you… Oh!” he added with a smile, “Do I have to wait until tomorrow for my results?”

  “High distinction in all subjects. Great result. Congratulations.”

  “Thanks,” Julian breathed.

  Chapter Three

  Excited family members greeted Julian as he arrived at Kingsford Smith airport to spend the Christmas vacation at home. Neither Eddie, Simon nor Joe were able to take time off to travel to Sydney, but all sent welcoming messages. He was also welcomed and congratulated by his Bishop, who added, “Enjoy the break. We won’t put you to work just yet!”

  “So you think you’re having a grand old holiday doing nothing!” Tom commented as they sat together in the family garden not long after arriving home from the airport.

  “I was going to wait until after dinner, but now that we’re alone, here’s my chance!”

  Julian looked up.

  “No need to look worried,” Tom laughed. “Just to put you in the picture and see if it’s all fine with you. Meg and I have a date set, the church booked, music organized, celebration after fine – everything booked for our wedding next month except the celebrant! What does the celebrant have to say?”

  Julian hugged his older brother. “The celebrant says bring it on! Congratulations, Tom! This day will be very special.” Then added, “And it will be my first wedding!”

  It was a special time for the Martin household – Julian home on holidays, Christmas celebrations, followed closely by Tom and Me
g’s wedding.

  The day dawned warm and sunny. Nothing has been left to chance – all preparations completed. Julian felt quite calm as his brother paced in the sacristy awaiting Meg’s arrival.

  Family and friends had gathered for the Church wedding. Later they would follow on to the celebrations in the grounds of the Martin home.

  The fanfare announcing Meg’s arrival heralded in a liturgy of joy and blessings for Tom and Meg’s future together. Later, family and friends celebrated the joy of the day at the reception.

  Chapter Four

  All too soon the holiday season had passed. Once again at Kingsford Smith airport, surrounded by family and friends, Julian awaited the boarding call for the aircraft that would take him, once more, to Rome. This time, however, there was a difference – this time he knew where he was going; this time he guessed, fairly correctly, what lay ahead.

  Aware of more questions without answers, he knew he would have to be patient.

  Answers would come, but not all and not yet. And he knew he would have to seek them.

  Once again he was met by some of the staff and welcomed in his Vatican quarters by past students and tutors. This year his work load was extremely heavy. Many times lectures overlapped in part as he sprinted from one to another. Yet, he did not feel overworked, nor did stress play any part in his busy study life. He never lost sight of this particular goal – to successfully complete the course by the end of the year.

  Without any breakdown in health or extension of time, he not only achieved his goal but achieved it with results similar to those of the previous year.

  It was with mixed feelings that he left the Vatican on his last day in Rome. It had been a strict but caring home to him for the past two years. It had helped him gain further insight into the official Church and her laws. But, also it had left him with more questions than answers.