Sweet on You

by Katana Collins

  Tears filled his eyes and he ran his finger down Olivia’s arm. “No wonder she’s scared of me being a parent to her child. I basically told her to kill our daughter.”

  It was terrible. There was no excuse for that… except that was then. And this was now. I shifted Olivia in my arms, so that she was asleep in my lap, and leaned in to hold Lex. “You’re a different person now.”

  “I know that. But she doesn’t know that. And I want her to see how different I am. Maybe then she’ll believe that if I can do it… she can do it, too. If she manages to stay sober and attend NA meetings as well, she could split custody with me.”

  My skin flush hot. “But… didn’t the Murphys say she’s tried to go to rehab before and it’s never stuck?”

  “Yeah, but they also said they never really believed she could do it. That can make all the difference, having someone, even one person, believe in you. For me, that was my sister. The littlest thing can make you reach for a substance, you know? Once, back in England, I had managed to get clean for a month. I was living with my parents and I overheard them make an inane comment that my sobriety was temporary. Knowing that they didn’t believe I could make it a permanent choice? I went out that night and got my fix.”

  My chest felt hollow where only a few hours ago, my heart had felt so full. I knew sober Lex… but I didn’t know sober Sarah. Hell, I didn’t even know high Sarah. The thought of his ex as a constant in our lives made me uneasy. No, worse than uneasy. I thought I might barf.

  “You don’t even know what she’s like when she’s sober. There are plenty of people who are shitty parents without the excuse of substance abuse. Even if she could stay sober, which we don’t know that she can, how do you know she’s a fit guardian?”

  Lex paused, turning to face me and studying me before answering, “What is going on with you?”

  “I just… I don’t know if it’s a good idea, letting Sarah into our lives. Into Olivia’s life.”

  Lex shook his head, exhaling a sound that was something between a laugh and a snort. “That’s not your call. Whether or not you want Sarah in Olivia’s life… she’s going to be. You don’t get to choose your parents. And I’m not going to be the person who keeps my little girl from knowing her mother. Especially not if that mother can prove herself.”

  I thrust my hands into my hair, emotion rising like bile in my throat. “But she’s an addict, Lex. How can you trust her with Olivia?”

  The moment I saw his face, I regretted my words. “I’m an addict, Ronnie,” he whispered.

  I shook my head, tears falling down my cheeks with each blink. “It’s different with you. You’re…”

  “An addict,” he repeated. “The fact that I’ve been sober for two years doesn’t change the truth of the statement. I am just like Sarah, except that I pulled myself out of the gutter and got clean. I’m just like Sarah, except I’ve had the support of friends. Family. Or at least, I thought I had your support—”

  “Bullshit. She’s had the support of her parents. She used that support to drop her kid off with them, like they were a daycare, and go shoot heroin into her veins. Don’t give me that. You are not like Sarah.”

  “I’m not going to let my daughter be around her without proof of sobriety, Ronnie. I’m not stupid. And I’m not crazy. I’m definitely not saying it can happen overnight. But for my sake… my sanity… I have to believe in Sarah. Because if I don’t, it also means I don’t believe in myself.” He swallowed, pausing. “And it also means if you don’t believe that a sober Sarah can be a good parent, then you don’t believe a sober me can be a good parent.”

  He lifted the sleeping Olivia off my lap and tucked her back into the stroller.

  “Maybe we should spend the night apart tonight,” I said quietly. “It seems like we could both use a little space.”

  “Yeah,” he grunted. “Sure. Whatever you think.”

  I couldn’t even see through the blur of tears in my eyes. I rubbed my lips together and they were salty from the fallen tears.

  Lex stood and bent to kiss the top of my head gently. “We’re going to go to the park for a little while, if you want to go grab Penny from my apartment.”

  He left Elsa’s diner and all I could think about was that history was repeating itself all over again. Just like with Brandon, a past lover was injected into our lives and ruining everything. And while it seemed logical to take some time and space apart… it was the last thing I wanted.

