Where To From Here?

by Ursula Paul

  So, what is my stumbling block!

  By the time he had reached his office, he had made a decision.

  No more looking back, he told himself. Then in prayer – I’m lost! Show me the way.

  Chapter Ten

  Weeks turned to months. Life went on as before. Always problems to be solved in Canon Law; always the ups and downs of parish life; always the touching of lives of other people and being touched by them; always in the subconscious the answer to the unrest, shivering somewhere beneath the surface.

  Life went on as before – that is until Bella Parks knocked at the door and asked for a few minutes of his time.

  “Sorry to bother you,” she began. “But I’m worried about my grand-daughter, Leesa.”

  Bella continued to explain to Julian the cause of her worry.

  “Leesa and I have always been mates. She spends most of her time with me. She’s an only child and both parents in corporate business and travelling a lot of the time. She has always been a happy, bubbly little girl but has changed dramatically in the last year or so. She’s become so quiet and introverted – it’s as though she’s a different person. She’s just turned thirteen – at first I thought it was just a growing up stage. But now …well I’m worried. I tried talking to her parents but they say there’s nothing to worry about.”

  “What do you want me to do?” asked Julian.

  “I don’t know really. I’ve been so worried I didn’t know what to do. You see, Leesa was a ‘mistake’ – her parents never wanted children. They accept her, but… she always came to me with her problems and all the exciting times in her life. But now, she’s so quiet. I really am worried.”

  “I’ll certainly talk to her, if that’s what you want.”

  “Oh, thank you, Father. I would be so grateful!”

  Julian smiled. “I’m too young to be your father. Julian’s my name.”

  As arranged, Bella arrived the next week with Leesa. Julian was unsure how to proceed, but Bella had made the decision for him.

  “I told Leesa,” she began, ‘that I had asked you to meet her and answer any questions she has in preparation for her reception of Confirmation. I also told her I would leave her on her own so she could ask you anything without feeling embarrassed in front of me. I’ll be waiting in the car.”

  Julian allowed silence to hang for some time after Bella had left.

  “Leesa,” Julian smiled. “I’ll let you ask the questions – anything you’d like to know?”

  “No, thank you, Father.”

  Julian unobtrusively examined the pale face. There seemed little light in her large brown eyes. Her hands clasped and unclasped.

  “Sorry – I should have asked you first. How about a lemonade?”

  “Thank you, Father,” very quietly.

  “Then let’s go out to the kitchen.”

  As he handed her the drink, a furry black cat jumped up to the table.

  “Get down!” Julian ordered. But the cat instead dropped on to Leesa’s lap.

  “Sorry Leesa. Just push her off.”

  “No, Father. I love cats,” as she continued to pat the cat. “What’s her name?”

  “Sparkles,” Julian answered. “She’s not my cat. She belongs to the neighbours. They asked me to look after her while they’re overseas for a month.”

  “She’s lovely,” whispered Leesa, as she continued to gently pat the cat. “Her name suits her,” she added with a smile. Julian noticed the touch of joy.

  “Do you have a pet?” asked Julian, immediately wishing he had not asked the question.

  “No!” she replied. Her smile had disappeared. But the gently stroking continued.

  “Looks as though she likes you, Leesa.” The words came automatically.

  She smiled wanly. Tears welled, but she restrained them.

  “How about…” (Thanks for the help I needed, he thought.)

  “How about you come every few days for the next couple of weeks to give Sparkles some special time. Her owners won’t be home for a couple of weeks. And I don’t think she likes me much. She certainly likes you!”

  “Thanks Father… if it’s okay.” The glimmer of joy appeared briefly.

  Bella readily agreed to the plan. Two days later Leesa returned. Sparkles played the part required in showing Leesa she was a favourite. The plan continued for the next two weeks.

  Julian perceived he was gradually gaining her confidence. But time ran out. The neighbours were due home and Sparkles to return to them. By then Julian was convinced of Leesa’s interior problem.

  “Come and visit any time,” he told Leesa as she and Bella were about to drive away.

  “The neighbours will be home tomorrow and Sparkles will return to them. But she’ll want to come over and visit you now and then. So, call in again soon.”

  Julian felt that Leesa was beginning to trust him. Convinced she had a problem, he had no idea of the enormity of it. That is, until a week later.

  A phone call from Bella and he was immediately on his way to the designated hospital.

  Bella greeted him and explained the situation. Her mother had found her that morning – barely alive, with an empty bottle of analgesics beside the bed.

  “Whatever has pushed her to this!” Bella sobbed.

  Julian took her arm and led her to the room where Leesa lay motionless.

  “I can’t believe it. They brought her in, thought she was okay and went off to work!”

  Julian guessed correctly she was referring to Leesa’s parents.

  Bella took one of the motionless hands in hers. “I’m here with Father Julian.”

  Leesa opened her eyes. Bella squeezed her hand firmly. Julian took the other and stroked it gently.

  “It’s all right,” Bella added. “I’ll be just outside for a few minutes. Father Julian is here now.”