  32

  Lex

  That night, I was back in my apartment. I’d just gotten Olivia to sleep and instead of watching whatever stupid show was playing quietly on my TV, I was staring at the baby monitor screen, watching the black and white video of my little girl fast asleep. After we left the diner, I brought her into urgent care to have her burn looked at. I couldn’t bring myself to call Mrs. Tripp for that… not after the fight Ronnie and I had. Luckily, just as I thought, it was a minor burn and it would heal on its own with a little topical medicine.

  I brushed my thumb over the screen of the monitor before setting it on the coffee table and scrubbing my hands over my face. I grabbed the sheet about the sale of my bakery and stared at it. When I first moved to Maple Grove, I barely had any money in savings. And I didn’t know if I would be sticking around Maple Grove permanently. Everything had depended upon where Sarah was located. Now, I knew. I was likely going to be here for a while. A long while. The school system was good. We were close enough to Sarah’s family, but not too close. God knew I didn’t want to be near my family. Despite Mr. Murphy’s skepticism, they were great to me. And in some ways, I respected him more because of his skepticism. I liked that he was fair but protective. Because I knew if he was this way with me, he’d be that way with Sarah. And frankly, when it came to addicts, that’s what we needed.

  I gulped, staring at the listing for my building. It wasn’t public yet. I grabbed my phone and called Nate. He answered after three rings.

  “Hey Lex.”

  “Hey,” I said.

  “Uh-oh. What’s wrong?”

  “How do you know something’s wrong? I literally said one word to you.”

  “It’s 8:00 p.m.—and that was a very somber hey.”

  “Nothing’s wrong,” I lied. Except the fact that Ronnie and I weren’t talking and were spending our first night apart in weeks. “I just need to let you know… I don’t think I can put an offer in on the building.” My heart felt heavy as I said it. “The money I had for the down payment is… well, I need it for something else that’s urgent.”

  The other end of the line was silent for a moment. “I’m sorry to hear that,” Nate said. “Do your circumstances have any chance of changing in the next few weeks? I can hold off a little longer.”

  I cleared my throat. “I will probably get the money back in a few weeks, but there’s no guarantee. And I can’t ask you to wait even longer than you already have. I really appreciate everything you’ve offered to do for me, though.” For a couple weeks there, it really looked like it might happen. Nate’s friend was able to get me a loan that was a little higher in the interest rate, but with monthly payments that were still affordable.

  Nate sighed. “Okay. I’ll… I’ll list it tomorrow. Can I ask you… Did something happen? With Ronnie?”

  Damn, this guy was astute.

  “No,” I lied again. “We’re just taking things slowly, you know? She needs to really be ready for this and I have to be careful with Olivia. I would hate to see Olivia broken-hearted if it doesn’t work out with Ronnie.”

  “You would hate to see Olivia broken-hearted… or yourself?”

  I was silent, my heart squeezing at the thought. “Both,” I whispered. There was silence on the other line. “Say something, Nate.”

  “I understand. But I think you’re being overly cautious. Yes, kids need stability, but Ronnie Tripp is the most stable person I know. Hell, she might be the most stable person in Maple Grove. I helped her buy her first house a few years
ago and she was only a couple of years out of college. She saved every penny she had to afford that place.”

  I smiled, looking down at my feet. “That sounds like her,” I said with a chuckle. Yet, after the lunch we’d had? That was a whole side of Ronnie I’d never seen before. Judgmental. Harsh. Critical. And even though she was talking about Sarah… she might as well have been talking about me.

  The doorbell rang, bringing me back to the present moment. “I have to go, Nate. Someone’s at my door.”

  “Okay,” Nate said. “If you change your mind tomorrow… call me. No one is going to jump on it within the first day. Okay?”

  “Okay,” I said. But… I knew it wasn’t going to happen. Getting Sarah out of jail was the top priority. And even if she did show up to her trial, who knows how long it would take to get my bail money reimbursed. “Thanks Nate.”

  I hung up and ran downstairs, hoping to God it was Ronnie. It wasn’t. Callie stood at my front door with a couple of bags of takeout in hand.

  “Callie?”

  “My sister’s not answering her phone and we had dinner plans tonight. I’m assuming she blew me off for you?”

  Her blond eyebrow lifted accusatorially. I shook my head. “Nope. Did you try her house?”

  “Seriously? She’s not here?”

  “Nope,” I said again, doing my best to keep my face impassive.

  Callie’s eyes narrowed. “Then what the hell happened? Because she’s been here almost every night for the past few weeks. Don’t think we all haven’t noticed.”

  “She just… wanted to spend a night at her house. Thought we could use a little space.”

  “Uh-oh.”

  “Not uh-oh,” I said feeling suddenly defensive. Even though I knew the truth. It was totally uh-oh. Ronnie was a runner. She ran from confrontation. From fear. It was how she coped. And now she was running from me.

  Callie rolled her eyes. “Look, I know my sister better than anyone. She doesn’t talk to my mom or brothers in the same way she talks to me. So if you tell me what happened, I might be able to help.” She waved some bags of Chinese takeout in my face. “I’ve got enough for three people here since I assumed Ronnie was here. Come on. You know you want some General Tsao’s.”

  “Fine.” I held open the door and followed Callie up my stairs.

  I set up some plates and napkins on the coffee table as I started explaining what happened at the diner earlier… the photographer, the blackmail, the fact that I wanted Sarah to get clean and be Olivia’s mother. At that point in the story, Callie winced. “What?” I asked. “Don’t tell me you don’t believe addicts can be reformed either. I can’t hear one more person today—”

  “No, no, no,” Callie waved her hand in front of me. She took a bite of an eggroll, tossed it down on her plate, and wiped her hands off on her jeans. “Has Ronnie ever told you about her ex?”

  “The one that gave her all that Adderall in high school?” I nodded. “Yeah.”

  “Oh, God. Brian. What a loser,” Callie said with an eye-roll. “But no, not him. Her only other serious boyfriend… Brandon.”

  I shook my head. “She mentioned another boyfriend, but didn’t give any details.”

  “Oh, boy.” Callie leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees. “Buckle up, Lex. I don’t want to go into all the details because Ronnie should be the one to do that. But she dated this guy after college for a couple of years. He was older than her… like, by a lot. She was 21 when they met, and he was in his late-thirties.”

  I almost rolled my eyes at Callie’s statement. As someone who was pushing thirty myself, that didn’t seem old to me. Yes, there was an age difference, but it wasn’t like she was dating a senior citizen. “Okay,” I said. “So what happened?”

  “He had an ex-wife he was paying alimony to. He proposed to Ronnie and swore up and down he and his ex-wife were just friends and she meant nothing to him. They only had to see each other for logistical reasons… yeah well, it was the logistics of putting his penis into her vagina.”

  I nearly snorted my Diet Coke. “What?”

  “Yeah, they were still hooking up. Apparently, for a whole year while he was dating Ronnie, he had been trying to get back together with his wife. He dumped Ronnie the day before their wedding. So… yeah. She might not be all that keen on another ex being a factor in her relationship.”

  I gulped. I understood that, but this was different. “Sarah is the mother of my child. I can’t keep them apart.”

  Callie nodded. “I get that. And I know Ronnie gets it, too, in her brain… but not in her heart.”

  “Why didn’t she tell me this herself?” Frost hopped up on the couch beside me, chirping and sniffing my General Tsao’s chicken. I scratched between her ears and dragged my fingers down her back. She arched into my touch.

  “This whole being an adult shit is hard. Hell, I’m not there yet.” Callie shrugged and leaned over to pet Frost as well. “And I wasn’t there during your conversation… if she had told you, would you have listened?”

  I wanted to say that of course I would have… but tensions were high. I couldn’t guarantee I would have. “When Ronnie says she needs a little space… some time apart… does she really mean that? Do I need to truly give her that space or will staying away only reconfirm her negative feelings?”

  Callie packed up the remaining Chinese food and put it back into the paper bag. “Ronnie means what she says 99% of the time. If she says she needs space, that’s not some girl code for: Come over and win me back. Give her tonight. Check on her tomorrow. And I’ll go over there now, with her dinner, and make sure she’s okay.”