  The unshed tears bubbled to the surface and raced down her cheeks.

  “Let it all out,” Julian encouraged.

  Taking turns to sit beside her throughout the day, Bella and Julian watched her gradually come back to life.

  It was during one of Julian’s vigils that she declared to him, “I’m not going back! I’m not going back!”

  “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” he assured her.

  She began to cry again. He took her hand.

  “You know your Nan loves you. And she would do anything for you.”

  She sighed.

  “Leesa,” he spoke softly. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “No!” she was emphatic. “Because if I do, you’ll hate me.”

  “Never!” he declared. “I could never hate you. You are a very special person. I’d always want to be your friend.”

  “But you don’t know!” she whispered. “If you knew you’d hate me.”

  “I can assure you, Leesa, that I could never hate you. I promise. Would you like to tell me.”

  In amongst sobs, she broke her silence and confided the horror of her persecution.

  Julian had counselled victims of bullying before but never before had he encountered the intensity of this one. In broken, whispered phrases, Leesa relayed the horror of the past year.

  Initially, as a happy, intelligent pupil, she had been signalled out as the proposed target of a group, the majority of members of which were not only disturbed, but also jealous.

  In the first few months when some of their tactics became hurtful, she sought help from her parents. The replies to her pleas for help and guidance had been:

  “Grow up! Stick up for yourself!”

  “We’ll talk about this later – haven’t time now.” (There never was time.)

  “You’ll be okay!”

  “Talk to the teacher!”

  “Stop your bloody moaning! You’re a disgrace!”

  Leesa soon realized her parents had dismissed her problem as insignificant and not related to them. She also realized they had no intention of finding time to help her.

 
; She soon accepted the dogma of the bullying group – tell the teachers and you will pay!

  At times she had considered sharing her problem with Bella. But, as her confidence in herself gradually waned, so too did her confidence in seeking help. By the time Bella had sought Julian’s help. Leesa had lost trust in everyone, including herself. Gradually the time came when she could no longer face life.

  As Leesa hesitantly told her story, in Julian pity, concern, horror, anger – so many emotions fought for presidency.

  “Leesa.” He spoke softly. “You have been abused – so badly abused. Bullying is so evil. You are a special, beautiful young lady. And you have been hurt so badly.”

  “Am I really okay?”

  “Of course – you are more than okay. You are special.”

  She began to cry again. As the tears eased, Julian continued, “Life will be different, Leesa. The horror of the past year is over.”

  With counselling, Leesa progressed well. With parents approval, she moved permanently to live with Bella. With a changed school and necessary guidance, Leesa’s academic results soared. Her happy personality gradually returned. Gradually she accepted her new classmates as real friends.

  Weeks later Julian received a phone call from Bella. “Could you drop in one afternoon please Father?”

  “How’s Leesa? Anything wrong?”

  “No, Father. Everything is fine.”

  Sounds fine, he told himself. Yet apprehension gripped him as he pushed open their front gate. A smiling Leesa greeted him. “Come in, Father,” laughed Bella from behind.

  “Look!” beamed Leesa, as she thrust the furry ball she was holding almost into Julian’s face. Bella explained – Leesa had asked to share her initial joy with Julian – Sparkles next door had had kittens and one was given to Leesa.

  As he drove away, Julian whispered a prayer of thanksgiving – with Bella’s help Leesa was well on the way to a happy fulfilled life.

  Chapter Eleven

  As the weeks went by, in his personal life questions and unrest continued. Slowly, but surely, his subconscious began to clear and the answer submerge.

  He knew then where the next step of his life would lead him.

  Then, suddenly, came the phone call.

  Part One

  Simon

  Chapter One

  Simon Jackson was born in Tamworth in 1941, the only child to Marj and Gary, whom Simon regarded as being strict ‘old time’ Catholics and his mother typical ‘pre-Vatican’ in her ideas.

  In line with this tradition, he was educated in both primary and secondary years in Catholic schools. His home education followed the same course. Gradually, he came to question inwardly some of his mother’s firmly held beliefs. At first, no problems arose, provided he did not express his views. In the last few years of secondary education, he began to question his sexuality. While his classmates were falling in and out of love with girls, he felt no attractions that way. Instead he was attracted to his own sex. As he matured and end of school years was in sight, he knew he was different from the boys around him.

  Where to turn?

  He had so often heard his mother talking about the many evils in the world, the main one seeming to be man’s attraction to man. At one time he had heard his father endeavouring to argue that perhaps this may be natural to some men. She had become almost hysterical – it was the most unnatural thing in the world, so evil, so very evil. His father had never voiced an opinion again.

  It was the last year of school, as Simon remembered it so well. His mother, driving him to school, had stated out of the blue, “Ray Fogarty has left home.” The Fogartys lived at the end of the street and Ray had been three years ahead of Simon at school.

  “I suppose his work has moved him on.” Simon was unaware of any aspect of Ray Fogarty’s life, but knew his mother was waiting for a comment.

  “Not work, Simon. It’s abominable! He’s left to live with another man!”

  “Perhaps they work close by.”

  “Simon!” She almost spat it out. “He’s living with this man – living, like husband and wife!”

  Now or never, thought Simon. “Mum, perhaps this is the way he is. Perhaps he’s made this way. Perhaps this is not wrong for him.”

  “Simon, please. There is no excuse. It’s wrong. Always wrong. Terribly wrong. Only freaks are inclined this way.”

  Simon felt an invisible knife pierce his heart. Right then and there, he knew he could never talk to his mother; she could never help him with his sexuality. And his father – no, he could never take the risk. He was on his own.

  All thoughts of what he would do about his sexuality needed to be shelved as he studied the final stages prior to sitting for his HSC. Studies proved fruitful. He gained a score higher than needed for university entrance to study accountancy. His father, qualified and in his own practise, was delighted. In a few years, the practice would no longer be registered as Gary Jackson and Associates, but, instead Gary and Simon Jackson and Associates.

  Plans of mice and men often disrupted, Simon laughed with his friends many years later.

  Simon completed his first year of University studies with credits. He was well on his way to the successful completion of the second year when thoughts of another lifestyle constantly came to mind – at first hazily, gradually increasing in strength and clarity. He had grown to accept his sexuality, but knowledge of it was his, and his alone. The new feelings disturbed him. Me – a priest! No! I pray now and then and attend church occasionally. But a priest – no!

  As the thoughts persisted, eventually he conceded. Okay, I’ll give it a go. Take a year out of Uni. Studies. A year in a seminary should banish this thought from my system. I don’t know how Mum and Dad will take it, though.

  He need not have worried. As he broke the news to his parents, sheer delight was transparent on his mother’s face, slight disappointment on his father’s.

  The first year of seminary began. Although he had remained in a study mode since leaving school, he struggled slightly with the change in study material and the lifestyle. By the end of the first year he decided to give a go to a second year. By the end of that year he knew he would continue to ordination.

  At the end of third year studies he progressed to the major seminary at Manly. What a place and what a view! – his first impressions. Up until that time he had made no close friendships. But in the first month at Manly he had become one of a friendship quartet, along with Eddie, Julian and Joe. How they became close friends, none cared. The fact remained – each knew he could trust the others completely. Within six months Simon had hesitantly unburdened his secret to the group and was immediately accepted without question.

  The two years prior to ordination were full of study, but also of expectation. Vatican II had come to an end with hopes and dreams of many for doors opening to new ways of communicating, understanding and practising Christianity. It was an exciting time within the seminary. The four young seminarians looked with hope to the days in the Church in which they would be ministering. These hopes balanced the difficulties of some of the studies of the final years. If help was ever needed in a difficult language or biblical assignment, Julian never let any of his friends down. In times of stress or questions of life, help was always available within their group. Always ‘there’ for each other in all the ups and downs of life, they hoped this would always continue no matter the geographical distances.

  Chapter Two

  Simon knew, that of the four friends, his would be the last ordination. But the four friends would be together each time for this momentous event in their lives. Julian was the first, joining a large group of ordainees in St. Mary’s Cathedral. A week later Eddie was ordained in Corpus Christi Cathedral, St. Ives and a further two weeks later Joe, in Sts. Michael & John Cathedral Bathurst.As deacons or newly ordained, they supported each other. Their hopes and dreams were reflected, not only in the official prayers of the Church, but, in particular, in their private communications w
ith the God Whom they believed had led them to this moment.

  At last Simon’s day arrived. His mother, beaming with joy, and father, disappointment vanished and hopeful for his son’s future, surrounded by an extended family, waited for the ceremony to begin.

  The majestic peal from the organ, joined by the choir’s triumphant hymn of praise announced the entrance of bishop and celebrants.

  As the ceremony proceeded, Simon’s prior apprehension was replaced by joy, even exhilaration. Julian, Eddie and Joe had all reported nervousness throughout. Yet, here am I, Simon thought, no nerves, no apprehension, just joy. The binding of hands, the prostration, the special symbols of the occasion, prior thoughts of which had worried him, now became immersed in the sheer joy he was experiencing. Even his mother’s assistance in robing, which he had so dreaded in advance, could not diminish his joy. At the conclusion he felt almost floating as he, with bishop and celebrants, processed down the main isle of the Cathedral to the choir’s stirring performance of Te Deum.

  Even before he had reached the last steps, family and friends had surrounded him, congratulating and seeking blessings. He had witnessed similar events at the conclusion of each of his friends’ ordination, but was not prepared to be the centre of the celebrations himself. Now, there was so much on which to meditate, so much to take to himself, so much to resolve. He had experienced so much joy during the ceremony. Now, he felt swamped, almost smothered. With his mother hovering, introducing uncles, aunts, cousins he barely remembered from the distant past, the loneliness of so many years began to creep over him.

  A sea of faces bobbed and rose before him.

  “Simon!” His vision cleared. His attention now focused on the sound of a familiar voice.