  I hopped up and grabbed Frost’s carrier, putting her inside. “Bring Frost over. She’ll help with Penny’s anxiety while Ronnie’s at work tomorrow.”

  Callie smiled and launched herself at me, giving me a hug. “You’re a good guy, Lex.”

  I gulped. Right now, I didn’t feel like a good guy. I snapped at Ronnie when I should have talked to her more. Figured out why she was so upset. The last few weeks have been all about me and Olivia, and I didn’t even stop to take the time to learn more about her own history and trauma.

  I’d been so short sighted… It didn’t make what she’d said okay, but knowing her past? It made it much more understandable.

  Ronnie

  That night, even Penny seemed anxious not having his best friend there beside him. Frost had been his buddy, his anxiety relief.

  “Penny, come here.” I patted the couch beside me, and he reluctantly crawled up beside me, curling into a ball. With a final heavy sigh, he collapsed, laying down. “You miss them already? It’s only been a few hours.” I stroked his fur as his head fell onto my stomach, his big brown eyes regarding me warmly.

  “Don’t look at me that way,” I scolded him. I sighed and changed channels to what was apparently a reality show about getting back together with exes. “Great. Fucking great.”

  My doorbell rang and I glanced at the time. It was only eight-thirty, but after these last few weeks of being on Lex’s early schedule, it felt like it was midnight. I turned off the TV and headed to the door to find Callie standing there with two bags of takeout in hand and a large backpack strapped to her.

  “What the hell are you doing here?”

  “Your phone is off,” she said. “And we had a date.”

  My eyes fell closed. “I forgot. I’m so sorry.” I grabbed my phone from my pocket and turned it on, seeing several missed calls and texts.

  Meow. I froze. Frost? “Is that…?”

  Meow. Penny came charging to the door, hopping onto his hind legs, trying to get to Frost. “I stopped by Lex’s first,” Callie said, “thinking you had blown me off for him. But as it turns out, you were here sulking.”

  Guilt gnawed inside me as I squeezed my eyes shut. “I’m sorry, Cal. I’ll make it up to you.”

  She stepped inside, kicking the door closed behind her. After setting the food down on the counter, she slipped the
bag off her shoulders and unzipped it for Frost to come out. The white cat immediately nuzzled against Penny’s chin, purring, and Penny dropped to his back, submitting to her and showing her his belly.

  “Wow,” Callie said. “Lex wasn’t kidding. They really are best friends.”

  I sniffled, trying to disguise it with a cough. They were best friends. And who knew if Lex and I could make it work. Who knew if we could stay together. If we couldn’t, not only would I lose my best friend, but Penny would lose his, too.

  “Lex thought Frost could stay here tomorrow so that Penny doesn’t destroy your house while you’re at the gym.”

  Shit. Here come the tears. I dipped my face to my shoulder, trying to wipe the stray tear on my sleeve. But Callie saw right through me—she grabbed my hand, tugged me into the kitchen, and started rifling through my cabinets. “Don’t you have any wine?”

  I shook my head, sniffling again. “I usually only drink wine if I’m out for dinner. It’s got so much sugar.”

  Callie grumbled something I couldn’t make out. “What do you normally drink then?”

  “Vodka sodas,” I said, grabbing the Titos from the freezer and the bottle of carbonated water from my Soda Stream.

  Callie poured us each a glass and set out the Chinese food on my kitchen table. “Eat,” she said, nudging the cashew chicken sans rice toward me. “A few bites first and then I’ll give you this to drink.” She shook the glass, the ice clinking against the edges.

  I rolled my eyes, stabbing a few pieces of chicken with my fork. “Yes, Mom.”

  Callie scrunched her nose. “Mom? Does Mom force feed you chicken and Titos? If so, we had very different childhoods.”

  I laughed, but it felt rusty. Like a creaky, old hinge in need of oil.

  “So…” Callie said after we’d each had a few silent bites. “What’s going on with Lex?”

  “Nothing,” I answered quickly. Too quickly.

  “It didn’t seem like nothing when I was at his house,” she said.